I got a very nasty phone call from my brother recently, who had all these things he accused me of, that mom told him. For instance, that every time I visit her, I ask her for gas money! What, suddenly I'm 17 years old? And that's just the beginning, and just what I've heard about. The thing is, I'd like this to stop, but I have my doubts that confronting mom would make any difference. What do you think?
I think that some untruths that dementia patients say are totally out of left field. I do think that my cousin meant it when she told neighbors that she had no food. (Her fridge and pantry were full of food.) She also told my mother that I had not visited her in AL that day. (I had showed up TWICE.) She told me that a good friend brought her a basket of treats. (There were no treats and no basket.) She also claimed that her doctor slept on the couch in the lobby of her AL. (He had never been to her AL.) So, I think that their claims can be totally baseless. I don't think there is always some kind of intentional harm behind them.
As for Ribbman, Confronting a person with dementia/narcissism can be dangerous for everyone's well-being. As once they are done with you, will go and 'scorch the earth' as some have explained in prior years on this thread.
I have seen some great techniques others have used to defuse the impact.
Including, "That's right Mom, I am stealing your money, what can I buy for you today?"
My mother did this for a few years. It is better now. Her confabulated stories made me feel like I had phase shifted. They could be quite imaginative. I never bother to correct unless some harm could be done. As long as your brother knows the truth, no harm done here... I hope!
It did me absolutely not good to speak with MIL. She either didn't remember saying them, was lying about not remembering saying them, or brushed it off as not too important and changed the subject or started a fight about something else to deflect the conversation away from her lying.
Does your brother live anywhere near you? It sounds like rebuilding your relationship in many sessions over a couple of beers might do more long-term good. You now have insights that neither of you had as children. Sharing and getting his input might be good.
Meanwhile, mother is in a care center so it is safe for you to detach a bit when her manipulation gets too painful for you.
It's interesting how many people with dementia go through this phase. Therefore, do not say anything to Mom about her "stories". Find out what Mom likes and re-direct the conversation there. For my Dad, who hasn't entered this phase but tends to think he is living in the 1940's, I will ask him about the weather as he's a huge weather buff... and strangely his mind will return to 2016 and the current weather conditions nationwide :)
Since my cousin developed dementia, I have discovered so many things about it that I never knew before. I think many people aren't educated on what kinds of things dementia patients may exhibit.
I see no reason to confront your mother. She would likely not be able to process what she said or that it wasn't true. And if she did, she would likely forget it.