My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).
I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.
I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?
Please help.
Here's what you wrote, "Here's another scenario.....how do you handle possibly losing your significant other because mom is lonely and wants you to spend every night at home with her? Dad died 5 years ago and I moved in to help my 87 year old mom whom has had a couple strokes. I feel that I'm replacing my dad. My mom and long-time girlfriend get along great - but girlfriend gets lonely too and wants me to spend time alone with her as well. I feel pulled in both directions. My siblings don't help. I've given up my life for my mother and am tired of having to answer every move I make and every phone call I receive. "
So are you the girlfriend or the guy? Or are you a troll?
And you wrote the exact same question that you started this thread for (almost word for word - cut and paste?) a year ago. So you've written twice as the girlfriend and once as the boyfriend. What's going on????? Who are you?
theres more to life than a third mortgage and an ocean cruise . ( imo )
Here's the link to the post Kandy1234 posted in April of 2013, as a woman:
"How do I handle mother/son caregiving relationship?", at
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-son-caregiving-relationship-157046.htm
If this was a legitimate post last year, it seems as though the same problems exists and Kandy is still asking the same question.
Perhaps Kandy can just refer to the answers posted last year and posters here can just move on to a question which hasn't already been asked and answered.
Or maybe Kandy's posting about her BF and her BF is posting about her and neither realizes it??
Or perhaps this is just a troll fishing for sympathy? I agree with Ashlynne and Blannie.
You want his mother to let go and be gone. Hiring a hit man is one way to go. The other is to get BF a pair of big boy pants and have him set boundaries with mommy. Hire a sitter for times when you want to go out. Only you can sort it out between you. Whining on here is going to achieve diddly squat.
Is this man English or American? English ones are incredibly bad - monumentally, criminally bad - at telling the truth if they think it might be rude. As in, for example, telling the girl that you thought might be the perfect woman that, actually, on closer inspection, no she's not.
I think you should probably take a nice new friendship from this, continue to go to the pub with him, be pleasant to his mother if you see her, and enjoy what time together is convenient to all concerned. Forget the romantic angle with him and find someone who needs more urgently to spend his life with you.
And for goodness' sake don't blame his mother. No man in this country is obliged to spend more time with his mother than he wants to - you can't stir a step without seeing conveniently placed care homes round every corner, Social Services will send a carer to his home if he wants to go out of an evening, the possibilities are endless. If he's not making space for you, then I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't know how to tell you.
Or that's what it looks like from that angle. I'm sorry, but to look on the bright side there's no shortage of lonely people round here, is there? Write it off with no hard feelings and you'll be fine.
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