Help! How do you keep from exploding. And if you don’t speak-up how do you keep from being eaten alive from the inside out? I’ve been on this Care sight for years, I’ve read tons of books and have seen a psychologist. I’ve heard all the recommendations about “taking care of myself”, I get it. I’m doing everything I can to save myself. BUT, I feel as if I’ve got a cement block tied to my ankle every day of my life, every minute of my life. Never, ever have I done so much for such abuse in return. With everyday that goes by my 90 year old mother gets nastier, more domineering, spiteful and divisive. She’s jealous and resentful of my friendships and has always attempted to create friction amongst her children.
She lives very well, independently and largely on my dime. I’ve bitten my tongue raw, internalized the stress and now I feel it’s affecting my health. It’s only gotten worse since the pandemic. I learned a while ago that when I express any frustration whatsoever it’s met with retaliation. I’m tired or venting to my friends, and it’s obvious they’re tired of hearing it. They listen and say, gee I’m sorry. I don’t know where to turn. I have six siblings who won’t deal with her and use her personality as their excuse. I’ve given up on thinking there’s any support there.
Can anyone tell me, an I wrong for not speaking up and then suffering the retaliation?
I'm sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. I'm not sure about your Mother's health. My Mom is acting this way, and we would often have arguments as she was very accusatory towards me. Say awful things to me and because of it I didn't trust her to be alone with my 3 year old daughter. Since then we have been able to get her to a neurologist that diagnosed her with dementia. Is has helped to know and understand what is going on with her and what she says most of the time rolls off me and I do what I need to do, but I don't live with her. I don't engage any of her comments at any time, seems to just add fuel to the fire.
A friend of mine that I was actually talking to today, said my Mother knows I will never leave her and will do what I can do to help her no matter what. Because of her diagnoses, she also said that she doesn't understand what she is saying and how it is coming out. Its different then what she wants to say in her mind.
If you have siblings, they should be responsible for her as much as you are. If there are 6 of you break up the calendar, 2 months each for each one to take care of her. Even if they live out of town, can your Mother go there and stay with them for 2 months? If not, will they help you, financially, in providing more care to your Mother so you have more time to your self? You need the break, time to your self and I know it is not easy.
I hope this provides you some help, wish I could be more helpful to you.
Good luck!
I wonder the same things you're wondering but since she doesn't live with you you have the ability to pull back, lessen your time with her. I wish I could do that. Right now, after a week of total stress, heartbreak, work issues, family issues, my own health issues, I think if I left this house tonight I would never want to come back and wouldn't want to see or be around my mother anymore. After losing my siblings, my dad, my marriage, my home and basically my life, I am beyond exhausted. If I had it to do over again I would try harder to find other arrangements instead of becoming her caregiver. Trying to be a good caregiver and trying to be a good daughter has only made me unable to be either.
Please take advantage of the fact she's not living with you, lessen your exposure to her, and not only will you feel better but it may even help your relationship with her.
You've gotten yourself in a real pickle here by not taking a stand before now. She's got no other resources except for you and she's too old to expect her to change now, but you can change yourself to help you feel better by limiting your contact with her. There's no point in spending time with her just to be abused.
I'm assuming she talks rude to you and complains a lot. She probably has mood swings she takes out on you. (I'm guessing because you didn't say exactly how she makes you crazy.)
Nobody has the right to make you feel bad. You are important too. When she starts in on you, tell her one time in a calm voice, that you don't appreciate her attitude when you try so hard to please her and if she isn't going to be nice, you are going to leave. And do so.
The next time, tell her I've told you before to be nice I'm going to leave now.
After she begins to see you'll stand up for yourself (if she ever does) you can start teaching her some manners like 'please' and 'thank you.'
No one is happy about this situation but civility is the key to getting along with anybody. She's unhappy too but she gets to take it out on you. Don't let her.
CharK
No, we are not bonding into any super mother-daughter relationship. I truly believe that if that didn't happen before the age of 16 it will never happen. We are having some nice times, some of which sort of answer for some of the bad times in my childhood.
My older sister, always Mom's preferred child, would like me to be more active in Mom's care. I refuse because I didn't give up my home and move all this way to be a slave. Also, sometimes Mom gets crabby. When she does I tell her I am sorry she is having a bad day and end the visit. Sometimes we both have a really good day together and it makes us both feel more like the family I wish we had been.
There is absolutely no reason why you need to take any abuse from your mother. If you are getting nothing out of the experience, probably you aren't that much use to her either. Let her take her frustrations out by smacking her pillow. The mere fact that a person is a relative does not mean that you are compelled to do anything for them. If there is to be any meaning in the term "family" it must represent mutual concern and respect. You deserve that.
Good luck and hugs. I hope you can break the cycle of abuse. It can be really hard, but I am sure you can make the changes you need.
And I have to ask why is she "living well, independently on your dime"? If she needs your financial support stop and begin the process for the help she needs.
If she is mentally competent you can explain you are no longer going to tolerate the abuse and she needs to cut it on her own. Start a budget she can stay within.
She can start taking her frustrations out on your siblings. When you are with her as soon as she starts get up and walk out. No matter where you are or who is there just leave.
Point is I backed off seeing her and it helps my mental health alot. I think it is the injustice of trying to help and getting negativity that drives us crazy. So yes limit seeing her .
Or do the psychology of once she starts ranting , every time say --Mother i will count and if i hear 3 rude comments i am leaving. If she continues say "2" and then "3" and then walk out. ( if you have to, go back in an hour- if not then wait a day or 2) I found that my mother is lonely so if i cut communication she gets humble and nice the next time she talks to me.
She would be sweet as pie when my friends were over too. They thought that she was great and sometimes she was great. She had a mixture of good and bad qualities. I really like what my grandma always said, “There is good in bad in all of us.” So true!
Sometimes it would bug me when mom wanted to spend time with my friends. I wanted time alone with them but mom could be charming and my friends loved her stories.
If my friends had only seen her when they weren’t around! I didn’t want to keep bringing up her negativity to them. It didn’t help me and made them uncomfortable. That’s what I paid my therapist for! He got to hear it all. LOL
I hated my mom creating friction among siblings too. So much damage was done and we no longer speak to each other and I am fine with that. Mom wasn’t completely to blame! Not all of us are blessed with great siblings.
You know, my mom was so fortunate. She did have fabulous siblings and incredible parents. She had hardships, the depression for one but they endured and I believe became stronger than they were before. I admire that.
It’s a shame mom didn’t pay it forward. Sometimes hurting people hurt others but there are exceptions because my mom was loved, loved by her family and adored by my dad.
Sometimes I feel like all of the trouble that my parents had with my oldest brother set the stage for all h•ll to break loose! Not with daddy as much, but for mom at times.
My parents didn’t know how to handle that. Not sure I would have either. Drugs were not spoken about then. It was a ‘hush hush’ society so I give my parents a free pass for that.
I really don’t want to remember anyone for the worst things they have done in their lives.
Oh, I am well aware of the insanity but I got sick of making myself sick about reliving it. It took a lot of effort on my part. That is where my therapist helped me tremendously! I am forever grateful to him for his insight.
I learned to realize many things, one was that mom’s friends had died many years before. I know she missed them and was lonely. She did attach herself to my friends. My friends didn’t complain about it. They liked her.
One of my closest friends in particular would bring ice cream every time she visited. Mom adored her! She would bring a big pot of soup over every now and then because she knows that I find soup delicious and comforting.
We can’t change our parent’s behavior as much as we would like to. I wish that I could say that I rolled with the punches all of the time but that would be a lie.
Only on rare occasions was I proud of myself for being able to not let her drive me insane. Sometimes we just can’t help it even with therapy and I had a great therapist! In time, the pain and frustration eases up. If we keep trying to succeed in finding peace, we usually do.
I hope you will find peace soon. You will when this is all behind you. My caregiver days are over to mom. I have found peace. You will too. God bless you. Sending a bazillion hugs your way.
She has you what we called buffaloed, take a small step. I don't know which one is easiest for you. My suggestion is when she starts getting mean, just remove yourself. The biggest is the money. If she has to she can move into cheaper housing. rent a room from someone. whatever.
The only way you are going to get change is change yourself. You are not trapped, you just have to step away.
You may also want to call your Department of Social Services in your area and explain that you are not and are not able to be financially or physically responsible for her or to live with her and ask them to come out and evaluate her and help you with next steps.
So, there is no easy solution, and you must choose one of the excellent suggestions given by other readers.
I hope this helps. It's useful to consider the conversation a debate with rules, but it's still so, so hard.
Sometimes I don't think they even realize how they get into a rut of making negative comments. Or, what you notice now has really been there all along.
If there are things you still choose to do for her, it might help your frame of mind to think how you would react to her abuse if she were a "patient" who was not your mother.
It is often much harder to deal with negativity, selfishness, decline and frailty in our own parents than it would be in someone unrelated.
Good luck.
This is what I did with dad who was abrasive his whole life. Like you, there are other (3) children, but none stepped up to help. That can be a blessing as there are no arguments with sibs, but as you mention can lead to resentment.
At first it was hard for me to be respectful with dad. I was overly harsh. It felt good to get things off my chest, but I felt I was lashing out; taking advantage of the fact that I could walk away. I recalibrated and decided I would do better. I would think before and after speaking to him. I would consider what I was saying.
It was so liberating to tell him what I did not like about his actions and words. And when I was able to be respective, I didn't regret it afterwards.
Did he change? Of course not :) What I told him, I was doing for myself; not for him; not expecting change. I was protecting myself. I was being the adult. I was taking on the role reversal. I was going to take care of him regardless of how he acted or what he said -- just like a parent does with a child.
Maybe some don't need to clear the air like I needed to. More power to you. But, my experience was that after I shared my thoughts, I was no longer resentful.
IMO talk about it today; early and often; open and honest. I did with dad before he passed and I'm so glad I did.
It sounds as if you keep running into a wall marked, "It's my responsibility to take care of her even if she abuses me. I can't bring myself to leave her to the consequences she has created."
A. Staying creates negative consequences for you.
B. Leaving creates negative consequences for her.
C. If you are capable of creating boundaries and your mother is capable of respecting boundaries, then you could both benefit.
D. But if you can't set them and/or she can't respect them, you are back to either choice A or B.
Setting boundaries is more about the person setting the boundary than the other person. People like your mom are not going to be surrounded by those who will tolerate disrespect. Unless she changes.
If you tell her you have a reasonable need to be treated with more civility, she can choose to treat you with more civility or ignore your plea.
Just how lopsided is the relationship is when she is allowed to be unreasonable- to yell, to be mean, to be disrespectful, to make unreasonable demands and you are not allowed to be treated kindly because she doesn't feel like she wants to do that?
She's already accepted the consequences of her choices to treat her other children badly.
It does not matter to her that she hurt them and that she is hurting you. She does not believe that their feelings matter.
So you have to decide if your feelings matter.
And if they do, learn how to untangle yourself from this mess where YOU are dealing with the consequences of your mother's choices rather than her dealing with them.