I know this should probably be an easy answer, but there's a few ways this could go especially COVID going on.
I've written in here before but it's been quite a while. I hope everyone is doing well. I've been one of the caregivers for both my grandparents for a few years along with my mom since we're both in the same city and it's been a lot. My grandfather died last week, almost 2 years to the day that he started falling ill and we placed him in a facility.
We're planning the funeral which can't happen until next week. There's a public visitation which will have a limit (it actually was just modified to allow us more people), social distancing, masks, etc. The next day there will be the graveside service and I believe a brief small service at the funeral home beforehand.
There's also an option for a live stream and I've been told that this may be the best option for my grandmother to watch at home with someone with her of course. I totally understand this, but I also feel like she should see him and say goodbye, especially since she hasn't been able to see him in a very long time. Also, while she did get a little emotional when we broke the news, I'm not sure how she will be if she sees him in person and I also worry it may be too much for her. So I'm torn on what would be the best option.
What would you do?
My grandparents were married over fifty years and they loved each other dearly but she did not attend his funeral.
Grandma simply couldn’t bear to see him in a casket. Some people thought it was awful that she didn’t go. I understood completely how she felt.
Covid has complicated everything. Nothing feels normal. It is hard to adjust to any of this. If she goes, take all precautions to keep her safe.
I am so sorry for your loss.
May God grant you all grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
I agree with the others, let grandma decide what she wants to do without coercion.
whether or not to go to any or all of it.
Whatever she decides, be supportive but reasonable because I'm guessing getting Grandma out may not be an easy task.
If she goes, enlist one or two others to help you, including creating a buffer from others, even well meaning family. Inform whoever's attending that Grandma will not be socializing with them as much as they want to pay their respects. Maybe she would like alone time with her husband also.
Talk to the funeral home people because they may be able to assist- private space for her and keep her safe.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
So, if she wants to see him one last time, ask for a private viewing. Depending on how strong she is physically, ask her if she'd like to attend the service/burial as well. I also would recommend avoiding a gathering after the fact. Too many people increases the chance of catching the virus. Unclear how old she is, but my mother doesn't like others wearing the masks around her and trying to keep one on her is nigh impossible!
Extended family stayed in their cars but met in the parking lot of the funeral home and we did a procession past the house. Then everyone - masked- attended the graveside service staying in their family groups. We hope to have another memorial service when it is safe to do so.
It was the best we could do. I agree with everyone who says ask your grandmother and let her decide what she is comfortable with. If we had thought of it, I would have liked to set up Zoom condolence calls for the widower somehow so people could have shared condolences and memories with him. I think he would have liked that.
Before Covid some families opted for privacy in the funeral parlor or church if it is a church only service. We did.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate people coming but I always hated hearing the stupid things that some people say at funerals! Simply saying, ‘I am sorry.’ really is enough. Others do say just the right thing and it is nice to hear special memories.
Sometimes just someone’s touch is enough. I realize that isn’t possible during Covid. It’s sad. You didn’t lose any beauty in your service not having Zoom. Not everything has to be said publicly. Everyone knew the love held inside for your loved one.
My condolences on the loss of your dear grandfather. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
Some people think a formal ceremony is needed for closure. Your grandmother is certainly old enough to know how she feels. Please respect and accept her feelings.
This is such a personal decision to make. What may be right for one person will not be right for another. If a person needs a gathering for closure they should do it. Not everyone does though.
As I said, my grandma did not attend my grandpa’s funeral and she had no issues with not having ‘closure.’ It would have been too hard for her to attend, physically and emotionally.
In fact, my grandma stopped attending all funerals. She wasn’t comfortable going to them any longer. It didn’t mean that she didn’t love them. She loved them deeply.
I say do what is best for your grandmother and the family and do not be concerned about what others think. People who love you will respect your choices.
My condolences on the loss of your grandfather. Explain to your grandmother exactly what will happen at the funeral, and let her decide. She is probably stronger than you think. My father passed away in October and we faced this same dilemma (although without the virus). In fact, I asked a question on this forum over the same issue. My parents had been married 67 years, and my mother has numerous physical, as well as mental disorders. We were afraid it would be too much for her, but we were amazed at how well she did. There were several beautiful and poignant moments that I will never forget. I think it was important to her to be honored as the grieving widow of a war veteran. We had a reception that she briefly attended before asking to go back to her room.
My mother has dementia, but she was married to my father for 66 years, and under no circumstances would I not have allowed her to be at her own husband's memorial service. We would have had a smaller service if necessary, but her attendance and chance to say goodbye was the top priority.
She did very well with the 300+ people who attended, but I don't think she remembers one minute of the service now. She pretty much forgot my dad within six months which has broken my heart, but I think her heart was broken, too. This is how she protects her heart now, because I don't think she could face life without him otherwise.
Is there a room at the funeral home that she could go to, if it's too much. Have family members take turns to be with her.
At graveside, could she sit in a car, if needed? Give her choices to help relief her anxieties.
With her preexisting condition though it does make her in a higher risk group so if possible if she wants to go in person let her have a private visit, with someone with her. At the cemetery, again if she wishes to go let everyone get seated, keep her in the car until ready then she can go sit.
If she is going to do a "virtual" service someone should be with her and allow her to leave the room is she wishes.
Take all your cues from her.
If she gets there and changes her mind, thst should be fine too. It's a shame loved ones have to die in a Nursing Home alone.
The thing about "advise" or making decisions for others, is you have to live with the outcome. Is this about you, or about her. If she wants to go; let her go.
The funeral is for all of you but mostly, for your grandmother.
Arrange everything, from the music to the speakers and all the arrangements to comfort her.
if she can’t be physically in attendance per medical restrictions, arrange for her to participate in some type of receiving line (FaceTime). Hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss” is healing. On FaceTime you can record it so she can watch it again when she’s feeling better.
I am probably her age (85). This is what I would want. My family as close to me as possible, just to be with me. Then go to the grave site. I would find an open coffin unbearable. I would skip the wake or whatever you plan for before.
After the cemetery ceremony, I would like the family to get together in some way. This would be important.
again, it depends on the health of your grandmother. Ask her and then suggest a pared down effort if you think she can handle it. I personally would not like to watch a video. Too much for me.
It’s so thoughtful of you to sort this out.
Best wishes