His mother has lived with him for 20 plus years and he is now doing in home caretaking. She is in good health for her age but suffering from some low level dementia. We have been together for 5 years. I have my own home and was a caretaker for my mother who passed away from cancer. I know the issues around caretaking. He lives about 1 mile from my home yet we never get to spend anytime together due to the caretaking he does for his mother. Her schedule is so erratic. She sleeps until four in the afternoon, insists that he make dinner for her at 9:00pm, says she cannot heat up her own food and insists he serves her. I am a retired nurse RN and suggested he prepare meals ahead of time once a week or make a healthy sandwhich, soup and bowl of fruit for an occasional dinner so we can have time together. She will not do it and insists he prepare all her meals.I thought I could handle this but it is working on my nerves. I am allowing her schedule to run my life. Please I do not want to seem selfish. I lost my 27 year old daughter 4 years ago from a drowning accident and have my own grief issues with this. I run a small ranch by myself and have had 2 heart attacks and recently a pacemaker implanted. I do not help with the care taking as she only wants her son to participate. I have pleaded to get away together for awhile but she refuses to have anyone stay with her other than her son. I need some professional suggestions. My life is being stunted. We don't go anywhere, see anyone..HELP!
A person who sacrifices to take care of a parent has many fine qualities. Compassion, caring, and loyalty among others. But that doesn't mean they are perfect and not subject to other character flaws or personality quirks.
My other always told us seven kids when we told her what we wanted, "You don't always get what you want in this world." Did you hear that growing up? But your friend's Mama wants a full home-cooked meal every night. She gets it, every night. She doesn't want anyone but Sonny to take care of her. Only Sonny takes care of her. He can't tell her, "You can't always have what you want, Mama." Hmmm...
But he clearly can tell you that you can't have the things you reasonably want from a relationship. Why is that? I don't hear you demanding that he give up being a caregiver. You are asking him to pay a reasonable amount of attention to his relationship with you.
So I ask again: what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it enough for what you are putting up with?
Here is what I'm afraid of. By hanging on to this quasi relationship you are not getting on with your life, meeting new people, developing other relationships. You deserve a chance at new beginnings and happiness. Think long and hard about whether this relationship contributes to that or hold you back.
As an older woman myself, I understand that you might decide that you'd rather have him than no one. In that case, you need to accept on a deep level that this is all he will ever give you. I suspect that you can do better, but I'm not in your shoes.