Ok I have a question. I just found out by searching online that my 63 year old brother died. In 1994, a few months after my dad died, my middle older brother blew off the whole family. I do have another brother, the first born also. I don’t know what happened if he had a falling out with my brother or mom. She can’t figure it out but I think maybe older brother probably had some words with him over something or asked for money,etc.. and he was gone. This was now 28 years ago. My older brother tried contacting him for a few years while he still lived in our state but he wouldn’t respond. A few years later he moved out of state I’m guessing due to his job, and also remarried. My older brother found that out from googling. A few years ago I looked online and figured if I can find a phone number maybe I will talk to him just to say hi. He had absolutely no beefs with me (I was his younger sister by 10 years) anyway no luck. There was no pictures or info on him at all other then addresses he lived at or phone numbers that were old. Very strange. Anyway I decided to Google again yesterday and finally something came up and wasn’t expecting it. An obituary with his picture and drum set (he was a drummer and software engineer) which he died 4 days ago. I’m a bit sad even though he blew us all off I remember being a kid and having the best time with him.
Now the question is do I tell my mother? Yes she was upset over the years especially in the beginning after my dad died, I think It took a long time for her to accept it. What is my role now that I have this information? It is her son and I feel she should know. My older daughter says not to tell her so I’m not sure what to do and and would like other peoples opinion on this...
My mom has been in rehab the past month. She is doing ok with her rehab after she had a fall 6 weeks ago. She got injections in her knee to help get her around and is doing the therapy and everything they ask of her. I’m not sure how much longer she will be there or what the end result is going to be. She seems fine mentally no dementia or anything that I can tell. Any advice would be appreciated.
Your mother certainly ought to be told, only it doesn't have to be by you and it doesn't have to be now, straight away.
I lost my brother last year. He was 65. My Mother is 91 and has dementia. She can still function on her own for the most part but the dementia is still prominent. When my brother died, I hard a very hard time deciding whether I should tell her.
Being a Mother myself, I felt it was her right to know. Even if she forgot tomorrow, I felt strongly that she should know. This was her child and I felt that I should be the one to tell her. I imagined if someone else had told her. The betrayal she might feel that I knew and I didn’t tell her. My Mom had a right to grieve.
I’m so glad I told her. Which ever decision you make, I hope you get through this with peace in your heart.
I am a mom and I would NOT want to know! It would break my heart.
It would be like ripping a scab off. A person truly has to ask themselves what would be the motive for telling her.
She can’t speak to him. He’s dead. She has lost him once, being MIA, so to speak and she has accepted it.
So, if she learns of his death now, she learns that he is permanently gone.
It seems incredibly cruel to tell her.
My condolences to you and your family.
If however she talks about them, looks at pictures and obviously misses them then I would pick my moment and tell her.
At the end of the day it depends whether she really thinks she has sons or not.
Your elderly mom is in rehab which is really hard work.
My mom also did rehab in her 90’s and it took a lot of physical effort and mental concentration.
In my opinion, it wouldn’t be good for your mom’s progress in rehab to distract her with the devastating news of hearing of her son’s death.
To be honest, personally I don’t think that there is ever the right time to tell her.
What purpose would it serve? It would only create sadness. I am sure she has sadness inside about his disappearance but sometimes not having the details is best.
You don’t have many details to tell her other than his death. Suppose she had questions. It would be heart wrenching for her to imagine what had happened to him.
I do empathize with you. You are younger and it’s disturbing to you so think about how difficult it would be for her.
Are you planning on contacting his wife?
How will you tell your brother? Do you think he will tell your mom? Do you think you should wait until your mom dies before you tell him?
This is sad all around. It truly is and my heart goes out to you.
I lost a brother. It absolutely broke my heart watching my mom grieve for him.
I wish that I could be more helpful. All I can say is that you are more than welcome to private message me if you need a shoulder to lean on. I know what it’s like to lose a brother.
Take care.
You say she took it hard when her left and that it took years for her to finally accept it. As someone else said, it might be best to let the "sleeping dog" lie. Presumably she hasn't asked about him in a long long time, so it's probably best to just leave it be.
Right now her focus should be on getting stronger and able to get around. This "news" could result in a huge set back. Maybe, just maybe some day in the future, but not now and probably not unless she asks about him.
If she has any positive memories, this is what will serve her now.
I do not see any benefit or positive aspect to tell her this. Do you?
I repeat, ONLY if she asks you.
How would the mom find out that Ginger9909 knew her brother had died? Is she going to search her internet history?
It would only cause the poor woman grief. If she hasn't spoken to her son in 28 years, why bring him out now and upset her with hearing about his death?
If she brings it up, then maybe you can say you'll look into it. Otherwise, there is no reason to tell her. The righteous say she has a right to know, but if it will sadden her, why tell her?
Make sure your brother and family are on the same page with you.
We had kind of wrapped her in cotton batting to protect her from him and his shenanigans-legal and otherwise. He was in jail a few times, we didn't tell her. He fathered children she's never met.
He was her 'golden boy' and. honestly, it was sickening to the rest of us to have to deal with what we knew as truth about him when she was constantly protecting and supporting him.
If his kids had not all come to town to spend his last days with him (massive stroke and no consciousness afterwards) and the oldest grandchild got in touch with mother to tell her--we may likely have never told her. IDK. This is something you need to think about. Sounds like she's had a lot to deal with.
I agree with JoAnn--there's no rush to tell her and you may need to wait until the right moment to tell her.
If she find out you knew, and knows at some point, say that yes, you accidentally found out, and as she never spoke of him you felt she had no curiousity, and that the information could only be either sad for her or meaningless for her, and you held your peace.
I usually believe in telling a senior anything they want to know, so if she even asked I would say "I will see what I can find" and I would tell her you have found out he died, and when.
Some say she has a "right" to know. She does. She could ask you on any day of the week to try to find out for her. She hasn't. She doesn't WANT to know, and that's a choice as well.
If she did have dementia, she still has a right to know; however, I would not remind her of this loss because that would be cruel.