Mom has a part time helper 6 days a week. She is on dialysis and confined to a wheelchair. She can still get around the house, she is very stubborn. She expects myself and my husband (we both work full time) to be the fill-in if her helper can't come in. She always tells me my brother who is absent from any caregiving has a full time job and it would be just too much to ask him to pitch in.
Is it possible to get a caregiver in for 1 more day a week if she "needs" someone there?
If there is a problem with the cost would it be possible for her to cut the hours by 1 each day and have a caregiver 7 days? 1 hour short each day is not a lot but what you gain by having someone there another day of the week would give her what she wants or possibly needs. (doesn't matter if the "need" is real or psychological)
If it is that she wants YOU there explain that you would rather be a Daughter first and not a caregiver but if that is what she wants then discuss it like you would any "job". Get a contract, set your hours, your fee and what your job description will be. Also work in that you will want a vacation and that she will have to get someone to fill in during your vacation as well as when you are ill. On the day of the week that you are there you will be an "employee".
I think she will get the point and possibly agree that cutting the caregivers hours by 1 each day just might be a better option.
JessieBelle, love your words about the narcissism of elders when they try to bully their child and get angry when they don't get their way. And about the mentally healthy elders being willing to adapt and wanting to be around other their own age.
If your mother is mentally healthy you will probably actually be doing her a favor to help her redirect her life in a way that she's not absolutely dependent on you. The dialysis does complicate things admittedly. Is her kidney failure a progressive thing? I know that many people with diabetes are in their final years when they go on dialysis. I don't know about your mother.
Let go of the feeling that you must please your parents still...You're an adult, they are adults, you no longer need your parents approval, especially when they are being short sighted and condescending and expecting you to be their caregiver (unpaid I'm guessing). Good Luck.
Are you currently going to her house on Sundays? I'm asking because you wrote she has a part-time helper 6 days a week. What are you doing for her now? Who takes her for dialysis?
Here's an idea...just don't tell her that you have retired (once you do retire). I operate on a "need to know" basis with my mother, and it works very well.
Your mother is fine. Rise above any natural irritation with her implied belief that boys have real jobs and girls don't: her believing it don't make it so. Look forward to spending social time with her. Do not plan to become her unpaid servant.
It's was the old thinking that the daughter should give up work as she had a husband to take care of her compared to the son who has a family that depends on him. No different than back in the corporate world where the same line of thinking was alive and well.... [sigh]
But do NOT - enslave yourself to her simply because you cannot say "no" when she gets mad. This site is full of stories of people who gradually got buffaloed into taking on more and more caregiving and then cannot get out of it.
Your mom is still able to make decisions - she is still able to make plans for herself. This is not your responsibility.