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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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In my opinion and experience, overstepping "bounds" is part of being a grownup. My inlaws are very strong personalities and have a strong marriage. Years ago they started making bad decisions and covered for each other. They became increasingly dependent on my husband and me. I love my inlaws and enjoy spending time with them but it was getting to be a bit much.
When my inlaws could no longer hide their bad decisions, my husband did not know what to do. He was behaving like their little boy, who did not question or challenge his parents. I wanted to help my inlaws, but I was not going to act or be treated like a little girl. I explained to my husband that caregiving was going to have to work for all of us or it was not going to work.
As a daughter-in-law, I saw things more objectively and my husband and I had many a discussion about what to do. We called family meetings and my inlaws did not like being spoken to sternly by their sons or us wives. My inlaws were declining rapidly and were depressed, but wanted everything their way and for nothing to change, which was completely unfair. I piped up that avoiding reality was unsustainable, which got the ball rolling on moving them to independent living where they are doing as well as is possible given their age and condition.
The question is very broad. In this case a lot would depend on the mental competence, or lock thereof, of the elders in question. Plus who has legal responsibility, POA etc.
It seems good that the family is involved but this can also get messy with different opinions flying about.
I think one mistake I was making when I was left alone caring for my folks from 3 states away was trying to force them to do what was best and easiest for me and not necessarily what was best for them. It would be much easier for me to put my folks in a care facility but they aren't quite ready. This makes everything much harder for me, I've done all they will allow to help but it will take a crisis to get good in home care started or a move to facility care.
depending on the extent of closeness to the in laws, I took more care of mother in law than her own, and my brother in law wife was never there for her , she said I was more like her daughter the her daughter ,, so I think that we should take care of our in laws a if they our own parents ,,, it's just good thing to do just be careful not to step on toes
Depends on what the patient wants. I know a woman who informed her children that she did NOT want in-laws making decisions, only her children. On the other hand, for my MIL, her own daughter was not cut out to be a caregiver. Her sons were accustomed to being waited on hand and foot. They had a hard time rethinking that. What I did do was encourage them to all be on the same page, because mom was trying to play them against each other.
IrmaMae - it sounds like you and hubby are the day to day caregivers, and the out of state sibling is coming in to remove the in-laws. Why are they being moved? Is it possible that this move could turn out to be a good thing?
It's a sticky situation for sure. And in all of our stories, the personal details dictate the right answer. For me, I'm the daughter-in-law and yet for most of two years I was the primary care person. The mom and the daughter had personality clashes and misunderstandings were the norm rather than the exception. In other families, the mom and daughter have such a tight bond, that it's the daughter who steps up and does most of it. Just depends.
What would be great here, is if out of state sibling, in laws and your family could have a sit down and talk about what is going on and why decisions are being made. When my hubby & I got to sit down and talk with Sis in law and her hubby - we were all four amazed at the misinformation we each had about the situation -- mom in law had been manipulating all of us in many ways, misunderstandings had blossomed into hurt feelings, and we were able to clear the air and get a good game plan (it was a LONG meeting, lol)
Hopefully you can work out something that is a good solution for your in laws - they really are the vulnerable ones here.
The day to day care is taken care of by the child and spouse that live in same area. The children living out of state have helped financially and make most of the decisions on the parent's care. They do not usually include their sibling and spouse taking the day-to-day care of the parent on their plans. Only expect compliance. Now they are planning to move elderly parent out-of-state to live with them and elderly parent does not want to move and leave this area.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When my inlaws could no longer hide their bad decisions, my husband did not know what to do. He was behaving like their little boy, who did not question or challenge his parents. I wanted to help my inlaws, but I was not going to act or be treated like a little girl. I explained to my husband that caregiving was going to have to work for all of us or it was not going to work.
As a daughter-in-law, I saw things more objectively and my husband and I had many a discussion about what to do. We called family meetings and my inlaws did not like being spoken to sternly by their sons or us wives. My inlaws were declining rapidly and were depressed, but wanted everything their way and for nothing to change, which was completely unfair. I piped up that avoiding reality was unsustainable, which got the ball rolling on moving them to independent living where they are doing as well as is possible given their age and condition.
It seems good that the family is involved but this can also get messy with different opinions flying about.
I think one mistake I was making when I was left alone caring for my folks from 3 states away was trying to force them to do what was best and easiest for me and not necessarily what was best for them. It would be much easier for me to put my folks in a care facility but they aren't quite ready. This makes everything much harder for me, I've done all they will allow to help but it will take a crisis to get good in home care started or a move to facility care.
It's a sticky situation for sure. And in all of our stories, the personal details dictate the right answer. For me, I'm the daughter-in-law and yet for most of two years I was the primary care person. The mom and the daughter had personality clashes and misunderstandings were the norm rather than the exception. In other families, the mom and daughter have such a tight bond, that it's the daughter who steps up and does most of it. Just depends.
What would be great here, is if out of state sibling, in laws and your family could have a sit down and talk about what is going on and why decisions are being made. When my hubby & I got to sit down and talk with Sis in law and her hubby - we were all four amazed at the misinformation we each had about the situation -- mom in law had been manipulating all of us in many ways, misunderstandings had blossomed into hurt feelings, and we were able to clear the air and get a good game plan (it was a LONG meeting, lol)
Hopefully you can work out something that is a good solution for your in laws - they really are the vulnerable ones here.