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She has hearing, balance and toileting issues, as well as mild dementia. She can't be left alone for more than a couple hours, and even that is a stretch. Her physical and mental condition will certainly decline.
Do you and your spouse want to live in Connecticut? You are talking a complete lifestyle change from Colorado in several ways. If you do, then fine, go where you will be happy to live and can help her by overseeing care - preferably not having her move in with you. If not, then what are you thinking?!! Make another arrangement that helps her as much as you can without giving up your life.
No one can answer that for you. However, she is 89 years old. How much longer do you think she has? Do you really want to uproot yourselves to take care of her for what may only be a short time? Why not move her closer to you if you want to care for her?
No, better to rent it out so you have a home to which you can return after her inevitable demise. In the meantime, consider in-home care such as Home Instead. They were wonderful help when my husband was in similar condition. I was able to keep him at home until his death on Thanksgiving 2022. I have never regretted our decision although I was repeatedly urged to put him in care.
Only sell your home if you want to live in Connecticut long term - longer than her lifespan. It would probably be better to move her in with you or to a residential facility closer to you. If you want to move near her, consider renting out your home and renting a home near her for a year or 2.
Frannie0623: No, absolutely do not do this. Your MIL no doubt will require managed care facility living, which SHE will finance; you and your spouse do not finance her care.
a few questions first. Are you or your spouse giving up jobs to do this? If so are you going to be able to work in your chosen field when you relocate? (will the pay be the same? and are you moving to a more expensive area?) If you are giving up jobs what does that do for you and your spouse for retirement? Are you prepared to be full time caregivers? And are you 100% on board with helping to care for MIL?
Now try as much as I can my Crystal Ball is still broken. I can tell you this She will continue to decline. Depending on the diagnosis (Alzheimer's, Vascular, FT, or other dementia or a combination) the decline varies with each. Does your spouse currently have POA? Without POA there is no way I would ever do something like this. the other option is Guardianship and if MIL is not competent to appoint a POA that would be the route you would have to go. It is expensive and time consuming and there is a lot of paperwork and court time involved.
You mention that a SIL is providing financial assistance. NO ONE should be supporting your MIL other than your MIL. If she has limited funds then there are other routes that can be found that can provide help. Was her husband a Veteran? If so she may be entitled to help from the VA. If she is a Veteran there may be help through the VA Contact her local Senior Services they may have programs that will help Local Area Agency on Aging may also have programs.
If your MIL needs 24/7 care, supervision will you or your spouse get paid for providing 24/7 care. (the answer to this is a resounding yes) If she is cognitively able she should have a Caregiver contract drawn up and you and your spouse get paid for providing care.
this is not an easy task that you are embarking on. Obviously if you are providing 24/7 care you will be living with MIL. Will any changes have to be made to the house as she declines?
Caring for someone for a few weeks at a time a a whole lot different than 24/7/365 care.
Not an easy decision to make. I will say...if no one is her POA and if no one wants to become her Guardian the Court will appoint one and the Guardian appointed will make all decisions regarding her care, her health, her finances.
Do you want to lilvel there after she is gone? If not don't do it. I moved closer to my kids so they could help take care of me.. Not in with them, just closer.
Um, yes and no. Is your intent that you would live with her and be a full time caregiver? The answer is no. There are plenty of people on this forum who have been surprised by the amount of physical and emotional work this takes both with the person and their own relationship with their partners.
Are you planning on keeping jobs while "you care" for the 89 year old MIL? Connecticut probably costs more to live than where you are in Colorado.
Financially, how is MIL's care being handled now? Does she have great medical and/or long term care insurance? Are there any geography restrictions for the insurance? Who is POA?
Hearing, balance and toileting and dementia. That's a kind of normal combination of symptoms for someone elderly. Could you get service for her hearing aids in Colorado? How satisfied are you with the doctors and facilities you have for yourself in Grand Junction? Do you (or your partner) have any need for specialized treatment if you were to move to Connecticut? The move out of Connecticut might be good if she is feeling the weight of her husband's death.
What I'd suggest you explore is: a) go to Connecticut and see what the options are for managed care home facilities and their cost/insurance. While you are there, keep track of all your finances and your day-to-day activities. e.g. If you need cash or want to deposit money, are there no-cost methods to doing this? Notice how much time both of you are taking to care for MIL. Is it realistic for only one of you to be with her. Airfares to Europe are less expensive from Connecticut vs Colorado. b) look at what you have in Grand Junction and see what the options are for managed care home facilities and their cost/insurance, physicians that specialize in geriatric care, etc. If her insurance only applies to the state of Connecticut, get help to find out what would be comparable insurance in Colorado.
It will then begin to be a little more obvious which alternative you should take, although might be an uncomfortable decision.
Personally, regarding my Mom, regardless of where she lives, I want to be close. I watch for trends in her health (she has dementia) and take the appropriate action (e.g. PT for her when she started falling [PT helps strengthen her abs and legs]). More vegetables when she is having issues with her bowels. More walking when her arthritis kicks up. An extra vitamin when she's lagging.
I moved from Boulder to a place where most people just dream about coming to take care of my Mom (upon request of my brother). I have my own place here, however, since I'm retired, I used the time to rent out my place in Boulder. The cost of living and the way of living is significantly different here. The way they treat people in the hospital are significantly different. The way people deal with money here is very different. I moved my Mom into managed care about 1.5 years ago and see her every day. They take care of the incontinence, bathing, routine kinds of activities, and I take her out occasionally as well as perform daily exercise. My Mom has excellent health insurance coverage and since being in managed care (which is private pay), her overall health has improved. We rent out the place she used to be in to help defray costs. When I go on vacation, my SIL is on call to take my Mom to the ER, if needed (yes, every time I've left, she's needed to go to the ER). I manage her care from afar during my vacation, however, for me, nothing takes the place of seeing her condition face-to-face.
I made the decision to move. However, I was decently well off to up and move.
For me it wasn't a hard decision as I was pretty nearly totally aware of all the adverse consequence of my decision. However, I didn't have a partner or spouse that would be affected by the decision. You do.
No because they can rapidly decline and have a stroke and eventually you will be told she needs a rehab which then turns into a nursing home . Once they can’t swallow water or are constantly falling and incontinent it’s a tough job . Go for visits and staycations . Hire a overnight Caregiver - get help coming in - speak with the Senior center to find elder support - my Mom passed 3 and a half months later after her stay at a rehab and I had to place her on a NH for 24 hour care - she stopped eating and died
There are a multitude of considerations, far too many to list here; and everyone must make the best decision based on ones personal dynamics. I suggest that you first if not already speak with an Elder Law attorney to get sound directions re the many factors to navigate this ; both for your own well being as well as your aging loved one.
No. She may end up sooner than later in an Assisted Living or memory care facility. And then would you feel disappointed you sold your CO home? Only sell your home in Colorado IF you want to sell it; do not do it for your mom.
Perhaps rent it out? Open ended commitment is huge and I sense you may not know what you might be committing to (losing your mind, patience, stressors like you never knew before ... )
Has your mom been medically diagnosed?
In the interim, hire caregivers - through an agency or independent, college (need to train). Hiring through an agency, they are vetted and criminal check (fingerprinted) - or should be. - Contact college employment office - and ask department heads: geriatrics, social work, nursing, any helping field. College kids need extra money and most of. the time, they can read when working. * Although DO have a 'work check-off' list so they know what to do. * Ask for references
Do you want and plan to move to Connecticut sometime anyway? Is there a family home you will take over and plan to live in through your last years? Is there any draw to CT, reason to move there other than caring for MIL? What is the reason for moving there instead of MIL moving to CO? These are all answers that should be weighed in the decision to move, IMHO. If you are considering live in care vs residential care there are other questions that need answers as you weigh that like, will we be able to care for her without help, will we be able to do the physical care until she passes, if she becomes bedridden will we be able to handle transferring her and cleaning her daily? Do we have any help and if it’s paid help are there funds to support that for the unforeseeable future? As her dementia gets worse will you be able to care for her safely and still have your own life? These and other questions really need to be honestly considered and answered before considering becoming her hands on caregiver at all never mind uprooting your lives and moving more than half way across the country. Has moving her to a facility near you been considered?
The answers aren’t the same for all situations or families but they should be considered by all. Perhaps more importantly the first thing to make sure is covered now are the legal papers, POA, DPOA, MPOA, living will, end of life directives our family for instance is doing a hybrid of distance and live in, Mom lives with my brother, has a caregiver and I do all the coordination along with communication, some hands on and remote caregiving, medication management from a distance (I’m 4.5 hrs away), it works for us but we know it may not forever and we know it could never work for some families/siblings.
Theses are not decisions to be made lightly or quickly and absolutely ones you and your spouse need to work out and be on the same page about since you are considering uprooting yourselves. Be smart and hang in there as you go through this heavy stuff.
The question is not should you move, but do you want to move? If you want to move to CT, if it’s truly your desire then fine. But DO NOT MOVE if you are not excited about it and are only doing it so you can be a caretaker. If she needs that much help she can moved near you and into a care home where you can visit her often and be a part of her life.
IMO I would say absolutely do not move…that said I really appreciate Kathyly’s response. Different things work for different people.
This situation could go on for YEARS. In my own life I’ve been in charge of mom w/dementia for 7 years and counting. Sold my parents house/childhood home to fund her care and I thank god every day for that - I truly believe I wouldn’t be alive if I cared for her in my own home…not to mention that wouldn’t be physically possible. It’s still a lot of work and stress though, but she is well taken care of in a facility.
You described her as being unable to be left alone for more than two hours, plus toileting issues. As you decide how to move forward, keep in mind that this is the BEST she will be - yes dementia has ups and downs and people do make improvements in changed care settings. Things will slide downwards from here. Consider what years of this slide will do to your own lives.
My husband and I are 3 years into this situation. Sold our home in a beautiful very desirable location in CA to move to where my parents are, where I grew up. Mom passed in less than a year after moving here. I was glad we were here as Dad does also have mild dementia and he was very grateful we were here to help with her and all the death details. It took a good year to get their place ready to sell as it was falling apart and not livable. (old mobile home). We rented a place here then decided to just sell there and buy here. We would have moved eventually anyway. He moved in with us as was the plan. He refused to move to where we had lived before. Unreasonable in our opinion. And it would have been a huge hardship to try and do what needed to be done from 8 hours away. So here we are 3 years later. He fell and broke his leg and it's not growing new bone yet after 8 weeks. So wheel chair, does use a urinal when up but now we have pee spills and he doesn't even know it. Disposable "pull ups" and diapers. I have 3 siblings, all in different states. Sister took him for one month and now has a new understanding of what this is like. Brothers not involved nor would I trust them to care for him. It is a daily challenge to keep a good perspective and not resent him for keeping us from moving to Colorado to be near our daughter who is expecting our first grandchild. We are 70 and 63. He is 92. He is gracious and doesn't get angry or complain but he's ready to walk again and we pray that happens. We may move to Colorado in a year and yes, we'd take him with us but we might put him in a home there in the same town. We're trying to get VA help for respite as he can't be left alone due to fall risk now. It's very constraining for us to do anything alone together outside the house. So many doctor appointments now. Eyes, heart, leg, skin, things that come up. It is truely a sacrifice to take care of a loved one. No one will really understand unless they are dealing with the same issues and it's really only up to you to decide. Have you lived in CT? We were there for 14 months right before this. Didn't mind anything but the crazy freeways and being taxed for too many things. I think it's safe to say you will go through the stages of grief- Anger, sadness, depression, and hopefully acceptance in some form before you are done. I go through all of these in the same day at times. It's a daily challenge. Would we do this again? Probably but you really don't know what you are getting in to till you are in it. The other question is: How long are we expected to do this? If he lives another chunk of years how much of our retirement life is being consumed with caring for him? We both retired right before our stint in CT. That was a temporary family related move and we loved being able to do that. Put all our things in strorage, rented out the house and drove across country and lived in an apartment. I suggest going for a month or two if you are planning on living in her house and see how it goes. That might be the best way to really get a feel for what you are possibly getting into. It's different when you know you've committed to this till the end. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I wish you the best in this very very difficult situation.
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.
Gosh, no. Why would you do that? It would be generous of you, but devastating to your own lives. If MIL already cannot be left alone, it is time for placement or in home help.
NO! You will regret it and find yourself resentful and just wishing it would end! She needs to be put into a care situation while she has some ability to adapt.
I am 77 and my husband is 82. I take care of him, but when it comes my turn, I will move wherever my family is at the time. It is not fair for the caregiver to have to move for the person who needs care. I would have her evaluated for placement in assisted living or memory care and find a place near where you live to take care of her.
Why? Do you envision yourself taking care of a human being for then next 10 years who is getting progressively worse? Mild dementia only gets worse as does hearing, balance and incontience on both ends. If you really want to be cleaning up human waste, feeding an adult and putting up with their progressively abusive dementia behaviors for 10 years - then go for it.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Wow! I pray you never get OLD! So sad, they weren’t always this way and raised and took care of our Every little whim And waste until we “moved on with our Life”, only to be left behind and visited. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak. I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc. He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving. My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago. I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL. Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it. I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
No. The cost of living in CT is MUCH higher than it is in CO. I've lived in both states, so I know. Compare the costs of Memory Care Assisted Living in both states, first of all, to get an idea. A Place For Mom can help you with that, probably.
If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
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As for myself, I wouldn't.
What does MIL really NEED?
- Living enviroment with supervision.
- Assistance with ADLs.
- Care for her needs now
- Provision to add more care if/when care needs increase
Is family moving states & moving in the only way to meet her needs?
What's the burdon load to family?
Reasonable? Affordable? Sustainable?
Is that plan going to work for everyone in the plan?
Are you or your spouse giving up jobs to do this?
If so are you going to be able to work in your chosen field when you relocate? (will the pay be the same? and are you moving to a more expensive area?)
If you are giving up jobs what does that do for you and your spouse for retirement?
Are you prepared to be full time caregivers? And are you 100% on board with helping to care for MIL?
Now try as much as I can my Crystal Ball is still broken.
I can tell you this
She will continue to decline.
Depending on the diagnosis (Alzheimer's, Vascular, FT, or other dementia or a combination) the decline varies with each.
Does your spouse currently have POA?
Without POA there is no way I would ever do something like this.
the other option is Guardianship and if MIL is not competent to appoint a POA that would be the route you would have to go. It is expensive and time consuming and there is a lot of paperwork and court time involved.
You mention that a SIL is providing financial assistance.
NO ONE should be supporting your MIL other than your MIL.
If she has limited funds then there are other routes that can be found that can provide help.
Was her husband a Veteran? If so she may be entitled to help from the VA.
If she is a Veteran there may be help through the VA
Contact her local Senior Services they may have programs that will help
Local Area Agency on Aging may also have programs.
If your MIL needs 24/7 care, supervision will you or your spouse get paid for providing 24/7 care. (the answer to this is a resounding yes)
If she is cognitively able she should have a Caregiver contract drawn up and you and your spouse get paid for providing care.
this is not an easy task that you are embarking on.
Obviously if you are providing 24/7 care you will be living with MIL.
Will any changes have to be made to the house as she declines?
Caring for someone for a few weeks at a time a a whole lot different than 24/7/365 care.
Not an easy decision to make.
I will say...if no one is her POA and if no one wants to become her Guardian the Court will appoint one and the Guardian appointed will make all decisions regarding her care, her health, her finances.
Are you planning on keeping jobs while "you care" for the 89 year old MIL? Connecticut probably costs more to live than where you are in Colorado.
Financially, how is MIL's care being handled now? Does she have great medical and/or long term care insurance? Are there any geography restrictions for the insurance? Who is POA?
Hearing, balance and toileting and dementia. That's a kind of normal combination of symptoms for someone elderly. Could you get service for her hearing aids in Colorado? How satisfied are you with the doctors and facilities you have for yourself in Grand Junction? Do you (or your partner) have any need for specialized treatment if you were to move to Connecticut? The move out of Connecticut might be good if she is feeling the weight of her husband's death.
What I'd suggest you explore is: a) go to Connecticut and see what the options are for managed care home facilities and their cost/insurance. While you are there, keep track of all your finances and your day-to-day activities. e.g. If you need cash or want to deposit money, are there no-cost methods to doing this? Notice how much time both of you are taking to care for MIL. Is it realistic for only one of you to be with her. Airfares to Europe are less expensive from Connecticut vs Colorado. b) look at what you have in Grand Junction and see what the options are for managed care home facilities and their cost/insurance, physicians that specialize in geriatric care, etc. If her insurance only applies to the state of Connecticut, get help to find out what would be comparable insurance in Colorado.
It will then begin to be a little more obvious which alternative you should take, although might be an uncomfortable decision.
Personally, regarding my Mom, regardless of where she lives, I want to be close. I watch for trends in her health (she has dementia) and take the appropriate action (e.g. PT for her when she started falling [PT helps strengthen her abs and legs]). More vegetables when she is having issues with her bowels. More walking when her arthritis kicks up. An extra vitamin when she's lagging.
I moved from Boulder to a place where most people just dream about coming to take care of my Mom (upon request of my brother). I have my own place here, however, since I'm retired, I used the time to rent out my place in Boulder. The cost of living and the way of living is significantly different here. The way they treat people in the hospital are significantly different. The way people deal with money here is very different. I moved my Mom into managed care about 1.5 years ago and see her every day. They take care of the incontinence, bathing, routine kinds of activities, and I take her out occasionally as well as perform daily exercise. My Mom has excellent health insurance coverage and since being in managed care (which is private pay), her overall health has improved. We rent out the place she used to be in to help defray costs. When I go on vacation, my SIL is on call to take my Mom to the ER, if needed (yes, every time I've left, she's needed to go to the ER). I manage her care from afar during my vacation, however, for me, nothing takes the place of seeing her condition face-to-face.
I made the decision to move. However, I was decently well off to up and move.
For me it wasn't a hard decision as I was pretty nearly totally aware of all the adverse consequence of my decision. However, I didn't have a partner or spouse that would be affected by the decision. You do.
Only sell your home in Colorado IF you want to sell it; do not do it for your mom.
Perhaps rent it out?
Open ended commitment is huge and I sense you may not know what you might be committing to (losing your mind, patience, stressors like you never knew before ... )
Has your mom been medically diagnosed?
In the interim, hire caregivers - through an agency or independent, college (need to train). Hiring through an agency, they are vetted and criminal check (fingerprinted) - or should be.
- Contact college employment office - and ask department heads: geriatrics, social work, nursing, any helping field. College kids need extra money and most of. the time, they can read when working.
* Although DO have a 'work check-off' list so they know what to do.
* Ask for references
Gena / Touch Matters
The answers aren’t the same for all situations or families but they should be considered by all. Perhaps more importantly the first thing to make sure is covered now are the legal papers, POA, DPOA, MPOA, living will, end of life directives our family for instance is doing a hybrid of distance and live in, Mom lives with my brother, has a caregiver and I do all the coordination along with communication, some hands on and remote caregiving, medication management from a distance (I’m 4.5 hrs away), it works for us but we know it may not forever and we know it could never work for some families/siblings.
Theses are not decisions to be made lightly or quickly and absolutely ones you and your spouse need to work out and be on the same page about since you are considering uprooting yourselves. Be smart and hang in there as you go through this heavy stuff.
This situation could go on for YEARS. In my own life I’ve been in charge of mom w/dementia for 7 years and counting. Sold my parents house/childhood home to fund her care and I thank god every day for that - I truly believe I wouldn’t be alive if I cared for her in my own home…not to mention that wouldn’t be physically possible. It’s still a lot of work and stress though, but she is well taken care of in a facility.
You described her as being unable to be left alone for more than two hours, plus toileting issues. As you decide how to move forward, keep in mind that this is the BEST she will be - yes dementia has ups and downs and people do make improvements in changed care settings. Things will slide downwards from here. Consider what years of this slide will do to your own lives.
Take care of yourselves and I wish you the best!
It is so hard to contemplate, but it is true.
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak.
I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc.
He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving.
My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago.
I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL.
Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it.
I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.