My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early this year. When I told her she wouldn't believe and began worrying even more which I believe is not good for dementia patients. So I told her the diagnosis is still not confirmed. She is kind of balanced thereafter. But I know as her disease progresses she will not be able to think enough and while now the disease is in early stages I would like her to take some decisions about her future. Any thoughts how to handle this?
I would try to rush around, talk to her by bringing it up, to nail down plans, etc. but for my mom and hindsight it was wrong approach. I lost time, frustrated and scared her and frustrated and panicked myself.
This was over a year ago and she is for the most part doing better then expected. I would say, you can bring it up once, but don't dwell on it other than to frequently tell them you love them, reassure them you will be there to help and that you want to help them anyway you can. Let it rest. At your soonest opportunity DO make sure DPOA, AMD, estate plan is in place. If you can, understand the finances of your loved one, insurance, etc. that is important. Research the disease, research some care facilities in their area or your area and visit a few. Pair down and then visit one or two with your loved one.
Lastly, and most important, have a good discussion with your loved one and understand what they want in their future. Don't be surprised if you have to revisit that conversation often. My mom wants to die in her house and never go to "one of those places". I can't promise that but I no longer tell her "well you're going there, I can't take care of you". It makes her mad and she denies that to. So what I do say is "mom, I promise to do everything we can to keep you in your home as long as we are able ok?" I tell her, we'll find some care to come in when the time comes to help you manage--is that ok?". It calms her and reassures her. I dread when that time comes, because she's refused all help I've arranged to make her life easier (granted it was to make me feel better). Likely, she will have to be placed in memory care in the future.
For now she is managing, it's not perfect, but I know everyday she tries really hard to stay healthy and mentally sharp as possible. I ALSO know, that she knows, that she has some dementia and memory impairment. --without my reminding her or scaring her every time she forgets something, repeats something or is confused.
Be patient, do your homework, help your LO prepare and understand this is a rocky road that you can journey together. Help your LO and other family members understand all the options for the future and prepare so that there isn't panic or disagreement in the future.
Good luck.
Every couple of months over the past year or so, she gets another clue that she's not well. Last summer, her t.v. provider was switched, and the process of turning in her cable boxes, learning the new remote, etc., was so overwhelming for her that I had to take a day off work, drive down, and walk her through it. Last October, we had to pay for a 'cease and desist' letter from an attorney because of an unsound financial move she tried to make. She went to a neurologist for the first time in December 2013, and he prescribed Aricept. In March, 2014, her community library 'fired' her as a volunteer because she wouldn't comply with their rule of not using their stepladder, and she was getting worse and worse with organizing the books. And in June, her drivers license was suspended.
None of these events do anything to convince her that anything is wrong with HER. It's everyone else who's being mean, vindictive, 'stabbing her in the back' as she says.
Anyway, I'd say in our case, she needed to be told in order to get the ball rolling on more medical care for her, and we needed to get more involved in caring for her as well. But emotionally, some people handle it much better than others.
The other issue I now experience is keeping her engaged. She does not focus on any activity. The whole day either she just sits quiet or repeats the same thing over. I have tried all means to keep her mind engaged but she won't. Tried to buy her books she used to enjoy reading. She doesn't understand what's going on in TV. I have no clue how to keep her mind engaged.
My mother did crosswords all her life. Now she can only do easy ones in large print, so we supply those. This isn't a time to start a new activity but a familiar activity with reduced complexity might work. A person who used to do 1000 piece jig saws might now like puzzles with 300 large pieces.
Does she like to look at photo albums? Both my mother and husband loved someone to sit with them when they did this, and both enjoyed it very much.
Social interaction is good, often in small doses. Chatting with a visitor for 15 minutes is usually pleasant and involves a different kind of engagement.
A change of scenery is often good. Folding towels on the patio or porch offers a nice change of view in good weather.
My mother seems to like sorting things. While she was waiting for someone to get her started on a beading project at the NH she happily sorted beads by color. I've given her a small basket of colorful socks that she can pair up and fold, and do it all over again the next day. Some people like sorting coins. I think I'll gather some buttons for Mom to sort.
My mother isn't reading books anymore, but she still enjoys her magazines, especially with lots of pictures. She has a few subscriptions and the NH has lots of them circulating around. She also loves catalogs of novelty items and nick-nacks, etc. Even though she hasn't had a yard for decades, she can laugh at silly lawn ornaments.
When any of her four daughters visit the NH we take Mom for a walk in the neighborhood in her wheelchair. She is interested in seeing gardens growing and noticing a tomato go from small green to large red and then be gone because it was harvested. (We have to point these things out to her, but she gets a kick out of it.)
You need to get into her world and try to figure out what might be interesting there.
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