Selling the house or being totally used. Any advice?
I have spent 10 1/2 months on my days off sorting through my parents belongings, to eventually put the home up for sale. My mother was a horrendous hoarder and tossed almost nothing away. I have found lids off of cans she kept. Cotton from pill bottles, dirty bandages and the list goes on. I managed to get complete POA over both parents finances because my mother spent her entire pension checks on Avon products she would never use. I have thrown out thousands of dollars in expired Avon. I would like to strangle the rep for taking advantage of her, but she knowingly bought all this stuff. If she would have put this wasted money in the bank she would be set up quite nicely. My husband has helped when he could, but he is a contractor and can't offer as much help as I needed. I have been managing their finances for well over a year, working full time and caring for my own family as well. Not to mention a 4 hour return trip to their home and back. My parents are now in a care facility. Thank God !!!!! But the neediness has not stopped.
My husband and I have worked ourselves half to death to try to get the home ready for showing and sale. My dad is acting like some idiot that has just won the lottery and buying drinks for the whole bar. His property is worth quite a bit and he has a list of benefactors that have done nothing for him over many years including his useless brother. But he feels they should all be showered with his new wealth. He has thrown me to the wolves again over getting "HIS" house ready. I am an only child and just turned 59 yrs. old. I'm exhausted and worn out both emotionally and physically. My husband and I threw away 4000 lbs. of junk from their house and filled a 20/6/9 dumpster. My dad has accused me of mismanaging his bank account. He has no money to mismanage, only his pension checks are in his account. I have to keep very close tabs on what comes out of his account, seeing he still has expenses from the house until it's sold.
He has no interest in even trying to take any responsibility for any of his finances to keep his mind active and he could. He just wants to sit, veg out and read stamp magazines and b**ch about how he was last to be taken down to breakfast.
Growing up I was the recipient of many beatings with his belt because he has a wicked temper and my mother did nothing to stop him. To this day I have never forgotten his brutal discipline tactics. I have been caring for their every need for 23 years now and spent thousands on gas from travelling to and fro. Not to mention shuffling work schedules to accommodate their constant needs. They had home support as well for 8 years because their needs far exceeded what I was able to do and hold down a job and look after my own stuff at the same time.
Many times I have said to my husband I wanted them both to pass on so I would be free of their constant needy, thankless crap. My close friend who is in the same boat referred to it as "Being a parent to a spoiled, terminally ill child".
Thanks,
Anksana
But I'm confused...what "new wealth" does your father feel he has? Does he still have any control over his finances at all - you wrote that you have complete control through a DPOA... If he has no access to his funds, I would say just let him rant as there's nothing he can do about it.
I assume you're documenting all of the financial transactions you're handling, including keeping a ledger of all the house bills you're paying until it's sold?
It wouldn't hurt to document his accusations as well, to show a pattern of unfounded claims by him. Never can tell what he'll claim in the future.
I'm not sure what questions you're asking but I think you're proceeding on the right path. I would also minimize contact with your father given his history of abuse.
I do think probably the best thing you could do is get him into an institutional placement.
1. You don't "manage to get" POA. Power of Attorney is GIVEN by one person to another, trusted individual to use in the event of the person's becoming incapable of managing his own affairs.
2. Until the person is incapable, you don't do anything with your POA.
3. Once the person is incapable, as POA you then assume all responsibility for managing the person's finances, medical or lifestyle decisions, or whatever is specified in the legal documentation.
4. As POA, you have a duty to carry out your parents' wishes as far as possible, and as far as practical. But you have a duty to protect your parents' best interests, which is paramount. So, in the case of your father's casting his wealth to the four winds, it is your duty to prevent that once it reaches a point where he is jeopardising his and your mother's welfare.
Now. It sounds as though up to now you have been acting not in your capacity as POA, but in your capacity as dogsbody and whipping boy. Do you have a formal POA document for both of them, specifying terms and conditions? If so, you need to set about putting it into motion, which would involve having your father's incompetence officially declared. I'm guessing you haven't got to that part of the fun yet? Because if you have, I'm at a loss to understand how your father is continuing to spend money without your agreement.
[Minor point, but when you're talking to lawyers it might matter: don't confuse benefactor and beneficiary. Your father has a list of beneficiaries. Regrettably, these people have not been his benefactors by the sound of it.]
I'm sorry that this is all so pedantic, and I realise too that you might know all of it already: in which case apologies. But the thing is that you sound so stressed and angry that in the end I wonder whether the POA responsibility is a good thing for you to have. You do have the option of resigning it and walking away, you know; and now that your parents are both in a facility you won't have to be anxious about any risk to your mother. As for what then happens to their money? Well, the beauty of it is that, if you can walk away and forget about it, it won't be your problem.
Oh boy! - do I get how you must feel about the hoarding and (aaaaarrrrrggggghh!) the beauty products. Snap. I wanted to strangle my mother. When we moved in together her removal van was a tonne overweight and got stopped at a weigh bridge and the driver fined. She couldn't stop buying, piddling away the money on stuff that she liked but didn't need and often couldn't use. But you know instead of being angry, be sad for her. The Avon lady was her friend. Buying products from her was a pleasure for your mother; and I wonder if it's also important that it was a secret pleasure, one that your father would never have wanted to investigate. It's about passive rebellion, and nurturing a bit of self-love. I still feel angry that my mother couldn't be stronger, more assertive, more rational; but I don't blame her any more. It wasn't her fault.
And my dad, though he was sometimes frightening and had an incredibly short temper, was never physically violent that I know of. Yours hurt you intentionally. His intentions may have been rooted in the good intention of bringing you up right - spare the rod, spoil the child - but the fact is that his behaviour was very wrong, and you have every right to be angry.
Ok. So here is the big question. Why can't you walk away?
Thanks,
Anksana
Years ago when mom discussed with me giving me the task of becoming my parents POA should they need it, I didn't latch on to the word Task. She was a savvy woman, I'm sure that word was used on purpose. She trusted me completely to keep their welfare, needs and wishes foremost. Many times that became extremely difficult, you do the best you can.
It sounds like that is Exactly what your doing, good job!
Shakingdustoff Count me as a sinner also!! Many many times I prayed mom would pass on so she would no longer have to endure the H*ll which she was living in. I suppose she must be considered a sinner too....according to you. She also didn't want to exist not having control of her life. Thankfully she stated as much in her Living Will.
Luv to all,
Anksana
To repeat: no one can force you to act as POA. If it's too much, resign.
Or, I agree, just promise yourself rewards to come - a bottle of Scotch sounds like a good start - as long as you remember that you are not obliged to carry all this.
Also, to go back to your question then, who do you think is using you? If it's a rant, fair enough - everyone needs to chuck their toys out of the pram somewhere safe from time to time. But in there there is a grain of something else: namely, that you resent the prospect of your father lavishing his capital on the fun guys, like his brother and his new best friends, when you would believe it ought by rights to stay safely in the bank and, in the fullness of time, become your compensation for everything you've had to put up with.
I know this sounds like I'm blaming you. I'm not blaming you. You're doing all the work; I'm sure you are doing it well; and 'what's in it for me?' is a perfectly fair, rational question. For your own sake, though, just think through what you're feeling or you could end up unequivocally hating your dad; and that will do you no good.
The care giving is still going on but in a different way. 10 1/2 months was a huge deal for me and may seem very trivial to others. Their home is a 4 bedroom, 3 story house with a full basement and attic. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't hate my dad. I just wished he would have planned things better. The $ from the sale of the home WILL go into the bank for their continuing care. End of story......
Thanks,
Anksana