Should I go over my dad's head and contact mom's Dr. myself about this?

Hello everyone,

I posted a few months back (you can read my previous post for reference) regarding my mom and her mental state, and how my dad is not doing anything about it.

I decided for my own sanity that I needed to step away from the situation as there was nothing I could do. I haven't seen or spoken to my mom in months, and I quit speaking to my dad until just recently. I got fed up with offering suggestions to help only to be told "That won't work", or "That's just cruel, we can't put your mom in a home just because she's quirky".

Mom's behavior is is so beyond "quirky ". She still does the "birdbath" at the kitchen sink for as long as she can stand up, sometimes for hours on end. She hasn't eaten food in probably over a month according to my dad, and lives solely off Ensure Plus. Her weight has plummeted to 73lbs as of her most recent trip to the emergency room this past week. The only reason I took dad's call is because I thought he finally had enough and was going to demand an unsafe discharge, basically that he can no longer care for her and try to do an e.r. dump.

Dad took her to urgent care earlier that afternoon, and her dr said to drive her by car to the e.r and that the dr would provide notes to the e.r. staff about her "malnutrition ". Mom got frustrated after about an hour, and made my dad take her back home before she could be seen by the dr. Dad called me to vent his frustration that nobody will help him and nobody cares.

I should also preface this latest entry with a new "behavior" that mom has been doing since my original post earlier this year. In addition to her having bladder accidents on her sofa and carpet, now she has a new one: she stopped using the bathroom entirely. Yes, you read correctly, she no longer uses any toilet at all. What does she do?? She has what I believe is another "ritual", where my dad told me that he's walked in on her in the kitchen, and he says she has been going to the bathroom into those small styrofoam cups, like the ones you get at the dollar store in a big package. She takes layers of paper towels (Dad told me he goes they a case of Costco paper towels every week), then the somehow manages to "hover" over the little cup while she pees and poops. That's not all. She also has opioid induced constipation per her dr, and she is using her hands to manually remove poop from herself and she packs it into the little cups. While she is doing this, she is getting urine and feces all over herself and the floor, even though she puts down the paper towels. So, my question is, is this dementia, because she was tested supposedly and no dementia. She told dad she had an accident and couldn't make it to the toilet, but the bathroom is only a few feet from where she was. If this were a legitimate accident, she wouldn't be getting the paper towels, cups, and trash bags ahead of time, I believe. Dad sent me pictures on his phone of her bag of poop in a cup, and I lost it. He still says there's nothing he can do, nobody will help him, etc., etc.

I do not have the finances nor the desire to obtain guardianship. My mom was extremely abusive to me my whole life and still is, so I have nothing to do with her anymore. I do worry about my dad's mental state as nobody in their right mind would have put up with her for 56 plus years. Any other person would have left decades ago. I have offered many times to accompany him to the dr appointments, but he won't allow me to. He does not want the state involved, because he owns a home (not paid for yet) and he cannot afford private pay, she he'd have to sell his house just to place her, from my understanding.

I have thought many, many times about calling anonymously to report what's going on over there, but I always stop myself; I've even thought about sending an email to her dr, just to give her my perspective, since mom and dad aren't honest and lie/omit important details, which is preventing her from getting the care she needs. What do I do now?