Repairs! Expectations? How to say no to taking on house repairs?

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Repairs! Expectations? How to say no to taking on house repairs?

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As my husband's polyneuropathy becomes more debilitating, like all caregivers, I'm shouldering more household responsibilities. So far, most are manageable. But, when it involves actual repair and maintenance, my husband expects me to try to tackle those as well. (I'm 12 years younger-72 to his 84 yrs). This summer, he had me digging up sprinkle lines to diagnose where a leak was...then sawing lines and replacing valves! The latest is diagnosing and repairing a water line into the toilet. If I say no, we need to hire someone (not wealthy, but we could hire), he throws a tantrum. Ultimately (so far) I give in. With his guiding me, I do it. I know these situations will only escalate as daily, he loses a little bit more of his motor skills. On several occasions, neighbors have seen me struggling to do something and have come to my rescue...but we can't (shouldn't?) impose. (Recent brain MRI shows he also has mild small vessel ischemic disease.)
Any tips for how to toughen up and stand firm? (The tantrums drive me nuts!) So far, I'm capable of doing these things with his guidance. I mostly think it is unrealistic to expect me to do them as well as assisting with ADLs, doing all the driving, meals, cleaning, lifting..moving...taking apart his scooter and lifting in and out of vehicle.....Where will it end?
Any advice from someone who's been through this already?

Family Caregiver Living Independently New to Caregiving

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Judy - my mouth dropped to the floor when I read "...my husband refused to accept a couple of jobs because employers weren`t willing to start him at his former salary. It seemed so unfair that I worked two jobs and he was turning down jobs...Our pastor advised me that I should honor my husband's place as 'head of the house'..." Talk about misogyny!

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Judy, Judy, Judy...
It can't be pleasant for you to be instructed step-by-step on how to do a job that is beyond your capabilities, by a husband who has tantrums.

I don't think a husband with tantrums is covered in the bible.
Maybe go back and ask the pastor to send a handi-worker (volunteer) to your home.

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I guess I'm a bit harder on this subject. If my husband can't fix it I'm going to call a repairman. I'm not a handy women n I don't want to be one. He can have a fit but the repair person is coming in. Thats what I do though we don't have fits the checkbook just comes out. Stand strong do not let him make you do anything like that. Tell him there is no choice if he can't fix it then another Man will. Not this women. Good luck but I believe once you stand your ground he'll back down n if not you write the check.

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I think you should tell him that he can't expect you to handle all the repairs all by yourself and that you will need to be able to hire someone to come in and do repairs and stress the point that he just can't do them anymore.

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Lots of great advice, Judy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll bet you do everything else around the house, too, like cooking, cleaning, maintenance, financials, and so on. You must be exhausted.

You matter too. Your health matters. It’s past time for your husband to realize it and SUPPORT YOU. Say or do what it takes for him to realize it, even if it’s reminding him of any pertinent wedding vows. If he tantrums, walk away and call a professional.

You matter, Judy.

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Get yourself a good, expensive manicure. Next time he suggests you lever up floorboards and grab a wrench, hold up your hands in the style of a Mavala advert and say "don't be ridiculous." Make those nails good for nothing but dialling your friendly neighbourhood tradespersons.

[This assumes, of course, that you don't actually enjoy the occasional DIY, gardening or mechanics project? Personally I quite do, but I know where to draw the line - and making a potential hash of repairing a toilet is *definitely* over the line.)

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Just adding my vote to all the ones who are warning you that you will hurt yourself. Let him know in a calm, non-repair moment that his behavior is unacceptable when you express your feelings about doing repairs that are beyond your skill-set and strength. Let him know that you really cannot accept that anymore. Then if he acts out, leave the room, or go in the house depending on if you're outside. My husband is the fix-it guy around here. Just the thought of trying to do half of what he does is really scary to me. I am 60 and he is 63 -- we are on this forum because of his almost-88 mom and his 92 dad. But nuts and bolts get frozen. Lines under the sink get rusted. I have tried to do things before, and I often will end up with a "nope" because I do not have the strength. I told him a couple of years ago that I am not, in fact, a man. I was always his "helper" when we had to move furniture, push the car in the driveway, etc. I helped him carry a generator and ended up needing to see a chiropractor because of muscle strain in my neck and shoulders. Only you can take care of you in this situation.

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Why would you do that? You could hurt yourself permanently. Say no and if he starts something, leave. No way would I be doing all that you do. I would have left already or put him in a nursing home.

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If you hurt yourself to appease your husband, who is going to take care of you and him? You need to draw a red line. Any repair cost will not compare to a hospital injury cost. You need to confront this issue head on before both of you end up in the hospital.

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Judycares: Imho, your user name speaks volumes, truly. It is IMPERATIVE that you care for yourself and 'just say no' when some of these household SUPER projects are way beyond your capability. Do not even proceed with a project that is very much beyond your skill set. You're already doing it all. "When will it end?" The answer must be 'now,' else you injure yourself and are good to no one, especially being a caregiver to your DH. Hire out services.

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Consider what is reasonable for your abilities, energy, and sanity. Let your husband know as kindly as you can, "I really appreciate your confidence in my abilities to 'do it all'. However, I really only have the energy and sanity to deal with... If we need to do other tasks, we will need to hire somebody."

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HAve your doctor tell you in writing that you are not to be doing this kind of work. Keep a copy handy and tell your husband it's "doctor's orders " that you must not do the work. If you can email your doctor ahead of time about this and bring your husband to the appointment he could hear it from the doctor directly.

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He's probably been able to save thousands over the years because he was a good handy man. To pay now seems wasteful. I completely understand that logic!!!

Is there anyone in the family who is equally handy? Or a young one that seems to do well 'fixing' things around the house? (I was THAT child all my life - might have to ask how to do it, but could fix nearly anything....I always said can fix anything except a broken heart!!) See if you can get someone 'on call' to do little projects. Don't tell hubby. Just say I can't get down there behind the toilet today or right now. Go somewhere and make the call and ask them to pretend they were just dropping by. Will save an argument. If you want to, you can pay them on the side or include with the price of the parts.

If no family handy man/woman, then ask neighbors for names of someone who could be on call. One of them might have someone in their family who would be interested in a few bucks on the side to help you

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i am sure it is hard and you have done far more than me in repairing/fixing things. however if you really don't want to do it......just tell him that you hurt your back or something else hurts (even if it doesn't) and tell him that you still don't feel comfortable doing it. And tell him no fits about hiring someone that is more knowledgeable in fixing the item. wishing you luck.

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In a case like this and at your age, YOU MUST CONTROL THE SITUATION AND STAND UP TO HIM. If you want to fix things and are capable, then o.k. but if you can't or don't want to, then tell him off - HIRE THE PERSON and warn the person coming how he is and that they are to deal with you only and ignore him. This is horrible. He wants to control you but it is not right and realistic. Just let him rant and carry on but YOU should have power of attorney now so YOU can make decisions and handle the finances. And he he gets too difficult, then you must place him before he destroys you. Do not let that happen.

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I forgot - before I was disabled and could not walk, I lived in my home - my husband had died of cancer. I absolutely loved taking care of everything in/out of the house - all yard work, pool, cutting grass, raking leaves, you name it. And I did it until the day I could not walk (in my latter 70's). I can't walk and despise myself for what became of me and would give anything to be back doing those things (I will be 88). If I did not know how, I'd find someone to hire to teach me but I loved the "hands on work" - but it was MY choice to do or not to do and I used common sense. I doubt there are hardly any women like me around. I still work two jobs - one for 51 years - animal welfare work from local to international level with my own organization which I founded and 15 years now as a Power of Attorney.

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I use to work at the phone company in the “call before you dig,” office.
You need to do this so you don’t hit anything electrical underground.
Everyone thinks it’s fine until they do it.
PS: You’re not his slave, your his wife.

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Kristine, that's interesting. Are all electrical lines underground in your area? In mine and older communities, they're aerial. Only the gas (and water) lines are subsurface.

Newer communities have subsurface electrical lines though.

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You have to break not only a pattern, but your belief 'system' - that you HAVE TO do what your husband tells you to do. YOU DO NOT.

* You have to put your health first.
* You need to hire whoever you need to hire to do what you cannot - and likely - should not be doing (hard labor).
* You need support to change deeply rooted psychological beliefs. Enlist family, friends, professional therapist.
* It is a matter of learning to value yourself in ways you haven't been doing. It starts with self-care - wanting self-care - enough to say "enough already". I'm not doing it anymore. Period. Walk out of the room.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Gena, I think you may have gotten to the heart of things. Years ago I consulted our pastor when we were experiencing prolonged periods of unemployment. Husband was laid off his job...mine was reduced to part time. I wound up working two jobs. When it dragged on, my husband refused to accept a couple of jobs because employers weren`t willing to start him at his former salary. It seemed so unfair that I worked two jobs and he was turning down jobs. (He was getting unemployment). Our pastor advised me that I should honor my husband's place as 'head of the house' . Meaning, I should trust his judgement and let him make that decision. Even knowing my husband's ability to reason is compromised, refusing (to extend myself) is so contrary to how the last 37 years of marriage has been for us.

Thanks for pointing this out. Maybe it will get easier the more I put it into practice.

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Juse don't talk about it.
If some repair comes up that you don't want to do, don't ask permission, hire someone to do it.

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My husband and I always worked together on the home repairs, however we did hire people. I do a lot but not what you are doing. I think it's way too much and while my husband doesn't throw tantrums, I say no when I have to. I just say I can't do it, I say I'm tired and we can call someone and pay, or we don't have to do it. If he's physical with you and it's dangerous then you may have to get some help in there. If he's just yelling, then take it, leave the room and he'll probably get over it after a while. Tantrums die down, when the request goes unanswered repeatedly.

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You get exercise and it keeps you busy, plus you're exercising your mind by learning to do things.

Didn't you feel a sense of accomplishment, digging the sprinkler lines, sawing the lines and replacing the valves for example?

Sadly, there are many contractors, service people who will take advantage of homeowners, especially women, if you're not careful. By the time you realize you've been had, they're gone. If you do go that route, be on guard to the service/repair person that is extra nice and veers away from why they are there, such as talking about personal matters, current events, etc, anything to get your mind off why they're there, in other words "being friends".

True story, my mom had an issue with a faucet handle we couldn't fix on our own. Called the plumber, he came out, and conveniently broke the handle. He just so happened to have a whole "new" sink in his van. Because the other one was damaged and could not be repaired, we had no choice but to go with this option; of course this meant a nice commission for him. Interesting thing, a worker from the same company had put in the sink many years ago. This "new" sink is smaller and cheaply made, (just like the bulk of current products today). So be careful.

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Are you serious?
A person needs to listen to their body and know what they can and cannot do at age 72 - or any age. Your 'advice' is ridiculous. This woman needs help - real 'handyman or contractor' help. Not telling her about exercise. This is NOT exercise.

... a commission ? may be less expensive than ending up with a broken shoulder / rotator cuff or nerve damage, or life-long health issues and pain. There is no knowing what this woman is subjecting herself to physically, let alone emotionally and psychologically.
Look a lot deeper into what is going on here.
Gena / Touch Matters

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More than your not wanting to take on even more tasks than you already have, there is risk of accident or injury if you get involved in a project that is really too much for you or that does not go well. Safety is a stronger argument than resentment at being asked to do more.
What will happen if you do not give in to your husband's tantrums and protests?

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You are doing SUPER! However, we all need to learn our limits. What you feel you can do please continue to do. You are not just learning new skills for yourself, but you are learning what you should know to deal with a repair job you will need to eventually hire a contractor for. This knowledge will keep you from being taken advantage of. As for your husbands "tantrums" - it is time to discuss this first with him primary care Doc and then a specialist as necessary. As his problems or actions become more severe or hard to take, turn to the doctors. You don't need to feel alone in this.

You are not alone, even the doctors will agree, you need to remember and care about yourself too. It sounds as if Husband is no longer able to. If your neighbors offer to help that is wonderful, but for my experience this doesn't happen often. If you have grown children are they ready, willing, and able to help out with these "fixes". Sometimes we are just forgetful when it comes to asking our Children for "Help". They may not see the simple fact that you and Hubby need them and their assistance.

God Bless and Good Luck!

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You stated you have osteoporosis. And as you know some positions can be dangerous with that condition. So be very careful and use that as an excuse! Getting up on a ladder to clean a friggin' gutter?! Really? Is that worth a fall and broken hip or back? Hardly. Lifting his wheelchair?! You can use that condition as an excuse and say your doctor has forbidden you to do x, y ,z.
I surmise he has always been a control freak and therefore he wants to stay that way. You have probably unknowingly acquiesced to his way or the highway.
It will be hard but time to teach him how to treat you. Use your words…"No, I can no longer do that due to my health". End of sentence and walk off. Yes he will want to argue but go "gray rock" on him (look that up). Vascular ischemia will eventually destroy his ability for executive functions and reasoning will be difficult. Start asserting yourself now.

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My husband does the same
thing. He will grouse and pout about doing maintenance, yet refuse to allow me to pay to have it done. Ex: we both have auto assistance, but if I have a flat tire he demands that I call him first and then he goes ahead and does the work. This applies to ALL home/car related issues. My single female friends say “Your SO LUCKY to have a husband that is so handy and you should BE GRATEFUL. Followed by a scold of “YOU better learn how to do those things for yourself! (Like change a tire).

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lol

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Wow, after reading everyone's suggestions and reading about all the extras you do, you do have a lot on your plate!! I'd go with the : my back hurts today, I will help you tomorrow!! Loved the go to a hotel and let him experience not having you around. Which could happen if you get hurt!! Walk away when he starts the tantrums! Good luck!!

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I lived with this for 30 years. I couldn't afford to 'go to a hotel'.

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You are not alone. My friend and I are both 73. And both of us take directions from hubbies because they can't bend down anymore. So we have changed toilets, stop leaks under sinks, climbed ladders to clean gutters, she redid their sprinklers!! We laugh about it and say we are learning how to do everything once our hubbies pass. As long as you are careful, and completely understand the directions, do it!! We think about it as exercise and we don't need to go to a gym. Maybe a little attitude adjustment might help? When he passed you will be wishing he was still around being the director? Or not! Up to you.

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My situation is similar except I'm living in my Dad's home and I'm his caregiver/helper. Therefore, he "parents" me and says he's sure I can repair something or do certain tasks etc. There is really no room for negotiation and he is not completely realistic (but thinks he is). I'm working full time, virtually, and doing everything to assist my Dad and maintain his home etc. He says "no" to hiring contractors for home repairs or maintenance, including lawn & snow services. It sounds like your husband and my father are very similar. I do understand this mentality (depression-era generation) but I'm only one person. My physical and mental health have tanked. 😔

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I'm sorry to hear this, Sandy. Praying for you.

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"he throws a tantrum. Ultimately (so far) I give in"

Like in Groundhog Day, that big puddle on the street. You see it. You know you are heading towards it - yup. Splash again.. So HOW to step around it? HOW to cross the road? 🤔

Losing independence is hard. DH probably wants to stay in control.

My 1st idea is put it kindly & give him control you can "I just can't do that job - I'm getting old too - we need to accept hiring someone. We can choose Bob or Bill." Then let him have some input & control in the hiring choice.

2nd idea is be a bit slippery. Just casually mention Mr Fixit is coming around shortly. Maybe he won't make a scene in front of him??

3rd idea - be blunt. I said no. I won't do it. You can yell, pout & carry on but it won't change my mind. I said no. Leave room. Hire someone.

If you have a peacemaker streak, overriding him & saying no will be very hard for you. But it is possible with practice.

Unfortunately small vessel ischemic disease or TIAs will effect his thinking. He won't know it, feel it or accept it. So no point discussing it. Common sence goes. Eg unable to reason that a retirement aged woman can not do heavy maintenance.

Plenty on this forum have reported being asked by very elderly parents to get on ladders or the roof, clean gutters etc when they are old enough to need that help themselves! Parents are 90 & think their adult kids are still 35!!

I hope others can offer practical help for your problem here, to help reduce your stress. (We know how bad stress on caregivers is).

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I will say this -- and it isn't what you want to hear -- but knowing these things will help keep you from being ripped off when someone is brought in to do repairs. He's trying to teach you to understand how things work in the house, so when he's gone, you won't be completely clueless about them. It's not bad to know how to do a $15 repair where a plumber would cost $200.

Or, tell him you're not interested in knowing these things and just hire out the work.

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It's nice to be advised, but that's not the same as being told to do the work and refusing to hire it out!

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Dad keeps wanting something repaired or moved. I or someone else help do it. Then it's another thing. If I keep putting it off, he keeps mentioning it until its done.

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Repairs! Expectations? How to say no to taking on house repairs?

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