Should my husband and I purchase a house for my elderly parents?

In agreement with Windyridge.
NO.

It also seems like you and your husband are making a profitable investment, but No.

No! Do NOT buy them a house. I bought my parents a house in my town 10 years ago thinking it would be best for all of us but it's a NIGHTMARE for me now. The folks were suppose to sell their home (it's about an hour from my town), dad said he thought it would take about a year for them to fix their house up to sell it, but mom was too cheap to hire the help. They decided to keep their old house and they drove there once a week to 'check on things', mow the lawn, drink coffee and talk to the neighbors. So here it is, 10 years later and their house is still in decline and now the house I bought them is in decline too since mom moved 4 cats into the house without asking me. She doesn't care for them very well, they have ruined the carpet, wallpaper and blinds so far and the litterbox smell is unbelievable. I paid cash for the house so there's no mortgage, I haven't charged them rent, I've paid taxes & insurance for 10 years. I was paying the utilities the first 8 years but my mother is so rude to me I made her start paying her utilities 2 years ago, she refuses to pay the taxes and insurance. I pay for the maintenance of the yard and home. I'm totally pissed off that they have left me to pay for everything. I enjoyed having them close in the beginning but mom's mental illness & cognitive decline showed up with a vengeance about 5 years ago & she began accusing me of stealing from them. I can't tell you how hurtful it is to be accused of stealing when I've been so generous to them. If I put the house up for sale today, this is what I'm looking at - all these items are 10 years older today than the day they moved in: roof, fence, 2 central heat & a/c units, hot water tank, appliances, wall paper, drapes. It needs to be completely repainted inside & out, the carpet is ruined. They had a small leak they didn't address so it buckled part of the wood floor in the kitchen. The yard isn't maintained as well since my father passed 3 years ago. The house smells now. The icing on the cake is earlier this year my mother had a super mental melt down & called me every nasty name she could think of, accused me of a bunch of outlandish things & quit speaking to me, I'm paying her bills, and she's taken up with the "Doctor" and his wife across the street like they are her long lost cherished son and daughter. Oh, and I love this part: Mrs. Doctor told me about 3 years ago she & hubby were totally broke due to them both having difficult divorces so they could marry each other and Mr. Doctor has 4 children he had to put through college. Maybe they are just being nice to my mother, but I think they have encouraged her to be at odds with me, they seemed 'too interested' in her right after my dad passed away, very possessive of her. I got to spend some quality time with my dad before he passed away, that's the ONLY redeeming part of this whole fiasco. There were so many unforeseen problems in commingling real estate, money, & DEMENTIA that if I had to do it over, I don't believe I would. There were many happy times shared with them but my mother has forgotten it all now. My parents were never happy after moving away from their own home, hometown and old friends. They weren't comfortable in the new neighborhood, didn't make friends, so they felt lonely even though I visited them at least twice per week. They couldn't find anything in the kitchen when they tried to cook, it frustrated them. It was hard to see them go through all that. Now I feel like I have potentially introduced my mom to someone that's going to take advantage of her.

"My dad probably has mild to moderate dementia my mom has a brain tumor" ...."I caught the flu and was so stressed out trying to manage their home and mine" .

Having cared for someone with dementia and seeing someone else's parent decline with a brain tumor; if you parents don't need more care now, I bet they will very soon. If you were so stressed out managing their home, why do it again. Bringing them closer is an excellent idea; but you still will be incredibly stressed managing 2 homes and taking care of two elderly parents with cognitive disorders.

I also would not move them twice if you don't' have to. Assisted living with several levels of care would be your best option. Start visiting places, they are all different. Also you can hire a geriatric care manager to assist you with options for your parents.

Good Luck!

Reno55 has the right idea. So does everyone else for that matter. They can't go back, so why are you keeping the old place? Don't move them in with you, follow all the other advice about attorneys, etc.

Could there be a assisted living & memery closer to you? Remember the most beautiful don't always offer the best care. Speak your problem to directors if possible to get in sooner.
I would never buy them a house. Rent month to month if you can. The less they are moved the better. If you could afford elder care attorney would be worth the money. Have ALL papers w you & recorded as time is $. Make sure they know medicare rules. States rules are different. My hubby has alz & one of first clue he hide things & then accused thieves. As soon as they are near you have Dr. Appt set up. This is stress on you. When we put our house up for sale, I took my husband & stayed w our children & it luckily sold cash in 3 days. He had no clue. I was soooo stressed. My brain was clouded. Plan on a rest when you get them settled. Read all you can on dementia to know what to expect so not suprised. Pray for God's guidance.

The thing that jumps out at me the most is that your MIL is already paying the mortgage and your Mom and Dad will do the same You really need to get this properly formalized because you have become a landlord. Both sets of parents need to become formal tenants with a proper lease. Their rent can be the equivalent to the mortgage payment plus they an pay their own utilities. You also need proper commercial insurance to protect yourself if a caregiver gets hurt. You should also be prepared to pay social security etc so the caregiver becomes an employee. You should also form a corporation to further protect yourselves and take advantage of the tax breaks available.
Having said all that . it seems to be a good idea to move them closer to you even if it means waiting a few more months assisted living. The idea of renting an apartment for a few months while they wait is a good one. You can probably negotiate a six month lease that can continue as a month to month. It is a bad idea to retain their existing apartment, whether they like it or not they can't go back so it is a waste of money.
Living independently is really no longer an option, they already need more help than you are able or want to provide. People with brain injuries typically often can barely take care of themselves let alone be a caregiver. You say you are already taking care of their finances which of course needs to continue wherever they live. They are elderly now so things can only deteriorate as time goes on.
The best option to me seems to be to get them into Assisted living as soon as possible becaue there will be all kinds of services available where they don't even need to leave the facility. Meals,cleaning, laundry transportation and entertainment. They can still be as independent as they are able but still be secure and not dependent on you. That way they won't have screwed up their finances if there comes a time when they need Medicaid. Try and keep a cool head and really think this through. Unless you can afford and want the responsibility of another property it is not a good idea.

I agree with renting until there is an opening. Also, sell the other place so they don't have an option to go back. (Unless that is the only way you can get them to move)

There are many ideas to consider above. While reading them, I thought of another. I'd consider that if your mom is thinking that various people are stealing from her and she doesn't trust them.....she could easily start saying that about you or other family members.(For absolutely no reason.) It's not uncommon. I'd try to incorporate than possibility into my plan.

You need less stress, not more. Assisted living best option, 55+ apartment living is a second choice but my bet is that you will have to move them again soon into AL.

Hi, Oneandonly447, it appears you have given a great deal of thought to a plan for your mom and dad. One thing that was not clear to me was, what is the ultimate plan for your parents? It sounds like you are planning on them living in places other than your home. Which, by the way, is fine, so I don't want anyone making any assumptions on where I am going with this. So if that is the case I would agree with others in regard to not purchasing a home. It's one more thing to deal with that is probably not practical. Your parents will need more and more care as time goes on. So, if the ultimate plan is for them to live independent of you and your family, then I would look into a facility that will provide care all the way down the line. My mom has dementia, she has lived with me for the past 5 years. She is now at the point that if I couldn't keep her home, then she is beyond all levels of care except a nursing home with a locked down unit. I would seriously think thru how you want their care to be handled from this point forward. If there is any way to get them in a facility that can handle all the different levels of care, that would be ideal. Then they are not being moved from one facility to another. I do have authorization for 24/7 care thru Medicaid, which is wonderful, but finding the necessary help has been a whole other issue. I never thought it would that hard to find competent help, but it is.
I think you have thought a great deal about addressing the issues today, but I think it would be advisable to think about the issues further down the road as well. You are a wonderful daughter, you have their best interests at heart, you have your families best interests at heart, you will figure it out. Good Luck!

I would not buy the house now. Get a regular apartment near to you as a trial (and also wait for the assisted living option to come). Once you know how much work is involved taking care of parents living close to you, THEN you can better judge if buying a house is the right solution. Parent's conditions will only get worse and require more care - are you prepared for that if they are living in a residence that is not assisted living? Your preteen isn't. probably not your husband either.

Also, I've seen it posted that dementia sufferers do better in smaller places - less to take care of, fewer places to lose things, and so on. So a small apartment (could be 2 bedroom) may be better than a house investment.

Given that you have to wait for an IL apartment and even then it's 20 miles away, I'm going to guess you live in a rural area? That limits your options. Ideally, you'd just choose another IL (and one much closer to you).

Unless you want the house as an investment, it's a long-term solution for a short-term problem (as others have said). Plus, you'll still be very much taking care of your parents. You've only solved the problem of travel. Keep in mind that currently, your parents know you're very far away and that there's no point calling you for every little thing. Once they're around the corner, I predict you'll get multiple calls daily. You'll have to be very disciplined in your response and (I know from experience) that's easier said than done.

If you have an apartment building near you (within 5 miles), I'd rent there rather than buying a house. Apartment-style living is better suited to aging. And, there's no such thing as a maintenance-free house. You don't need the headaches of homeownership piled on top of taking care of your parents. Negotiate the shortest lease you can and move them in with caregivers coming as often as they can afford.

The best thing would be to find another IL if that's a possibility. Or, look at a nearby AL. Currently, they may enter with only base rent and no 'level of care' which may make it more affordable. Given their diagnoses, it's only a matter of time before they'd need AL services, so that would avoid having to move again (which can cause setbacks for elders with health issues and dementia).

It sounds like your parents are 'on the bubble' financially. In order to avoid making any missteps that would impact a future Medicaid application, meet with an attorney who specializes in elder law.

I agree with so many of the responses here. Right away I thought, "No, no, no!" on the idea of buying a house for your parents. Why would you want to take on that responsibility as well what you are already handling? Truly it would end up to be your issue more than theirs. First, because of the apparent complications in your situation, I would contact a good elder attorney. We obtained one for my mother when she was unable to deal with living in her own (mobile) home and needed assisted living, and the attorney was very compassionate and helpful. It was a difficult situation for all concerned, but legal help made it go more smoothly. In my opinion you should consider keeping it as simple as possible, for your lives will become complicated enough until they are settled in a more appropriate and safe living situation. It's great you want to have your parents closer: an excellent idea, as they will continue to need you. But it sounds like already you are piling your plates way too full for you to have some semblance of your own life and personal well-being. Your child will need you, too. Assisted living will be a great option, if you find a good one. They are out there. It sounds like your parents have some funds, so that will help pay the costs until they may possibly qualify for Medicaid assistance. My advice is for you to find a short-term apartment for them, close to you, and don't buy another house. Do what you can to get them into assisted living as soon as possible. Good luck to you.

Having dealt with my mom's dementia for the last 10-12 years, I can tell you that owning another property and dealing with yard work, maintenance, etc is a major burden. I have "people" who take care of/fix things at my mom's house, but they are not always available when I need them, and I have to coordinate and supervise any work. If I had known my mom would live this long, and the decline and amount of hands on care she would need, I would have sold her house and put her in assisted living a long time ago. She requires 24/7 care now, and has for the last 5 years or so. That is very expensive, and things come up with caregivers, like their kids are sick, their car breaks down, etc etc etc. With your mom's brain tumor, she may not live more than a few more years, so your dad would be alone in that house , and somewhat isolated. Look for a good assisted living place near you, within a 50 mile drive, one that has different levels of care as the need arises. Expect to pay around 5-10k per month for 2 people in one apartment for that kind of care. I really don't think having them live in a house near you is the answer. They would make more and more demands on your time, just as your teen requires and deserves more attention. In my region, southeast Virginia, assisted living for one person in a studio apartment can be as little as $3,500 per month, when I last looked into it a few years ago. But memory care runs quite a bit more.

Having dealt with my mom's dementia for the last 10-12 years, I can tell you that owning another property and dealing with yard work, maintenance, etc is a major burden. I have "people" who take care of/fix things at my mom's house, but they are not always available when I need them, and I have to coordinate and supervise any work. If I had known my mom would live this long, and the decline and amount of hands on care she would need, I would have sold her house and put her in assisted living a long time ago. She requires 24/7 care now, and has for the last 5 years or so. That is very expensive, and things come up with caregivers, like their kids are sick, their car breaks down, etc etc etc. With your mom's brain tumor, she may not live more than a few more years, so your dad would be alone in that house , and somewhat isolated. Look for a good assisted living place near you, within a 50 mile drive, one that has different levels of care as the need arises. Expect to pay around 5-10k per month for 2 people in one apartment for that kind of care. I really don't think having them live in a house near you is the answer. They would make more and more demands on your time, just as your teen requires and deserves more attention. In my region, southeast Virginia, assisted living for one person in a studio apartment can be as little as $3,500 per month, when I last looked into it a few years ago. But memory care runs quite a bit more.

No. No. No. If you still plan on an independent-assisted-nursing home transition why buy a house for a few months. Move them into an apartment near you and wait for the selected facility to have an opening. Sounds like you are building a real estate empire using your parent's money.

One of the things that you should look for if you purchase a house is one that is fully adapted already. By that I mean one that is handicap accessible.
Roll in shower
Grab bars where you need them
No stairs
Wide doors
Wide halls
open concept
no carpet
durable floors.
And this does not take into account when either or both will need 24/7 care. You will have to at that point have someone move in with them or it would be another move to Assisted Living or more likely Memory Care.
I could go on but you get the idea.
A house like that is not easy to find.
I think the best thing would be to get them into the appropriate facility now while they are better able to adjust both physically and mentally.

Little red flags started popping up when I read that your mother will be responsible for paying the mortgage, and that she's already paying on a mortgage on another house you own.

First, there's the financial issue of that money being paid for a house which she doesn't own, if she ever needs Medicaid.

Second, there's the issue that she won't have a fee interest since title will be in your names. I doubt any mortgagee (lender) would grant a mortgage under those conditions.

That literally leaves the fee holders (you and your husband) without obligation for the mortgage, and an elderly woman responsible for it. It might not even be possible to get a mortgage under those conditions unless you deal with one of the lower level lenders, and I definitely wouldn't suggest that.

I do think the idea of moving them closer is a good one, for a lot of reasons, but I would seriously think about a place which doesn't require maintenance or upkeep.

I'm kinda wondering about existing house #2 and the MIL situation.
So what is MILs health & finances like? She pays the mortgage, right? So what happens if she couldn't? What if she suddenly needed lots of help? And just who really deals with MIL when she needs something? Who deals with property #2 upkeep? What's the breakdown on this between you & hubs?

If dealing with your folks PLUS property #3 ends up with oodles more time & $$$ than dealing with MIL.... will this be an issue for hubs? Will he actually help you with yours if needed? Not to sound harsh, but just how much of a sense of humor & tolerance will hubs & your son have towards your folks? 

I'm assuming that money isn't an overall issue for you & hubs or for his mom or your parents (everybody has plenty $$$); BUT rather the bigger reason for moving your folks is so important is that you are gone away from hubs, your son & your home too too much for a happy home life & your health. So in theory, you will have more time & you will be happier/healthier, if they are in the same city. Is that a driver in the decision to move them to your state, your city? If so, don't count on that happening.

It sounds like they really cannot live on their own, right now they sort of manage at their apt now cause so much of their daily life is routine... they are on auto pilot. Right now, they know without thinking where the light switch is, how to get to the drugstore, who to call when a fuse goes out, plus there's neighbors who know who they are... but once they move and move 1400 miles away to a new place (& I'd bet visually very different), it's going to be 24/7 all on you. The concept of "monitor them almost daily" well good luck on that. I'd bet a case of Prosecco they are going to be constantly calling you. If your mom right now fires all help which your dad realistically needs & accuses them of stealing in an apartment she's knows & is accustomed to, she's going become unglued in a new place. It sounds like they really need a really good AL or perhaps MC or even NH? I'd suggest you get them both evaluated for level of care needed before moving them into a  house or IL situation. & pls check with her oncologist regarding follow up on her brain tumor with a referral & care plan to soak with the MD in your city regarding transferring her as a patient before the move.

I think you could rent the apartment to your parents with a rental contract to get around one of the problems mentioned. However I do think an elder attorney or estate planner would be wise to guide you through this decision. Do I understand correctly that you are already doing this same arrangement with your MIL?
I feel for your preteen. You might be gone quarterly now but it will seem like you are gone all the time when your parents move closer. You will most likely need more help than you are budgeting for. Regardless of whether you wait for a rental or purchase a home, your parents needs will increase and change as time goes by.
You can always sell the home if it doesn't work out the way you envision.
Closer makes more sense if they don't have a care network where they are living now.

There is so much to consider, so you are smart to do your research. I agree about seeing an attorney, accountant or financial planner. Lots of things to consider like taxes. Also, considering your parent's situation and what documents they need and are they valid in your state. I wouldn't skimp on getting good solid advice from experts, though, there are usually some great responses on this site.

I'd also consider how the new place may need to be fitted for safety features, like grab bars, ramps, doors widened , etc. (seniors can take a fall or lose mobility in a short time) could add up, plus, just because they say they will accept outside help now, doesn't mean they will when it comes to it.

You say your dad has dementia and your mom is accusing people of stealing....maybe, she's right, but, that is also a common symptom of cognitive decline. I might spend a least a few days with them in their home so you can observe just how able mom is to live alone and care for a spouse with dementia, even with outside help. It's a huge job and I would really question if one senior who is declining can do it for the other spouse who is even more affected.

LO's may promise to be cooperative and allow the helpers to help, but, sometimes, it doesn't work out that way and you end up getting calls around the clock. I'd read a lot of the experiences that others have encountered on this site just to see what can happen and how it can be a rather life changing experience. I hope you find answers that work for you.

With failing elders the last thing you want to do is buy real estate. I would advise looking for a senior living place that is progressive. Assisted living to skilled nursing care/memory care.

You'll have enough to worry about as things go downhill for your folks without the added hassles of upkeep on a house.

If they are paying the mortgage and taxes on a house that you own, there could be questions about asset diversion for Medicaid. You need an Elder Care attorney. That issue aside, you're solving a short-term problem (caring for elderly folks) with a long-term solution (home purchase).

Your idea of moving them closer is a wonderful idea. First choice is assisted living or a senior facility with caregivers available. Yes, it's more expensive than renting an apartment. But with their medical problems, they're going to need more help ANY TIME. If a senior facility isn't available, find an apartment or rent a house. Get them nearby. And remember, things will undoubtedly change within a year. You're just making a decision for that period of time.
Jamie