The first holiday we involved MIL in was Halloween. We have three children and took her trick-or-treating with us. She walked in the middle of the street, even after we explained that it was a very bad example for the four yr old. She would not wait on us while the children went to houses and kept wandering off. Halfway through she started crying loudly and would not talk to us or tell us what was wrong. It was a disaster. We assumed that because she had moved in so recently that things would smooth out over time. However, we had similar theatrics over Thanksgiving. She did not want to be involved with the family, she cried loudly and when we tried to comfort her and fix what was wrong, she just yelled at us. Tonight, we took the children and her to a holiday event at the museum. It was pretty much the same. She ran off into the large crowd, would not stay with us as a group, would not participate in any of the activities, and at one point, ran out in the cold and refused to come back inside. We are gearing up to celebrate several weeks in a row of birthdays, and holiday events. I’m concerned that this behavior is really getting to the children, as my eldest one cried all the way home tonight. Should I continue to involve her in our holiday events, or just start leaving her behind? I don’t want to make her feel isolated, or exclude her from the family. But on the other hand, I want my kids to have a happy holiday and happy birthdays. I’m torn between both “rights”.
Snap a few pictures to share with her when you return from outings. That’s a compromise.
Obviously you want to enjoy your time with your family and that’s impossible if you are going to be concerned about a safety issue.
Hire a sitter to stay with her for when you have family activities.
I understand the instinct to rescue her when she needed help and was in crisis, but this is not a care plan. You cannot have a woman with these behavioural and mental health issues living in an unfamiliar home with people, including young children, whom she just does not know.
You want to include MIL in the family; and I agree that in general it is a good thing, an enriching thing, for generations to mingle. But the truth is you don't know her and you don't know anything about her needs - how can you possibly look after her?
Your husband needs to get a grip on this. He should go back to the family members who were supposed to be taking responsibility, back to any agencies or professionals who were involved, gather what information he can, then get in touch with your area's health and social care organisations and get them involved.
God willing, and given a fair chance, your MIL will over time develop strong new relationships with her son and his family, but it can't happen overnight; and meanwhile she needs a LOT of input that you can't possibly be expected to provide.
Well he’s had 90+ Christmas days and my son hasn’t so I refuse to let him ruin my child’s holidays and he ruins mine too. My son won’t always be excited about Christmas morning as he’s a teenager so with that being said it’s not an option to cater to an elder instead of my child. I do not want to regret my holidays with my son in 5/10/20 years because I felt bad for an elder who doesn’t care one way or another.
it was also brought to my attention when I posted “oh no the holidays are coming” that he could be getting overstimulated and uncomfortable when we’re opening presents and dancing around enjoying ourselves. I guess to me it’s a matter of memories and my LO has had a lifetime of holidays but my son has not, my child is far more important in his young life and I refuse to allow these days to be ruined. Those won’t be his or my memories, no way!!!
Your children always come first, that is your responsibility... as a parent. Exposing them to her is a real bad idea. There is only one right...your family.
It is not your responsibility to care for her, sit down with your husband and work out a plan to have her move somewhere else. Contact your local social services and find out what is available for her.
She can live for another 30 years do you really want your children to be saddled by her for all those years? And what about you? Think, then think some more there is a solution and it doesn't include her living with you.
When I worked in the inpatient facility, our residents were still able to carry on conversations (though they didn't always make sense), were still able to engage in some part of various familiar tasks. But any change at all in their routine always set off some sort of upset.
I would 'include' your MIL in brief family gatherings -- say, half an hour in a familiar living room to celebrate a holiday with some ONE activity. And then leave MIL with a caregiver and take the rest of the family for the 'outing' part of the holiday celebration.
I'm so sorry it's being this hard.
No, seriously.
There are times when I involve my mother and times when it's best that she stay home.
Bless you for trying to do the right thing. If she's living with you, she must have some social security. Use that for a caregiver who can sit with her while you and the children out for a few hours.
Arrange for her to be out of the house during birthday parties. It sounds like it's too much stimulation. But get a professional opinion.
It will make EVERYONE happy.
Is MIL living with you as well?
Has your MIL been diagnosed with dementia of any type?
If your MIL has dementia large gatherings can be confusing, frightening and you would expect the reaction that you have been getting.
I would keep gatherings to a minimum.
If you have to go out with the family to a party I suggest having someone that she knows and likes to come in and stay with her. She should not be left alone. If you want family to visit I also suggest small groups of people at a time and if possible over the course of a day or two.
It also sounds like there is a potential for your MIL to wander so she should not be left alone and start looking for a way that will make it easier to track her if she does wander off.
And if MIL is living with you permanently and has been diagnosed with dementia are you prepared to become a full time caregiver for her as well as dealing with your mother? Not clear where your mother is living if it is with you or in her own home but time will come where she also can not be left alone.
Have you gotten your MIL evaluated? I think this needs to be done ASAP. A neurologist would be my first choice. 51 is really young to be showing signs of a Dementia. There could be so many things causing this. She may have had a mental disorder all along and its manifested its self.
Your MIL is living in a strange place, with strange people. She really doesn't know her son, nor him her. I hope he isn't leaving u to care for 3 children and his Mom. People who suffer from Dementia can be very unpredictable. She may hit one of your kids. And like said, her outbursts scare ur kids.
All your husband owes his Mother is a safe, clean place. She needs professionals. She needs to be in a nursing home. You are both out of your element here. Her crying is anxiety. Trying to include her in everything is just confusing her. People with Dementia do better in a structured environment which with 3 kids u don't have.
I commend you for trying. If u can't get her to a neurologist right away a PCP will be able to start the testing.
If DHs sisters felt it was a situation they could not handle, Adult Protection Services could have been called to evaluate. APS could placed her in hospital or nursing home to have her evaluated. Then would have called her children to work out the next step. You could have told them with 3 children and work responsibilities, that you could not have her living with u. Mental illness and Dementia being unpredictable u would worry about the safety of ur children. You also don't have the income to help her. So, she can't live with you. APS would be responsible for placing her somewhere safe. U may have allowed the state to become her guardian.
Yes, in a perfect world. But you may be able to still take that route. Explaining what happen and finding out she is much worse than expected. That u are afraid for the safety of ur children.
Please, never leave ur children alone with her. And if she does get violent, call the police. Tell them she can't return.
Include your MIL as little as possible so your children have good memories of the day.
Have a small celebration with MIL for maximum of two hours then go about the “real” celebration activities.
She doesn’t need to be involved for Halloween.
When you have outside activities planned for the kids, have a reliable good person who can care for/watch over MIL at home. Clearly she cannot handle the activities, too much going on, too many people, etc. It can be overwhelming to someone with dementia. Routines are good. Familiar surroundings are good. Sometimes it can be sun-downing, in which case there are recommendations for dealing with this, including some anti-anxiety medication. There can also be ramifications if she has a UTI. I was skeptical of this until it happened to my mother. She is/was in MC at the time, but the outrageous behavior ONLY happened later in the day - morning after she'd be fine, next afternoon/evening, out of control! The last two UTIs have resulted in nighttime bed-wetting. But indeed a UTI should be considered sometimes.
Keep her involved for sure, but keep it in home, small "activities", nothing that will seriously impact her routine or be too "busy." Having the whole family over for any holidays or other events will likely be too much. It might be best to have gatherings outside the home and hire someone to watch over her at home while you celebrate. Later, she could be included in mini-celebrations, such as cake and ice cream for birthdays, smaller immediate family meals for holidays, etc.
Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas so it is an honor to stay with her and celebrate in simple ways. Siblings and grandchildren visit during the week of holidays so she does get to see everyone. I have (hopefully) many years left to celebrate with the family. Perhaps you have someone in your family who also might be willing to stay with your MIL and have simple celebrations in her home?
is it possible for her to stay at a local nursing facility for a couple nights as a “fun getaway for her” where they will be having holiday festivities ?
i dont know if id tell her too far in advance tho so she doesnt get apprehensive.
Enjoy the gatherings and events with your family and leave your MIL at home. If she lives with you, you may need to get a sitter for her.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/estranged-mil-suddenly-in-our-care-what-do-we-do-first-453506.htm
This is great that tests are being done. Thyroid can cause a lot of problems. There is Hyper ( lose weight) and a Hypo (gain weight) My Mom had Graves which is even worse. Her heart rate was so fast she wasn't getting enough oxygen. Meds helped and her numbers became normal. Thyroid has to do with hormones. Your MIL being in her 50s is probably going thru Menopause too. Big hormone fluctuation there.
I pray that tests result in finding its not a Dementia and thats its something a few meds can correct.