My dad passed away 5 years ago leaving mom on her own. She is 82 and suffers from no major illness but does take medication for her heart, and has uses a walker to get around due to knee operations and a fall she had 2 years ago. Mentally she has no problems but due to her age we limit alot of her activities such as using the stove and climbing any stairs when we are not present. Meals are also prepared for her with her participating when it is simple. My brother had been living with them due to dad's illness and continued to do so after dad passed away. We live 4 hours apart and we had agreed when my dad passed that my mom come for visits at our home 2 times a year for approx 1 1/2 months in order to give my brother a break. I also would go up to visit often and spend up to a week taking care of her doctor appointments and any other issues that needed to be taken care of.
My brother does not work in the winter therefore he was not concerned for that time period. It has now been 5 years and my brother is finding it harder and harder to care for her for long periods of time. He has requested that we take her more often for longer periods of time. For instance she would spend 2 months with us and then back to my her home for approx. 3 months and then back at my home for approx 2 months and so on. So it would be like sharing her so that both can have a break from the care. One of the issues is that my home is a small cottage so therefore there are stairs to go to the bedrooms where her home is a bungalow therefore much easier to care for and much easier if one has to go out to run errands and not have to worry about her using the stairs to go take a nap or go to bed. Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times. For instance I will not leave the house till she is downstairs and had breakfast and ready for the day. I make sure I am home when she goes up for her nap or when it is time for her to go to bed. Being that it is a small cottage it means we are basically all together for most of the day....privacy is non existent. This puts alot of stress on my relationship with my husband as he feels we cannot do anything spontaneous and he feels when my mother is here he basically looses his wife and feels we have no privacy due to our home being small.
As time goes on me and my brother have realized that in a couple of years she will need much more care as with time and age she will demand more care and at that time we will make other decisions such as a home for elderly. She is ageing and new medical issues have started to appear. I have no issues with this arrangement my brother has proposed. My mother has always been there for me. She has always helped me at times when I needed her. Such as spending time away from her home and dad when I had several operations or for any other reason I may have needed her. She was always here for me at a moments notice. The problem is basically my husband who resents having my mother here for longer period of time than one month at a time. He feels two months at a time to long and is only ok with her visiting 2-3 times a year no longer than one month at a time. I feel torn and am resenting his lack of support. I have tried explaining that she is not yet ready to be in a home and when that time comes we will deal with it. For now I want to do this with all my heart. I cannot imagine placing my mom in a home at this time. This is causing alot of stress between me and my husband. I love him very much but I feel like he is asking me to choose between my mom and him. I find this selfish on his part and find that his lack of support a slap in the face.
My mom is not here 365 days a year why would he be so opposed with helping me and my brother care for my mom. She is not just my brothers responsibility but also mine. I am so stressed by this that I find myself crying daily. I never would of expected him to react in this manner. Am I wrong for feeling this way? We have been together for 21 years. Can our solid years together not be able to support this arrangement for a few years to come? I find myself not feeling I am becoming distant from him because I cannot understand why he would not want to support me with this. I find myseld asking "Who is this person" In tears while I am writing this and any suggestions would be appreciated . I apologize if I am rambling away but it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. Thank you for any suggestions or insight to this issue.
Your husband does not sound like a caregiver (I know I'm not) and it is a big imposition to have an elderly in-law live with you so much. It is also HIS home and he is making clear he no longer wants your mom to live with him My husband can only tolerate about 24 hours of my mom staying with us. Your husband and your marriage come first - help mom find assisted living.
There is no shame. Good luck to you
And when sig other does do something to help out, my gosh, you'd think he is looking for a parade so that everyone in town can see how he had helped :P Why can't people work as a team? Why is their free time so much more important than your free time? If the spouse would help out, then there would be more free time to do things as a couple.
And FF I'm waiting for my parade too........
You say this period of longer and more frequent visits would be for "a few years." How do you know it wouldn't be 15 years? Really? If her health remains stable and she is about the same as she is now in, say, 7 years are you just going to say "it's been long enough" and kick her out? You are counting on her needing increased levels of care but it doesn't sound like she has a chronic condition that would make that less likely.
Find a suitable care home for your mother now, either near you or near your brother. It could be independent living but with a full range of care options, so if she needs assisted living or even skilled nursing as she ages she can easily move to the level she needs. As long as her health permits it, she can still visit your brother and you for weeks at a time.
You marriage should come first. Yes, spouses should be supportive of each other. But for heavens' sake, your husband hasn't refused to have anything to do with your mother or been unkind to her. He is fine with her visiting.
Your brother also deserves his own life back.
To me the obvious solution is to find Mom a new home with the level of care she needs now built it, and room for more care later. Obviously she has some say in this!! But if you and Brother step out of the "we'll sacrifice anything" mode she may be happy to have such an arrangement.
I know in my situation my Mom did not want to be a bother to anyone and so her health became very bad before she let on that it was a problem. By then it was too late to have her come live with any of us cause the situation was very serious.
I know if my husband were to suggest to me that his mother or father come live with us I would seriously object simply cause I have never had a close relationship with either of them and it would most likely destroy our marriage. But every situation is different.
If I were you I would sit my husband, brother and mother down and have a frank discussion about how you could make arrangements that would suit everyone involved. Good Luck to you.
Says who?
There are "homes" available at ALL levels of services and care. She isn't ready to have a small apartment that someone else cleans, with meals served in a lovely restaurant? What do you have to be to be "ready" for that? (The ads I keep getting for senior living places are looking more and more appealing to me, and I'm 71 with health that allows me to be fully functioning."
I think you and your brother need to educate yourselves about what is actually available, and then perhaps educate Mom. Making assumptions about what she is "ready" for is not doing anyone any favors.
I think we'd all love to hear how you resolve this. Please keep in touch!
Comparing how your husband should accept your mother to how you accepted his children is not apples and oranges -- it is elephants and computer chips. They have nothing to do with each other.
Since you feel your marriage is very one-sided, perhaps it is time for some couple counselling. Would you consider discussing this with an impartial third party, trained in listening? I think in the long run you want this marriage to succeed. Putting it in jeopardy for a personal 2-year goal may not be in your best interests. But giving up that goal and simmering with resentment won't be good for you marriage, either. Would you consider letting a professional help you both sort this out?
Looking back on the years when my mom and aunt did this with my grandma, a nice AL would have been a better choice, mostly for Grandma, who missed out on being around people of her own age.
What if he said yes to make you happy, but in two months he blew up because he couldn't stand it any more? This is a time when he is telling you something you don't want to hear, but he is really "treating you right" by being honest about it.
I hear how committed you are to taking care of your mother. Can you consider any other situation that would allow you to care for her without destroying your marriage?
Could she get an apartment or AL in your town, so you could see her every day? Could you use her money to build a first floor "master suite" where there would be no stairs to worry about and less intrusion into your family life? What would your husband think about you spending a month at her home? Try to be open to other possibilities that are acceptable to you and your husband.
Or you could just divorce him. I'm OK with that. Just don't think for a minute that you can get him to see that "it's only fair" that he should go along with this. As we all have to learn, what's fair and what happens, what exists, are often far apart. God bless you. It's a really tough one.
Going out on a limb here...I think he's concerned that the visits will evolve into long stretches of time, as she needs more care and your brother becomes more burned out. Many caregivers find that you take a step and another, and one day, you wonder how you got where you are. I think you're looking at things as they are now, and he's looking at what it could evolve into.