My mom passed away very recently. She was my dad's caretaker and spouse. They were married 47 years and she handled everything for them. Now he’s 75 in a big house all alone with his own health issues. He asked me to move back in with my son and I know it seems selfish but I love my independence. At the same time I don’t want to not be there for him. Life is too short in every way. I’m not married I’m a single parent so is he really asking that much? Idk just trying to think this out.
However, I think (not that you should post that information here) more information would be necessary to provide a firm answer.
Other factors are:
Are there other siblings/children?
What is your financial situation?
What is his financial situation?
What would happen to the big house if he goes on Medicaid?
You should make a plan that has the best outcome.
One thing is for sure: the house should be put in a trust ASAP so that, if he does go on Medicaid, you have a chance of getting it. And that needs to be done before he may become mentally incapacitated to sign off on that (dementia/etc). You will find plenty of information here on that. However, you should seek advice and do research on this, first. Skilled nursing is usually somewhere around 8K-10K a month and on up. Without a trust you will lose the house. If a primary caregiver is living with the parent and they pass, in some states you do not lose the house.
There is a lot to consider, but, as mentioned, the safe route would be that immediately provided by the others here (assisted living).
But you should do your research.
:-)
There are probably just as many or more that do not have good relationships and such an arrangement would be a disaster waiting to happen.
Do his health issues involve you becoming a caregiver for him in the very near future?
If so I would decline this offer to move in and encourage him to look into Assisted Living, or Independent Living communities that also have AL and Memory Care if he should ever have to utilize either.
I would think getting dad involved in Senior programs that would keep him busy and give him a purpose would be high on the list of things to do for him.
What does your son think about this? He should have a say.
Will he and your dad get along? Will dad grumble about all the stuff that "we older folk" grumble about, music is loud, on the devices (computer, phone, tablet...) for too long, makes a mess, makes noise, stays up all hours, won't turn off the lights..and on and on.
And a tough one for you..this is dad's house. Not yours. Are you going back to when you were a kid and it is "his house, his rules"? or are you going to be treated like an equal, like an adult you are and not a child?
If you are currently renting this might be an easy thing to try out for a while and if it does not work you can begin the arduous process of finding another place and moving once again.
If you are in your own home this becomes a more difficult decision.
I do not think I would want to sell my house and move.
WOW reading this back I find that I am sitting right on the fence. I can see a win win on one hand but trouble on the other.
He will expect you to be his new wifey and caretaker, is that really what you want your life to look like? He will consume you and your son, who should be your priority. Don't do this to your son or you for that matter.
Sending support your way.
If you see no benefit, then it's probably time to talk to Dad about assisted living and how he could afford that move where he would be surrounded by new friends and many activities.
big NOPE
he was gonna do Assisted Living near us (same area of another son/family). Even looked at condos, etc. What happened? Other son/wife encouraged him to buy ANOTHER home near HER parents. On a golf course with a country club. 1 1/2 hours from us
isnt selling first house. Still complains he’s “lonely”
we are out, no longer offer advice or get involved past normal visits. My hubs even agreed, brother/wife did the “encouraging” so THEY have a getaway. And a place once he’s gone.
i hate people. lolol
DO NOT MOVE IN. Loneliness is tough, but at 75 he’s still young enough to live life. Let him make some mistakes and learn how to live it’s hard, but it is life.
if he lives 15 more years, where will you be? Your kid will be grown (or soon to be) & gone. And it’ll be your turn alone in a big house.
personally I was adopted and was never close to my parents but that did not stop me from preparing for the life to come. I saved for elder years and think I am set for a time with “assistants” but if ever I become totally disabled I would end my life. I have seen too many family members kept alive just because medical science can do it.
That happens ALL the time. The senior parent will expect their adult child to become a slave to them and they will stop doing anything for themselves or even trying.
My mother did this when I came back a few years ago. She was still independent and doing for herself, only she couldn't drive anymore. She expected that I would just become a slave to her. She was a hypochondriac all her life and has a history of untreated mental illness (refused to ever pursue treatment).
She learned the hard way. I do almost nothing for her because I refuse to.
People have to be careful when they consider moving back in with an aging parent.
If you want no part of living with your father for whatever reason you have, by all means do not do it. Depending on how much care your father neefs, maybe a live-in care taker would be the right choice. If he just needs help with property maintenance or perhaps some driving, consider a younger housemate. If he needs help with finances and paperwork, you need to be sure hired help for that task is trustworthy, or if you live close by, maybe you could come in once a week or so to pay bills, and file paperwork.
Just some thoughts from someone for whom moving in with a parent worked well!
Check into senior centers, meal delivery and anything else that would enhance his day to day. With your mom gone, he will get lonely. There are companies like "seniors helping seniors" that you could hire. They can run to the store and put away his groceries, cook him a meal and just be companionship for him.
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Do not move in. When the time comes, by which I mean after a reasonable period of mourning, your father should sell the house that is now too big for him and move into a community that offers continuing care.
Do not allow him to transfer his dependence on your late mother to you. Not good for either of you, or for your son.
I would instead, if you wanted to help, assist him by looking around at local senior centers and similar things if he insists on living alone (keeping the house).. stuff like the county's local corporation for aging -- which can help by sending home health aides to assist him with the more difficult things for him to manage. Even if you have over a certain $ you can get "options" program (which is what my mom had before she moved in with me). I don't remember enough about it to explain it clearly, but it is basically the kind of thing you can access to help keep someone in their own home for longer. Hiring someone is also an option. Otherwise ways to try to keep him independent, like preparing meals for the week on the weekend, helping him coordinate doctor appointments, etc, could do versus going all the way to the "move back in" stage. There are options
Meals on Wheels or Mobil meals is a better solution to any senior remaining independent with prop ups.
If you need to move in, I would be clear about what you will/won't do and how long you will stay. Be clear about expectations up front or you both will end up frustrated.
Personally, I would never move in with a parent who needs caregiving of any type. I also value my independence too much and would find it very constricting.
You cannot be his option. Our parents did us no favor spoiling the other. My Mom spoiled my Dad. TG he went first. I would not have done for him what Mom did.
I'm with everyone else on this board. It is not selfish to want to remain independent.
He could sell the house and move to an independent living facility. He will meet people his own age.
You know if she waited on him hand and foot, what he expected her to do for him, the house, etc. Are you prepared to step into that role? Because he will expect that.
I would encourage him to sell the house and move into a senior community that he can buy the services he needs and have others his age to do things with.
If you move into his home, you will lose your independence and he will resume the role as DAD. I wouldn't recommend subjecting yourself to being under the authority of your parent, it won't sit well.
I am sorry for your loss.
Personally, I would not move in with him. I would not be his "plan" and be assumed into caregiving. Better to encourage him to downsize and relocate as close to you as possible. If he "has his own health issues" then I would strongly encourage a care community where he can easily move to different levels of care when (not "if") he eventually needs it.
I live next door to my 93-yr old Mom. It was awesome for her to be so close to her 3 grandsons. There are days when it is still not enough separation, as now her judgment is lapsing and she wanders over whenever she gets the notion and interrupts without "reading the room", among many other developing intrusions.
You are having a gut feeling about moving in with him, and I think you need to pay attention to it. He may be disappointed if you don't move in, but you need to read the stories on this forum of people who live with their aging parents and how it eventually drains the adult children. Your first priority is your son and you.
Evamar summed it up, "...not selfish, just realistic."
That said, it's always suggested to help a parent out in any way we possibly can. To abandon them is never recommended, at least not by me or any members of this forum. There are a ton of ways you can help your dad w/o moving in with him and subjecting yourself & your son to that lifestyle! What about Assisted Living for him? That would open up a whole new lifestyle for HIM that would help him socialize with other peers his own age, have meals served, entertainment available, etc. My father loved AL b/c he got to play cards with 'the men' without my mother nagging him for a few hours at a pop! Mom got to schmooze with the women about how irritating her husband was w/o being bugged by her husband for a few hours at a pop! It was a win-win situation for both of them, in reality. People paint a horrible picture of AL when in reality, it's like a hotel and day camp for seniors.
If that's not an option, you can arrange in home caregivers to come in and help dad with whatever he needs. You can arrange to stop by on X days for X hours and visit with him, without disrupting your peace and lifestyle for you and your son. You can even arrange grocery delivery for him or whatever else he needs w/o sacrificing your LIFE in the process.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a plan that works well for ALL concerned, not JUST dad.
Would your father be open to some different living options? Like selling his big house that he doesn't need and maybe moving to a nice senior community. He wouldn't be alone and might like socializing with other people his own age.
If that isn't his thing, maybe he could rent out a couple of rooms at his place. It would mean extra money and his renters (if they're given a good deal) would help out with the upkeep of the place and provide some company for your father.
Would your father consider selling his house now and buying a duplex-style home (which he puts in your name because you're his heir? You and your son could live next door to him, but you'd still each have your own place. Just some options to consider.