I don't want to be a caregiver to my mother (moderate stage Dementia).
She cannot take care of herself, let alone my dog, the house, bills, etc. I do it because I want to take care of my dog, that I gave to my dad as a companion years ago while he was taking care of my mother and her slipping, mental condition. He passed away this July, and there's no one else to take care of her...so I am....
She won't move anywhere.
She doesn't want strangers in the house.
She doesn't go anywhere - got into a car accident ~10 yrs ago, so my dad wouldn't let her drive after that. She refuses to take the Call A Ride bus that services elderly to go places.
She goes to bed around 1am and gets up around 1pm.
When she's awake, she's mostly selfish, mean, narcissistic.
She sundowns badly. I am immune to any of my own feelings of grief, when she asks who her husband was, did he die, if he was my father, etc.
She won't go shopping, doesn't cook, doesn't know how to use a microwave etc.
I'm lost. I don't want to give up my life to take care of her. There are beautiful ALFs in my area, and she won't even go INSIDE when I take her.
Is this truly a life sentence? Has anyone successfully gotten out of it? The longer it goes on, the more people think I'm going to do it forever, when the truth is I didn't know where to begin when I started doing it, arranged my life around it thinking it could work itself out, and it isn't. People assume I'm going to do this forever and I'd sooner not live at all than live doing this.
It sounds like your mother cannot live alone. I don't know if she needs 24/7 supervision at this point but with dementia that usually happens sooner or later. If that is what she has to have and she is no longer able to make rational decisions herself, then that is what will have to be arranged for her whether she likes it or not.
You got into this for the sake of the dog. Can you simply take the dog to live with you?
Would your mother's doctor specify that she needs care and that she is not competent to make decisions herself?
If your mother has been narcissistic your whole life I can understand why you don't want to take care of her and why this feels like a life sentence. I can also understand (through other posts I've read) that you have been indoctrinated to think you are responsible for her. There are many posts here about narcissistic parents. You might find hope and strength from reading some.
Again, this is only a life sentence if you allow it to be. One way or another there are ways to disassociate yourself from responsibility for her day-to-day care. First, would her doctor consider her incompetent? From there people can give you specific suggestions about how to proceed.
As long as you are helping her, she won't need to change. You'll have to decide how much you can do, then bring in a social worker to help you figure out how to best meet your mother's needs. Your idea of AL sounds like the best one to me. Your mother probably feels she doesn't need it, since she already has AL with you as the assistant.
Please let us know how it goes. It does sound like you need to set her up in a place and reclaim your life. Chances are good that after she has been in AL for a while, your mother could actually enjoy it.
Don't ever feel guilty if you cannot do it any longer. I have that feeling daily. But if it weren't for the people of Hospice here with me, I would have given up a long time ago. Good luck and God Bless.