How do you resolve your feelings with the thing you know you should be doing for your own sanity?
I PROMISED my father I wouldn't put Mum in a care home on his death bed. Now you have to understand I loved and will always love my Dad beyond all else (save my children), so that promise means everything to me. However it is coming to the point that I don't feel able to continue. Mum would fall almost every time she stands if I wasn't there to support her. She wont shower because it hurts her.. She is totally bladder incontinent and I can deal with all of that. She is miserable to me when we are alone but not if others are there (usually) and I can tolerate that for the most part. What I am increasingly finding impossible is the lack of a proper sleep... Because Mum calls me at least 4 times every night throughout the night sometimes as much as 14 times I am running permanently on empty ...at least it feels that way. Do I know she should be in care? Oh yes. Can I resolve that in my head? No I can't and I am sat here crying about it so please be positive because I can't take any moire negativity
The Doc prescribed a mild sleeping medication. He refused it...so it went into his evening desert.
This did not totally solve the problem. He would wake up about 5am. But, I got several hours of sleep
Did he have his own fears and prejudices about care homes?
Did he have a somewhat dysfunctional marriage, in that he sacrificed more of himself that he should have to please his wife and keep things stable?
Did he understand that she was unable to give unconditional love and that only a binding vow would make you do what you have been doing?
I'm going to segue into an odd direction... it is like vowing to donate a kidney to a family member who you know will need it some day, seeing it as a sacrifice worth making for the greater good. But what if you only have one kidney (one life), must you still keep that vow?
Your dad remembered homes as asylum, I'm pretty sure. So there's that.
Your mom needs more care than one person can give. If your dad left enough funds for 8 hours of care overnight, that might be a place to start.
I know that you are not so much bothered by your mom's being nasty to you as many of us would be. It's not that that's wearing you down, it's sleep deprivation. So if the choice is yours having a stroke from the stress of lack of sleep, or cancer from chronic stress and are no longer in the picture, who will be there to take care of mom? Did dad ask you to die in the service of mom? Think on't, my friend.
Katie that is with an upped medication she just will not sleep. If I give it to her earlier I cannot get her into bed because she is dopey but just not sleeping deeply enough not to press her damned buzzer!
I wonder if after doing that, when you go visit mom and you feel rested and relaxed, you might get a glimpse of what you missing. After I got rested, I actually looked forward to my visits with my cousin. It was a very different experience.
Many years ago ( my eldest will be 37 next Shabbat, so gives you an idea)...when my girls, who are 20 months apart, we're 2 and newborn, i got myself totally exhausted, pushing myself with their care, bookkeeping for my husband's business and trying to keep a 3 bedroom house clean. Husband was, had been verbally and physically abusive. HIS mom had two kids inside of 11 months, and SHE never complained, according to him.
I went to my 6 week postpartum check up and my doctor seemed concerned, but I laughed off his suggestion that I needed rest and help. Fast forward two weeks, a day after my daughter's 2nd birthday party (huge family gathering for which I did all the cooking,etc). At my doctor's insistence, i had seen a psychiatrist who wanted to hospitalize me. I gently laughed at her concerns. " I have loads of reserves left", I remember telling her.
I was walking down the Avenue a few days later with my babies. This street had many businesses that shipped goods to the Caribbean, those big barrels, you know? I thought to myself, I could pack the girls in one of them and kill myself, that way there wouldn't be any mess, because my husband and mom would be so upset if I called attention to myself and made a mess.....
I walked home, chewing over those thoughts. I went into my husband's office and said " i need to go to the hospital ". "No, you don't " he said. I went upstairs, called the shrink, packed a bag for me and the baby and took the subway to my nervous breakdown. It turned out that my infant had a double barreled ear infection that I hadn't picked up on, because I had no reserves.
Jude, you don't have to tell your mom anything. She won't understand. Just work with her doctor getting her someplace and get yourself well.
Oh, and it turned out that my mother in law, " who never had any problems" refused to get out of bed when her second kid was 8 weeks old. Her mother came and took over the household for a few months.
That said, you are sleep deprived. You already acknowledge the primary side effect of sleep deprivation, which is impaired judgment. Other side effects include reduced ability to retain information, accidents including fatal car crashes, and injury. The effects on your health of not getting enough sleep night after night include increased risk for diabetes, heart disease, and even death.
You have children. If you have to choose between their wellbeing and the irrational promise you made to your dad, which are you going to pick? In this case it's not enough to say you will choose your kids. You must act. And from the sound of things, you must act quickly.
People are generally pretty kind. "Yep, you're out there in the wilderness, aren't ya? Your mother is so lucky to have you." Then they say good bye and maybe show up again in a year.
It's enough to get us depressed when we realize that people around us are such stinkers.
I don't think you should consider the promise made to your father. Even he had to ultimately put his parents in the hospital. The main thing to consider is how to get your mother to agree to go. Forcing her to go would make things so difficult. I wish you had a backup person -- I wish we all did! They could take over for a while so you could get things arranged.
I hope there is a good life out there when this is all over. I think we've earned it.
The dreaded Promise! My husband promised his Dad he would never Put him into a Nursing home, and 13 years in, we are at that very place to make the decision to do so. And while our complaints are different, as we don't have the "lack of sleep issues yet, putting our lives on hold, only to watch him decline in a recliner, day after day, year after year, and for what? We are down to " It's simply not fair", him expecting us to continue to do this, and should have taken steps a long time ago!
We all have a right, to enjoy our lives, and shouldn't be held hostage by a Promise that you know and I know isn't worth it's weight in water!
It's the FOG, the is getting to you, and yes, you will soon be sick from adhering to this guilt or unfair commitment to her, that is causing such a physical and emotional toll on you.
Your smart girl, but you keep thinking that her time here on earth is Probably coming to an end, that you can tough it out, but it just isn't necessarily so! It could be years yet, and are you prepared to make that commitment, going forward as you have done? I'm not, I'm done, but I have to honor my husband, and allow him to come to his own conclusion, and together we will find him the right place.
I so wish you had other to lean on a bit more, as like me, you are not willing to put this burden onto the backs of your children, as they have very busy lives of their own. You have undoubtedly made sure that You will never wish to be a burden to your own children for this very reason, and your kids adore you!
The one thing that you can lean on, in answering your own question, is that you have had your Mom in Respite care in the past, and probably know that she will ultimately adjust given no other option, and you know that your commitment to her will not end, just because she is placed into a Nursing home setting! You will continue to be their for her, but in a more rested and healthy way.
You know that you need to come to a decision at some point, as things cannot continue as they are! So if there are No medications that will correct this problem, no money available, or a government paid Night Nurse or Aide to cover her nighttime care, allowing you some much needed sleep, now and every night going forward, you are in an ticking time bomb situation, where something is going to happen, To You! And then where will she be?
My Dear Friend, take the steps to find her a nice Nursing home, and get out from under all this pressure from caregiving, it's time! It will all work out. You will never stop advocating for her, caring for her, loving her.
I'm sure your Dad would be Proud of You. He never completely understood the burden he placed on your shoulders. No one could have. Be free!
I get a text message saying I have a doctors appointment...odd I didn't book one so I rang them - Bear in mind this is the UK and we like to waste money!
She said oh you need to bring your mum up to the surgery for a dementia review. I said I cant get her into my car any more so I am afraid I cant bring her
Oh well we will have to send out an assessor to make sure she is too disabled to get in your car! NOW I CAN FEEL THE TEMPERATURE RISING ...IN A BIG WAY
I said its not the issue that she can't get in the car but that I cannot get her in on my own.
Could your husband help? Not from the grave no - he would find it quite difficult and OK OK I shouldn't have been rude but really?
Fair enough she did accept she had overstepped the mark but then she apologised for her next comment before she even made it.
Well I am afraid we have to send an assessor out because we can sometimes show you how to get your mum into the car. INTERNAL RAGE SETTING IN
Could I speak to your manager please because I know you are not to blame for this and I want to direct it to the right person.
Manager comes to the phone (and regretted doing so in less than a minute) as I say. Could you please tell me why, when you have sent the certification that my mother is disabled to various doctors and social workers; why when you can see she has had dementia for several years and is on quite high doses of medication for it; why when you can see she is 94 and has been in hospital twice in the last 4 weeks for falls due to TIAS do you think she needs an assessment to tell someone that I am not prepared to risk MY HEALTH and MY SAFETY getting her into the car.
Oh its policy! DONT GO THERE IT MIGHT BE POLICY BUT ITS A WASTE OF BLOODY MONEY
I've liked your posts and poems over the years on this site - you have really helped others with advice and humor. I'm praying that you are able to make this next step & take care of YOU. God bless you!
I see your post is two days old as are the answers but thanks to A/C or my computer I have only just seen it this morning.
I am trying to find something helpful to say. You loved and still love your father but I don't believe he had any idea of what he was asking of you or what his wife would turn out to be like as she aged.
Do you need his permission to do what needs to be done? You have previously written that there is no love between you and your mother, so is the only thing that keeps you chained to her is OBLIGATION, the right thing to do.
You have also said that you have no religious beliefs so suggesting you pray about it would be for you to send an internet rock through my window.
Do you have anything that belonged to him? Some way you need to ask him to release you from that promise. Find a quiet place and take that object, hold it close to your face and tune into him and ask him what he wants you to do.
I know you don't believe in all this mumbo jumbo but I have tried this several times and it worked for me. Maybe you could ask her church to send a volunteer to help get her in the car and take her to church. Stay in the car out side or better yet wander into the churchyard where you won't feel Mum's influence and try to get an answer from your Dad. it is either that or wait for two men in white coats to take you away then you will have no say in what happens to Mum.
That truly confirms to me that no-one gives a £$%^& about carers other than that they work to save the government spending any money on elderly people - why dont they just stand up and say the elderly cost us too much.
We have a care navigator coming tomorrow though - she is the one who is supposed to steer us through the maze.....Just one thought - if it wasn't such a bloody maze would we need a navigator. If everyone did their job on time and to a decent (I WOULD SETTLE FOR HALF DECENT) standard we would all be so much better off!
I am going to try to get some sleep now before Mum wakes and asks if I have taken up the curtains - well yes I have but only pinned them the sewing comes tomorrow.
And by the way, half-decent does not include seamstressing. I'd call that above and beyond in fact; isn't there a friendly neighbourhood dry cleaner in your neck of the woods? They can usually manage basic repairs and alterations. They might even collect and deliver, too.
Sort of behind her hand, my favourite district nurse murmured something about Marie Curie offering overnight visits (clearly not just for oncology patients, then) - it came too late so I didn't follow it up but you might like to? Whatever it takes to get you some uninterrupted sleep, please. Hugs x
Care navigator sounds like a fairy-tale name for a social worker. Some are good, but some are not so useful. Your elder care system over there sounds very complicated. The only problem we have in the US, beyond cost, is trying to talk the elder into going into a facility.
Your talk about mazes made me think of rabbit warrens. They can build a large maze of burrows underground on the English hillsides. Made me think that doing elder care in the UK must be like jumping down the rabbit hole. No telling what you might find in the maze -- Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats perhaps. Sorry for the run-on distraction about Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it is relevant or perhaps I'm going nuts here. :-)
Or I am eligible for 3 hours a week respite - well hey I am entitled to it but can I get it? Nope - no assessment been done.
It because all the departments are separate and theres no bloody rope that will tie them together. So far I have dozens of numbers of people that might help but in the end you get so fed up of waiting and 'who did you speak to' and Oh she/he isnt here any more that you give up which is precisely what they want you to do.
It is only if I go into full melt down that they will do something but that will probably mean me being treated not the root cause.
The Alice in Wonderland analogy is spot on
An hour on and sleep wont come - what is it with sleep deprivation I should be out for the count