So my mom has slight cause of Dementia she still cares for herself I live with her. I am leaving for a week and my brother is gonna stay with her she gets really angry when I leave but then is ok. Should I tell her I am leaving or just do early morning when she is asleep?
When she asks where you are, he can say you will be back on xyz date.
Making things very calm is the key.
If she gets north your brother should deal with it in a very calm matter.
When you return if she says where were you, calmly reply that you were gone and you are back now.
if she gets angry, allow her to be angry but be very calm in your response.
Remember that Dementia comes in many forms and she should be checked out by a neurologist to see if she has regular age related Dementia or something more aggressive.
My mother felt I should want to spend every moment with her. All my life. Long before dementia broke her brain, She would create crises to turn all the attention upon herself to try to delay my departure. Or act ok with it, then heap on the guilt upon my return.
I know we hate to lie to our mother’s but sometimes it spares us all a lot of grief. If she objects to you having fun, don’t frame it as a vacation. Like you’re going out of town to help a sick friend. Or attending the funeral of someone she doesn’t know. Or an educational conference. Brother is going to look after YOUR stuff while you’re gone, not HER. She might resent the idea of a sitter.
It is important to get a thorough / clear diagnosis from her medical provider so you know how affected she is and what part of the brain has been compromised / brain cells die.
However, if she is still mostly coherent and understands / responds, I would tell her. Keep it in very simple words / terms: I'm leaving for a short time and I'll see you soon.
You do not need to tell her the length of time you'll be away.
With dementia, she likely doesn't have lucid understanding of time / days.
What you DO NOT want to do is argue with her.
Should she start to get activated / emotional - change the subject - and stay calm.
I feel it is important to have the transition of your brother and you together when you tell her you're leaving for a short time (so she knows she won't be alone).
- If that is not possible, tell her in the morning (not at night when she can ruminate about it - think about it / activate anxiety and fear.
Do read TEEPA SNOW's website or call them. Teepa is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. They can help you with how to relate / engage with a person's changing brain. Be aware that YOUR tone of voice, visual cues are important and she'll pick up on them. Perhaps hold her hand when you talk to her, smile and look into her eyes. These things matter alot.
Gena / Touch Matters
In my own case, my mom would often find a way to try to sabotage the trip by suddenly getting sick. When she didn’t do that she was begging to go along. It was always a gamble what she might do but it was never “Okay, have a nice trip!” so we stopped telling her. The funny thing now is that she often suspects we are on vacation even when we aren’t but since she has a caregiver it is none of her business and we just let her think whatever she wants to think.
However, in your situation, we have learned to only tell our mom a few days prior to leaving now. She has a calendar to write it down on, yet she still asks when are we coming back. It’s a difficult situation but you are entitled to a break.
So let your brother take the reigns and enjoy yourself. Perhaps it’s also something your brother can help by letting your mom know that he’s coming to stay with her while you’re away, and they have some catch-up time together, putting a positive spin on it. Wishing you the best, and an enjoyable trip!
We tell her so that she does not feel abandoned and think it was her fault that I left.
If a loss of control really did lead to this, then some other loss of control was going to do the same thing. Your sister would be in chains if she bucked the control and changed what she did.
In my own life, I can already see that it can be hard to cope with change as I get older. Unfortunately change keeps on happening!
You’re already expecting her to get upset. Don’t stay longer and prolong the agony for either of you. Say, “Goodbye Mom, I’m heading out. Your son will take great care of you.”
I was the hostess for every holiday gathering for my family. I enjoyed it for many years but when I grew tired of it I quit. My mom wasn’t happy about it. I decided that I wanted a complete break and made reservations at a hotel right on the beach! Best Thanksgiving in years!
My brothers looked after my mother while we were away. My younger brother is single and he stayed in my home with her. They did all of the holiday cooking that year while I enjoyed the beach with my family. My mom got over it and said that she was glad that we had a nice time.
I think she expected me to go back to cooking huge dinners for every holiday. I told her that I was done with it forever! My mom and brothers were surprised but I kept my word.
I started having the holiday meals catered for our immediate family. Everyone needs a break and we deserve to pamper ourselves once in awhile. So, go on your trip and have a great time! Leave the caregiving behind with your brother.
Another way might be to tell her a ‘fake’ date you are supposed to leave, a week or so ahead of the actual date. Go before the ‘emergency’ happens, and oh dear she must have misremembered the dates. Never mind, I’ll be back soon. Good luck, both for you and Brother!