I need a break. Should I ask her to take Mom at least for the day so I can have time to myself?

I am sympathetic to your frustration. However - these are my words of advice:

You can't make a sibling who doesn't want to help - help.

You can't make a sibling care, when they don't.

However you ended up as your mothers caregiver- unless it was contingent upon and agreed upon that sister would help - this is the choice you made - even if it felt as if you really had no other choice.

Absolutely- it would be great if your sister would help out more - it's the right thing to do, afterall. BUT - this brings us full circle to - you can't make anyone help, who really doesn't want to.

So - now you're angry, frustrated and bitter over something that is likely not going to change - so quit hoping and thinking that it will. It won't.  Honestly- the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.

Annabelle, what are your mother's care needs? She's come to live with you, has she, in your house? Are you on your own with her or do you have a family as well as your job?

Sisters shmisters. It's actually much more important to figure out how you're going to make your plan workable without other family members so that it doesn't particularly bother you if she doesn't contribute - and don't despair, there will be a way.

How was it agreed upon that your mother would move in with you, and that you would be responsible for her caregiving?

Annabelle, the start of caregiving is often the worst for new caregivers. They feel they have to do everything perfectly on their own. Can you assess the financial aspects of your Mom's care and determine how you can bring in other helpers to reduce your stress and day to day care needs? Is this a permanent situation? Then Mom should be contributing. And if you see Medicaid as a possibility in the future, then you need a care contract to justify the outlay of Mom's money . You can shop on the internet for just about EVERYTHING and reduce those shopping trips. You can find a laundry that you can drop off (or some even pick up) and the laundry is washed, dried and folded. Get some houskeeping help - it's nice to come home to a clean house - that someone else cleaned. Is your Mom capable of helping - even with small things?
If you can tell us more about your Mom's needs, her age, etc others may have even more ideas.

Is there a non-profit adult day care in your area? They are often very reasonable for the services they provide. Also try searching "respite coalitions." We just got a small grant from a respite group to pay for someone to help. Your Area Agency on Ageing might have information on services.
Unfortunately, in my experience, once the siblings get another sibling in the position of being the caregiver they make themselves scarce.

Look for a local day-care program for seniors. MY Mom goes to one on fridays. It is available all the time...but, Friday is her "special" day. (And my only full day for myself).

How does your mom get along while you work? What are her care needs? What is/are her impairments? Mobility issues? Vision problems? Respiratory disease? Cancer? Dementia? Knowing these things will be helpful to our answers.

About your sister: Sure, ask her if she can invite Mom over for a full day. Just don't be surprised or disappointed if she says No (with a lot of excuses, of course).

Acknowledge that caring for your mother was your decision, and it still is your decision. It sounds like you bit off more than you can chew (a VERY common scenario) and you need to reassess what you can realistically do alone (or with the minimal help your sister is willing to provide).

It seems to me the first thing to address is being able to sleep through the night. Why isn't Mom quietly in bed when you are?

When you are getting a good night's sleep most nights it is much easier to keep daytime situations in perspective. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique after all -- it is very disruptive to normal functioning. So first and foremost solve that.

If Mom can be safely on her own at night, then your need is to muffle the noise she makes. Put felt furniture pads on the walker legs. Wear ear plugs. Use white noise or soft music to distract you.

But if Mom has safety issues when she is up during the night and you can't safely just muffle the noise, then if she is having insomnia or other sleep issues, talk to her doctor about that. Make it clear that this is not a trivial issue, and that you being able to keep mom at home depends on solving the sleep issues.

I think the sleep issue comes first. Then you can consider other aspects of your decision to care for Mom. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. She could live with you but go to an adult day care center. You could have help come in several days a week. Definitely hire household help like cleaners and yard work, if applicable. It doesn't have to be all on your shoulders. (And in this regard consider yourself an only child.) Even if you ultimately decide that Mom needs a care center, that doesn't mean you give up all caregiving responsibility.

But first, solve the sleep problem.

Thx it's not working out I can't handle the lack of sleep and lack of privacy there's nowhere else for her to go I'm afraid she's going to hurt or kill my cats u want to kill myself but I am too afraid she is so self centered I have to try to go to sleep I am going crazy I am going crazy crazy crazy.

Dear Annabelle,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and that you are at the end of your tether. Please call social services or 911 if you are feeling this desperate. I know its not easy to have all the burden and responsibility. But please know there are resources in the community that can help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't have to be your sister, other people will help you. Thinking of you.

Lack of sleep really does distort perceptions. I hope you are getting a good night's sleep now.

Annabelle, it is not true that "there's nowhere else for her to go." If you had a terrible accident and had to be in hospital and then rehab for weeks and weeks, the hospital social worker would notify the appropriate agency and Mom would be taken care of. Right now you don't know your way around the agencies and solving it all yourself seems overwhelming. No -- it doesn't seem that way, it IS that way! You've given it your best effort. It is not working out.

There is a way out for you. Hang in there until mom's care can be sorted out, without YOU being the solution. The standard way to go about this is to call your county's Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mother and explain that you very definitely cannot continue to care for her. But that will take some time (they are often backlogged with such requests). I have a feeling that this is much more urgent.

Call APS (Adult Protection Services) and explain the situation. Tell them that you are doing your best to take care of your mother but that you cannot continue. You keep thinking of killing yourself to get out from under this burden. You don't want that to happen, but you are desperate. Can they help? Or put you in touch with an agency that can help?

Annabelle, there is way out. It may take some time to put into place, but hang in there! This can be resolved.

Annabelle, biiiig hug!!!!!

You have taken the first step to seeking help by coming here.....

Sooo much Wisdom, Support, Advice, and Truely compassionate/blunt/loving people  are here to guide you through and down this awful, frustrating road.

Try to remember there's lots in your shoes, you are not alone...everyone handles each situation differently in their heart and mind but we are still the same.

Keep coming here for support, I guarantee the guidance and comfort you receive on this site will bring you peace and smiles and clarity!

It sure has untangled my mind!!!

Thinking of you,
Bella

thx everybody. I thought I was going to get to bed early tonight for once and right before bed she told me that she basically called someone from the internet and they scammed her out of her credit card into, money, personal info, etc. so now I am up dealing with that. my body and mind are so tired. the sleep thing is just awful. every night there is something. arrrrggghhhh

I can't do what I t suggesting I don't have the time or energy now I am sick I am going to lose my job she's horrible and selfish I'm really I'll tonight I can't do this she's destroying me

Annabelle, you really sound like you are in distress. Have you called your sister yet? I know you are exhausted and overwhelmed. It will get better; but someone else needs to take over for a bit. Please call your sister, tell her you are in over your head and are sleep deprived, and that you need help. If she won't help, call APS in your area.

If you want to post your state and what county or metropolitan area you are in, I'm pretty sure someone here would look up numbers (e.g. for DHS/APS and Dept. of Aging) if you can't.

Annabelle, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. LindyLu is right - PLEASE make just one call. I'd go for APS and say you're in crisis. Just talking to someone who understands the situation will be a start - not a miracle, but a start. Please do it!

Annabelle, I can only agree with LindyLu and Countrymouse. PLEASE reach out to someone NOW. You sound as though you need some company as well as practical support. Do you have a friend you could call who could come and stay with you for a few hours? Things seem so very much more desperate when you are alone.

finally getting a few minutes to answer everybody. thank you for the support and ideas I am working on it as best I can. I got better ear plugs and when I get my check I am going to order the tennis balls for her walker. I am drafting a letter to my sister asking her for help. haven't sent it yet. she is the obvious first choice for help (even though to be blunt I hate her) and it that doesn't work out I will try to look into outside agencies. it's weird people I don't know or who are acquaintances will stop me and tell me I look very tired or am I sick? they can see the exhaustion in my face. I didn't even know it showed that much. today mom and I went to the doctor and then shopping. where was sis? taking care of herself and doing what she please. I know I shouldn't let this get to me so much but it really does. any tips for dealing with the anger associated with dealing with dead beat siblings? even if she does start to help more it won't be because she wants to but because she is being pressured which also bothers me. it bothers me that she doesn't give a d*mn about my mom but is only "there" when it's convenient for her. that's pretty much it. I am still focusing on trying to get better and more sleep and number one priority and then I need to figure out a way not to go bankrupt since I am taking on 95% of her grocery expenses, paying the pet sitter and other mics stuff. I asked my sister to pay for the pet sitter this month and she wrote back about something else and didn't answer the question. deep breath. I am also trying to force myself to keep brushing my teeth and doing a little stretching here and there. wow, this is involved. thx again. I can use your ongoing support and ideas!

oh, and to answer a couple of your questions. after my mom had a stroke, I ended up as her care giver because no one else would do it and there was nowhere for her to go at that time and also I love her very very much and wanted to help. my sister flat out said she couldn't stay with her. mom has been with me three months and she hasn't even invited her over for a visit and she lives only half and hour away and my brother lives in another country and says he isn't planning on coming back. so, that's how that happened. my mom is 83. thank god she doesn't have dementia or anything but she uses a walker, has fallen before, had a stroke a few months ago, has mobility issues. I think she could live in her own apartment if someone were to check on her a couple of times a day but her home is in another state. I brought her here 500 miles away because I needed to come back for work. so we are trying to sort this all out. I don't feel good about her being alone though. she really should have someone around. plus, I don't want to live 500 miles away from her anymore with how she is currently doing. she terrible at cleaning and stuff too. leaves rotten food in fridge, has trouble opening her pill bottles and doesn't shut them properly, sometimes forgets to take pills, very tired and low energy...

I'm going to direct you back to Rainmom's post - you can't make a person care who doesn't want to. If you are so distanced from your sister that you can't pick up the phone to say "I'm dying here, I've made a horrible mistake, please, please watch mom so I can get some sleep...when I've had some rest and have a cleared head I'd like your help making a realistic plan for the future", then I doubt a letter will get the response you hope for, I expect sis will respond with a variation of " you've made your bed, nobody asked you to do it".

ok but there is something I don't understand about this. if I didn't take my mom in my sister and brother would have done nothing as far as I can tell. they would have left her in her home 500 miles from anyone poverty stricken, severe mobility issues, recent stroke, etc. she didn't want to go to assisted living and we didn't even have time to look into that before I needed to get back to work so what WERE my other choices? I feel like people HERE are saying "you made your bed and now you have to lie in it"... I think that is very unrealistic and cruel considering the situation. just because my sister and brother are a**holes, doesn't mean that I made a stupid choice. I think it was highly unethical to leave her alone and still do and yes, assisted living or in home care is something to consider but it isn't realistic to think it can be done immediately, at least in the situation I was in and ESP if my mom doesn't even want to go. I feel like I am being judged here in a way that is really unfair. very harsh. what the h*ll would YOU have done? Wow. excuse me for having a heart.

oh and also, I don't think I have made a "horrible mistake" wow. I think I did the right thing. like many other people on this site have done. and it's just very difficult. I didn't say I was giving up. I thought it was safe to vent here without being judged. maybe it's not.

Annabelle,
Your posts sound so desperate.

Most of the answers you have been given are from folks that have been in your shoes. If your sister was not involved from day one it is highly unlikely that she is going to help you now. Your posts sound like you need help now.  Or, that was my experience anyway.  The things you are going through with your Mom a lot of us have dealt with. It's not pretty. You have got to get some sleep. Can you or your Mom hire an aide thru an Agency to come in for a few hours at night so you can get some sleep.

Most Elderly folks do not want to go to Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. But if caring for your Mom alone is too much she won't have any choice if you become too ill or exhausted to care for her.

When an Elders care is more than we can provide we either have to hire someone to help or place our Loved One in a facility for our own health and sanity. A lot of us have been in your shoes. No one is judging you...just trying to help you out.

I hope you are okay. Hopefully sleeping.

thank you. I like the way you put that. I understand but this just started a few months ago and I am still trying to work it out. my mother has offered to go home again and live 500 miles from anyone as a "solution" but I don't feel good about that at all. what do you think of that? i'm sure my sister would not care. the problem is a have a very stressful job with long hours and I actually don't have much money. i'm going to try to hang in there a little longer and see if I can work some of this out before talking to my mom about going to assisted living. this is ugly on a lot of levels and it shouldn't be but it is... it's weird that I can't seem to get over my siblings reaction. it just floors me that they are letting me bite the dust like this. I asked my mom if she could be in her room tonight by 9:15 pm and then if I can be in bed by 9:30 pm and get to sleep that would be very good. I am very on edge.

Annabelle, I think it is natural in your situation to be very angry at your sister and brother. You are entitled to that anger. It is justified. But it isn't helping you cope with a very difficult situation, and it is sapping your energy. Vent your anger here. We understand. But at some point you are going to be better off just being indifferent to your siblings. You hate your sister and your brother is an a**hole. They don't sound worth the energy you are putting into hating them.

Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family? Sometimes childhood experiences affect what we do and how we feel as adults. I'm not trying to excuse your siblings, but I'm just saying sometimes there are reasons behind their decisions that are hidden.

Anyway, they are not going to help your mother. That is the reality. Accept that and move forward making plans for yourself and mother.

Here is the situation as I understand your description: You are not getting enough sleep at night because mother makes noise all night. Your mother is left alone all the hours you work, and you are not comfortable with that (for her sake). So night or day, things aren't really working out, as you've said repeatedly. Something has to change.

You absolutely HAVE to get some sleep. This is not optional any more. I am not blaming you. This is Not Your Fault. But it has to be remedied.

Please call Adult Protection Services and explain what you have told us here. Their job is to protect vulnerable adults. If you tell them that you can't go on caring for your mother without some respite, without getting sleep, they will need to investigate and come up with some solution to keep your mother safe while you get a break.

After you've had a break and catch up on sleep, that will be the time to consider other solutions. You've said it yourself ... you are going crazy, crazy, crazy. Well I don't think that is literally true. But you are very distressed and not yourself. You can't function at your normal best.

First and foremost, get a break and get some sleep. Call APS. Get the sleep problem solved.

Can you ask your mother's doctor to prescribe something to reset her sleep-wake cycle? I don't remember the name of the drug, but there is a drug for this; not melatonin which you can buy over the counter but check with the pharmacist first on the effectiveness of this for your mother as this may be an option. When you stated you're going to talk to your mother about assisted living, is it private pay? If so, then why not get an in-home caregiver while you're at work? This person can help keep your mother awake while you're at work...then at bedtime you both will sleep so good. This person can also take your mother to a day program at the local senior/community center. Getting very little sleep will eventually hit you - hard - and can become a safety issue for you, for your mother, or for others you encounter. If something were to happen to your mother which requires medical attention, and the medical staff after talking to you decides that you can't care for your mother, they can call APS to investigate...and this can get ugly. You need to get sleep so you can think clearly about what is you want to do for the both of you.

Annabelle,
You should be sleeping! Maybe you are and will read this tomorrow. First problem...which may be what's really driving you NUTZ...your sister. Does your sister think your Mom needs to be in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home? If she does then that may be why she is not falling all over herself to help you. Or your Mom drives her NUTZ too!! Or she doesn't want to put her life on hold indefinitely with taking care of your Mom. Honestly this could go on for years. Or she's like my sister and just couldn't handle seeing or being around my Mom for any length of time after Mom started declining. She could handle 15-20 minutes at a time...that's it. My husband is the same way. As you have learned being in your situation sucks.

If your Mom is giving out her personal info over the phone it really does sound like Mom doesn't need to be left alone. But expecting your siblings to rally around and stop their lives and each pull an 8 hour shift everyday is expecting a little much. I think that rarely happens in families. If you could get some rest and not be so on EDGE maybe you and your sister could talk calmly...away from Mom...in a quiet place...and decide what would be the safest option for Mom. If you guys decide she needs to be in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home maybe she would be willing to help with those details. If you and your sister could agree what is best for Mom then you could put a plan together. Like what to do with her home/apartment 500 miles away. Getting Mom signed up for Medicaid if she is not already. If your sister is doing some Drs appointments maybe she could handle the Medicaid end of this or contacting Medicaid if Mom is already signed up and see what resources Mom can get in your state.

The second problem...you mentioned you wanted "to be dead" and things like that. Those are some serious words. If you are feeling suicidal then you certainly, absolutely, don't wait another day, look up the number for Adult Protective Services and ask for help.

Keep hanging here Annabelle!
Agingcare support is what "rescued" my sanity and health!
I was as low to the ground as you are now...baby steps at first, I read a lot here, searched articles everyday, all hours of the night.

Dump the siblings

Hugs...IT WILL GET BETTER

Sorry if I came across as judgmental Annabelle, I understand that you made the best choices you could at the time of your mother's health crisis. The thing for we children who jump in to help is that when the crisis has ended we can find ourselves permanently locked into a role we did not plan for. It frustrates me to see you overwhelmed and drowning and seemingly disregarding the advice given to look at different solutions.

You say mom has no dementia, yet you have said she was living in squalor, she ignores her physical reality and proposes to return home with no supports, and most damning in my eyes she won't allow you to sleep at night, this is not the picture of a loving mom with all her faculties. I am not proposing you abandon her or that helping her initially was a mistake, but I do think that you need to focus on the reality that the current arrangement is not working. Give up the idea that you (and your sibs) are the only answer and  accept as many community supports as you can, many of which have already been suggested.

Annabelle, so sorry Sweetie, you do sound so frustrated, and at the end of your rope, but there are things you can do to help with your situation. First off, can you apply for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act), through your emplyer/human resources, at you job, which would give you some leeway, some time off work, where your job, and your benifits would guaranteed, and safe, and still be there, as you make some much needed changes at home, as you in list the kind of care needed to help you get your Mom settled?
I would definitely like to see you call your Local Area on Aging (every County in the US has one), and ask them to come out to your home, to have your Mom evaluated, and see what resources are available to her and you?

Do you still need to return to your Mom's old residence, and sort that all out, or gave you closed up her home, and moved all her thing to your place, and or storage?

This is all so stressful, and I understand, it's all been put on your, the only child who Stepped Up to the task, but there is help out there, you "just" need to find it, and that take time, and of course, you don't/you Can't lose your job and security!

It's really unfortunate, you being the Only child that stepped up, but it's obvious, that you Love your Mom, and would never leave her stranded, with no one there to help her, and that means you are a kind and thoughtful daughter, and you can do this, find her the nessesary resources she needs, whether it be living with you for a time, or getting her into some sort of residential care.

Does she own her own home, does that need to be sold, does she have any income, savings, investment monies, that could help in choosing home health care, adult daycare, Assisted living?

Would your Mom be able to manage alone, in a nearby Senior Apartment? I know that there is so much to consider, but please don't let your situation get you to the point of feeling suicidal or desperate, as that is not a good place for either of you!

Unfortunately, your siblings are behaving like deadbeats at the moment, and maybe they will help, or mayb6not, but you shouldn't focus your energy on them right now. The anger eats you up inside, but it doesn't help you situation. I know, as we've been caring for much FIL in our home for 13 years, without Any help from my husband's 2 siblings, they are A**holes!

I would reach out to your sister, but try not to get personal or angry, just state the facts, that Mom needs us both, to help her to find a solution on where and how to live, hopefully close enough to both of you, so that she can continue to have relationships with you both, and can be loved, cared for and safe!

I do hope you find some support, and quickly, as this is a very dificult job, caring for a parent, and not having anyone else to rely on. Make a list, and start reaching out to your local resources, and hopefully soon, you will begin to feel better about the situation. Pat yourself on the back, give Mom a hug and Good luck!

Annabelle, it sounds like you've been doing a little better, so that's good! I know, it is hard when a family member needs help, sometimes you have to jump in without having time to plan.

The best thing you can do -- aside from getting your sleep -- is to figure out what your mom (and you) need in terms of help and support, and then figuring out what resources are available to you. Your sister may not want to bring your mom to her house, but she has taken her to appointments, so that at least shows a willingness to help! (Some people have siblings in the same town who don't do as much in a year.)

Here are some questions that might help guide you:

Is your mom able to pay her bills on her own, financially but also in terms of keeping up with the paperwork?

Is your mom able to follow a multi-step set of instructions? (eg if you give her a recipe, can she follow the whole thing through correctly? Or if you tell her how to use the tv remote, can she remember what you tell her?)

Does your mom understand everything said to her at doctor's appointments?

Is she able to make and remember her appointments?

Is she able to keep track of her medications and take the right meds at the right times?

Does your mom seem unsettled when left on her own? If so, is it because she can't physically do things for herself, or is she generally anxious to be alone for another reason?

What Activities of Daily Living (ADL's) can she do on her own? What does she need assistance with? Think of everything: meal prep, dressing, bathing, pills, appointments, socializing, groceries, etc. (These things you will need to have a list of when you talk to her dr or the Area Agency on Aging staff so it is good to prep ahead of time.)

If your mom is having trouble with the above activities, she may have been affected by her stroke and/or she might have very early dementia. There are many forms of dementia besides Alzheimer's. With your mom's stroke, it is possible that she could have a form of vascular dementia, for example. With my grandma, the main feature was losing the ability to follow complicated (multi-step) information or tasks. She didn't prioritize bills, or taking care of things she used to. Regardless, having a handle on what your mom's needs are will help you, her doctor, and the people from the Area Agency on Aging develop a specific plan for how to get your mom and you some help.

It was hard for us to have outside caregivers into the house. However they were a huge help. It is also really nice for the elder to have contact with other friendly people, and if you were to have a work obligation, or to come down with the flu or something, there is another person you can lean on for help.

I would try to contact the AAA sooner than later (and this is something where your sister could help if you think she will represent your mom's situation accurately) because the programs run by each AAA are a partnership between the local, state and federal governments. We saw changes throughout the Bush and Obama presidencies to our local programs, as a direct result of changes to federal policy. If you can get your mom enrolled in some local programs (e.g. Meals on Wheels) it will be better than waiting till the current administration starts trying to make more cuts.