My mother is 76 yrs old. My father passed from cancer 25 years ago. She remarried once for five years but they divorced. Couldn’t get along. Growing up, my parents were the corporal punishment, very strict, penny pinching type. My mother has had fits of rage and emotional manipulative ways all her life. I have never felt loved and always criticized for every move I have made. My father was the calm, cool, friendly to everyone, loving one. He worked very hard at his job and my mom stayed at home torturing myself and my brother. I couldn’t wait to get away from my mother and married at 19 while in college, went on to be married and divorced 5 times. Long story made short, I excelled at my career, but never at relationships. I gave all of myself to make others happy, then reacted negatively when expectations didn’t meet reality at home. I thought I just had a bad picker, but it was more than that. Anyone that loved me, I desperately clung to them, not even thinking that I had a choice and had worth. My brother has also had problems with her but to me, a daughter’s view, my plight has been worse. RE: my kids are crappy-his son is God given and wonderful, etc.
Fast forward to today, my mom fell twice back in May. The last time broke her ankle, had surgery, rehab, then home. She was and is a total nightmare. Called the rehab nurse the “N” word, complained nonstop, wouldn’t try to be mobile, though she couldn’t put weight on her ankle for six week. She wore diapers so as not to have to get up and use the toilet.
My brother had it out with her during rehab, so did I but I was left totally caregiving her once she came home. She insisted on coming home before she was ready and didn’t care about any arrangements that I had to make. I am 54, disabled, divorced, and live an hour and a half away. I had 7 spine surgeries 8 years ago, still plagued with chronic pain, arthritis, and bad knees and other issues. My brother is 50 and He and my SIL live 5 mins away from mom. My SIL has stuck by brother and not lifted a finger to help. To her case, her father had died 2yrs ago and she had been through the ringer with him being abusive. He was in AL and was 91. Her mother had passed 10 yrs ago quick from cancer. So I don’t blame either one of them.
Since June I have practically lived with mom while traveling back home for my pets and my house overnight here and there. Now, Mom insists that I come back and stay two nights a week. Her ankle is fine. It’s like she is scared to go back to her life and says she is weak and needs help. She refuses to get anyone else to help out even though she can afford any and all she could ever want. She would rather have me to complain to and be crazy with so no one else knows how she really is. She has some beginning signs of dementia but will deny anything is wrong with her mind. While I am there, she watches everything I do, tries to tell me what to do, sideseat drives, and is soooo frustrating to be around. I just don’t like the person she is, have never. I am so tired and so emotionally spent too. I have wished she would pass in her sleep too. I joke about bumping her off (I would never) but it feels good to vent. I took her to her doctor for checkup last week, and she wouldn’t allow me to go back with her, so that I would not mention her mental decline or her anxiety. She says she has no problems as long as everybody leaves her alone. I have heard “honor thy father and mother” so many times, I could puke. She even tried to put my name on one of her insurance policies solely if I would continue to help her. I said no. I would help cause I wanted to help. But to be extorted, no thanks. There’s enough guilt already. She is like a toddler, having crying jags about my brother’s withdrawal from her care. When I am home, I don’t want to do anything and I have sold my house to move 20 mins away from her. Just waiting on buyers to sell their house. I need to be packing. Sigh!
Why don't you leave her to her own devices? Let her figure out her situation.
She has no standing, legal or moral to demand that you do anything.
Say "no,mom, I can't possibly do that. You need to hire help".
Can you do that?
Gee Mom, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Gee Mom, that just doesn't work for me.
Gee Mom, how do YOU plan to handle that situation?
Gee Mom, I'll be moving to EUROPE next month.........
Learn to use the phrases that let you off the hook. The Europe one is just for chits & giggles, unless you want to make it so.
Best of luck!
Just my 2 cents:(
Mum will continue to refuse help from others as you continue to provide it. Stop providing help.
Go home to your house and pets, your job and your life. You do not owe this woman a single thing.
If she calls to complain, block her calls.
Get on with your life, she has lived hers and is now bearing the consequences of her actions.
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Please don't do this to yourself. Your mother will get care without you. Likely she will have to treat her caregivers with at least some modicum of respect.
I think that, in all truth, your brother and SIL have taken the wisest course of action. It is thankless, any participation in the life of a person such as you describe your mother to be.
You have wonderful advice below. I hope you will take it. I am so sorry for any angst it causes you. Remember, your mother has raised you to question your own worth and your own abilities. So you will suffer. But you will not suffer to the degree you will suffer if you allow her to punish you further. Hugs to you. Please be safe and well.
Let her shift for herself. Your brother is right; boundaries! There is a book by that name by Townsend and Cloud. You would benefit from reading it.
It's the SANE folks who need to go to therapy to stop the cycle of abuse.
Stop expecting her behavior to change.
Some people are set in their ways and as they get older it only becomes worse, not better. There is no negotiating. There is no reasoning. Adult children are often trampled on for making suggestions. Children are not failing parents if they don’t do everything a parent desires.
Please know that you are not selfish for not sacrificing your life for hers.
There are many wise people on this forum that are happy to help. Continue to reach out with your concerns.
I was you not long ago. I had tons of questions about my mom. I wanted out desperately. I burned out. I am no longer her caregiver.
It wasn’t a happy ending for me.
I wish you well. Take care.
and be her slave and take her abuse. You deserve so much more. Perhaps see a counselor and get some help in distancing yourself from her. Set healthy boundaries and stand firm on them.
She is like a narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde. You never know which one you will get. But she is always oblivious to anyone’s feelings except her own.
How are you doing? Have you heard back from your brother about how it’s going with your mom? From the way it sounded, he didn’t seem like he would last very long once he actually had her. Sometimes people surprise you. Your mom might be the perfect visitor for while.
Hugs, mbradley35
News flash!!! My SIL knew I hadn’t been to moms last week while they were out of town. Today, she tells me that she took Mom grocery shopping and over to my nephews place yesterday. Just out of the blue. It’s weird. The whole time, I was working my fanny off over there, practically living with mom, they wouldn’t come around. Now that I have went AWOL, they are over there doing stuff. I am so happy for my freedom but don’t understand it. Oh well, I will let them have fun with her for awhile. She mostly acts pretty good with them when they are helping her. She doesn’t complain as much. But when they were not helping, she chewed them out every time they called. Lolol. She is so weird! I guess they extended their boundaries to include spending time over there again. Hahaha.
You don't have to give her one moment of your time. She has told you where she stands and how she sees you, believe her.
She has the money to hire help so there are no excuses for you to be subjected to her abuse. For her to demand that you can care for her is her narsisistic wish. You are not her fairy godmother, you don't grant wishes. Say no unless you want to help.
I personally don't believe that keeping ourselves safe and away from abusive people is a reflection on our goodness. It shows that we are well balanced and know that we do not ever have to accept abuse from anyone. We can love people and not be subjected to their venom and hateful behavior.
Believe me, when she needs, really needs assistance she will hire someone, but only if you don't let her manipulate you into being her personal scratching post.
(I laughed when I read her message to you. My thought was, well then stop acting like one.)
Hugs! It is such a difficult situation to be in.
She said that that my brother and wife had been talking bad about me the whole time that I have been at home. Which is BS, they say that she has dogged me the whole time. I kept it together and just was honest with her about my lack of willingness to come back and stay again. I asked what she was gonna do, since she was fine at her drs appt 2 weeks ago. She said she didn’t know just lay there and die. I said okay.
My my brother went over to her house later this evening and he said she did look terrible but came out to the kitchen in her wheelchair. She ate a fajita that they brought her (after throwing up all day) and she was just nasty evil to them. Same playbook. When you stump her with something that goes against whatever she is spewing she just changes the subject. She told them that I had blown her out on the phone before they got there and that my brother was blowing her out again. (My warped sense of humor makes me chuckle at this). Anyways, brother said she just complained the whole 20 mins they were there about all three of us and the grandchildren.
I wished I had just called 911 and had them pick her up and check her out anyways. We both hate to cause any undue drama or stress, but we don’t know what else to do. We don’t really want her to be sick or hurt herself. Oh yeah, she said she had fallen in the kitchen last Thursday and my uncle had dropped by with a plate from Senior Citizens. But she says she didn’t hurt herself. We can’t figure out how she fell out of her wheelchair? She is back to using it 100% of the time. Says she gets dizzy walking.
It it seems that we are just waiting on the next thing to happen to her. She is still saying it is our responsibility to take care her now. We keep saying that she needs to hire at home help if she wants to keep staying at home. She has a list on why that won’t work either. As Dr. Phil says “ she has a case of the ‘yeah buts’ “. You can’t fix her or help really.
She is back to using a wheelchair when she has an audience. Don't buy into that lie.
It is great that you are staying in contact with your brother and SIL. This will keep you guys from being mad at one another because of her lies and trouble making efforts. (I wish my brother would see that our dad does this hateful business)
Good for you for saying no. Stick to your guns and tell her that you will be calling 911 when she calls you with issues that require assistance. That should keep her busy figuring out how to get around that for a few days at least.
I have to agree that it is funny how far fetched and low a narc will go to get their own way.
Thanks for the update, well done!
I ended up hanging up on her this morning after the 3rd call. I can’t take her nastiness. Her personality has always been pessimistic and controlling. The next chapter in her playbook, will be crying and begging me to come. She says she can’t walk or get around without fear of falling and she can’t drive, but two weeks ago she called me about her online renewal of her driving license hadn’t come in yet and she needed them.
She was tearing into my brother and SIL too even though they had cleaned her house the last 2 weeks and took her food. It’s like we are required to be her servants and she directs you everything to go do while you are there. If we don’t do as she wants, then we go back to being dog mess again.
This site with all you wonderful people has been a lifesaver to me for my soul to be a little easier. I continue to have loads of anxiety even though I feel validated.
Thanks again.
Your mom sounds like a holy terror. Narcissistic and manipulative to the nth degree. She will continue to pit you guys against each other so she can get her own way. How is she mentally, is she able to care for herself or does she need assistance with her daily living? Next visit for a fall or to the er (which could be sped up if called during one of her poor me, I'm SOO sick, but not really episodes) may be a time to consult with a social worker that mom can not stay home alone and for families peace of mind and wellbeing none of you can give her the care she seems to need. This is very important due to the fact she is a fall risk and you are concerned for her safety. Let mom argue that one. She may not like being placed at first but for your mental wellbeing and your brother's family too, taking hands on care of her is not a good idea. All the extra stress will negatively effect your health. Ulcers, heart issues, depression, headaches, etc. Not fair to you or your family. She's mean enough to outlive all of you. Easy to say wash your hands of her direct care but you, brother and by extension his wife all need to be on the same page and have plans ready to implement. Im not saying not to visit mom or chat but at least if in a facility you can walk away if it gets to be too much and take a cool down period for all of you. I'll be back to visit when you're in a better mood mom, I can tell this is not a good time for you right now. Good luck to you and keep us posted on how things are going.
An update: mom now told my SIL that she has someone staying with her 3 days a week. Plus, she has ordered the push button necklace in case she falls. Those are the good things. Haha. The other stuff she said was all horrible and still trying to piss everyone off by making up crazy stuff to tell one another about each other in the family. That I had made her sign some paper about her accounts that now she wasn’t getting mailed statements. Luckily I had told my brother about this when it happened. She asked me to fill out a form from Fidelity that added myself as a secondary contact and I could check on anything about her IRA. I could not change anything or do anything with the money, which I would never do anyways. I did not even bring home a copy or her account number and I told brother as such. He is a joint owner on her bank accounts and has been a long time. I trust him as well. Mom told SIL in hopes of making them mad at me. Lolol. I told SIL that a copy of what I sent in was at Moms in a plastic tub where she keeps important papers.
The nerve of my own mother. Even though it’s comical now, of course it still bothers me. My insecurity. I am glad that my mom and I aren’t speaking right now. I don’t think my brother and SIL are really communicating. This all took place during a call my SIL made out of guilt just to be sure Mom was doing okay. Like you said, she is mean enough to live past us.
My life has been traumatic and dramatic so much I am just so tired.