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My mother's brother (who I have been estranged from for like 40 years, and my mother has been estranged from for about 5 years) has passed away. Because he and his wife and family haven't been in contact with my mom in so long they don't realize that she has now been placed in memory care. My aunt called the police who then called social services who left a note on my mom's door asking her to call. Now I've got my cousin's wife (who I've never even met) calling me trying to reach my mom, presumably to notify her of her brother's passing. I've not called her yet, but the big question here is...what is my obligation in this situation? I'm not particularly fond of these people, but I also realize that this is my mom's brother/family. But I really am not interested in taking my mom out of memory care for any reason other than a complete emergency. My mom was incredibly hard to get in MC to begin with, the whole situation sounds incredible stressful for me as the one that would have to drive/manage her 3 hours each way, and she likely wouldn't remember the entire thing a week after it's over. Am I being incredibly cold hearted in this situation? I just feel like I've reached a point where I just have to protect myself and have some boundaries. I'm an only child, so there's no one else to share this load.

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I read your replies about the cousin texting you and then asking for a phone call, despite you mentioning having COVID (get well soon, by the way). I was glad to read that after blocking her number, you unblocked it. That seemed a little excessive for the crime, but you're well within your rights to say "I am not up for a phone call. Communication will have to be by text or email." She may think it's rude to relay news of a death via text, so you could nip that in the bud by saying that you just became aware of your uncle's death.

I'm an anti phone call person, myself. I've told more than a few people that I'm not taking additional phone calls right now because I need to keep the phone free in case the facility calls (a little white lie), but I encourage emails.
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i come from a family of four siblings. My 90 year old sister, Mary, is in a memory care facility in California. .Our brother, six years younger than my sister, died two years ago in Detroit. Given the distance it was not possible for Mary to attend services for him. Mary asks about him and when she does I tell her he has died. She will express sorrow about his passing but will ask how he is in our next conversation. I tell her again that he has passed away. Point? As a family which has always been close we feel Mary deserves the respect of being told the truth. Mary has lost both our parents, another brother and two husbands. She understands the inevitably of death of those we love. And, fleeting as it might be, she deserves to grieve with us.
All families are different; we’ve chosen a path that won’t work for others. But as a 82 year old, with some memory issues myself, I’ve let my family know I want the truth.
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Do not take your mother out of her memory care facility to go to the funeral. If her brother and his wife have not talked to her in five years they weren't all that close.
I wouldn't even tell her about her brother's passing. She has dementia and it's advanced enough that she's living in memory care. Out of sight, out of mind. Telling her would be harmful. It may even cause a setback in her independence level. That just makes the job of the people who care for her even harder.
I had an elderly, near invalid client who was all but out of it with dementia. When her husband died she was told. This set her back badly for close to a week. Before this shocking news she was still feeding herself and able to drink from a sippy cup independently. Then she wasn't. Her caregivers all agreed that if she asked about him we would say he was in rehab because he fell. Or that he was at work. We did fine with this. She did not attend the funeral service because she couldn't. We asked that people not 'offer their condolences' to her because she'd be hearing it for the first time. Most people who visited respected this. A few didn't and it just made out job harder.
Don't take your mother to the funeral or even tell her. If your cousin or anyone gets insistant explain to them that she has dementia and is living in a memory care facility.
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I'll add one more thought: it may not be in the best interest of your mom to even tell her. We told my mom about the first couple of siblings passing. After years of experience with this (she's 2nd youngest out of 7), we found it best not to mention her close sister passing. She used to ask about her and we would tell her she was not getting out much these days since she and her husband were so elderly (over 90, in this case). Eventually, she just stopped asking. When we told her of deaths earlier, it was so sad to see her upset each time with the 'fresh' news of losing a loved one. We later realized just how unnecessary it was. A few times we've even resorted to comforting assurances of a visit coming soon or something to that effect. But generally, she has just stopped asking and now has limited verbal skills and doesn't hold thoughts for very long. Fibbing to protect their feelings becomes more loving and acceptable, in my opinion, as they advance in their illness. But it is a good instinct that you want to be truthful and helpful. Shows the loving person that you are.
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I see you have 74 answers so far, so I'm sure you've made your decision by now, but.... here's my story: we started excusing ourselves from taking mom to her siblings' funerals several years ago, and she is not even in memory care (still living at home). If doing something doesn't help your mom (which it won't), then the loving and responsible thing to do is to decline. You might just kindly explain that she has declined and is unable to handle or process a social situation such as a funeral. I would expect family and/or friends to understand, as most people have had at least one relative with dementia/Alz and can relate. Would not dare put yourself or your mom through that.
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Nope, nope, nope
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When Mom lost a close cousin recently I told her. I didn't offer to take her to the funeral. When she asked if I would take her I said, "No Mom. I cannot take you. You are unable to get into and out of a car. You can watch the service online." Most funeral homes now offer this. If Mom wants too, let her attend virtually.
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No way should you take her out they are in there own world . And far better off staying there than coming into this awful world we are all living in at the moment

Tare care x
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My mom has a hard time with a 30 minute car ride to the next town over for doctor's visits. I tried driving her one hour back to the town she used to live in before she moved to AL in my town so she could visit old friends, and it totally threw her orientation off for days. It simply isn't worth doing that to her (or me)and those are trips for her pleasure or to meet her needs. If your mom has been estranged and no effort was made by her to reconcile with these family members before her mind started slipping, I would not have to even think about this. Any reconciliation attempt at this point would be for their benefit and not for hers and your priority would be for her needs. Funerals are for closure for family and she likely got that closure long ago when she quit communicating, so if they need something from attempting to reconcile, it needs to be on the terms best for your mom's mental health and well-being. You aren't be being a jerk or insensitive or anything else - you are putting your mom's needs above their needs.
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Honestly...and this may sound incredibly wrong...but my mom is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease...and my number one concern is for my MOM. At this point my mom would not remember her brother if he walked in the room...so I have to ask myself...would it be worth my mom potentially having to deal with the emotional trauma or is it more important to support my mom's current 'world' with the things that make her happy and content in her day to day journey?

Those dealing with memory issues are already living a nightmare on a daily basis...so I've chosen to try to make each day the BEST it can possibly be for my mom. My mom handled the funeral arrangements for her mom (my grandma) years ago...but these days...we talk as if my grannie is at home cooking her infamous Bohemian desserts, etc. I refer to my grandma as if she is still alive and mom doesn't know any different. Why would I need to 'remind' her that her mom died several years ago? It would hit her like it just happened yesterday. Then tomorrow, it would do the same thing.

So when mom asks if I've been by to check on grannie, I say, "mom, grannie is doing fantastic!!", and I can tell that makes mom feel very comforted.

So, I guess you'll need to weigh the fact that your mom has been estranged already for over five years with her brother...and discern if it would be worth her emotional stability to tell her or just not mention it at all and allow her to continue in her 'world' as it is now.

As for the estranged family members...I'd simply say that at this time, there is no way your mom can travel six hours round-trip...it would be simply too taxing on her mental and physical state. They will have to get over it. If your mom was that important to her...they wouldn't be estranged from her in the first place.

Again, this may all be wrong...but I place top priority on the individual dealing with memory issues as their world has already been turned upside down and continues to be on a daily basis...so it boils down to what would benefit your mom the most.

If she would have been very close with her brother it may be completely different because weighing the emotional turmoil she would have to go through would be more justified if she had a close, loving relationship with him.

Just my $.02
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reasoa Jun 2022
Thank you for such a lovely reply. Agree with all that you said. I think sometimes we just need confirmation of our feelings from others, especially when dealing with Alzheimer's/family, etc. Her and her brother were very close growing up and through life, but they haven't been for years...so much so that he and his family don't even know that my mom is in memory care. Her whole side of the family is very dysfunctional and radical, which is why I never wanted anything to do with them. There is no point in telling her this news because it would just be upsetting. She is now content where she is and I'm not rocking the boat.
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Tell your mom that her brother has passed. Allow her to grieve in surroundings that are familiar with people she knows and trusts.

Call cousin's wife and tell them that mom is in memory care and will not be able to attend the funeral. Send a very nice letter and card extending condolences from you and your mother. If you feel the need to do more: give money to a charity. You can always attend the funeral if you so desire, but there really is no obligation. Remember that funerals and memorial services are to help the living not the dead.
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I would reach out to the family and inform them that your mom has dementia and is in a locked down memory care facility and cannot attend the funeral. Send condolences on her behalf. Send flowers if it will make you feel better... or don't.

You do not have to make yourself or your mother uncomfortable for these people.
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All these people who were not concerned about your mom, need not be concerned now. People who can't give someone the time of day in life do not deserve it in anyone's death. You already know the answer, it's obvious in your words. Listen to your heart. My dad was in memory care, most did not inquire or visit. Then they show up at the funeral with excuses. Wishing you and mom the best and your in my prayers.
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No. Your obligation is to first protect your mother’s health and well-being, especially because of the reasons you have outlined.

I pray you will not do this which could greatly harm your mother and/or yourself. Just tell everyone you love them, but that you have prayerfully made this decision, that the decision is final, and that it is not up for discussion. (Setting your boundaries.)

Sending prayers for you to stand strong and be bold and courageous with God’s help.
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reasoa: Your obligation is to protect your mother. YOU know what is best for her and not a relative's family, albeit their member has passed away, who has had zero contact with her "in so long."
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Find out if they will be streaming the funeral on their website or on FB? She can watch it on a laptop.
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Ask your mother, hypothetically, what she would like for you to do in the event of the death of a loved one. You don't have to tell, her, just wondering about her wishes. If she says "No", then there's your answer. If she wants to go, then honor her wishes.
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Please don't not make the trip. It may be possible that the funeral service will be available via Zoom for your mom's viewing if she is able to comprehend what is happenin.
You are doing your mom and yourself no favors and NO you are not being cold hearted but understand the REALITIES of your mom's life quality.
If your cousins and other family members don't understand Shame on them.
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I believe that you need to do what is best for you and your mom. Since they knew how to contact you that calling the police was an inappropriate way to contact your mom. You know best how to share the news with your mom about her brother or not to share it. How does she deal with other kinds of news? While I think sharing the news about someone;s dying, it really depends on how this kind of news is received, n this situation since many years have passed with no contact, there is no reason to make the trip for the funeral
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my2cents Jun 2022
I understood that the family was unable to reach anyone and that was the reason for contacting police...which probably led to social services visit. In fact, there's a comment that cousin called and this poster had not returned the call. Maybe I missed something
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I know from experience disrupting the flow of things is very hard for someone with Dementia. I would just let them know that your mother is in a memory care place and at this time we can't go to the funeral.

Also I know with covid being around I would keep my mother away from it all. My BIL passed away and we went to the funeral it was a covid spreader about 24 of the people there got covid. My husband and I were the only ones that were masked and everyone said something smart to us.

Protect your mom, keep her calm, Prayers
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From your post and responses it’s obvious you want no extended contact. I do think you should at the very least respond, via text to the cousin/wife with a short answer

“I’m unable to take calls as it’s difficult to talk due to my recovery status. I’m aware Uncle Has passed. I will update Mom IF her Memory/dementia status makes it sufficiently acceptable and safe to do so.” Please accept my condolences on your loss. Please text me if I’m missing any important/necessary information.

they've experienced a loss, you clearly have not. But totally blocking them could cause confusion and problems for them if there is a property or will issue. It also could cost them and you money/time later as POA if you ignore the situation. Unfortunately you DO have responsibilities if this is the case

you should not get overly involved, or attend funeral but being rude to the cousin you’ve never met seems a bit too much.

good luck.
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Your obligation is to take care of your mom and yourself. Whether she remembers her brother or not is irrelevant. Disrupting her daily routine could be a disaster. I think your decision is a no-brainer--"no funeral attendance, period."
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What happened that caused the rift between you and your uncle? Did he molest you? Was it a lack of concern for your mom. Were they aware of her condition?
What caused the estrangement between your mom and her brother? Could the misunderstanding be a result of her dementia. Could it be that he also suffered with dementia?
He and his family may have been very involved with his health these last 5 years.

When did Social Services leave the note from your uncle's wife?
Could it be that they are as perplexed wondering why your mom never asked if he may have lost the ability to keep in touch with his sister?

Your cousin's wife tried reaching out to your mom to, presumably you say, let you know that he died and, should we presume, when the funeral is and that presumably he may have left a letter for a her.

To answer your question, from someone who knows about estrangement, civility is in order.

You presume they want her to come to the funeral. You can say, "I'm sorry for your loss. I know that you couldn't have known this but mom has been living in a MC facility". If they are thinking people, and possibly people who have just been through 5 years of the same, they won't ask you to hassle your mom with such an ordeal of not only a 3 hours trip, but good people also understand the prep that's involved which is also a huge thing.

No, it has nothing to do with being cold. It's a tremendous inconvenience to your mom.

If your mom is aware, don't keep reminding her, but if it would please her make a temporary little shrine of maybe a photo, a baseball cap of his favorite team, and a battery powered candle. Say something about him like "boy was he a good grill master" or say nothing but hug her. and know you did your best to have her believe there's even a pretend shared feeling.

If you communicate via phone, take a deep calming breath and put yourself in peaceful frame of mind and say to yourself that as a grand gesture on your part you are responding at this very sensitive time for them. Be careful not to respond to more than what they politely, say, ask or comment on. Don't be curt. You are unflappable. Not all comments must receive a response. Have go-to civil responses (even if it eats up your guts) like. "I'm sorry to hear that". and "I understand" and "It's too bad" and "It's too bad we can't, but I know you can understand". And when they say please let us know if there is anything we can do, thank them. Be a calm giant looking down on the situation.
You may find out something important, even if it's only to know that all along you've been right and they re-enforce all your decisions to self-protect.
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NightHeron Jun 2022
Talk about not respecting boundaries! Those first two sentences are none of our business.
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You don't give a lot of information about your mother's mental state. There are different stages of dementia. But you should trust your own instincts about whether she can handle a long car trip and a funeral, whether she would even understand what is going on, and whether this would produce anxierty for her. If you'd have to watch over her every minute of the trip, it's probably not a good idea. Call your aunt to tell her that your mother is now in memory care, and that she and you regretfully won't be able to attend her brother's funeral. Speak with your mother and find out if she remembers her brother, and if she does, you can decide if it is the right time to tell her that her brother has passed away. Changes of venue can be difficult for people in memory care. You can also speak to the staff at her facility to ask them if they think she should be told about her brother's passing, and the best way to do it. It's not cold-hearted. You are trying to do the best for your mother and to keep her in a positive mental state.
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Just text them that you KNOW about the uncle’s passing. They probably don’t want to inform someone of a relative’s death via text. The whole nonsense will be over when they understand you already know. You’ve told them your mom is in memory care. That’s all the information they need…unless the uncle left his sister a wad of money…😨
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NightHeron Jun 2022
Exactly. A lot of people view it as inappropriate to communicate by text when it comes to a death. The cousin's wife might think it would be rude of her to deliver the news by text. It's not necessarily a boundary disrespect thing. So just text that you know, mention condolences, say the mother is in no condition to travel, and give an email address where they can contact you if they have anything further to share.
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Lots of answers to your question here, so I'm probably repeating what others have said. I've somehow missed the reason the family got the police and social services involved to let you know that her brother had died but that's beside the point. Anyway, my suggestion (probably like a lot of others here) is to send them a polite note bringing them up to date on what's going on in both your lives. As for the any will, the usual practice is for the executor to contact the beneficiary by mail. One does not have to be present at the reading of a will, as we see in movies and television shows.
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I don't think they are looking to have this woman attend the funeral. I think they just want some info for the obit as another poster had stated. I don't think one phone call to see what they want is out of the question. I would not entertain multiple phone calls though.
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My mother has dementia. A year and half ago, my youngest sister, her daughter, died. When I told her, it was just, "Oh that's awful," then 10 minutes later she did not remember it. There is no reason to take a dementia patient out of their familiar surroundings to drive that far for an event that will only cause both of you stress.
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These comments on here to take mother is ridiculous. WHY WHY WHY would anyone want to put a loved one through that. Especially since theres all so been an estranged relationships for many years.
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This would have been simpler if you had just called them when a note went on her door. Even though estranged, you have to be thankful they made an attempt to locate your mom when they couldn't reach her. Think about some folks who are found dead in a house only after someone notified authorities that the person needs a wellness check up. The fact that they they thought she still lives at her home, and none of y'all are talking, they really wouldn't have known if you were still alive looking after her. So, in that respect, I think that should warm your heart a little.

As for taking her to a funeral 3 hours away -- can she make a long trip like that? Assuming you'd probably have to spend the night, so would hotel room create more confusion. You know her limits at this point. Does she talk about the brother, does she still have good short term memory (would she remember if you told her that brother died, would she remember why she's in a car going for a 3 hr drive, would she remember the brother's family)? If it will just cause her confusion and she never asks about brother anyway, then forego the trip. But, there should be nothing stressful about calling the cousin back and telling them mom in memory care and unable to make a long trip. Period. Since they reached out to tell you about brother, you can be considerate enough to tell them about your mom.

I don't think this really has anything to do with boundaries being overstepped - just a phone call to exchange info. Perhaps it's more about built up anger of caring for your mom with no help. And if they live 3 hrs away, there was probably little they could have helped with anyway. With mom in memory care, I can only hope you have some relief and more freedom without the caregiving role and can now conduct visits as a daughter.
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