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Having a sister who lives in Florida, who only had visited once in 5 years and never helps with anything if it involves getting her hands dirty, constantly argues with me to be involved with the finances. Being I live here and have been mothers only caretaker for 11 years, I am the POA . Obviously my sister does not trust me, so I need to make sure I do everything by the book. Being mother is still alive, where do I start.How do I make sure I do things legal? Its never ending and the sad emotional side of things has worn me down and my sisters mean accusations has left me angry.

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See an elder law attorney and bring your POA documents with you. It spells out exactly what you can and can't do.

This is a very difficult road to travel and please know we are all here for you. There is literally NOTHING the people on this site haven't dealt with.
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Document, document, document. Document everything, every little penny spent. Most elders still deal with a checkbook. Make sure that you record every check spent and document in the checkbook what the check was for. If you're paying a $100 electric bill document that you paid the electric bill and then file the corresponding bill stub with the date it was paid and the check number. And keep the checkbook balanced at all times.

Get organized, that's the best thing you can do. Keep receipts. If you buy groceries keep the receipt in a file marked "grocery receipts". Make sure you can correspond the receipt to an entry in the checkbook register.

When I was POA for my dad I kept everything handy where I could get to his files at all times. I bought a cute little picnic basket that would fit file folders and kept it on the counter in the kitchen. It didn't look like a pile of papers or a filing cabinet and I had easy access to it.
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You write that you already have a POA - is that a Durable Power of Attorney? (People use the term "POA" to sometimes mean that or a Living Will, a type of power for decision making but for medical decisions)

You do need a Durable Power of Attorney; if your mother has already created one, read it carefully to make sure it includes authorization to dispose of assets. It it's an online form that was downloaded, as some people use, make sure those provisions are included. They're not tailored specifically to situations as are those prepared by qualified estate planning attorneys.

The 706 form is an IRS reporting form, similar in purpose to the 1040s that individual or married taxpayers use. But the 706 is for estates and is filed after death.

To sell the car, check with the state agency that handles motor vehicle transfers to see what they require. They may have forms of their own.

For sale of the house, the title company handing the sale would be the entity to review and determine if there's adequate authority granted to handle the sale on behalf of your mother. When you list the house, raise this issue with the realtor. They typically have title companies to which they refer sales for handling and probably could get a preliminary opinion on whether the POA provides sufficient authority for you to sign on behalf of your mother.

Are these actions in fact what your mother wants? What plans do you have to manage the fund from these sales?

Given that there's friction with your sister, it wouldn't hurt to meet with an elder law attorney to discuss your plans and provide reinforcement as well as guidance in the event you sister challenges your actions.
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Thinking about this situation...are you selling to use the proceeds for your mother's care?
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Thank you everyone for your advice. It all helps. There is nothing easy about watching someone you love go down hill. I cried tonight hating the fact she is not at home, where she wanted to stay. But then someone told me tonight to be grateful she was not in pain and suffering. That was a calming thought. I know she is lucky to be in a nice place and I think guilt and denial for the fact my mother has dementia has gotten the best of my senses.
One thing for sure, I have taken the time to keep records perfect and clip receipts to every check I have written. Everything I do or need to do is about my Mother. I believe in my heart my sister is all for my Mother too. It is her and I who have the issues. I feel she should have some gratitude for all the years I took care of our mother so she could live in Florida worry free , instead of throwing her hurtful accusations and digs at me. She still will not say thank you for anything. So anyway, thank you for all your kind and wise advice.
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Soulfulgirl~My sister is the primary on our mother's DPOA (Durable power of attornery). Our mother was diagnosed as incapacitated by a neurologist in April of 2013. I am secondary on the DPOA. When our mother was diagnosed incapacitated, my sis and I brought a letter from the neurologist and another from our mother's PCP. Her elder law attorney was more than willing to work with us since we had 2 diagnosis regarding her incapacity.

Our mother's attorney then authorized paperwork assigning my sis as the person in charge of our mother's Trust. That included her home and all assets, bank accounts and pensions.This paperwork went to all legal fields, courts, county records, etc.

We placed our mother (Alzheimer's Disease) in a memory care facility. It was not easy, still brings tears to my eyes witnessing my mother's decline. Sis and I both have to work to provide for ourselves and family.

The attorney told us we could sell her house if that is what we want to do. We waited on year for the market to improve here in Cali. It was one of hardest things I have every done...this house is where I grew up...memories of Christmas', Thanksgiving, birthdays, marriages and births of my nephews and nieces...not to mention the cement our dad poured and we all wrote our names and the date!!!

Because our parents had a Trust ( a good thing to have), we sold the house and the money was added to our mother's Trust, (dad passed in 2003).

We have a good relationship and sis and I work together even though my sis has all authority. I, however, do all the research and advice my sis regarding medications for our mom's condition. She respects my input and depends on it so it all works out well. I know this is not case with everyone, jealously about who get POA, fighting over who gets what... it can be very horrible for the person who is POA and siblings fighting against you.

My point is that we sold the house and the money is used for our mother's care. Her care is excellent and we are both very involved in seeing that she is care for. We take her dr appointments ourselves, visit regularly and take our mother out for lunch and family gatherings.

I cried so much in selling the house...it is very hard and hurtful to let get of that part of your life. We sold to a couple under the conditions that the house would not be used as a rental but as a home for a long term couple/family.
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Its wonderful you and your Sis can support one another. I understand how you can cry ever step of the way. It is wonderful that you can support one another and work together so well.
I have an on going battle with my sister. When she finally made it home after 5 years she only spent 6 hours total with mom, claiming mom acted like she did not want her there. I tried to tell her, I could have left 10 times over, but I didn't. Then I heard from some people, she has called them to ask if she should tell mom she is never coming home. Why it will only devastate my mother and then my sister will not be here to hold her hand or wipe her tears. I plead with my sister not fight with mom, because she takes ten steps back. Yesterday mom forgot her name.
Mom does not want do anything past eating and watching her movie over and over no matter how much I try to get her interested in. l am trying to be grateful that she is content and happy to do that. It's only been 30 days since mom went to a home for memory care. Yes, it is hard and horrible to see her declining and I hate myself for crying on a daily base.

I have actually offered my sister to take full charge of the finances and agreed to sign whatever she needs, but it turns ugly with her insults, like"Don't you dare take anything out of the house, but the garbage!" It's not even about the money for her, its about power, control. Every day when things are so hard, like finding a home for her cat, a lump of resentment gets stuck in my throat because she does nothing to make it any easier. When I cry or would complain, as she calls it, she says, Oh its all about you, boo-hoo you. Of course I respond back angry.

After keeping mom at home until she was no longer safe and she got lost going to mailbox, I had to take mom to the home. They suggested I leave after we got there and my son stayed with her for a while. It was so hard, actually it was one of the hardest days of my life. Yet my sister let me know, that I dropped her off at the door like a dog.
The last month, I stopped talking with my sister because my nerves were so shot that my heart was beating out of my chest. I guess I not detaching very well from my sisters insults or accepting the fact that mom is never going be okay. Everyday I get up and pray that acceptance, strength, and the courage to live this day happy and do the best I can lives strong in me. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Sweetie, unfortunately your sister is toxic. She will continue to hurt you every step of the way. You are doing right by your mother.

Set up strong boundaries with your sister. You are only obligated to inform her of your mother's condition. You can do that with an email from a separate account you use only for your sister. Do not read her toxic replies and do not listen to her toxic phone messages.

If possible have the elder law attorney send her a letter setting up a time for your sister to pick out what she wants from mom's house, then have an estate sale and put the house on the market. Set it up so all is legal with an elder law attorney and make what decisions are needed. You don't need your sisters permission or approval since she isn't going to give it anyway. Try to not be in your sisters presence. Or limit it to a short amount of time.

You have to protect yourself not only legally but emotionally. Boundaries and detachment from sister is necessary.
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I don't know what your mom's financial situation is, but can she afford extended memory care? I would check with the Elder Law attorney before selling things like houses and cars. While they may be exempt for Medicaid purposes, once they become cash, they may prevent her from qualifying. If she doesn't need Medicaid, I would still consult with the Elder Law attorney to see what the options were for those proceeds.
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