I need a break. Should I ask her to take Mom at least for the day so I can have time to myself?

Annabelle, I've been thinking about you, and hoping that your situation is slowly improving with your Mom, and you getting enough rest and additional help with caring for her! Yes, getting good sleep makes everything better!

Regarding those pesky neighbors! In most towns and cities, there are noise ordinances, usually 10pm, and you can call the police to shut them down, if they really keeping you up past a certain hour. I'd definitely call them, if they don't lighten up! The police can explain that you are caring for a vulnerable senior, so "have heart, huh?" It can also be anonymous if you prefer not to engage in them.

I know that you have had lot of helpful suggestions from the senior caregivers here, and believe me, they have been a lifesaver to Me, many a time! They do all means well, and some of their suggestions might work, others may not, and nobody expects you to "get um all done", in any sort of time frame.

Heck, I've been on this website for 7-8 years now, reading, asking for help and ideas, in the caring of my own FIL, who has lived with us for 13 plus years now.

Finally, and this weekend in fact, he is moving into Assisted living, just a few blocks from us! So yes, things can change, but they often do take time, and depending on your own timetables yourlifestyle, your own frustration level, and what you can put up for, and for how long, things can, do and Will get better! But you do have to keep reaching our to other, here and in your community. My husband's 2 siblings are a joke, and have Never been any he to us, Never, so I totally get your anger there!

Have you considered selling your Mom's home, and putting her money from the sale towards her care? Maybe she is well enough to live in a Senior subsidized Apartment, or go into Assisted living?

That would surely get her more independent of you, and you of her, more importantly, so that you can get back to living your own life, and resuming your "normal" Mother/daughter relationship?

This is something we are very much looking forward to, just being able to have a life of our own, after caring for our 4 parents all these years, and after raising our 4 kids to successful adulthood! Of course we will still be looking after my FIL, just in a different way.

Finally, my husband and I will be able to work on our marriage, which actually needs a lot of work, as we've spent the last 32 years caring for our family! I sure hope I still even LIKE him, once the focus is on us, rather than on others, Lol!

Just know that you are not alone in this crazy caregiving role, and to give the kind folks here Big Thanks, for even offering great suggestions, and for the Awesome friendships you will find here along your caregiving journey! I do see that you have done this and shown your appreciation!

From one mutual caregiver to another, God Bless, and Take Care of YOU! Love, Stacey B

i'm sorry about my last post. that was ungrateful. people here have helped a lot. it was 3 am or something and I just felt really alone. I can't remember why I wasn't sleeping. now the neighbors are having a party which is really too bad. I was trying so hard to get to sleep early tonight. I did call a counsellor and aging and adult services. had to leave messages with both. we'll see. with my siblings it is easier to just make a clean break with them, esp. sister but with what is going on it's not a great option. wow, the neighbors are being so noisy. why is it every single night something keeps me up? arrhhgg. anyway, I am plugging along here. someone I work with talked to me today about my situation. that was nice. she helps to take care of her MIL but doesn't live with her which she agrees makes a huge difference. I still plan to send the email I wrote asking for more help to my sister when I get a spare minute. thank you all for writing. i'm sorry that when I post sometimes I am in an incredibly bad mood. sometimes, the things I say I guess you have to take with a grain of salt or whatever because when I am really upset I am not very rational. oh, how I wish the neighbors would shut up. bet they are out there until like midnight. why is it so hard to get one good night's sleep. I would like to move out to the country where it is quiet every night and I would just absorb and relax into the silence. thanks again everyone. i'm just plugging away here doing the best I can. thx for the support.

Annabelle, I'm so sorry. Is it your mom who is keeping you up still?

Middle of night feel awful feel like I need to make clean break with siblings. Maybe quit job then sleep called Counsellor and aging care so what I just need to sleep people on here don't fully understand my life isn't feasible people aren't helping just lecturing at me I don't need advice I need a kind friend money sleep

I have just read through all of the posts. Let me start by saying you are wonderful and need to find some help...but it will probably not come from your sister right now. I don't think people are saying, "you made your bed now lie in it" in the way you are taking it. But, each person must make their own decisions and if you want them to understand you, you have to see their position too. You are a loving caring daughter who really wants to be able to care for her mother. You brought her home to live with you with the intention of caring for her. Your sister did not decide that. She may too love you mother but know that she cannot handle caring for her full-time or even part-time right now, or ever. She only wants to visit occasionally. Your decision can't dictate or overthrow her decision.
Let me share about my sister and me. My sister's relationship with Mom was always much closer than mine. She lived a life style closer to that of my mom's and they did lots together. I was seldom invited. As a matter of fact, I was told I was not welcome at my mom's house unless invited...and the invites were few and far between. I know they both love me, but my focus was always my children and their focus was different. When my mom was diagnosed in 2009, my sister would go over with my mom a few times a week to help her and our step dad out. I offered but was not wanted. As my mom progressed, they decided they needed my help more and more. At times I could offer once a week, sometimes more. It was a bit challenging. I had a husband (who my parents didn't love), 5 adult children, grandchildren, and a full-time job. One daughter was living out of state and I was making the 7 hour drive every other week to go there and assist her family. My mom lives 45 minutes from me so to go pick her up for the day involves 3 hours of driving...there and back twice. She was welcome to go to work with me or come home with me but picking her up and getting to work on time was tough. At that time, my step dad didn't want us to come hang out at the house...just take Mom away for the daytime. It was challenging but I did what I could. My sister was always frustrated that I didn't do as much as she did. I felt bad, but was doing all I could. Mom progressed further (about 5 years ago) and my daughter's​ family returned to our area (her husband had been doing a medical residency). I was able to help more. My sister could handle less, emotionally. Now I was going more, sis less. Mom had a couple if falls, no injuries, but my step dad couldn't get her up. Now he knew he needed to let me help more. My employer allowed me to go to working mostly from home. My husband and I started staying at their house nights, then bringing mom to our home in the daytime. It was killing us going back and forth and mom was getting much worse. At that point my sister was helping once a week, then she called and said she was ill and couldn't help until the doctor cleared her, that was 2 1/2 years ago. She has never started doing any set days again. A little over a year ago, we moved mom into our house. At this point, mom is totally bedridden, she talks or yells all night if I am not in the room (I have a recliner). She has to have her briefs changed every 2-3 hours as she is totally incontinent. I give her a bed bath twice per week. She has to be hand fed and given fluids, with prompting to swallow. She says mean things to me but I just respond, "I love you mama" and continue on. My step dad comes twice a week to visit for about an hour. My sister has come 5 times to visit. I understand that she just can't do it... Emotionally and physically... And it is okay. We each have done what we could, when we could. I don't have any expectations of her. By the way, we have a brother too. He has seen mom maybe twice a year.
I guess my point is that you are only hurting yourself by hating your sister. Don't wait for her to help. Focus on finding ways to deal with mom's situation and still keep your life. You can change your decision if you need to. Medicaid is there to provide for her if you can't. Look at day care, or in home care givers.
Good luck and don't push yourself past what you can do. Take care of your self too.

Annabelle, thanks for that clarification. So the situation seems to be this: Your mother whom you love very much lived 500 miles from you. She owns her home. She had a stroke. You didn't want to leave her on her own so far from you, so you brought her to stay with you.

It is now three months later. The doctors say that she has recovered well from the stroke and that she can live on her own. She has no cognitive problems. You are overwhelmed with having someone living with you, and you also don't have the energy to explore other options.

The one option you are stuck on is having help from your brother and sister. They are not willing to provide any hands-on help, though they do provide small sums of money. You seem convinced that there must be a way to get them to help you. Your family was dysfunctional while you were all growing up.

Is that a pretty accurate summary?

Annabelle, some of your posts have sounded desperate. You are clearly very distressed over this entire situation. I am glad to hear you say, "I was thinking of calling a mental health counselor for myself." Reaching out on this forum was a good start but I'm afraid it isn't enough. Seeing a trained person face-to-face is the next step. Annabelle, you DESERVE a chance at happiness. You deserve to enjoy the love you have for your mother, without so much stress. You deserve support in this distressing situation. Yes, you are very tired and getting yourself into an appointment will be tough. But you deserve it!

Please keep posting here. We've come to know you a little bit and to care for you. And also reach out to professionals.

thx everybody. I've read through most of your answers and I really appreciate the support. the reason I haven't reached out yet for outside support is that I have been too busy with work and just taking care of mom and everything. I have pets, too. also, to clarify a little because I think there might be some misunderstanding, my mom is actually able to be alone during the day and night. she is lucid, pays her bills (when she has enough money), but she is elderly and uses a walker and just needs help here and there with a variety of things. her doctor said it would be fine for her to be alone but that she should live near a family member, like in the same city. that's the problem. the house she owns is 500 miles away from her family and any friends. when she had her health crisis, I rushed up there and we (me and her mainly) that the best thing to do in the short time we had to deal with it was for her to come back with me so I could keep my job while we tried to sort it all out. I do have fmla for this situation thank god and that's a help. it's just there are a bunch of issues to deal with and it also has put me back in contact with my two siblings who I basically had nothing to do with for the last 15 years or so. my brother physically assaulted me and he lives in a foreign country and my sister is a very narcissistic and person who basically doesn't want to get involved because she doesn't want to bother with helping another person in her family if there is nothing in it for her. I did grow up in a dysfunctional family but I absolutely don't feel that gives my siblings a pass on helping out. I am going to write my sister and brother an email, actually it's mainly done, and send that and see what happens. my mom is really broke and that is not helping because I am paying for most of her expenses here such as food, her pet sitter, misc stuff, etc. my brother and sister have helped financially but the burden is still much more on me financially. and like I said, especially with my sister, relating to my siblings drives me crazy. even if I have to accept that they aren't going to help much or enough and I bring in outside sources for help, they still want to interact with my mom when it's convenient for them. this also drives me bonkers. so it's ok for me to be completely trashed and do all the dirty work but they just float in when it suits them and have a short visit and leave? has anyone else out there dealt with that kind of thing and how did you do it? so anyway, I am slowly working toward improving things and I think things are improving very slowly but it is a lot of work. I do agree that sleep is very important. I was thinking of calling a mental health counsellor for myself but I don't know if i'd even have the energy to go esp. if it was on a day off and I needed to rest.
anyway, I will keep posting here, it helps. some of the comments I felt were a little harsh although I know they are well meaning. please be gentle with me. I am having a difficult time and I am well aware of needing to reach out for help, etc. but I don't need to be reprimanded for not doing things that are suggested or doing them quickly enough or whatever. that doesn't feel helpful to me. anyway, thanks again. I am going to try to get to bed early again tonight.

Annabelle, it sounds like you've been doing a little better, so that's good! I know, it is hard when a family member needs help, sometimes you have to jump in without having time to plan.

The best thing you can do -- aside from getting your sleep -- is to figure out what your mom (and you) need in terms of help and support, and then figuring out what resources are available to you. Your sister may not want to bring your mom to her house, but she has taken her to appointments, so that at least shows a willingness to help! (Some people have siblings in the same town who don't do as much in a year.)

Here are some questions that might help guide you:

Is your mom able to pay her bills on her own, financially but also in terms of keeping up with the paperwork?

Is your mom able to follow a multi-step set of instructions? (eg if you give her a recipe, can she follow the whole thing through correctly? Or if you tell her how to use the tv remote, can she remember what you tell her?)

Does your mom understand everything said to her at doctor's appointments?

Is she able to make and remember her appointments?

Is she able to keep track of her medications and take the right meds at the right times?

Does your mom seem unsettled when left on her own? If so, is it because she can't physically do things for herself, or is she generally anxious to be alone for another reason?

What Activities of Daily Living (ADL's) can she do on her own? What does she need assistance with? Think of everything: meal prep, dressing, bathing, pills, appointments, socializing, groceries, etc. (These things you will need to have a list of when you talk to her dr or the Area Agency on Aging staff so it is good to prep ahead of time.)

If your mom is having trouble with the above activities, she may have been affected by her stroke and/or she might have very early dementia. There are many forms of dementia besides Alzheimer's. With your mom's stroke, it is possible that she could have a form of vascular dementia, for example. With my grandma, the main feature was losing the ability to follow complicated (multi-step) information or tasks. She didn't prioritize bills, or taking care of things she used to. Regardless, having a handle on what your mom's needs are will help you, her doctor, and the people from the Area Agency on Aging develop a specific plan for how to get your mom and you some help.

It was hard for us to have outside caregivers into the house. However they were a huge help. It is also really nice for the elder to have contact with other friendly people, and if you were to have a work obligation, or to come down with the flu or something, there is another person you can lean on for help.

I would try to contact the AAA sooner than later (and this is something where your sister could help if you think she will represent your mom's situation accurately) because the programs run by each AAA are a partnership between the local, state and federal governments. We saw changes throughout the Bush and Obama presidencies to our local programs, as a direct result of changes to federal policy. If you can get your mom enrolled in some local programs (e.g. Meals on Wheels) it will be better than waiting till the current administration starts trying to make more cuts.

Annabelle, so sorry Sweetie, you do sound so frustrated, and at the end of your rope, but there are things you can do to help with your situation. First off, can you apply for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act), through your emplyer/human resources, at you job, which would give you some leeway, some time off work, where your job, and your benifits would guaranteed, and safe, and still be there, as you make some much needed changes at home, as you in list the kind of care needed to help you get your Mom settled?
I would definitely like to see you call your Local Area on Aging (every County in the US has one), and ask them to come out to your home, to have your Mom evaluated, and see what resources are available to her and you?

Do you still need to return to your Mom's old residence, and sort that all out, or gave you closed up her home, and moved all her thing to your place, and or storage?

This is all so stressful, and I understand, it's all been put on your, the only child who Stepped Up to the task, but there is help out there, you "just" need to find it, and that take time, and of course, you don't/you Can't lose your job and security!

It's really unfortunate, you being the Only child that stepped up, but it's obvious, that you Love your Mom, and would never leave her stranded, with no one there to help her, and that means you are a kind and thoughtful daughter, and you can do this, find her the nessesary resources she needs, whether it be living with you for a time, or getting her into some sort of residential care.

Does she own her own home, does that need to be sold, does she have any income, savings, investment monies, that could help in choosing home health care, adult daycare, Assisted living?

Would your Mom be able to manage alone, in a nearby Senior Apartment? I know that there is so much to consider, but please don't let your situation get you to the point of feeling suicidal or desperate, as that is not a good place for either of you!

Unfortunately, your siblings are behaving like deadbeats at the moment, and maybe they will help, or mayb6not, but you shouldn't focus your energy on them right now. The anger eats you up inside, but it doesn't help you situation. I know, as we've been caring for much FIL in our home for 13 years, without Any help from my husband's 2 siblings, they are A**holes!

I would reach out to your sister, but try not to get personal or angry, just state the facts, that Mom needs us both, to help her to find a solution on where and how to live, hopefully close enough to both of you, so that she can continue to have relationships with you both, and can be loved, cared for and safe!

I do hope you find some support, and quickly, as this is a very dificult job, caring for a parent, and not having anyone else to rely on. Make a list, and start reaching out to your local resources, and hopefully soon, you will begin to feel better about the situation. Pat yourself on the back, give Mom a hug and Good luck!

Sorry if I came across as judgmental Annabelle, I understand that you made the best choices you could at the time of your mother's health crisis. The thing for we children who jump in to help is that when the crisis has ended we can find ourselves permanently locked into a role we did not plan for. It frustrates me to see you overwhelmed and drowning and seemingly disregarding the advice given to look at different solutions.

You say mom has no dementia, yet you have said she was living in squalor, she ignores her physical reality and proposes to return home with no supports, and most damning in my eyes she won't allow you to sleep at night, this is not the picture of a loving mom with all her faculties. I am not proposing you abandon her or that helping her initially was a mistake, but I do think that you need to focus on the reality that the current arrangement is not working. Give up the idea that you (and your sibs) are the only answer and  accept as many community supports as you can, many of which have already been suggested.

Keep hanging here Annabelle!
Agingcare support is what "rescued" my sanity and health!
I was as low to the ground as you are now...baby steps at first, I read a lot here, searched articles everyday, all hours of the night.

Dump the siblings

Hugs...IT WILL GET BETTER

Annabelle,
You should be sleeping! Maybe you are and will read this tomorrow. First problem...which may be what's really driving you NUTZ...your sister. Does your sister think your Mom needs to be in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home? If she does then that may be why she is not falling all over herself to help you. Or your Mom drives her NUTZ too!! Or she doesn't want to put her life on hold indefinitely with taking care of your Mom. Honestly this could go on for years. Or she's like my sister and just couldn't handle seeing or being around my Mom for any length of time after Mom started declining. She could handle 15-20 minutes at a time...that's it. My husband is the same way. As you have learned being in your situation sucks.

If your Mom is giving out her personal info over the phone it really does sound like Mom doesn't need to be left alone. But expecting your siblings to rally around and stop their lives and each pull an 8 hour shift everyday is expecting a little much. I think that rarely happens in families. If you could get some rest and not be so on EDGE maybe you and your sister could talk calmly...away from Mom...in a quiet place...and decide what would be the safest option for Mom. If you guys decide she needs to be in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home maybe she would be willing to help with those details. If you and your sister could agree what is best for Mom then you could put a plan together. Like what to do with her home/apartment 500 miles away. Getting Mom signed up for Medicaid if she is not already. If your sister is doing some Drs appointments maybe she could handle the Medicaid end of this or contacting Medicaid if Mom is already signed up and see what resources Mom can get in your state.

The second problem...you mentioned you wanted "to be dead" and things like that. Those are some serious words. If you are feeling suicidal then you certainly, absolutely, don't wait another day, look up the number for Adult Protective Services and ask for help.

Can you ask your mother's doctor to prescribe something to reset her sleep-wake cycle? I don't remember the name of the drug, but there is a drug for this; not melatonin which you can buy over the counter but check with the pharmacist first on the effectiveness of this for your mother as this may be an option. When you stated you're going to talk to your mother about assisted living, is it private pay? If so, then why not get an in-home caregiver while you're at work? This person can help keep your mother awake while you're at work...then at bedtime you both will sleep so good. This person can also take your mother to a day program at the local senior/community center. Getting very little sleep will eventually hit you - hard - and can become a safety issue for you, for your mother, or for others you encounter. If something were to happen to your mother which requires medical attention, and the medical staff after talking to you decides that you can't care for your mother, they can call APS to investigate...and this can get ugly. You need to get sleep so you can think clearly about what is you want to do for the both of you.

Annabelle, I think it is natural in your situation to be very angry at your sister and brother. You are entitled to that anger. It is justified. But it isn't helping you cope with a very difficult situation, and it is sapping your energy. Vent your anger here. We understand. But at some point you are going to be better off just being indifferent to your siblings. You hate your sister and your brother is an a**hole. They don't sound worth the energy you are putting into hating them.

Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family? Sometimes childhood experiences affect what we do and how we feel as adults. I'm not trying to excuse your siblings, but I'm just saying sometimes there are reasons behind their decisions that are hidden.

Anyway, they are not going to help your mother. That is the reality. Accept that and move forward making plans for yourself and mother.

Here is the situation as I understand your description: You are not getting enough sleep at night because mother makes noise all night. Your mother is left alone all the hours you work, and you are not comfortable with that (for her sake). So night or day, things aren't really working out, as you've said repeatedly. Something has to change.

You absolutely HAVE to get some sleep. This is not optional any more. I am not blaming you. This is Not Your Fault. But it has to be remedied.

Please call Adult Protection Services and explain what you have told us here. Their job is to protect vulnerable adults. If you tell them that you can't go on caring for your mother without some respite, without getting sleep, they will need to investigate and come up with some solution to keep your mother safe while you get a break.

After you've had a break and catch up on sleep, that will be the time to consider other solutions. You've said it yourself ... you are going crazy, crazy, crazy. Well I don't think that is literally true. But you are very distressed and not yourself. You can't function at your normal best.

First and foremost, get a break and get some sleep. Call APS. Get the sleep problem solved.

thank you. I like the way you put that. I understand but this just started a few months ago and I am still trying to work it out. my mother has offered to go home again and live 500 miles from anyone as a "solution" but I don't feel good about that at all. what do you think of that? i'm sure my sister would not care. the problem is a have a very stressful job with long hours and I actually don't have much money. i'm going to try to hang in there a little longer and see if I can work some of this out before talking to my mom about going to assisted living. this is ugly on a lot of levels and it shouldn't be but it is... it's weird that I can't seem to get over my siblings reaction. it just floors me that they are letting me bite the dust like this. I asked my mom if she could be in her room tonight by 9:15 pm and then if I can be in bed by 9:30 pm and get to sleep that would be very good. I am very on edge.

Annabelle,
Your posts sound so desperate.

Most of the answers you have been given are from folks that have been in your shoes. If your sister was not involved from day one it is highly unlikely that she is going to help you now. Your posts sound like you need help now.  Or, that was my experience anyway.  The things you are going through with your Mom a lot of us have dealt with. It's not pretty. You have got to get some sleep. Can you or your Mom hire an aide thru an Agency to come in for a few hours at night so you can get some sleep.

Most Elderly folks do not want to go to Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. But if caring for your Mom alone is too much she won't have any choice if you become too ill or exhausted to care for her.

When an Elders care is more than we can provide we either have to hire someone to help or place our Loved One in a facility for our own health and sanity. A lot of us have been in your shoes. No one is judging you...just trying to help you out.

I hope you are okay. Hopefully sleeping.

oh and also, I don't think I have made a "horrible mistake" wow. I think I did the right thing. like many other people on this site have done. and it's just very difficult. I didn't say I was giving up. I thought it was safe to vent here without being judged. maybe it's not.

ok but there is something I don't understand about this. if I didn't take my mom in my sister and brother would have done nothing as far as I can tell. they would have left her in her home 500 miles from anyone poverty stricken, severe mobility issues, recent stroke, etc. she didn't want to go to assisted living and we didn't even have time to look into that before I needed to get back to work so what WERE my other choices? I feel like people HERE are saying "you made your bed and now you have to lie in it"... I think that is very unrealistic and cruel considering the situation. just because my sister and brother are a**holes, doesn't mean that I made a stupid choice. I think it was highly unethical to leave her alone and still do and yes, assisted living or in home care is something to consider but it isn't realistic to think it can be done immediately, at least in the situation I was in and ESP if my mom doesn't even want to go. I feel like I am being judged here in a way that is really unfair. very harsh. what the h*ll would YOU have done? Wow. excuse me for having a heart.

I'm going to direct you back to Rainmom's post - you can't make a person care who doesn't want to. If you are so distanced from your sister that you can't pick up the phone to say "I'm dying here, I've made a horrible mistake, please, please watch mom so I can get some sleep...when I've had some rest and have a cleared head I'd like your help making a realistic plan for the future", then I doubt a letter will get the response you hope for, I expect sis will respond with a variation of " you've made your bed, nobody asked you to do it".

oh, and to answer a couple of your questions. after my mom had a stroke, I ended up as her care giver because no one else would do it and there was nowhere for her to go at that time and also I love her very very much and wanted to help. my sister flat out said she couldn't stay with her. mom has been with me three months and she hasn't even invited her over for a visit and she lives only half and hour away and my brother lives in another country and says he isn't planning on coming back. so, that's how that happened. my mom is 83. thank god she doesn't have dementia or anything but she uses a walker, has fallen before, had a stroke a few months ago, has mobility issues. I think she could live in her own apartment if someone were to check on her a couple of times a day but her home is in another state. I brought her here 500 miles away because I needed to come back for work. so we are trying to sort this all out. I don't feel good about her being alone though. she really should have someone around. plus, I don't want to live 500 miles away from her anymore with how she is currently doing. she terrible at cleaning and stuff too. leaves rotten food in fridge, has trouble opening her pill bottles and doesn't shut them properly, sometimes forgets to take pills, very tired and low energy...

finally getting a few minutes to answer everybody. thank you for the support and ideas I am working on it as best I can. I got better ear plugs and when I get my check I am going to order the tennis balls for her walker. I am drafting a letter to my sister asking her for help. haven't sent it yet. she is the obvious first choice for help (even though to be blunt I hate her) and it that doesn't work out I will try to look into outside agencies. it's weird people I don't know or who are acquaintances will stop me and tell me I look very tired or am I sick? they can see the exhaustion in my face. I didn't even know it showed that much. today mom and I went to the doctor and then shopping. where was sis? taking care of herself and doing what she please. I know I shouldn't let this get to me so much but it really does. any tips for dealing with the anger associated with dealing with dead beat siblings? even if she does start to help more it won't be because she wants to but because she is being pressured which also bothers me. it bothers me that she doesn't give a d*mn about my mom but is only "there" when it's convenient for her. that's pretty much it. I am still focusing on trying to get better and more sleep and number one priority and then I need to figure out a way not to go bankrupt since I am taking on 95% of her grocery expenses, paying the pet sitter and other mics stuff. I asked my sister to pay for the pet sitter this month and she wrote back about something else and didn't answer the question. deep breath. I am also trying to force myself to keep brushing my teeth and doing a little stretching here and there. wow, this is involved. thx again. I can use your ongoing support and ideas!

Annabelle, I can only agree with LindyLu and Countrymouse. PLEASE reach out to someone NOW. You sound as though you need some company as well as practical support. Do you have a friend you could call who could come and stay with you for a few hours? Things seem so very much more desperate when you are alone.

Annabelle, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. LindyLu is right - PLEASE make just one call. I'd go for APS and say you're in crisis. Just talking to someone who understands the situation will be a start - not a miracle, but a start. Please do it!

Annabelle, you really sound like you are in distress. Have you called your sister yet? I know you are exhausted and overwhelmed. It will get better; but someone else needs to take over for a bit. Please call your sister, tell her you are in over your head and are sleep deprived, and that you need help. If she won't help, call APS in your area.

If you want to post your state and what county or metropolitan area you are in, I'm pretty sure someone here would look up numbers (e.g. for DHS/APS and Dept. of Aging) if you can't.

I can't do what I t suggesting I don't have the time or energy now I am sick I am going to lose my job she's horrible and selfish I'm really I'll tonight I can't do this she's destroying me

thx everybody. I thought I was going to get to bed early tonight for once and right before bed she told me that she basically called someone from the internet and they scammed her out of her credit card into, money, personal info, etc. so now I am up dealing with that. my body and mind are so tired. the sleep thing is just awful. every night there is something. arrrrggghhhh

Annabelle, biiiig hug!!!!!

You have taken the first step to seeking help by coming here.....

Sooo much Wisdom, Support, Advice, and Truely compassionate/blunt/loving people  are here to guide you through and down this awful, frustrating road.

Try to remember there's lots in your shoes, you are not alone...everyone handles each situation differently in their heart and mind but we are still the same.

Keep coming here for support, I guarantee the guidance and comfort you receive on this site will bring you peace and smiles and clarity!

It sure has untangled my mind!!!

Thinking of you,
Bella

Lack of sleep really does distort perceptions. I hope you are getting a good night's sleep now.

Annabelle, it is not true that "there's nowhere else for her to go." If you had a terrible accident and had to be in hospital and then rehab for weeks and weeks, the hospital social worker would notify the appropriate agency and Mom would be taken care of. Right now you don't know your way around the agencies and solving it all yourself seems overwhelming. No -- it doesn't seem that way, it IS that way! You've given it your best effort. It is not working out.

There is a way out for you. Hang in there until mom's care can be sorted out, without YOU being the solution. The standard way to go about this is to call your county's Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for your mother and explain that you very definitely cannot continue to care for her. But that will take some time (they are often backlogged with such requests). I have a feeling that this is much more urgent.

Call APS (Adult Protection Services) and explain the situation. Tell them that you are doing your best to take care of your mother but that you cannot continue. You keep thinking of killing yourself to get out from under this burden. You don't want that to happen, but you are desperate. Can they help? Or put you in touch with an agency that can help?

Annabelle, there is way out. It may take some time to put into place, but hang in there! This can be resolved.

Dear Annabelle,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and that you are at the end of your tether. Please call social services or 911 if you are feeling this desperate. I know its not easy to have all the burden and responsibility. But please know there are resources in the community that can help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't have to be your sister, other people will help you. Thinking of you.

Thx it's not working out I can't handle the lack of sleep and lack of privacy there's nowhere else for her to go I'm afraid she's going to hurt or kill my cats u want to kill myself but I am too afraid she is so self centered I have to try to go to sleep I am going crazy I am going crazy crazy crazy.