My Mother needs a caregiver but won't tolerate anyone who isn't white. Can she ask that of an agency?

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My Mother needs a caregiver but won't tolerate anyone who isn't white. Can she ask that of an agency?

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Here's the situation... my 81 year old mother needs a caregiver for some basic cleaning and possibly personal care. Everyone else can see (and smell) that she needs this help but she has fought me on it for 6 months. She has finally agreed but insists that she won't tolerate anyone who is black.

It embarrasses me to even bring it up to an agency, but I know if a black person shows up, she will fire the person and the agency on the spot - and it will be another six months of arguing with her that she needs help.

Can she or the agency discriminate like this?

Home Care

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I would suggest talking with the agency - you need to explain what they'll be dealing with - they probably will have suggestions.

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When I worked in Long Term Care, the resident had the right to ask for female only Aid, or white only Aid. I would think the Agency would grant your request. I'm sure the agency understands that the people in their care are from a different era than we are.

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She can request anything she wants, even hair color. However there are very few and far between young white people willing to do the work. So she will have no help at all for a long time.

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We did exactly that. Requested exactly what appearance would work best for my Mom. It is a very common request, there was so much discrimation and prejudice when our folks were kids. And dementia takes them back to a time when it was commonplace. Before we started regular weekly caregiving, and I knew NOTHING, a black caregiver was sent. This did not go at all well. My mom thought she was a thief, physically tried to throw her out of the house and was trying to call 911.

Request exactly what appearance will work best for your mom. If the first agency you call cannot fill the bill call another. It is about what will make mom most comfortable.

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And make sure you notify the authorities to tell them someone with dementia lives at the address. If mom can use the phone you would not want her calling 911 and them responding thinking something was terribly wrong at the house.

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most of the CGs at the agency we used were middle aged women,, and everyone they sent was white ( our regular lady and my MIL's aides) They hear these type of requests all the time. We had a man for dad's first companion, then a sweet county lady for when mom came home. Even the man was white and middle aged. And we not even think to ask about race,, although it is a blessing in MILs case, she even thought relatives and friends who were black were sketchy... it IS a generatiional thing in many areas.

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One house my mother lived in the next door neighbour was black, had never spoken to him but she hated him. Come the winter he shoveled the snow off her driveway and he was instantly a prince. She couldn't care if anyone was black, white or green with pink spots as long as there was something in it for her and it was free. One day her house was egged and it wasn't even halloween so I guess she pissed off a lot of people, as she did everywhere she went.

Racism was the norm in their era. These days kids of all colours, races and cultures go to school together, accepting whoever as a friend, which is so much healthier.

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Thanks for your input everyone! As someone predicted the agencies have certainly heard this before. Some said they could accommodate. Others can't mostly because they have very few white employees. The one that came to talk to her said on the phone it was fine but then said they were an equal opportunity employer when they showed up at the house. I guess we'll see what happens. To any members of the African American community reading this... I apologize for the previous generation!

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While my mother wasn't a very open minded person to start by the 1980's she had evolved enough to even accept my mixed race boyfriend - and neither mix was white so she had come a long way. Thank God as one of her very best caregivers as a lovely middle aged African American woman. In my opinion she was the best of the dozen or so we've had over the years. Smart, knowledgable of caregiving and seniors well beyond her pay grade and she didn't take one ounce of the crap my mom dished out - mom loved her too!

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Robin, if it's any consolation my MIL - well, it wasn't just skin colour, they had to conform to all sorts of character and cultural traits as well. Then she met a few. Ashlynne's anecdote tells you the whole story, which is really in the end that "handsome is as handsome does."

I hope you won't have to, but if necessary remind her that abusive behaviour towards an employee of any description is not acceptable. Meanwhile cross your fingers that the caregivers have met her kind before and know very well how to deal :)

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A dear lady in assisted living with dementia did not want certain aides to help her. This was surprising, since she was interested in various places in the world and requested that some of the aides give a little panel discussion about where they were from. In her case not wanting certain aides turned out to be about the inability to understand them. Many residents are hard of hearing, and have trouble processing what they hear. In Minnesota, an aide from Alabama might be as hard to understand as one from India.

In touring a nursing home for my mother, I asked if all the aides spoke English. Of course! was the answer. It is a requirement. But then in an aside the tour guide admitted that she often couldn't understand them herself.

I am most definitely NOT anti-immigrant! But in some jobs clear understandable English is more important than in others, and I think in working with the elderly and impaired it is critical!

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When we got a personal care attendant for my husband, in his mid 80s, I didn't need to specify a race. We were lucky in that her English was fine, and local. No problems with communication. Husband liked her very much. Just now I was trying to remember her race. I remember her personality and her kindness and her age and some things she said about her family, but wasn't sure if she was Black. Very curious, I just looked up a picture from an outing the three of us went on. Yup, she was Black.

I am so glad that was not an issue for us, but I do understand how it might be for an old set-in-her-ways person, and I'd try to avoid conflict rather than to try to teach an old dog new tricks. There are plenty of households that won't care.

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Robin, as an AAI (African American Indian or Afro Indian) I take no offense and understand completely. I put that designation b/c I would get looks sometimes when having to fill out forms and check the proverbial box. If I checked AA I always got the look of what else are you, but I could see the fear of asking so I just put that down and smiled. There was racism then and there is now with and within all races to some degree, not just white and black. Example, when I got married my grandma said my God why do you have to marry someone SO dark skinned in which I retorted have you looked in the mirror lately? A dark skinned woman herself. It's a valid question so please be at ease with asking it, that's why we're all here. Caregiving is an equal opportunity issue.

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Don't indulge that. Boundaries now.

My mother was spitting fire adamant that no non-white person would ever help her. Ever! She was from the rural south in the 1940s-50s during the hey day of the KKK and pure white rhetoric at school, church, and home. She was raised to believe that every black man on this planet was out to rape her at the first chance they might get. Black women would steal her blind. Never mind that had never actually occurred to her or anybody she ever knew or read about.

WELL....Miss Daisy doesn't always get her way.
When push came to shove and she had to let a great big black man wipe her butt. I felt sorry for HIM. Momma ranted for days about him getting to see her undercarriage. I laughed out loud and long at her. "Getting to!" don't you mean "Having to!" see one as old and tired as yours is no day at the park mom.

I told her that it doesn't matter if somebody has plaid skin with polka dots and day-glo antlers if they are willing and qualified then they are going to help and she's going to keep her fool mouth shut to let them. "There is not exactly a line of family or relatives lining up to wash your behind now is there? You have to take help where it comes. Red, yellow, black, white, pink, purple, green, whatever."

That was 2+ years ago. All her caretakers now are from Africa, many from Liberia who fled horrendous war and unspeakable atrocities. They didn't know they were "black" until they got here and heard it from a bunch of shriveled up demanding old white women. How insulting.

I had a really bad day one time and told mom to just stick that nonsense of hers where the sun don't shine. This is not anybody's idea of a dream job, to come in here and deal with you and your mouth or your fanny. Especially after what a lot of the attendants had already been through. She actually has calmed down with a lot of her racist b.s.

It had everything in the world to do with the adjustment of her anti-psychotic meds. I think she's had more day to day interaction with non-white people in the past 2 years than she had in the 76 years prior.

There will be many other things on this journey that momma won't like and it does not matter one whit. You have to do what you must to keep her safe and clean and what color somebody is, is simply not a choice on the table at this point.

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I agree Sandwich42plus. Most of the time, I say go with anything that works, but when it comes to the avoidance of nonwhite care providers on purpose......it doesn't feel right to me. I can't go against my feelings that way. I'd have to make it work with whoever the qualified person was that was sent. It would just be a challenge that we would have to work on together.

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One side issue - Caregivers from Africa tend to be the best educated, at least around Massachusetts. Many were RN's or even MD's in Africa, and are very professional and understanding. You can tell Mom that you want her to have the most qualified caregiver, even if it's someone black.

But if she's really nasty about it, feel free (with my white privilege permission) to take the path of least resistance. It's no special treat to wipe the butt of a racist, even an elderly out-of-date racist.

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Oh dear, my mom sends home the overweight nurses. Embarrassing. As her Alzheimers worsens she seems more tolerant lately. I hope it lasts.

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My Mom didn't like anyone who wasn't just like her [race, culture, religion, and even weight]. Whew, she was snarly at caregivers who came into the house.

But then even when the caregivers were more similar to herself, she wasn't user friendly.... thus for her it became pride, that she wanted every ounce of independence to manage her own household and she would die trying. And she did.... [sigh]

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Yes, she can 'discriminate' like this. Part of accepting in-home care is finding that just right person who fits. No judgement. The elderly customer is always right.

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My Mother needs a caregiver but won't tolerate anyone who isn't white. Can she ask that of an agency?

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