According to a dementia specialist, my mom is in the advanced stages of vascular dementia. It is her 80th birthday coming up next month and all she ever talks about is going to the beach for a holiday (her absolute favourate place). It is an 8-hour drive or about a 5-hour process by air (with travel to airport, having to be there an hour before the flight, 2-hour flight and taxi to hotel, etc).
She has had a hip replacement on both hips due to falls in the last two years and needs 24-hour nursing care.
Here is my question; I feel like this may be her last birthday and it's a big one (80th). Do I take her away for a few days to the beach? I know in her head it's an idyllic holiday (but she was last there with my dad who passed away in 2020). It is going to be extremely hard work for me as she's up 3-4 times in the night, needs to be bathed and watched constantly. If I knew she would love this holiday I wouldn't hesitate but I'm worried that being out of routine, the long trip and the stress of getting back to frail care will make her worse.
Any advise please from someone who's tried to take their elderly parent away on holiday. I don't want to regret not doing everything I can for her but I also don't want this to be a disaster.
Are there are really nice hotels near you? I'm thinking a lovely room, a nice meal on site, a swimming pool with a garden setting. Two nights. Close to home so you can bail out if need be.
Not the beach.. but a compromise?
Thank you
My Mom does NOT have vascular dementia. However, I can tell you that she enjoys her outings, but really needs someone to give her complete care, whatever that means in her mind. What that means to me, is that when she needs to go to the toilet, I better find a toilet. If she is hungry, I need to have food that she can eat on hand. Luckily, she can sleep in her wheelchair, however, to take a shower, I need to find an handicapped shower. Also, she doesn't like being cold....or hot....
As for me, I know that I can not go through the stress of taking my Mom on an extended vacation any longer. It isn't the work involved, it is the other stuff, like her insistence of going somewhere that I cannot take her and her mindset of she can do x when she clearly is not capable of doing x.
Can you find a full time caregiver who is willing to go to the beach with you? Would that help your anxiety?
What does your Mom like most about going to the beach? Can you provide that in a different way? She probably will not be able to go into the sand. nor go swimming.
I think it would be great if you could provide your Mom with this opportunity. However, first, you need to figure out whether you can handle it or not. Your Mom will be getting her cues from you.
When I visit, I normally spend around 2 hours with her and take her to the shops and I'm utterly exhausted when I drop her back at frail care. Its not her fault but it's the constant cycle of the same questions that are draining. I'm not sure I can handle that for 3-4 days.
What she likes about the beach is just sitting and watching the waves and smelling the sea air - it's just memories of our annual family holidays from as far back as I can remember. I'm just worried that it's not going to live up to her memories.
Thanks again - you've given me a few things to ponder.
Would she even remember the trip?
How about getting a nice beach scene to play on her TV (with realistic sounds)? And then she can see the beach whenever she wants!
The other thing that concerns me is the mode of transportation . If you are on an airplane and your mom has a problem you can’t just stop and get out . Would she get agitated, distressed, upset being in such a confined crowded space as an airplane ? At least a car you can stop and get out and stretch , or turn around and go back etc . Personally, I wouldn’t travel too far with a frail person .
I agree with the plan B , something closer to home, and bring along help .
Do something special for her at or near her home.
Taking her now would be a disaster for her, you, and everyone else you would have to take along as support staff because there's no way one person can handle an elder with advanced dementia along with the taxis, plane, airport, hotel, luggage, 24-hour nursing care, etc... I truly hope you're not considering taking her on your own.
For her 80th maybe do a beach-themed get together. Serve seafood dishes, do beach-themed decorations. A little party.
Don't take her on a long trip to the beach. This is a bad idea.
When my own Mom was in a nursing home with advance dementia, she thought the nursing home was a hotel. After my Dad visited with Mom, later Mom thought Dad had gone on a bus tour and left her behind. There was no way to convince her otherwise, due to the dementia.
A friend of mine, who's wife had advanced Alzheimer's, took a trip to the beach, They took along her caregiver. It was exhausting as his wife mind was that of a child, and it took both of them to keep watch on her, so she wouldn't just dart away. After they returned the Agency who had that caregiver was trying to bill him for 24 hours of care for each day they were away, instead of the normal 8 hours per day. He wound up paying the extra cost.
Those with upper stages of dementia need routine. When my Dad moved into Memory Care, the only time he left the building was to a doctor's appointment. We just didn't want to rock the boat by taking him out to visit or weekend trips.
Create a "beach party" for her where she is. Get some sea shells and leis at a craft store, play some Jimmy Buffet music, and get her a cake decorated to look like the beach.
Does she like crafts at all. Could you help her make a scrapbook or a photobook of this and other beaches. Our memories cannot be returned to us intact and real. They are our memories, to be cherished as such.
How kind you are to think to try this. But anything, even a video would be preferrable to trying such an undertaking.
Have you taken your mom out for an extended time recently?
Are you able to SAFELY get her in and out of a car?
Have you been able to get her into a public restroom and use a toilet and possibly change her in the bathroom???
Have you gone to a restaurant? Is she able to handle the noise, confusion and been able to have a meal? allow you and others to enjoy their meal?
Have you been able to keep her out for 5, 6, 8 hours without her wanting to "go home"?
And...
Would you take a caregiver with you to help you? Not a family member but a caregiver that knows her, knows how to settle her down if she gets agitated?
Are you prepared to turn around and return home when you are half way there, or once the plane lands would you book the next flight back or rent a car if she wants to go home?
Very good point.
The anxious will want 'home'.
My personal experience: Once we took lengths to get to a lovely park. Warm, not hot. Light breeze, not windy. Hardly 5 mins. "Go back inside now".
Outings like that had become no longer suitable. We just didn't know yet.
I took my mom on a couple of cruises. They were her fave thing to do.
On the first one, her dementia wasn't so bad but she had mobility problems and used a wheelchair to get around. A friend and a cousin went with us to help. Mom complained of pain, and we took her to the ship's doctor, who didn't help much because mom couldn't say what hurt, maybe she just wanted to complain? It was a major project to get her in and out of the wheelchair, up and down the ramps, etc. She was crabby (maybe because of pain? who knows?), demanding, and accused us of talking to each other more than to her. People were rude. For instance, we're waiting for an elevator on the ship because one of us would push her in and stay with her, and the others would then use the stairs - but people trampled right past that wheelchair and stuffed the elevator, leaving no room for mom. We sometimes waited for 5 or 6 elevators before getting one with room.
The second cruise, we took mom, her full-time 24/7 caregiver, and 3 relatives plus me to help. Bathrooms were a problem, mom was a problem, she'd insist we push her around everywhere for no reason, and had no idea of our difficulty. She couldn't use an electric scooter. She couldn't physically get off the ship to sightsee, and someone had to stay with her at all times. We had to rent a van with special equipment to get her to and from the ship. She still had pain - who knows where?
Mom had a good time --she got her wish to cruise--but we were all exhausted afterward.
It's confusing for them. Their brain illness makes it impossible to know how to act normally. Mom didn't understand why we weren't on time for the shows because she didn't recall having to wait for an elevator. It was unclear how much she recalled of the last cruise afterward, even in the next few days or weeks.
At some point, we must accept that they are not as before - and this should be that time for you.
When my father was 80 he was in good shape and lived on his own. He heard I wanted to go to Disney World and wanted to come along. I thought it would be a good idea as I would have someone to split the cost of a hotel room and he'd get to spend quality time with his grandkids. Worst-decision-ever! For a man who could run through a casino, he could barely get through the airport. I was a nervous wreck at the park trying to keep an eye on two excited pre teens and an 80 year old man lagging behind. Someone later suggested I should have gotten him a wheelchair. I asked them what type of vacation for me would it have been if I was pushing someone around in a wheelchair all day. Funny how everyone forgets it is your vacation too. Often we would leave him to sit and people watch while we ran off to hit a ride or two. When I vacation I want to cover a lot of ground but I couldn't because I felt like I had to keep checking on him. Day 2 he stayed at the hotel while we went to the park. I felt like my once in a lifetime vacation for my kids was a disappointment because we couldn't do all the things we wanted to do. Remember this was a man who still lived on his own and was pretty much self sufficient.
For his 93rd birthday when he was in AL I picked up McDonald's and ate with him in his room. He couldn't handle anything more than that.
These things never go as well as the fantasy in our minds.
You have a good heart for wanting to do this but trust the advice from all- it will not go well.
Stop thinking in terms of what a normally functioning elder can tolerate and start thinking in terms of how to make both of your lives easier by keeping things local and super simple. Bring the party to HER and both of you will likely get more out of the experience.
I know how hard this is......wishing you the best of luck with your plans.
I agree with everyone that says to bring any festivities to the facility.
I think it’s really important to go with the flow, so to speak.
Years ago, I toured a lovely assisted living facility that I was considering for my mom. It had a beautiful large dining room that could be reserved for a resident and their family to enjoy holiday dinners together.
Families could bring their home cooked or catered meals and celebrate the occasion with their family members at the facility.
The person who gave the tour said that a mother who was a resident at the facility thought she had cooked the feast that everyone enjoyed. In the past, this woman cooked big holiday meals for her family.
The family went along with it all! They told her, “Mom, you really outdid yourself this year! Everything is delicious!” Mom was happy and they were happy.
Have a party at her facility, do a beach theme, maybe show a beach movie of some kind, Serve fun food with it.
She is in no condition to travel, and you have no idea what a mess this will turn out to be, let that idea go.
Take care!