My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).
I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.
I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?
Please help.
How long since he moved back into her house? (I assume it's her house?)
Is he working?
Broke my grandmother's heart. I don't think she was ever the same again.
The original poster may be a troll, but the example she gives happens. If anyone i reading this, don't be my Grandmother. Get out of the relationship and go find someone else if he won't "marry" you because of Dear Old Mom. Life is too short!
You're being a good friend to this man, and that is good karma for you; I'm sorry if it isn't going to turn out how you would like. But I am glad that you're alert to the possibility of being used - in your place I would be on my guard there, certainly.
Could you say a little more about what his set-up is? It could be that he does need help getting his mother's care sorted out and doesn't know where to start. I'm still sceptical, but then again - even leaving the relationship to one side - helping is what friends are for, isn't it.
If this is something he feels he has to do and you just have to understand, then maybe it is not working for you any longer. I do agree with a lot of people here that long term relationships without commitment are just stalling mechanisms. He is comfortable. I have seen it over and over.
Don't talk to mom, talk to him. And you have to ask yourself what is going to be left once she passes. Can you go back to being they way you we
Is this man English or American? English ones are incredibly bad - monumentally, criminally bad - at telling the truth if they think it might be rude. As in, for example, telling the girl that you thought might be the perfect woman that, actually, on closer inspection, no she's not.
I think you should probably take a nice new friendship from this, continue to go to the pub with him, be pleasant to his mother if you see her, and enjoy what time together is convenient to all concerned. Forget the romantic angle with him and find someone who needs more urgently to spend his life with you.
And for goodness' sake don't blame his mother. No man in this country is obliged to spend more time with his mother than he wants to - you can't stir a step without seeing conveniently placed care homes round every corner, Social Services will send a carer to his home if he wants to go out of an evening, the possibilities are endless. If he's not making space for you, then I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't know how to tell you.
Or that's what it looks like from that angle. I'm sorry, but to look on the bright side there's no shortage of lonely people round here, is there? Write it off with no hard feelings and you'll be fine.
Let me put it, this way, and I hope this will make what I'm trying to get at, clearer:
We have a variety of people in our lives. It's not easy to balance them and we do sometimes give short shrift to people who truly are important. If he and she aren't creating a balance, that doesn't make it your fault. Unfortunately, it doesn't make it hurt any less, either.
Anyway, I guess I'll stop before I dig my hole deeper, here, but I'm really trying to be supportive and understanding to you in my own clumsy way.
Until people learn how to be alone and enjoy their own company they are needy folks and often settle for unhealthy relationships so as not to be alone. From personal experience, until you face your loneliness and develop a rewarding independent life that does not center on being in a relationship you set yourself up for attracting unhealthy relationships. I had to learn to have my life center around me, not another person. If that person could not enhance my life than they cannot be a part of it. Also patience is needed to wait for the right one to come along. That is also another reason you need to, " get a life , " because the right person for you isn't going to appear overnight.
To comment on what Captain just said, I agree with him. I do think there's a double standard for men and women caretakers. I do think people sometimes are just too nicey-nicey to me about what a "wonderful thing you're doing for your mom" that I don't know that I've heard people say to men.
One thing I'd like to comment on that Kathy1234 said, though, was that she does love her boyfriend's mother and gets along with her. I'm not convinced the mother is necessarily trying to drive Kathy1234 away. With my own mom, she sometimes reacts out of fear. My mom is not afraid to be alone but a lot of older people are. I don't mean that I think that Kathy1234 should take the boyfriend's mom along or do things at the boyfriend and Mom's house (like a meal together), but I'm running across other caretakers that are telling me that their parent is just afraid of being alone and of meeting new people. It's not something they do on purpose, but it's still a problem.
With my own Mom, I make a huge deal about doing things just with her. My husband makes a huge deal about doing things just him and her. We make a big deal about doing things together. We make a big deal about how husband and I will have time alone. We make a big deal about how we all need our private time. Mom's memory isn't great so we'll say things like, "We had a great time went we went out the three of us, yesterday, can't wait to do it, again, and we'll be thinking of you when we have our husband/wife alone time at the concert, tonight." Sometimes, we invite her to things we know she won't like, like loud concerts. I realize it's harder for you, Kathy1234, because you're not always there where it's easy to do this and maybe you feel a little like an intruder, there, not sure.
Now, I don't know this woman so this is just a suggestion, not saying it will work, but consider this and maybe adjust it to her personality, but if you called her before he comes out to pick you up or meet you and chat with her a bit to make sure she's doing okay for the night, tell her how you want to make sure she's all set before you have your night out, something of that sort, do you think it would help? I realize it's an extra bit of time on your part, but it's just a suggestion. And, maybe calling the next day to say you'd wanted to make sure she'd been okay while you were both out the evening/day before and just wanted to check.
Meanwhile, one more suggestion: find a person who could stay with her but maybe could be a friend, sort of. If you could find someone who your boyfriend could meet and feel comfortable with as a paid caregiver, then maybe have all over you over (he'd be there, you'd come over, outside caregiver come over) and do something fun with Mom, introducing her as a friend, do you think she'd buy it? I realize money might be tight, but if you could do this once in awhile to establish the person as a friend, maybe she could even do this when you want to go away for a weekend.
It sounds like his mom feels very insecure on her own, and yes, is probably on the selfish side. That being said, the choices are to give in to her, or to accept that she will feel that way but do what you need to do anyway. Her reactions are not your responsibility, they are hers. If it's possible to have someone else stay with her while he's away, that might help. If he's going to keep taking care of her, he needs to take care of himself, too, so he doesn't burn out.
Btw, I don't mean that your b/f's mother is a child or should be spoken to as if she were. Talk to her as you would to any intelligent, consenting adult and encourage your b/f to do the same. Best of luck!
1. How has the situation changed, if at all, since you posted in April, 2013?
2. What have you tried to change it or adapt a different approach? How have those techniques worked or not worked?
If you ask the same question 14 months later, I expect that you've made efforts to change your attitude and approach - otherwise, what's the point in raising the issue again?
You want his mother to let go and be gone. Hiring a hit man is one way to go. The other is to get BF a pair of big boy pants and have him set boundaries with mommy. Hire a sitter for times when you want to go out. Only you can sort it out between you. Whining on here is going to achieve diddly squat.
My BF does come stay with me once during the week and I go to his place on weekends and we all get along wonderful when we are together. I'd do anything for her and vice versa. It is just difficult for me to have to inform her of every move we make and when we're coming home and why we won't be home until later. We have a life too and that is what she forgets.
Thanks for your ear and you're not being critical at all. It's hard to explain our relationship through this forum for everyone to understand. Thanks for your time.
Why "she makes him so guilty when he does things with me," now - hmmmmmm. She makes him? Or he feels, even though she's doing nothing? What I'm getting at is: you're 87, you're not in great shape, you're getting a bit anxious, you are as a matter of plain fact wholly dependent on this lovely boy who has proved he does give a damn… and when he walks out the front door, you get the jitters. And maybe, too, you're going downhill a bit and he's not so happy as he was about leaving you on your own. So: his feeling more guilty about it isn't necessarily anything she's doing, is what I mean. It could just be a gradual shift in how confident either of them feels about her being on her own.
Kandy, not asking this critically, just to address it in practical terms: what would you like to happen? How would you like the schedule to run? I mean, for example, how would it be if you went over one night a week, cooked dinner for all three of you as a family, stayed over? - would that be possible, or H*ll on wheels? How about his getting a paid care-giver in to "mother-sit" in the evenings? What *practical* steps might help?