My Mom has been diagnosed with mild dementia and suffers from short term memory loss. My brother feels that, due to her ST memory loss/deficiency, she's also unable to make sound/informed decisions like her wish to sell her current home, which is large and sits on a very large lot which she can no longer maintain. I disagree with my brother and his view/opinion of her condition has enraged our Mom! Any thoughts/opinions? Many thanks, Michele
I was my Dad's POA but I was surprised how much he understood about the Listing Agreement and later the Contract. He was able to focus on it quite well. I had to catch him before his sundowning took over for the afternoon. He didn't go to settlement as that would have been too much sitting for him and Dad loved to tell stories. I made sure first that my financial Power of Attorney was acceptable for real estate sales. In my State, the address of the property had to be on the financial POA.
The error in judgements that we saw with my grandparents tended to be them thinking they could solve a complicated problem with a "simple" solution (often one offered by a shady salesman), or thinking other people wouldn't notice there was a problem if they covered things up -- kind of child-like thinking. An example here would be if your mom's house was worth $50,000 and she was thinking she could sell it and pay for 10 years of assisted living -- it's a misjudgement and miscalculation and maybe wishful thinking. But if she's saying, "The house is too big for me, I can't keep up with the work, I'm lonely out here" -- those aren't judgements (let alone misjudgements); it's a statement of her experience.
Was your brother hoping to inherit the house? (He can always purchase it at fair market value.)
Most people would be thrilled if their elderly parent was that realistic and wanted to move to a smaller, more manageable setting. I hope things go smoothly for your mom and that she will be happy in her new place.
Your Mom doesn't have to know your brother had any part in the decision. You can take yourself out of "the middle" by letting her doctor decide. Trust me, if he based his diagnosis of your mom's condition with the mini mental exam (which is very likely), he'll know whether or not your mom is capable of making a big decision like selling her house. I sat with my Mom in the doctor's office while he administered the MME and it was truly a sobering experience. I knew Mom was slipping, but I was shocked at how bad she really was. Dementia patients can be very good at concealing their deficits.
You may now or at some point need to get a note from your Mom's MD stating that she is not capable of acting in her own best interest, medically or financially, or something in that vein. This is a very common request and likely something you'll need in the future to manage your Mom's affairs. Best wishes to you and your family.
In a way, I have to agree with your brother in his opinion of the mild dementia. My mom was diagnosed with that a few years ago and she is now at a much more advanced dementia. Her doctor just told me that it is time to think about a memory care facility and I am working with an attorney now to protect her assets. The dementia and short term memory loss will only get worse (sorry to say).
If you do NOT have POA, get it as soon as you can, through an estate planning attorney. That should take care of any problems with your brother. I can understand the emotional upset that you are going through. It's not an easy thing to do, but if your brother and his wife are hell bent on their "mission" you don't have to bow down to them. It sounds like they are trying to put the pressure on you.
Take out your POA documentation and re-read it so that you thoroughly understand what exactly your mother authorised you to do. If you wish, you may send a copy of it to your brother so that he too understands that your mother has made you, and not him, responsible for acting on her behalf. Sorry, but my hands are tied is what you tell him. I'm sorry that I inadvertently involved you in the plans, but I now realise that I can't give you any further information.
When he and SIL visit - oh Lord! - next week, pretend you're a nurse and these are medical records. Sorry, can't discuss this with you, it's confidential.
And if you and your mother do need someone to guide and advise you on major financial and legal points, go to a professional.
See All Answers