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Mom has a part time helper 6 days a week. She is on dialysis and confined to a wheelchair. She can still get around the house, she is very stubborn. She expects myself and my husband (we both work full time) to be the fill-in if her helper can't come in. She always tells me my brother who is absent from any caregiving has a full time job and it would be just too much to ask him to pitch in.

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No, it is not selfish of you nor is it your duty. Mom should plan ahead.
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I wanted to pretend I hadn't retired. Unfortunately, my job was somewhat public and my retirement party was announced in the newspaper. I cringed.
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Oh, dear. You are putting overly kind words on my situation. Most sane people would ask me why in the world I put up with what I do. And my only answer is a blank look, because I sure don't know. I think it is because my mother and I are such different people and I have the ability to keep a strong wall built around myself, no matter how much battering it takes.
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Yes I agree with You completely JessieBelle. What works for You and I may not work for Others. Personalities and attitude have so much to do with it too. You are a wonderful Daughter to Your dear Mother, as Caring for Your Mom for seven years is an incredible sacrifice on Your part, but know that Your dear Mom would not have Lived this long if it were not for Your excellent Care. You should be very proud of Yourself JessieBelle.
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Johnjoe, something I've noticed is that people think of things better after a parent has passed. You went through some very difficult years. Not everyone is able to do that. I've been here with my mother almost 7 years now, but I would never encourage anyone to do what I've done. It depends on the personalities and relationships of the people involved.
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Ronica when I Cared for My Mother for three years at home in Our own home believe Me it was no sacrifice or hardship on My part. I did it out of Love and respect and gratitude for all My Mother had done for Me, and this was My last chance to give some thing back to Mam. Mother passed away very suddenly but so peacefully while on Her first Restbite Care stay on June 21 passed. Mother had Alzheimer's and while Her organs were shutting down, Mothers brain was as sharp as it ever was. We made beautiful memories in the last three years of Mams Life. There was no sadness just pure joy. Give it a chance as it can be beautiful if You allow it to be. Finally and please do not think I'm trying to break Your Heart, but don't look too far ahead as two years is an awful long time for Your por Mother Who's on dialysis and has to use a wheel chair. Blessings and Hugs to You Ronica and Your dear Mother, from John Joe.
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Take it from me, do not retire with a parent to take care of. A serious health condition contributed to my early retirement but my mother didn't see that rationale, all she saw was that now I would be working for her for free! She has dominated and held me captive from my first day of retirement. I tell everyone that I have become a full time volunteer when they ask are you enjoying not working!
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You need to set boundaries as others have said.
Is it possible to get a caregiver in for 1 more day a week if she "needs" someone there?
If there is a problem with the cost would it be possible for her to cut the hours by 1 each day and have a caregiver 7 days? 1 hour short each day is not a lot but what you gain by having someone there another day of the week would give her what she wants or possibly needs. (doesn't matter if the "need" is real or psychological)

If it is that she wants YOU there explain that you would rather be a Daughter first and not a caregiver but if that is what she wants then discuss it like you would any "job". Get a contract, set your hours, your fee and what your job description will be. Also work in that you will want a vacation and that she will have to get someone to fill in during your vacation as well as when you are ill. On the day of the week that you are there you will be an "employee".
I think she will get the point and possibly agree that cutting the caregivers hours by 1 each day just might be a better option.
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My husband retired and did not tell his mother for a long, long time. I have a feeling that is more common than you think.
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CarlaCB, I'm going to remember that description of selfishness!

JessieBelle, love your words about the narcissism of elders when they try to bully their child and get angry when they don't get their way. And about the mentally healthy elders being willing to adapt and wanting to be around other their own age.
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The simple truth is that most elderly people live on their own now either independently or in assisted living. The family caregiver is a throwback to the old days. A parent who insists a child owes it to them to care for them is showing extreme self interest. Really, what sense does it make for a child to donate their life to someone so they won't have to adapt to growing older? I think that getting angry and bullying a child is simply narcissism coupled with the fear of change. I have a feeling that most mentally healthy adults would adapt to a new way of living. Most people do prefer to be around people their own age doing activities they enjoy. I don't think most people would prefer sitting in front of their TV all day, waiting for God.

If your mother is mentally healthy you will probably actually be doing her a favor to help her redirect her life in a way that she's not absolutely dependent on you. The dialysis does complicate things admittedly. Is her kidney failure a progressive thing? I know that many people with diabetes are in their final years when they go on dialysis. I don't know about your mother.
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Selfish is not doing what you want. Selfish is expecting other people to do what you want. Paraphrasing Oscar Wilde here, but I think it's apt.
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Nope, not selfish at all. Mom is selfish for expecting you and your husband to help and not her son...but that's neither here nor there. You have your retirement to look forward to... Did she take in her elderly mom? dad? In-laws?

Let go of the feeling that you must please your parents still...You're an adult, they are adults, you no longer need your parents approval, especially when they are being short sighted and condescending and expecting you to be their caregiver (unpaid I'm guessing). Good Luck.
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Thank you Churchmouse, for understanding.
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CTTN55, no I don't go to her house on Sundays except for a short visit unless I have other plans. I have made my feelings quite explicit regarding the need for more help. She has chosen not to have more stating "she likes to have her alone time". Her helper takes her on dialysis days. Not telling her when I retire, I am planning to be done in about two years would be impossible because I also plan on becoming a "snow bird".
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I can empathize, as my mother thinks my time and efforts on her behalf are worth nothing. My brothers do nothing and do no wrong. (Of course they are states away and I am local, but she defends the one who didn't come to visit for FIVE YEARS.) Thanks to the folks on this site, I have prepped myself to say NO when she will expect me to drive her here and there in a few weeks (actually, any day now when she gives her car to me).

Are you currently going to her house on Sundays? I'm asking because you wrote she has a part-time helper 6 days a week. What are you doing for her now? Who takes her for dialysis?

Here's an idea...just don't tell her that you have retired (once you do retire). I operate on a "need to know" basis with my mother, and it works very well.
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It is not selfish, no. You will need the money, so that when you enter your well-earned retirement you will not be doing so to have more time to run yourself ragged taking hands-on care of elders. You will be putting your feet up.

Your mother is fine. Rise above any natural irritation with her implied belief that boys have real jobs and girls don't: her believing it don't make it so. Look forward to spending social time with her. Do not plan to become her unpaid servant.
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I remember some time back when my Dad had asked me to retire from my career so I could drive him and Mom around to more places.... I looked at Dad and asked him if he gave up his long time career to take care of his parents or my Mom's parents.... I knew his answer would be "no", and he never asked me again.

It's was the old thinking that the daughter should give up work as she had a husband to take care of her compared to the son who has a family that depends on him. No different than back in the corporate world where the same line of thinking was alive and well.... [sigh]
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i have this same issue - and I'm about 15 years away from retirement. My mom talks about how when I retire, she can come and live with us. You probably are closer to retirement than I am. It sounds like you need to set boundaries. Do you have a hard time saying "no" to her, or if you do, do you give in when she works you over? Try to decide what you are willing to do now, and whether that includes fill-in helper or not. IF not - she needs to find coverage. When you retire - you are in control of what you are willing to do or not to do. It sounds like you need to think through that with your husband, and make sure your mom is aware that you are NOT going to take care of her - that she will still need part time coverage or more as she ages. Perhaps time for her to start looking for a continuing care facility - assisted living up to full nursing home care.

But do NOT - enslave yourself to her simply because you cannot say "no" when she gets mad. This site is full of stories of people who gradually got buffaloed into taking on more and more caregiving and then cannot get out of it.

Your mom is still able to make decisions - she is still able to make plans for herself. This is not your responsibility.
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