I have been caring for my mom by myself for 7+ years. I have been starting to feel caregiver burnout lately. My boyfriend, who has been VERY UNDERSTANDING, has said that he thinks I need to talk to someone professional. I don't think so. I mean being able to be on this site has really helped me and I don't really see how talking to a professional will help me. They will probably want to give me drugs, which I don't want. I really value the people on here because unlike a "professional psychiatrist" you all KNOW what I am going through.
I guess I should tell you what the issue is with my mom. She has started smoking again. She is on 3 different types of b.p. meds because of the strainon her heart from the sstrain on her lungs. No heart disease-yet. But she and I fight about the cigarettes. She stopped with the help of the patches. I want her to live a long life, but I fear that the cigarettes are shortening her life. What do I do? Keep buying and making them for her knowing that they are killing her. Or do I fight her about every cigarette she smokes? I have always been the accommodating child. But I am at a loss here. This is why my boyfriend said I need to talk to a professional. So that is why I am asking all of you---my professional people. I will take all of your opinions over a professional any day. Please tell me what I should do.
Ask your Mom what does she get out of smoking? Does it make her feel calmer? If yes, then that tells me it is the action of deeply inhaling... one can get the same affect with a soda straw cut in half.
Or is it a strong physical need created by the nicotine? If yes, then that is much harder to deal with. You need to find something else for her to do whenever she gets that strong urge to smoke.... even if it means eating something with a lot of calories... better to put on some weight then to be pulled down by lung damage by a cigarette.
You mentioned you Mom had started smoking "again". So that also tells me she can quit. Do you know what happened in her life to make her start smoking once again?
Seeing a professional does not necessarily mean that you need to be on any medication, but talking it through it may help you to get a better perspective on your family dynamics and find solutions that work for you, something that you may not accept hearing from your boyfriend and that you may be too close to see clearly for yourself.
If she's living with you, the house is a SMOKE FREE zone. That's non-negotiable. If you're living with her, it's going to be a 24/7 catfight -- in installments. ... And your man isn't going to hang around long enough to see how it ends if you don't stop being so accommodating ... and obstinate.
Draw the line. Next time she lights one up, take it out of her mouth.
I've tried everything to help her to quit. I ordered the patches for her. I bought her sugar free lollipops to help with the oral fixation. I've written her letters expressing my concerns about the future of her health. But the fact of the matter is is that she doesn't wanna quit. They have to WANT to quit. It's sucks because it's like we're watching a love one commit a slow suicide. Believe me I KNOW your frustration. I'm still coming to terms and learning to just accept things. I'm not saying we should give up on our mothers, but we need to realize they're just some things we can't change.
I think finding a therapist could be a really good outlet for you. You might not even need medication. Sometimes just learning better coping mechanisms can make a world of difference. My old therapist was AMAZING. She was very laid back and chill, she had a great sense of humor. I learned a lot from her. Even though we talked about a lot of serious and depressing things she added some much needed levity to our sessions, which helped a lot, because I have a very melancholic temperament and I can be rather intense. So, you know therapy doesn't always have to be a drag or this huge thing. If nothing else it can just be a place for you to blow off steam in a judgment free zone.
Anyway I'm sending you and you mom lots of good vibes and I hope something clicks and she quits for good :))
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