For those of you were tired of my posts, sorry. For those of you who understand how sick this whole thing is, thank you. To sum up, narcissistic mother left at age 13 (but waited until 13) to go to Europe. Depressed. Anxious. Never took responsibility. At age 17, called me every night about problems. Swore would never live in the same city with her. Did not come to wedding, graduations or pay for anything. One-way relationship.
I felt compassion and fear so tried to keep her at bay. Paid for her to live as she lost money and I wanted her FAR away from me. About 1.5 years ago, at 77, she had another life attack and was frozen after acting semi-decent. We saw her a couple times in 10 years. Maybe 15 days. Now for the past 1.5 years she emails 10 times a day (to multiple emails, from 5 emails, pretend rabbis), skypes, LinkedIn messages, facebook. I've blocked and blocked. I've called police in Florida 5 times. I've gone to police in San Francisco and filed a harassment order. I've spoken with lawyers. She has clearly stated that there is no way she is honoring boundaries at her age. She will not be decent. Not with her world crashing down. She will not stop. I am the only one. Doesn't want to be in St. Louis with my sister. Doesn't want to live alone in nice condo I offered to buy her. I'm still working through how to not feel guilty and how to be okay with not knowing her whereabouts. She really doesn't leave the room in the hotel. She really is miserable. But, she won't agree to anything but me coming to save her and that's not happening. She is evil and conniving and manipulative. I need some more support. Yes, counselor supports me to meditate, set boundaries. She will not honor any. Interrupts my daily life and my thoughts and my activities. Uploading to police file now. More time. Her sick thinking is that she gave birth to me and I owe her my life.
The hotel people, tell them you will no longer be in contact with them and you are cutting off any financial aid to Mom. Do not contact u with any problems, call the police. Tell them to say to the police Mom is mentally ill and needs to be Baker Acted. This is the only way she may get help. Mom has 170k, she needs to spend it.
I am sure u were told this last year. The only way you can solve this problem is to go NO CONTACT. Forget ur Mom exists. Get rid of any emails you don't need for business. Block, block, block. If someday u get a call from APS in Fla, you tell them Mom walked out on u at 13. You have no relationship with her. She is mentally ill and you cannot care for her or want to. That the State of Fla needs to become her guardian.
Why in blazes are you paying this bully $30k per year?
It doesn't keep her from threatening you, does it?
What are you afraid of? Her showing up in CA? Where you can get a restraining order for harassment?
What part of "stop this madness" are you not getting?
Kiddo, do you have a shrink yet?
G'mar Chatimah Tova.
Use Monday to do some soul searching about why you feel obligated to this abusive person.
The OP is has self-named herself OCDtrauma.
The OP can choose to seek therapy, to be open to new ways to respond to her world. Or not.
Choose to stay entwined into this, stay a victim. Let this Mother-obsession rule her life. Or not.
I wish you clarity & courage OCD.
Remember that your narcissistic mother’s behavior will NEVER change. Also, a narcissist can NEVER show compassion or empathy, so do not expect this from your mother. You need to focus on YOUR sanity and health; do not let your mother ruin your life.
"My husband will monitor the 1 email account channel we keep open. If this is foolish, maybe but I will follow this and I will not fund her next year if she violates. That is going to be hard. She will go nuts. She won't spend $20 on an uber with $170,000k in the bank. She won't spend a nickel, so a hoarding disorder on top, with depression and anxiety."
Your mother walked out on you at a very delicate age. Teenage girls need strong parental figures for love, guidance and financial support. Your mother forfeited her duties to you but is now harassing you to take care of her. She has not been a responsible parent to you. Even if she was, you are not old aged insurance for taking care of aging parents; especially if they've been difficult from the start. I'm not going to go into how rotten her childhood was if she got a bad start in life, because this does not excuse her behavior in how she has treated you all of these years.
Continue to keep your boundaries and follow through with your actions. You will be okay.
I am the only child of my parents that didn't do worse to others because I had it so hard as a child. And I experienced shit that no person, let alone a child should ever have to survive through. It sucked enough that I decided I wouldn't ever perpetuate the horrors I suffered, so I know it is a choice. I also don't see myself as a victim and my brother revels in poor me, all while doing worse then we dealt with but, he's a victim and his life shows the results of embracing that mind set. As we often see here with toxic, self serving "parents".
Such a waste of what could be if people would see others and not only themselves.
Ocd, have you ever addressed the abandonment of your 13 year old self by the one person life tells us we should be able to count on? I feel so bad for you every time I see that you are still trying to be good enough for your mom to treat you better, different, with love.
You know that you are stuck in that 13 year mentality with this hateful creature that birthed you and until you grow up with your self regarding her, you will forever be stuck. Please don't do this to yourself. You and your children deserve so much better then trying to earn the love and decent treatment from someone that only gives a crap about themselves.
You have your answer from the police, she needs to be in CA for them to do anything. You know why this is? Because she is NOT a real threat to you until she is at your door. Pay attention to that, it makes sense.
You have done good putting boundaries in place, stopped sending her money and everything else you have done, well done!
The hard part with all of this is that she won't quit. So you have to remain diligent and not have contact with her, regardless of how hard she tries.
You are not killing her and what a horrendous thing to say. She obviously, doesn't care about you or she would not have done or continue to do the vile things she does. That is NO reflection on you now or back when she walked out.
I do recommend that you seek counseling for your 13 year old self. That is a tough age under the best upbringing, I can't imagine how hard it was with the abandonment on top of just being a 13 year old girl.
Deal with that and I bet you find it in yourself to say enough already. Mommy dearest, choices have consequences and you are dealing with your choices, sucks but such is life. Bugger off now and enjoy the life you chose, me, I'm going to enjoy my family before they feel abandoned by me because of your nonsense.
You can do this!
I think suggesting that someone open themselves up to helping and supporting others on this site rather than bouncing off after their "ongoing request for support" gets fulfilled would help the OP in the long run.
In a prior (but very similar post), you left some alarming news late in the day about your mother having just messenged you that she is going to kill herself. Others continued to write to you for support - but you left it silent after that. And you wrote back the next day the thoughts you had while you were at the theater the nite before. You were fine enough to go to a show, but I do believe that you left that climax as is so as not to respond back to others on this site that your mother was checked on and ok because it added to the drama.
I see question marks in your story - again on this post, you're referencing that she didn't pay for your wedding 20 years ago? I thought that's more of a father thing to do anyway - and, seriously, some people pay for their own wedding. She probably wasn't invited to your wedding and graduation, but you write your post in a way that makes her negligent. I think your narrative enables you to get exactly what you want and need - which is for people to support you in not hearing and speaking ever to your mother and relieving the guilt - and to feel sorry for you. But, you've heard it all already. Do you see this as taking advantage of others' good nature and time by continuing to say the same advice again to you?
You're sending her photo and story to your entire townhouse community like she's some kind of armed, deranged fugitive - and to be on the look-out because she's dangerous - but, in reality, she's not. She's just a drama queen and neurotic - and pathetic. And that's about it. So, I really think you need to put your mother in perspective - because there are some really hideous mothers out there - physically and verbally toxic, violent and abusive - who have caused way worse. I'm truly not trying to minimize your own suffering with her, but rather trying to get you out of your own self.
I used that term advisedly. Many posters who come here have grown up with mentally ill parents who've told them that THEY are the ones who are not fitting in, not normal.
The OP who has lived with lifelong craziness deserves to know that their parent is very off balance and that damage has been done to their perception of reality.
It must be such a weight to be under.
If she did turn up, you ask her to leave. It really can that simple.
If she didn't leave, you call 911.
All else seems panic & doom thinking.
Is this situation getting you past worried, into paranoia? What supports do you have for your own mental health?
Please stop being afraid of this paper tiger.
So she's outside. Does she have weapons?
That's HUGE in my book.
So she shows up. So what?
You have a doorman building, yes? Make sure they have a picture of her and DO NOT ENTER note.
You have a peephole, right? She shows up at your door, you call 911 and say there is a stranger at your door and have her arrested.
The "bad" language was mine, Margaret.
How do the cops interpret that?
What does your lawyer say?
Yes, can't file harassment order against someone you support.
Would you hesitate to do that?
Your "mother" is severely mentally ill.
She won't seek treatment. Your only alternative is to involve law enforcement to get her to stop harassing you, which is a crime.
Just do it. Why are you hesitant?
There comes a time that this just looks like it's "attention seeking." Which is really what your mother does too - isn't it? She does this to you. And now you're mirroring that same behavior here. I'm sorry to say that. I can't even envision what's left that hasn't been already written to you. You actually could just read over all of the comments from your former post. Or, are you looking for those who are new to this site and your story and they can advise the same to you?
What you're doing is wanting to keep this story energized for another round - maybe it's interesting to read new attention you're receiving from a new post because I don't understand otherwise. You're feeding your own sickness this way - plus, it's using others.
My advise is to take yourself out of yourself - there are tons of others on this site who are having a very difficult time from a toxic situation. Maybe you should respond to other posters' sites and express your own support, compassion and guidance to others here instead - and help THEM. Perhaps it would change your trajectory.
Wishing you much inner peace going forward ~
Stop sending money
Make an auto response for the email accounts she contacts --something akin to "F√cK You".
Delete phone messages.
SHE can think any d∆mn thing she wants. Shouldn't matter to you at all.
You refuse to go completely no contact. You are addicted to the drama, I do not know what your payoff is, but there is always one.
We are not psychiatrists, we cannot resolve your issues, get the help you need.
I have to agree, its up to you now. I know its going to effect your life but you need to shut down your email and get rid of your landline and cell phone #s. Time to set up a new email and phone#s. Unlist your landline. You don't answer her calls you don't read her emails. You don't need to know where she is or what she is doing. If she shows up on ur doorstep you call the police and ask to have her removed. They do not need to know she is ur mother. Just a crazy woman on ur doorstep. You deny she is ur mother because she really isn't. Just a DNA
You need a better councillor. You need a licenced therapist who will get to the root of why u feel any obligation to this woman. We have all told you the same thing. You are not responsible for this woman. She abandoned her family to live her life in Europe doing whatever she pleased. Now she is getting old, thats not your problem. She made her choices. She is mentally ill. Nothing u do will change that. She wants things her way. Sorry, not going to happen. YOU have to let go. As long as you talk to her or answer her emails, you are giving her hope you will do what she wants. Your Mom is mentally ill and you can't help her. You will never get the love u deserve because she is not capable of giving it. You have to forget she exists.
You are making decisions for your own life based on I am uncertain exactly what. You already have done this for years, and you know the outcome. You are enabling your mother by spending on her and attempting to make her happy. Her limitations will never allow her to be happy, so you are wasting your own life. No one can stop you from throwing yourself on this sacrificial pyre.
This is entirely in your own hands.