My Mother moved in with me 8 months ago. Brother "visits'' but never tells me when he is coming. Any advice?
Last time I was out of town. I had a Personal Support Worker take her to a coffee shop so he could pick her up for the weekend. THEY WAITED 2 hours. We tried to call/text: nothing. He FINALLY shows up. THEN we stated to drop her off at the same place at 4pm. He never arrived. We waited 30 minutes. called / text NOTHING. My Brother is a jerk.
We went back to the same place 2 times. We called the Police. They went with us to the coffee shop. he finally showed up at 7pm.
Police said since she has her own FREE WILL to go with him. nothing we can do. So now have to find an AGING LAWYER in Missouri to get full and legal custody.
Mom thinks she is going away to move in with my brother. but this will not happen. She has dementia. He doesn't have the money, resources or space. I do what I can. She sometimes gets very angry and violent against me; ME being the bad guy.
I take her 3-times a week to a Seniors Centre and she loves it. She hardly remembers any conversations with him. She loves it there. gets to do crafts and dance :)
SO my question; what legal advice or anyone with this scenario?
He texted me a threatening email the other day.
He was slated to come by next weekend. I asked him the day/time.
And again he states "I will get there when I get there"
SO I told him the visit is off.
He is not even coming to see HER. he has a concert to go to in my town.
I told him if he takes her HE is responsible for everything: IE: babysitting, watching her etc
He said ''Listen. YOU are the caregiver. I NOT coming to babysit her. just a visit"
He wants to come to MY HOUSE, but I will not let him in. he has a history of scams, taking money from family etc
He only wants to accommodate HIMSELF
I told him forget it then. And this week I go to a lawyer to get all the legal matter done.
He then wrote "Good luck with whats about to happen to you with her"
I am so emotionally drained. I try my best. I think I should charge him with threatening me.
How did mom see her son before she began living with you eight months ago? Did she have to get a ride to a coffee shop to meet him? Did he rob her blind when he visited her at her home?
This is about a power struggle with mom being the tug-of-war rope. How on EARTH did it get this bad? Why can't he pick up mom at your house when you're home? Then if he's hours late, it's no inconvenience. This reminds me of child custody nightmares with the wife making the husband's life miserable when he tries to see his kids.
Others here will undoubtedly sympathize. I just can't. If her son brings your mom some joy, I think you should try to facilitate their visits. I don't think you're doing that.
Passive/Aggressive? WOW
He also took her to her bank and wanted to have HER account in his name.
I only found this out when I got a letter in the mail asking for my signature.
He is a leech. He prays off people and then leaves their lives.
Also. It's not a matter of him picking her up at my house.
As stated; he NEVER arrives on time. both picking up and dropping off.
IF I were to visit him if he had her, I would have to go by HIS schedule also.
It all comes down to respect. He has none.
So your advice is null and void. sorry.
I do not wish him in my home. he can not be trusted. Thanks for your 'kind' words :)
Since he's tried to steal from mom, I wouldn't even let her be alone with him, frankly. Who knows what nefarious things he could be up to. If she still has a checking account, for instance, he could drive her to the bank and clean it out.
Anyone who would steal from a parent is the lowest of the lowest. Had I understood that, my initial reply would have been much different.
Sorry I didn't articulate more on the situation. Hard times.
(This is the wife writing now)
My husband is the most generous and PATIENT man ever.
If she yells at him, he turns it around to positive.
Last night he took her out to a celebration in town. Fireworks and DANCING!
She danced all night. She forgot about everything. (in a good way ;)
Hubby has tried to make peace with brother. but brother turns it around.
His mother (as most write) will get mad at him and want to move out.
Every caregiver on here with a parent has gone through this I am sure.
The caregiver is the 'bad guy'
His mom comes and goes re: yelling to niceness
But he is still patient.
He see's a specialist soon. Hopefully that will help her.
Thanks for your input. I / WE really appreciate it :)
Mom died last year. She was 88 years old. I spent lots of time with her,overseeing her life, in the last three years of her life. She lived with us during her last year. I often lamented to myself that my burden would have been lessened had I not been an only child. This site has made it quite clear to me that my being an only may have been my blessing.
I wish you and your husband all good things as you generously share your lives with his mom. I know it has its challenges. But we often earn angel wings that way.
I love this site. interesting reads. and to know we are all NOT alone :)
My 2 sibs both died not long ago leaving me me with the whole enchilada. But I gotta be honest, from everthing I read on here about the sib battles I may be better off. Had my brother and sister not died I would be right in the soup with you guys. That sounds terrible, but it's quite true. Without getting into their long, sad stories I would be dealing with their train wreck lives as well as dealing with the folks.
So this is hubby's brother who is the jerk? In dealing with my sibs I always tried a diplomatic sit down to resolve issues. Usually didn't work. Maybe try again, no luck, then I finally just end stepped back from it all and let em sink or swim. They sank. You may be bEyond any diplomacy with this guy, I don't know. You haven't mentioned POA or any legal standing. Sounds like mom is still with it enough to rule out guardianship, but do some reading on this site. Tons of good stuff here. Stay in touch.
Hubby posed first. Then wife.
It's hubby's wonderful MOM we are talking about.
Amazing that you are taking care of your Dad. Bravo I say! :)
I take care of my Dad also. He does dialysis. and I love him.
My sister is too far away for that.
Back to our Mom.
We tried / Hubby tried to make a menzzzz with idiot brother.
As it is about his MOM. NOT about hubby.
His brother was just awful and nuts and pretty much crazy.
Hubby gave up. then brother turned out nice again. now he is back to crazy.
He switches hubby's words around. it makes no sense.
Hubby tells him just give us a date/time when you want to see her, and brother always says he doesn't know or he'll let him know when he is there bla bla bla
Last time he didn't even tell us he would be late. we are waiting and waiting.
Hubby's Mom getting impatient and irritable. I wanted to leave after 20 min. , but hubby waiting 40 min.
First time/other time Hubby was away and we had a caregiver taking care of her, and they waited 2 HOURS for his brother His brother never called or texted or anything. Then it turned out he was staying at the CASINO and lost track of time. (we found this out later in a lie, he never told us)
We just want what's best for MOM. period.
We put up with his baloney and now we put an end to it.
There is enough drama with Mom we don't need someone who is supposed to support her giving us heartache.
Mom is NOT with it. She will have an argument and forget it happened the next day. She will lose her purse 100's of times, yet she is holding it. She left her husband due to emotional abuse. SHE wanted to move in with Hubby. She wanted out. so Hubby took her in from another state. Then she gets to our home and didn't want to be there. The caregiver (hubby) is the bad-guy. She wanted to move in with other brother, but other brother cant make a decision on which pair of socks to wear THAT day. So he is not a contender.
Now Mom is happy. She danced last night. She eats healthier. She is loved. She loves to watch horror movies and go to the Seniors Club in town. She loves life but at times this disease of dementia makes her into a monster. And it's sad. But we try to help, to understand, to love and to give/get the best care possible.
I feel for YOU and your dad's dementia. It's such a cruel thing. One day or minute nice the next awful hatred. I think this happens when they forget things and are determined to tell you what is right or what they did etc
His mom, when she is angry, we go back into her life and talk about Sinatra or the cool things she did. Movies are our hero. She loves them and again, loves to be scared.
I wish you well with your Dad. Have you gotten a professional assessment?
We took Mom to a regular doctor (new one for her) and they set us up with a specialist. That only happens beginning of November. SIGH. Due to her insurance etc, but we are calling them on Monday to see how much it would cost and will pay it. She needs to be looked at ASAP.
God bless you Windyridge and thank goodness for THIS SITE! :)
Who, if anyone has POA or guardianship? Is Mom incompetent? She will still jump in the car with the evil brother? If you are primary care givers, she lives with you can you tell brother to get lost, don't come around, I'll kick your ass? Just grasping here........or are you trying to maintain some sort of relationship with brother? If so, you may have to decide what is more important. Good care for mom without meddlesome brother or putting up with his horse sh...t. in order to have a relationship with him.
The legal questions are important here. POA? Who?
Just re read your last post. Why do you even put up with brothers missed visits, 4 hours late etc? Either tell him to f...... off or he can visit, but you may or may not be there. Don't sit around waiting. Take Mom dancing!
Brother: long story of abusing his brother. brother helping it out. brother MIA.
Brother just had interest in his mom. Why you ask? he wants access to her LITTLE money.
I told hubby to cut brother off from speaking to her or contacting hubby.
At first he was trying to let brother see/talk to mom., but after the last time he came NO WAY.
He wanted to come in September. He told us a weekend. each time we ask when/time etc he says he will call him once he gets there. He never gives any info at all.
I was livid. Last time he was to bring her back he was 4 hours late. so we called the Police. Police followed us to coffee shop. Brother was late again. We got Mom finally. Police says 'she has FREE WILL' and was not harmed. Said to get Lawyer for full custody.
Brother than was nice again. Then a month later (now) he is at it again.
He states my hubby needs to get his head checked re: our rules and picking her up ON TIME.
WOW. If that rule makes his brother livid, then I can only imagine what other small thing will set him off?
His brother cant be trusted.
Hubby is on the road working.
So today his brother emails him and says he is getting a lawyer and wants to put her away somewhere. Nice.
Hubby is working on filing the papers to have full custody etc...
Brother went ballistic on him. Said he shouldn't have to go by hubby's schedule to see his own Mom :(
But thing is; it's MOM that has the schedule.
-She goes to a Seniors place 3 times a week
-In bed by 9pm
-Cant have phone calls past 7pm as she forgets stuff and when she speaks with his brother on the phone, the bro lies to her and says he is coming to get her. She gets so upset (she wants to go she says) that she doesn't get to bed at the proper time.
This is so nuts.
As it is, reading through, it sounds as if brother plays games and husband (hereafter DH) can't help himself getting sucked in.
How did your BIL get to be such a moron? What's his background?
Here's the rub, the reason why you can't just tell him to do one and prevent further interference, even if you get guardianship (guardianship, by the way, not ownership - your MIL is nobody's property): your MIL has every right to contact with her son. It's not about his right to turn up when the fancy takes him and behave like a cretin; it's about her rights, which you're responsible for supporting. You have no right to prevent his calling or visiting her. The fact that he does these things in an incredibly stupid way and causes her needless distress and you extreme worry and inconvenience, alas, doesn't make any difference to the principle. On the other hand, you do have a duty to protect her, too; and the only way to do that is somehow to get idiot brother (hereafter IB) to consider his mother's wellbeing.
Which brings me back to asking about possible reasons for IB behaving like this that you know of? Where could you possibly start to work on him?
The brother sounds like trouble and all that energy devoted to protecting mom from him is a waste. Pull out old photos and talk to mom about the good old days. That would have to do. She is not able to understand the big picture. She must be protected.
Once guardianship is established by the courts, guardian can prevent the harassment by brother. Attorney may need to do cease and desist letter.
We found a great place. and did you know that most places that are super expensive HAVE to list some beds as 'geared to income"? well we found one.
And got Lawyer. from now on Brother must listen to the facility and do as they say. He DID take her out and was almost 45 min late. Nurse said they were just about to call the Police.
He still doesn't let them know when he's coming. he drives a 4-5 hour drive and just shows up. Nurse said that he can't do that and driving all that time, they have to assess her first to see if her frame of mind is good for outings.
He also calls. she likes that. but Nurse said each time she speaks with him she gets upset. Nurse said he puts ideas in her head like "you will die there".....amazing huh?
So now hubby goes to visit 2 times a week. but he has to see Nurse first in secret to make sure her frame of mind is okay.
It is very sad as this was a woman who loved to go out and socialize. She feels limited there as most patients are not as out-going.
We did take her out to go dancing. she loved it :)
So to all out there thinking the end.. there is a rainbow. just takes time.
NO ONE should have to go through this terrible disease. it's just so sad.
Poor thing. retires and you want your end-years to be glorious and then dementia hits you like a hammer.
We can only have patience and love, as what she is now wasn't what she was before. She doesn't know what's happening and we can only be there for her. to listen and support. :)