Should I, as the sole POA, for our mother feel obligated to discuss plans for our mother with the sibs, keep them informed. You have to know how difficult it is to be the sole caregiver among 6 sibs with the majority of them criticizing my every move. I feel like I have had enough, it takes a lot of my energy and time to keep them all informed and all I get in response is selfish crap that what I am doing doesn't suit them for one reason or another that has nothing to do with our mother. It's very draining, I don't need to be put down, they aren't involved enough to even have a helpful discussion. Help! What are my obligations to them as our mother's POA?
MsTexas: your 'offer' really does show how uncaring our own families can be and it isn't just isolated to your family. I have found myself in similar situations with NO respite in site, and when I did get the respite we needed to remodel so Mom could have easier assess, etc, the result was catastrophic! She ended up in the hospital after 'flipping out' and from there it was like she had jumped off a cliff! Her decline was very rapid. Sad, but true. Five months later she passed away.
I often say, there isn't much I wouldn't do for my family, and yet I don't think that would be returned, am I bitter? NO. Am I disappointed, YES! Will that change how they act, NO! The only person we can change or control is OURSELVES!
This online support group has provided MORE support in the short time I have been online, than my siblings have in the past five years.
Even though my mother has passed, I am still here for that very reason. I do wish there was a "chat room" so we could gather REAL time and chat online. Perhaps 'management' will consider the idea.
So, I will continue to come here as long as I feel my input is welcomed and I am making a contribution. And I want to thank everyone that makes me feel so useful. God bless.
I did all of what the above people suggested,but they only helped for the first 2 yrs after that everyone of them weasled there way out of the obligation,so now I dont feel any remorse or regret in telling them anything,they dont call and dont come to see her. Recently i moved for financial reasons,and one of the sisters had the odasity of calling and telling me that I took Mom to far away and I have a problem. Yes! i do I responded the problem is them they knew where I lived for 6 1/2 yrs and no one came by to pick her up or visit or call I have not changed my number in 7yrs. So in my anger I told her, I am not keeping our Mom from any of you INFACT I WILL PERSONALLY TAKE MOM TO SEE YOU AND PACK HER BAG FOR A MONTH SO YOU CAN GET RE-Nuited,Do you know what she did-SHE MY SISTER HUNG UP ON ME. Imagine that the minute I put the ball in there court. I say do what you must God and your parent are those who Matter! Let the siblings wallow in there self-pity. Nothing you do will be good enough!!!
I had a similar situation, and even after setting up Anna's Helping Hands on Lotsa Helping Hands dot com some of the 'family STILL had a problem with what I was doing. Others did not. I just continued to do what I felt was best, and this website turned out to be a place where we could share pictures, feeling, and even visits with other family members that were not local.
Looks like you doing just fine, and although we all want to keep everyone advised, you can't (or won't) please all of the people all of the time, no matter HOW hard you try!
God Bless!
Best to you on your caregiving journey,
Hap
PS it will also cause you stress as they will question and suggest and try and tell you what to do, its not worth it, Its hard enough being the caretaker as it is, I wish mine would fall off the face of the earth to tell you the truth. You will find the ones who flap their mouths the most, do the least. haha have to laugh, but its true. Keep up the good work!
I know it is difficult but my answer to my sibling's criticism and so forth, is, "if you think you can do a better job....move back to town and take over my father's care". I haven't had any takers yet. Meantime, consult with your siblings in a truly loving manner and ask for suggestions that include their actual physical presence for more than a few days a year.
They only way any of us can become a door mat is to lie down. Use some tough love on them. If they get offended at least you will have some lovely peace and quiet. If they offer their "advice" tell them that it would be far more helpful if they would come and stay with your Mom while you take a break. That should help them keep the lips zipped.
Heaven knows this journey is tough enough...do not open the door to these energy vampires.
Peace,
Lilli