I’m turning my life upside down for my 86 year old husband who has late stage 5 dementia. I am only 65 which makes things a little different from other married couples . We have had an extraordinary 20 years of marriage . I have been his sole caregiver for 3 years now . The last 2 years have been particularly stressful . I have finally decided to put him in respite care at a facility in his hometown where HE wants to be living ( not me .. but I will move for him ) and I am going to take a week off to go visit my friends in Florida . My husband knows all my friends in Florida because they were his friends too. My girlfriends happen to be single through divorce or death of spouse . My husband doesn’t want me to go and leave him for a week even though I will have his friends come and visit him in the facility while I’m gone . He has cousins and friends in our hometown and he even has friends in the independent living section of the facility . He is having a breakdown and says he cannot go there alone . He would rather die than for me to leave him , he can’t do this , he doesn’t want to go there and he doesn’t want his caregiver staying at the house with him for a week . He has called his brother , a non practicing attorney who is a lobbyist in Washington , DC and has asked him to get the POA changed and re do his will . Unfortunately my husband is a very controlling , paranoid man … probably because he had a speckled past in his previous marriage . I’ve only been allowed to go on one girls trip in our 20 years of marriage because he didn’t want for me to leave him . He has been agonizing over this for days . My trip is in 5 days . He doesn’t want me to go . He is scared and anxious alone . I’m the only one he wants to be around . He has very unhealthy attachment issues .
I feel guilty for leaving him for a week . His kids are fine with it … but his brother is doing everything to undermine me and has the contacts and resources to make my life difficult . He has always been suspicious of our age difference … yet we have had a magical loving 20 years together . It is a little harder with the age difference at this stage in our marriage . I’ve been his sole caregiver and I’m worn out . I am willing to do most anything for my husband “ except” giving up what’s left in my life . I’m probably on the verge of a mental breakdown because I’m so trapped and feel so guilty . And I hate feeling this guilt from him and hate his brother for continuing meddling in our business . I’ve tried to open up lines of communication with his brother but he will only talk to his brother who is demented . BTW… he has had the most horrible and dysfunctional marriage of any couple I know . It’s all about “ control” in those Washington , DC circles .
so the question is “ should I cancel my week trip to avoid feeling so guilty for leaving him ?”
I’ve never had children , so I really don’t have experience is how to handle childlike behavior and especially demented behavior .
Go on your week long respite and seriously consider placing your husband in this facility permanently. Marriage is supposed to be a team effort, not a selfish pursuit of HIS wishes, with or w/o dementia. You matter too, much more than you realize.
His brother, the non practicing attorney in the swamp, should know, if nothing else, that wills and POAs cannot be changed by a demented elder. Even by retired former attorneys on power trips.
Have fun!
It is obvious that he is in total control of you. You were not allowed to go on another vaca with your girlfriends? Kidding right?
You as well have unhealthy attachment issues, and are very codependent on him.
Now you say that you will move back to his hometown because that is what he wants, really? You posted about that before and most everyone said "Don't do it".
Now you are actually contemplating doing his respite in that town? Why?
Either you stand up for your rights this time or forget about ever being an independent woman.
The BIL has a dysfunctional marriage? Might want to take a good look at yours.
Your husband has dementia and certainly is not capable of making rational decisions and he is manipulating you. His speckled marriage makes complete sense based on what you are relaying to us.
Scratch the "Guilt" deal, it is keeping you stuck, it is a tool people use to not do what they want to do, it gives them an excuse. The buzz word of the 21st century needs to be put to rest.
The ball is in your court, stand up and be counted.
Go to Florida.
My dear the universal equalizer in such relationships when it's an old guy and a much younger woman is:
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A woman who made such a situation for herself will get no pity from me. I don't believe in being financially dependent on a man. I had two husbands and wasn't dependent on either one of them and didn't take from them when we divorced either.
Did you CAUSE the dementia?
No.
Can you FIX the dementia and choose not to?
No.
So where is the word "guilt" which requires CAUSATION, coming from.
You are experiencing grief, not guilt.
And exhaustion.
Answer is that you should make your trip. He can meltdown.
Since WHEN was his life all about he has to be happy all the time and you are responsible to make it so?
You are taking on responsibility for dementia, for happiness, and for a whole bunch of stuff that isn't yours to own. Don't do that. Your dance card is already too full to be able to afford that sort of wrong thinking.
How do you HANDLE it?
You say "Sorry, honey, but I am already overwhelmed in your care. If you expect me to continue it then I will need breaks, and this is one of them. "
Period. End of sentence.
I wish you a happy trip.
I'm just joking around because I'm bored to tears in the office today.
You're right no one can be responsible for making another person happy all the time.
Amen!
Forgive me if I speak plainly, but that's bullsh*t. You're 65 years old. You came of age in the 1970's so there's no "allowing" or permission required from a husband, father, or brother for an American woman your age to do anything.
You CHOSE not to go on any girls' trips.
You say here that your husband has stage 5 dementia. So he's not calling the shots anymore and making the decisions.
You put him in whatever facility you're planning to use for his respite stay and take your one week in Florida. In fact, take two weeks. Why shouldn't you? You'll still have the miserable drudgery of caregiving the other 50 weeks in the year. Let him throw as many tantrums about it as he wants. Let he brother, his kids, and the respite facility deal with his tantrums and hysterics. You go to Florida.
Let me tell you something. I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have seen every family dynamic there is. I have seen many people with dementia flip out and throw constant tantrums if one person isn't by them every second. I've known caregivers in such a position die before their demented care recipients.
What happens if (God forbid) the stress of your husband 24/7 with no break gives you a heart attack and you die? I'll tell you what happens. His brother and kids drop him off at a memory care facility and they walk away.
So put your leaving for some respite in these terms. Is your husband spending one week in a care facility without you better than spending the rest of his life in one without you?
Taking the week-long repite break is not just a bit of a holiday for you. It's vitally necessary for your physical and mental health.
Also, you don't uproot your entire life and move to another place because your spouse with advanced dementia wants to live back in his hometown. That's ridiculous. You are the one responsible, not him. You do what makes your life and your caregiving of him easier for you. He doesn't make the decisions anymore. You do.
You should go on your trip. Don't tell people who work against you any information... they are on a need-to-know basis if they can't respect you and your decisions. Ghost them. But make sure your PoA is iron-clad because I'd be worried about his kooky brother visiting him in the facility and getting him all upset. FYI it is not a good idea for him to have a lot of visitors at first. Is he going into AL or MC?
If you haven't visited YouTube to find Teepa Snow videos on strategies helpful to caregivers of LOs with dementis, you really need to. I found them incredibly useful.
Think of your feels of guilt as grief. You aren't guilty of anything, therefore please stop yourself from thinking this.
I see you asked the question about how to approach DH about going away. You got good answers but I did not see where you were told to wait till the last minute to tell him. So now he has time to ponder and worry about it. They get into a "loop" and nothing you say or do will change their mind. Go on your trip, you deserve it. He will be OK.
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