Seven miles from home Wednesday, the car broke down with fumes coming through the vents. Could I have done anything differently?
I pulled into a small parking lot, got out fast, unloaded his scooter from its holder and moved it to his door so Spouse could get out, too. He refused. The vents continued pouring fumes and there was a sizzling sound, but he sat there saying "well I'm not getting out" although he did when he knew help was coming. I arranged for a friend to pick up Spouse while I handled the towing issue.
The projected towtruck wait was over one hour. Spouse, with dementia, doesn't handle waits well. He got into his scooter and drove near the road and honestly looked like he was going to head out into traffic to complete the errand which was about 2 more miles. This is a divided thoroughfare with two lanes nearly non-stop traffic on either side of the divide, about 45 mph speed, and in an industrial zone with no sidewalks.
He hadn't brought his sudoku and thus hadn't a distraction. He buries himself more and more into puzzles so I approached with some suggestions, leading the way to the business' display of a beautifully restored Firebird. This worked for a while as we explored the rest of the small businesses surrounding the lot. I stayed close in case I had to disengage the scooter's motor with the lever behind the seat and make up a story about "oh the scooter lost power." His ride came about one hour later because the friend got lost.
What could I have done in addition to what I did?
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The bigger question to my mind is if your LO won't obey instructions in an emergency and you can't manage him physically because he is bigger, it it safe fir you to transport him? At all?
I faced this when my mom grabbed the steering wheel from my DH. I never put her in my car again. I have a friend with a developmentally disabled and emotionally disturbed son who did the same thing to her. He is no longer can be driven by her.
I like to say that sometimes we get a warning that something is no longer safe.. heed the warning.
I don't know what to suggest though, especially if you're not in a position to get help or find a placement with 24/7 monitoring, and we all know that any kind of facility is really expensive.
Another option is to hire one of the medical transits, but they're not cheap. I paid $40 each way plus mileage when I needed cataract surgery transport.
Has he been examined by a neurologist?
There's another possibility and it's that he's one of those men who doesn't acknowledge danger and likes to push his limits. Evil Knievel and Nick Wallenda are people who I think fall in this category and in my opinion take unacceptable risks, for whatever reason.
And just my opinion, some people push the limits to compensate for low self esteem, and early life parental criticism. Accomplishing challenging tasks helps restore that self esteem, in a sad kind of way.
As for the reasons he refused to move, it may be that he is one to push the limits because he takes great pride in saying "I have a high pain tolerance." Occasionally he belittles those folks telling awful stories on Discovery ID because when they sometimes break down and cry, he says "oh you're just crying for yourself."
What cmore ould you have done? I think you displayed more common sense, foresight, control and calm than most people would have.
Look at it this way: you saved yourself and your spouse; those are the most important issues. But you also saved his scooter, prevented him from wandering out into the road, called for assistance for both your spouse and the car, redirected and occupied his attention and kept him safe.
What else could you have done? I think you did more than most people would under extremely challenging circumstances.
BTW, the 1 hour wait for the tow truck - do you have AAA? I've found that their services have deteriorated over the years. Second to last time I called I waited over an hour & a half, then called a reliable tow truck company that I've used in the past.
What you need to do now is just relax and spend some private down time, congratulating yourself on saving yourself, spouse and to some extent the car, although I think with the flames spurting out your car might be ready for the car graveyard.
Seriously, I applaud your calm, your foresight and your concern more for your spouse than yourself.
You deserve a Caregiver Medal of Honor!
I put a sudoku book into his bag of Depends supplies carried in the car, which ought to help with any further waits. The problem was a broken heater core, which spewed green fluid (which resembles antifreeze) onto the motor where it vaporized in large quantities to make the sizzling sound and shoot up the heat gauge. The car is fixable but if I'd continued driving, the engine would have burnt up with true flames and need to be scrapped. The coverage is USAA, which I'm content with.
I'll share something that's bothered me for quite some time, but thus far there haven't been any fires.
The issue: squirrels and critters nesting under the hood. I learned several years ago that Ford had been using some type of natural based substance in its wires. That attracted the critters. It's an interesting issue arising from use of more natural as opposed to manufactured components.
Some local squirrel(s) set up housekeeping under the hood. My mechanic discovered it in a regular check and cleaned out the would be squirrel motel. He did say that he was surprised the leaves hadn't caused a fire.
Even if your cars are in garages, critters can get in, especially the little ones like mice.
The biggest problem for me though was that I couldn't check the engine area regularly b/c of the difficulty of pulling open the lock. I've never had a lock so tight and stubborn that I couldn't open it to get access to the hood.
The problem was a broken heater core, which somehow connects to the radiator that cools the engine. It happened very fast, no warning; I'm only glad it was fixable.
Spouse's behavior disturbs me very much. At the time, I considered trying to haul him out of the car onto the scooter. Anything physical like that would start a fight and he outweighs me, has a combative nature and I'm pretty sure things would have escalated to even more trouble. If there had been actual flames shooting out, I believe he would have moved himself but the fumes didn't scare him enough.
Boy, so sorry all this happened. Any reason the car had this problem that you know of?
Geeeeez! What a story. Quite an adventure!