My 88 year old father in law fell and broke his hip and after a stint in rehab is back in his home. His adult daughter has been living there rent free for 8 years. She works full time as a state employee and bartends on the weekend. My father in law has had a 24 hour live in home health aid since his fall. The home carrying costs are high, particularly the property taxes. But his wishes are to stay in his home. At this rate, he will run out of emergency funds in 6 months. Should my husband ask his sister to help pay living expenses?
I understand why his arrangement with your sister in law irks you (and possibly his other children), but unless you are all pitching in on his bills, it really is his decision to have her live there rent free. Until he can't make his own decisions, I think it's not appropriate for the siblings to decide how he should be making ends meet. The sister who does his bills should sit down and show him the math and help him explore some options for dealing with the problem.
His children should talk to him frankly about his current burn rate and ask how they can help him going forward.
I suppose she has contributed something, in a way, even if she is no domestic goddess - she's been your father's constant companion for the whole of his eighties, and I am seeing every day how loneliness is older people's most profound and intractable problem. She's saved him that, at least. She's "been there." It's not nothing.
But as things are now, it's not enough. Your husband needs to discuss your father's care plan with her and cover all of the subject headings - what kind of care, what options there are, and funding.
The girl's not stupid: she can see she either shares costs now, or she finds somewhere else to live (which won't be free, or have her lovely Dad in it). All she needs is for the conversation to be started, sympathetically, but talking actual numbers.
But maybe she is an amazing caring daughter doing all the housework, cooking & cleaning & that's the deal between Father-Daughter. This would be their business. Maybe their are cultural or age expectations that she stays if still single?
Or maybe she is an entitled free-loader who will go beserk if Father has to sell house to move into care? "But that's MY house!" These types are out there...
Time will tell.
Maybe the place to start is listen to what Father wants for his future care & what he can afford. Having a professional third-party involved (non-family) may be of huge benefit with strong personalites to deal with.
I'd probably zip my mouth rather than open up a family warring match with in-laws.
But no, I would not be paying for the care. He needs the care - he pays. That's life I'm afraid.
If FIL moves to AL _then_ SIL should start paying rent and other household expenses or move out so the home can be sold.
Could he go on living there without her? If not, then she is quite invaluable just for being there. I understand that your Dad wants to stay at home, but at this point, have you EXPLAINED to adult daughter that Dad will have to go into care in 6 months, and likely the home sold to PAY for that care? That may be what you are looking at.
Or you may be looking at Dad going into care --period. Whether it is what he "likes". That is, unless he has the money for 24 hour care, which is something that few of us have. I would get together with Sister and discuss where things are at financially, what the choices will be in the near future, and honestly not a discussion for Dad to be in, because he will have his "wants" and then there is realistically what can be afforded, what can be done. Just you, hubby and SIL.
This is honestly the choice of your husband. You BOTH know what you are looking at down the line and I have to assume you have made your feelings and your observations clear to him, as you did to us.
At some point, if he wishes not to address this, you might do well to step back and let it be. I did this just last week and it is why the IKEA cabinets in the new tenant's kitchen is looking kinda wonky to me at this point. Honestly, at some point, when you do not have the power, when it is all argument, it is best to step away and sing a few stanzas of "Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be; seeking words of wisdom, let it be".
Wishing you the very best of luck!
All significant others, and In-Laws should step back, take a breather. Let the family deal with this one.
Fate will deliver the life lesson *shelter is not free* at some stage.
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