I was supposed to wake my mother for church today, but overslept. Strangely I did set the alarm to get up, and according to my husband I _did_ get up. He then went back to sleep and I have no recollection _at all_ what I did. Probably just shut off the alarm and went back to bed myself. But I did not wake my mother up. Now she's at church, her phone is shut off, and I swear that she's fuming. I'm terrified of her anger, even though I'm an independent adult. She uses phrases like "You never care about anything," and "You always forget to do something except when it's your own need." She also accuses me of lying. Basically nothing I say will pacify her. We've had a meltdown recently and things are still very tense, and now I did this again. Tiny things escalate to the point of huge fights, and I'm depressed and anxious about another one coming. I can't stand up for myself without snapping, which makes it worse. I end up raising my voice because I'm scared. Does anyone have that happen to them? How do you deal? I feel like I'm loosing my memory from stress, and I'm way to young for this (under 30).
You are SO RIGHT, but it is so hard to do sometimes. We were raised to respect them because they are our parents and we lived in their home, so had to abide by their rules, etc. and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I think it's hard for them to see we are no longer children. I get that, I really do. My mom was in an SNF for a couple of months at the beginning of the year, and when she was gone I was excited because I could watch what I wanted to watch IN MY OWN HOME on MY OWN TV again...I thought to myself "how ridiculous is this...she moved in and completely took over EVERYTHING and we let her!!!" Soooo while she was at the SNF, we rearranged the formal livingroom (which we never used anyways), brought some of her furniture over from her storage locker, and set it up as her own livingroom. I told her I thought she would be more comfortable with her own furniture and this way she didn't have to deal with our dogs (another bone of contention...she HATES dogs, and we have 2 fur-babies that are NOT going to be tossed outside for her benefit) since there is a gate separating that half of the house (so they don't bother the cats). I'll tell you what - this was the BEST decision we made and I swear it saved my sanity! She's got her own TV, recliner, etc. and that room is closer to the bathroom, which is something she also needed. That REALLY took a lot of the stress off of me, and I didn't have to tell her that I did it because she was driving me insane...whatever works, right?? heehee!
You would not allow anyone else to be rude and upset you like that in your home; and I am sorry, but that does apply to your own Mother. Take ownership of your home and be done with it.
On the alarm clock...get one of those that flashes bright lights. They are used for the hearing impaired and work great!
Good luck!
Purplesushi: We all feel guilty when taking care of a parent. We are not them, we don't live like they lived. We have our own ways and that is OK. It's our home and this is how we live. Reinforce that in a kind but firm fashion.
I loved my dad, he passed this past September. My mom passed in 2008 so after that I would have him over every night for dinner. (They lived across the driveway from us) Well, I have hardwood floors and every winter it snows and he would track snow all across my house walking to the dining room. I would never complain and would lay down a trail of towels for him to walk on, plus one under his chair. Then, for a reason I can't remember, we ended up eating dinner at the kitchen table one night. My dad went on to tell me that he preferred the kitchen to the dining room. That was fine, but he did it in a way that made me feel badly. It was like he criticized the fact that I had a dining room and questioned what I was trying to "put on." It had never occurred to me that he would feel that way. In retrospect I have to laugh that here I was cooking dinner for him, picking the things that he liked to eat, giving up time with my husband and all he could say was he didn't like the room he was eating in. Well excuse me for being a bad daughter!!
From then on we ate in the kitchen. Much shorter towel trail for me. We continued our after dinner cribbage games and all was well as far as I know. Still, his words stung my heart. I'm not scared by them, it just seemed so unkind in the face of what I was trying to offer.
The last year of my dad's life, he lived under our roof due to a severe stroke. I miss him a lot now that he is gone and I am trying to get my life back on a course more natural to me than the past 7 years of taking care of parents.
For those of you who have parents in their homes, you really do need to set some boundaries and remind them, kindly, that this is your home and you do things in your own way.
Hope some of this is useful to you. Best wishes, Cattails
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