My 87-year-old father began living with me three months ago because he isn’t strong enough to completely care for himself. He is also having short-term memory problems.
Last week he decided he wants to go back to his home, across the country, and turn the garage into a library. There’s no way he could physically do this, but he insists he can. What should I say to him?
It seems that there is no possibility of his embarking on this project unaided, so what harm can result from his talking about it? And along the way, as you discuss the library scheme, you might come across ideas that would make him happier where he is (and therefore much more fun to have in your home).
Do you know what triggered this plan?
In reality this would genuinely take a lot of planning, and the planning could take weeks or months. It would if I was going to do it myself! I go through my own books every couple of years, shed the books I don't want to keep, change where they are so I can find them easily, and decide which ones to reread straight away. And of course his library can’t be started until it’s all planned. Lots of lists, lots of sketches, just heaps to think through. Sounds like a good idea to me!
In my experience with my Mom she comes up with things like this from time to time and we would often ask her how she was going to do this or that going through the steps needed to accomplish whatever it was, she would realize she wasn’t able to do the thing rite now but we never closed the book on it forever. Other than driving, that she still brings up from to time to time and we have stopped walking her through why that can’t happen and just say “that’s not happening, that ship has sailed” and last time I said that to her she said “I know, I just like to dream” Now we often go along with her doing something if she wants to because we know she can’t possibly accomplish it without our help and apparently so does she. Most often without even asking how she is going to accomplish something she decides she isn’t going to do (whatever it is) today or this week but she will do it next year and then the topic either never comes up again or it pops back up 6 mos later and we let her do it if she wants and can on her own, picking and choosing the things we let go and the things we help her talk herself out of. I can only imagine how hard it is not being able to do so many things, having your world get smaller because your mind and or body is letting you down, trapped in a failing body when your spirit is 30 years younger. I know how hard it is for me just watching both my mom and dad slow down and loose various abilities I can only begin to understand how hard it is for them. I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated with Mom but I’m not always good at trying to put myself in her shoes, guess Ill find out soon enough! Anyway there isn’t really any point in adding insult to injury by telling someone they aren’t able to do something they already know somewhere inside they can’t.
None of this is easy on any of us, our parents and loved ones included but I think it will be easier on him and you will feel much better about it if you don’t squash his plans or dreams just guide them when you have to and listen without positive or negative reaction the rest of the time. I feel better when I check myself and remember to do this anyway. Good luck.
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