So I don't really know where to start but basically 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together, my gf's mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.
She went to live with her parents and it's looking like we won't be able to move in together for a long time. Initially I wanted to break up because I didn't want to do long distance, but she wanted it to work. She says we can go back to dating/talking and see where it goes from there. We have plans to be together for Thanksgiving and we talk seldom on the phone, but this situation is too hard for me.
I really wanted to live with her and start our lives together, but she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her (she has reiterated this on several occasions). We have been communicating less and less. We live in separate states and weekends aren't always off for me.
Another issue is that I'm a in the military so I don't choose where I live. I would need at least 8 months more to join her, but I can't organize anything since I don't know if she will still want to be together by then, or worse she finds someone else whom she is interested in.
On the one hand I feel like she doesn't care enough about me and on the other I feel insensitive and selfish for asking of all that.
So, I guess I needed your input since you might understand what she's going through.
"she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her"
There is a post going on right now where a woman left her husband and children to take care of her parents for years. She got no sympathy. Last I read of that post, she sees no wrong in what she did either. So, if you marry, seems ur GF will see no problem in leaving you to go to her parents. And they are in their
40s. Dad should be caring for his wife. She needs to teach him what he needs to know if she does die. What does Mom think, DD will come and care of Dad?
I think your being realistic here. You really have not been together long enough to do the waiting game. You also said she took the whole relationship pretty fast. The calls are slowing down, take advantage of that. Use it as a way to tell her, things are not the same. She has responsibilities. I have a job that transfers me to different places. I need someone who is there for me. If you plan on the Military as a career and ur an Officer, you need a strong woman that will stand beside u. My SIL was an AF wife for 20 yrs. In those yrs she packed up (2 children) 5xs. 6 if you count when he got out of the service and was able to settle in one place. One x they were stationed overseas. There was no way my SIL could run and help her parents.
I think ur the smart one here. For so many reasons, this relationship is not working. Dating is where u find out what you want and need in a person that u will spend your life with. This girl has already told u, her parents come first. Thats not how it should be. Parents let their children go so they can grow, mature and have lives if their own. They become a small part of their children's lives, not the center of it any longer.
My suggestions would be to discuss the difficulties with GF. Say that you still care about her, but both of you are ‘released’ from whatever commitments you made to each other. That includes her relationship with mother and whatever relationships you choose yourself. You will keep in touch occasionally to see how things have changed and how each of you feel about trying again with each other. Best wishes and good luck all round.
You've already got a lot on your plate with your service, and she's not going to be able to commit or focus on a relationship until they get her mom's health sorted out.
She's happy to have you around for moral support, but it doesn't sound like she's able to reciprocate. As you wrote, things are already slipping a bit. I'd say just let it go.
Remember the past is a guidepost, not a hitching post!
Take care!
Best of luck.
Giving care to people takes a lot out of people. She may or may not have the time for you and the relationship. If you stay, you may or may not begin to resent the time she devotes to her parents.
I applaud her for making the tough decision to help her parents out. She will probably be a terrific caregiver should a loved one get sick. However, for right now, the time is not right for you and her.
I suggest you move on.
P.S. You are not being selfish and insensitive by moving on. You are acknowledging that you don't want to compete with her parents. You are also a caring, sensitive individual by not forcing her to chose between you and her parents at this critical time of their life. When her crisis is over, if you and she are still available, you and she can decide whether you want to resume the relationship or keep it right where it is. Both of you will be different people at that time, too.
You aren't married. Love isn't enough. There have to be shared understandings and agreements about many basics in life, and I am grateful you have met this one now. It doesn't bode well that you cannot allow for some time and see where this is going; it means you are not invested for the long term and that your relationship is more one of need than of shared understanding. That's fine. It is best recognized.
I would tell her that you have this limitation, embrace it, and you should remain friends and move on with your lives would be my advice.
You say that your girlfriend has a strong bond with her mom, but from someone from the outside looking in, it appears to me that your girlfriend has an unhealthy and perhaps even co-dependent bond with her mom. And that should be a HUGE red flag to you, as that doesn't bode well for you in the future should you continue to be together.
I would cut your ties now and move on as you deserve so much better. I hope you know that. Don't ever settle!
It’s sad but I think I would give her the space to do what she needs to do. If you don’t want to be supportive and see how it might go in the next few months, then you should move on.
P.S. if we were in the same state/city, then this wouldn't be an issue at all.
Move on, don’t look back. You will meet someone else. It’s fresh in your mind now, but trust me, one day she will only be a distant memory for you.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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