My MIL moved in with us just over a year ago. She’d been living alone for ten years and was across the country and we knew it was time she was closer to family. Before she moved out here she was extremely independent. Unfortunately, she has allowed her fear, nervousness, and slight forgetfulness to keep her from doing much on her own. However, she cries at the thought of being a burden, but has left herself no other options.
We include her in most of what we do, but the few times we don’t it’s something she fixates on and she’s made me the fall guy for her unhappiness. Sadly, if I do things for her she feels bad, yet if I don’t she’s mad. I’ve talked to her about it and she admits it’s her own negative perception, but here we are.
My husband has suggested to her that she might need to talk to someone after an overly emotional (on her end) conversation they had. All she said to him was: you keep saying that. Should we push for counseling or just let her be?
I truly believe she’s capable of being a bit more self sufficient. She just flew across the country alone to visit her daughter and all went great. At our house she acts like she can’t walk across the street to the grocery store... It’s more of an emotional block, than a cognitive problem in my opinion.
Um. She shouldn't be living with you and DH. The reason I say that so flatly is that this lady, as you say, is perfectly capable of organising and handling a long trip involving air travel - enough to test the stamina and coping skills of anybody, surely. Which leads me to conclude that the helplessness she exhibits at your house is a combination of
learned helplessness - every time you do something for her, or do things a different way from what she's used to, you undermine her confidence. Unintentionally, of course (I'm sure you intend the opposite!) but all the same.
anxiety - from being uprooted, from wanting to fit in but not being able to just like that;
the normal frustration and sadness, which we must ALL cope with eventually, of not being the adventurous spring lambs that we once were.
Maybe, too, a little bit of grief and loss from leaving where she was? Did she have friends there, clubs, societies, a favourite café? These are hard to leave behind.
Look up all those articles about the empirical evidence that seniors who are encouraged and supported to cope independently *and* *take* *on* *new* challenges stay mentally and physically well for however many years it is than those who are "looked after."
I've just a few hours ago left a lady of 98 who can read the instructions on a microwave supper better than I can, and whose kitchen made me blush for mine. She fractured the neck of her femur not long ago and we're supposed to be helping her get back to normal. I felt like offering her a job as my housekeeper.
Anyhoooooo... so, find your MIL a place in a community of spirited and independent-minded elders, where she can be with people on her wavelength and lead the kind of life that she was used to enjoying, only nearer to her kith and kin. She wanted to uproot her home and move it nearer to you. Instead, she's changed her whole way of life and it's not working well for any of you.
As an elder of 93 with dementia now, she's been MY burden since 2011. She collects the mail in a pile and the very instant she sees me, she thrusts it into my face: Here's the mail! She says gleefully.
Here's the thing: I knew my mother was a child and so, I was unwilling to have either of my parents live in my home or vice versa. I had them both placed in Assisted Living back in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip. He passed in 2015 and mother has never been happier. She's now in the Memory Care section of the ALF, and causing me all ends of grief, but she's not living WITH me, and that's the main thing.
Why is your MIL living with YOU, having all these issues?
My point is this: A person has to acknowledge a problem exists and want help for it in order to GET help. Otherwise, it's just a waste of time and money.
Does your MIL want help? Does she see herself as an anxiety ridden individual, or is she just using the "I don't want to be a burden" manipulation technique to its best advantage and having you fall for it?
OF COURSE they're a burden, and they know it! They figure it this way.......if they admit to being a burden, then it's okay in their mind that they ARE a burden!! It's like when my mother says, "I know I shouldn't say this BUT.........." She figures if she caveats her inappropriate statement with that line, then it's OKAY to say something inappropriate! See where I'm going with this?
Your MIL is manipulating you with that "I don't want to be a burden but please entertain me 24/7" routine she's using.
Forget about the counselor, the therapy, all of it. Instead, look into some lovely Assisted Living communities in the area and get her placed. She can pay others to entertain her, and to listen to how she 'can't' do this that and the other thing. She, I'm sure, is quite capable of doing whatever she puts her mind to, as evidenced by flying across the country alone to visit her daughter. She's a helpless victim only when it's convenient to be one.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Lord, you would end up in a mental institution if she lived with you. You are far too independent of a women to allow such a thing. I can’t even picture you allowing her to live with you. You have taken care of her. I admire you for not being a martyr.
I know that you are asking this question out of concern for her and your husband. I would like to ask you a question, if you don't mind. Is her behavior causing problems for you and your husband? I ask this because I am normally a very empathetic person towards people but when no progress is made I become very frustrated and I no longer want to be involved. I am not heartless but if I continue to make a suggestion for a possible solution and it is continually ignored then I just want to tell the person not to ask me anymore.
Is your MIL becoming a burden?
This is your MIL, not your mother, so the whole dynamic is different. You hubby should be taking a greater role in helping mom to adapt.
Problems that seem small now can and will grow to huge proportions when there is not communication involved.
If therapy seems too expensive, maybe your clergyman/woman would be able to do some kind of healing talking.
Perhaps a mild anti-depressant for the time until she has adapted to the move? Anxiety keeps us hostage sometimes, from doing the things we want to do.