Should I feel obligated to take my mother out of memory care to drive her to her brother's funeral 3 hrs away?

Send as expensive bouquet as you can afford to the funeral with condolences, expressing regret that illness prevents your mother from traveling. Sounds like an occasion when appearances will suffice. Call the family to explain if you feel up to it.

Personally I don't think people who have dementia should be exposed to such sadness and trauma. My Dad died and my Mom was safe in a NH and I did not want her to go to the funeral. My brother who was poa made the decision to take her. And she was was crying the whole time and very upset. It broke my heart.

i agree with everyone else here that the correct answer is no, definitely do NOT take her to the funeral. change is so tremendously upsetting for a person with dementia. i didn't understand this until i actually had a mother with the disease--when my father died 7 years ago, his sister called to let us know she was very sad but could not attend because her husband, my uncle, was suffering badly from dementia and he was still living at home where she cared for him. at the time i didn't fully understand as i had never experienced having a loved one with dementia and i was a bit sad that she wouldn't come to her own brother's funeral. they were very close. but now i completely understand and i feel sad for what she must have been going through, that she had no help and could not leave him for a few hours to attend her own brother's funeral. all of this is to say that your estranged family may not get why you and your mother can't attend but don't let that deter you. until they experience first-hand what dementia is like they won't get it.

Reasoa, I read your follow-up of 6/1 and it occurs to me that you are being a bit evasive with your relatives. I certainly understand your reasons, but having experienced the other side, it's frustrating when you are grieving and just trying to get the notification job done but can't reach people that should be notified. Can you send them a message spelling out what you've told us, your mom's circumstances, and the fact that you need to be the one to relay whatever messages they have for her (of course it's your decision as to what gets relayed). Perhaps if you respond to them more fully they will cross you off their list and leave you alone?

I read both your initial post and 6/1 update . Just tell these people of your mothers dementia condition and due to BOTH your health issues, you cannot attend the funeral. Tell them per her Dr stress of funeral & travel are out of the question.

As for future contact, please ask that any and all communication be by text or email since that’s easier than talking on phone for you ( and that your mother does not have the ability to do either).

Do not let these people guilt you or bully you.

You are correct in your way of thinking and feeling, death however is a final goodbye. Not for your uncle's family, not for your estranged family who don't know where your mother is, and maybe not even for your own sake, but for your mother's sake, I would take her to her brother's funeral. Things that can't be undone, changed or wished back are the things we regret forever. Your mother had a brother, they both got old, they lost touch, but they had a life that began as children, they grew up together, they went through changes, they are family, and this might be the last close family member she has. Whether she is aware of who he is when she gets to the funeral or not, she deserves the right to say goodbye, to be present as a very important member of his family, and somewhere in her mind it will register that her brother is gone in time. Your mother will someday pass as well, having attended her brother's funeral, in turn will allow those who have been absent in the past to open the line of communication with you, and could be a very good thing in giving you some help. My mother died, I was her primary care giver, l grieved so much that I lost everything, but I had siblings who too were estranged for 3 years, they didn't grieve, they already listed her in their minds as dead years ago. My mother was anything but dead, she was a sharp minded person at 83 yrs. old, who was trapped in a disabled body, the physical work of keeping my mother healthy and able to do the things that she needed done on a daily basis, fell to me, these things were too much for my 3 siblings to have to do, so their decision was to stay away, and to put me down for keeping my mother alive in order to meet my own selfish needs, this was their way of making themselves look like the heros and me to look like a zero. I never cared about the things they said about me, my mother went through such heartbreak over her children not caring enough to come and see her, I felt guilty and tried to change that. All that said, when my mother died, I never called anyone, none of her friends, no neighbors, none of my own friends, I couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't alive, that she was gone, and didn't want to admit to anyone that she was no more, especially not myself. The funeral, burial, all that followed her death was a blur to me, I was truly grieving as I had never grieved for anyone in my life. The loss of my mother, it's hard. But, now 3 years later, (I'm crying now), the one thing that I feel like I failed her on was not telling everyone who she mattered to, and she mattered to so many people, she touched everyone she met, to come and say their final good-byes to my mother. Her funeral was attended by barely anyone, only people she really didn't know, these were people who knew my siblings and were told in order to back up my siblings. The people who knew her, who came to see her while she was disabled, they weren't notified, her family was not notified until we were on our way to the cemetary with her in her coffin, they came from work to see the casket lowered into the ground and came to the luncheon, not to eat, but to ask why they didn't know. So, don't let your anger or your hurt take away from your mother's last chance to see her brother, and say goodbye. When it's over and you are done, you will never have to question yourself on whether you should have, you do it, you only have one mother, you are her baby girl, your not doing this for anyone but her and yourself as closure. Life is about doing the hard things for the right reasons. I hope you make the right choice, but it is your decision to make, good luck. Have a good day

NO! Call your cousin, offer your condolences, and let the family know Mom is in Memory Care. There is no guilt to be had here. A trip like that will surely be disorienting and will cause much confusion and set-backs. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Does she remember she has a brother? It does sound too stressful and I would say you are not obligated. I would talk to them and tell them the situation and how hard it would be on your mom. They should understand. If her memory of him is clear perhaps you could show her an obituary or they could send you one of the folders from the funeral. You could send flowers or a card on her behalf. But if it is likely to cause her to become upset it might not be worth telling her about any of it.

That would be much too stressful on your mother in the first place (and of course on you). Just explain once, and once only, that your mother is in Memory Care and will not be attending. And it is very possible that once the aunt knows of your mother's situation, she would understand and not expect her to go.

Has it been discussed that the family may be reaching out to her mother as a courtesy. Many people are very uncomfortable relaying news via text, especially news of a death. The older generations manners dictate sharing news of a death in the family via telephone. Other methods of communication, especially texting, are considered very rude and impersonal. I understand the desire to not talk to them, but I think that expecting them to relay the news via text and blocking their texts does not help the situation for either party. Courtesy, even with family members who are estranged, is sometimes necessary. Blocking the texts and not responding is not courtesy and will only escalate the differences in the family. Why exactly the family is reaching out at this time is unknown and the fact that they said important in big bold letters, says that they are only reaching out out of necessity. I completely understand the family estrangement. We have it in my family. You should at least have one conversation on the phone with them and then take it from there. As another poster pointed out, there could be legal reasons they are trying to reach you. Who knows, there could be an apology in the offing. You are not under any obligation to attend anyone's funeral, except your own, if one is held for you. That you are sick and your mother is sick, which she is, are perfectly valid reasons to not attend. My aunt died a couple of weeks ago and three of her children could not attend her funeral because they were ill. Nobody had a problem with it. I think you should call your relatives and at least hear them out. You are not obligated to remain in contact with them and you can bloc their numbers at any time. But you should give them the courtesy of hearing what the news. They do not know that you know their father's passing. You also don't know the history of your mothers relationship with her brother. You just know what she's told you in recent years.. You should not assume what another person is going to say. They love their father as much as you love your mother. They are grieving.

Short answer, you’re doing the right thing and actually protecting your mother in this situation.

Your mother, who has dementia advanced enough to require memory care, won’t be able to process the situation logically. In my case, my mother who has dementia and is in AL, is stuck in a memory and reliving my brother’s death over and over, going on 3 yrs now, and it’s horrible for her. Since then, we chose to not tell her about several deaths in the family including her brother.

So in a nutshell, have compassion for your relatives’ loss and offer your sympathy, but don’t let their grief compel you into going against what’s best for you and your mother.

Block their phone number so you don't receive calls. I wouldn't even tell your mom about her brothers passing. Don't tell anyone which facility she's in and if you can, get the place sold so they really have to work at finding you.

Of course, you should not take her out of Memory Care to attend the funeral. A three-hour trip is extremely stressful for someone with Dementia.

And, she would probably not even understand what is happening anyway.

Just tell the family members that she is too frail to travel.

Ask your mom. If she wants to go, take her. If she doesn’t care to go, you can choose whether you want to go as her representative. No pressure.

And your mom may really want to go. If she does, take her. (My mom had some late-in-life change of mindset and I always honored her wishes, even when I disagreed with her choices.)

There are some estrangements in my family, so I get it.

No

Definitely No on the funeral travel. But per the text messages, a couple others hit the nail on the head that there might be Will or other legal issues in the background to be aware of that is your responsibility to deal with as POA.

In my own experience with my own similar that-kind of family, that kind of "call me, it's important" in that context always means either A. Someone left you something in their Will; B. We want you to do something for us (yeah, no); or C. (most often) Both. (But we're also too lazy to put it in writing for your convenience.)

If you really don't want to deal with them or risk being put on the spot somehow on the phone (and, again, given my experience and family, I wouldn't either), I'd personally tell them move to email instead of texting so info is easier to gather and track (and forward, if necessary). I'd text something like, "As I said, I'm unavailable for phone calls. Please email any questions and relevant info to [email address], so I may review it on my mother's behalf."

No, you should not feel obligated to drive your mother 3 hours each way to anybody's funeral. You'll have to handle whatever comes up, sundowning, toileting, etc. Will she even know she's there? You would only be doing it out of principle. Principles went out the window when my Mom got Alzheimer's. Take care of you. They'll all get over it.

You should ask your mother what she would like to do. If she can not go or feels it would be too difficult for her than that is fine. Just explain to the family that although she would like to be there, she is unable to now and send your condolences and prayers to them as well. Let go of the past and forgive your family especially in a time like this.

This would have been simpler if you had just called them when a note went on her door. Even though estranged, you have to be thankful they made an attempt to locate your mom when they couldn't reach her. Think about some folks who are found dead in a house only after someone notified authorities that the person needs a wellness check up. The fact that they they thought she still lives at her home, and none of y'all are talking, they really wouldn't have known if you were still alive looking after her. So, in that respect, I think that should warm your heart a little.

As for taking her to a funeral 3 hours away -- can she make a long trip like that? Assuming you'd probably have to spend the night, so would hotel room create more confusion. You know her limits at this point. Does she talk about the brother, does she still have good short term memory (would she remember if you told her that brother died, would she remember why she's in a car going for a 3 hr drive, would she remember the brother's family)? If it will just cause her confusion and she never asks about brother anyway, then forego the trip. But, there should be nothing stressful about calling the cousin back and telling them mom in memory care and unable to make a long trip. Period. Since they reached out to tell you about brother, you can be considerate enough to tell them about your mom.

I don't think this really has anything to do with boundaries being overstepped - just a phone call to exchange info. Perhaps it's more about built up anger of caring for your mom with no help. And if they live 3 hrs away, there was probably little they could have helped with anyway. With mom in memory care, I can only hope you have some relief and more freedom without the caregiving role and can now conduct visits as a daughter.

These comments on here to take mother is ridiculous. WHY WHY WHY would anyone want to put a loved one through that. Especially since theres all so been an estranged relationships for many years.

My mother has dementia. A year and half ago, my youngest sister, her daughter, died. When I told her, it was just, "Oh that's awful," then 10 minutes later she did not remember it. There is no reason to take a dementia patient out of their familiar surroundings to drive that far for an event that will only cause both of you stress.

I don't think they are looking to have this woman attend the funeral. I think they just want some info for the obit as another poster had stated. I don't think one phone call to see what they want is out of the question. I would not entertain multiple phone calls though.

Lots of answers to your question here, so I'm probably repeating what others have said. I've somehow missed the reason the family got the police and social services involved to let you know that her brother had died but that's beside the point. Anyway, my suggestion (probably like a lot of others here) is to send them a polite note bringing them up to date on what's going on in both your lives. As for the any will, the usual practice is for the executor to contact the beneficiary by mail. One does not have to be present at the reading of a will, as we see in movies and television shows.

Just text them that you KNOW about the uncle’s passing. They probably don’t want to inform someone of a relative’s death via text. The whole nonsense will be over when they understand you already know. You’ve told them your mom is in memory care. That’s all the information they need…unless the uncle left his sister a wad of money…😨

You don't give a lot of information about your mother's mental state. There are different stages of dementia. But you should trust your own instincts about whether she can handle a long car trip and a funeral, whether she would even understand what is going on, and whether this would produce anxierty for her. If you'd have to watch over her every minute of the trip, it's probably not a good idea. Call your aunt to tell her that your mother is now in memory care, and that she and you regretfully won't be able to attend her brother's funeral. Speak with your mother and find out if she remembers her brother, and if she does, you can decide if it is the right time to tell her that her brother has passed away. Changes of venue can be difficult for people in memory care. You can also speak to the staff at her facility to ask them if they think she should be told about her brother's passing, and the best way to do it. It's not cold-hearted. You are trying to do the best for your mother and to keep her in a positive mental state.

What happened that caused the rift between you and your uncle? Did he molest you? Was it a lack of concern for your mom. Were they aware of her condition?
What caused the estrangement between your mom and her brother? Could the misunderstanding be a result of her dementia. Could it be that he also suffered with dementia?
He and his family may have been very involved with his health these last 5 years.

When did Social Services leave the note from your uncle's wife?
Could it be that they are as perplexed wondering why your mom never asked if he may have lost the ability to keep in touch with his sister?

Your cousin's wife tried reaching out to your mom to, presumably you say, let you know that he died and, should we presume, when the funeral is and that presumably he may have left a letter for a her.

To answer your question, from someone who knows about estrangement, civility is in order.

You presume they want her to come to the funeral. You can say, "I'm sorry for your loss. I know that you couldn't have known this but mom has been living in a MC facility". If they are thinking people, and possibly people who have just been through 5 years of the same, they won't ask you to hassle your mom with such an ordeal of not only a 3 hours trip, but good people also understand the prep that's involved which is also a huge thing.

No, it has nothing to do with being cold. It's a tremendous inconvenience to your mom.

If your mom is aware, don't keep reminding her, but if it would please her make a temporary little shrine of maybe a photo, a baseball cap of his favorite team, and a battery powered candle. Say something about him like "boy was he a good grill master" or say nothing but hug her. and know you did your best to have her believe there's even a pretend shared feeling.

If you communicate via phone, take a deep calming breath and put yourself in peaceful frame of mind and say to yourself that as a grand gesture on your part you are responding at this very sensitive time for them. Be careful not to respond to more than what they politely, say, ask or comment on. Don't be curt. You are unflappable. Not all comments must receive a response. Have go-to civil responses (even if it eats up your guts) like. "I'm sorry to hear that". and "I understand" and "It's too bad" and "It's too bad we can't, but I know you can understand". And when they say please let us know if there is anything we can do, thank them. Be a calm giant looking down on the situation.
You may find out something important, even if it's only to know that all along you've been right and they re-enforce all your decisions to self-protect.

Your obligation is to take care of your mom and yourself. Whether she remembers her brother or not is irrelevant. Disrupting her daily routine could be a disaster. I think your decision is a no-brainer--"no funeral attendance, period."

From your post and responses it’s obvious you want no extended contact. I do think you should at the very least respond, via text to the cousin/wife with a short answer

“I’m unable to take calls as it’s difficult to talk due to my recovery status. I’m aware Uncle Has passed. I will update Mom IF her Memory/dementia status makes it sufficiently acceptable and safe to do so.” Please accept my condolences on your loss. Please text me if I’m missing any important/necessary information.

they've experienced a loss, you clearly have not. But totally blocking them could cause confusion and problems for them if there is a property or will issue. It also could cost them and you money/time later as POA if you ignore the situation. Unfortunately you DO have responsibilities if this is the case

you should not get overly involved, or attend funeral but being rude to the cousin you’ve never met seems a bit too much.

good luck.

I know from experience disrupting the flow of things is very hard for someone with Dementia. I would just let them know that your mother is in a memory care place and at this time we can't go to the funeral.

Also I know with covid being around I would keep my mother away from it all. My BIL passed away and we went to the funeral it was a covid spreader about 24 of the people there got covid. My husband and I were the only ones that were masked and everyone said something smart to us.

Protect your mom, keep her calm, Prayers

I believe that you need to do what is best for you and your mom. Since they knew how to contact you that calling the police was an inappropriate way to contact your mom. You know best how to share the news with your mom about her brother or not to share it. How does she deal with other kinds of news? While I think sharing the news about someone;s dying, it really depends on how this kind of news is received, n this situation since many years have passed with no contact, there is no reason to make the trip for the funeral