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We have planned a vacation for early January, this is first December. My mother isn't eating and drinking little. She drinks her smoothies and candy and she ate Thanksgiving meal that I made, but the doctor called and asked me if I wanted to resuscitate her. It scared me, I am still trying to call back the doctor to ask him more questions. The dietician said she is not eating and is losing weight but the last 4 weeks her weight stayed the same. Should I cancel my vacation? But should we go or stay home?

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By chance, have you asked your mom if you should go?

This is my experience with my Aunt (my second mom) and my Dad. I cancelled two separate trips because of either my Aunt’s rapid decline or Dad’s progressive care needs. After they both found out, they expressed a kind of disappointment. They didn’t want to be the reason I put my life on hold or the reason for cancelled vacations or reason behind anxiety/fear/worry. I told them I wouldn’t be able forgive myself if anything were to have happened and if I put myself in a position I where wouldn’t to be able to get home in time. Both said that I should have gone. There was no question of my love or commitment to them.

I can’t speak for anyone else’s family, but in my personal experience, when you have a chronically ill or declining relative there is never a good time. In terms of vacation, I waited until they died. I don’t regret the decision but I don’t know if it was a good decision. In my aunt’s last written wishes to me she listed two words to “Go. Live.” These words are now framed on my wall.

I recognize that people react differently and their personal needs are unique. I would ask her and then you can make the best decision for you both.
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I think you have to call the doctor, people approaching EOL often don't eat and drink less and less, it is the body's way of closing down. It is POSSIBLE that the doctor was thinking of this possibility. If he is then he should be able to give you some idea of the likely time she has. Perhaps he or you could get hospice to give you some advice. On the other hand perhaps the practice were simply having a tidy up of all elderly patient records and wanting to make sure peoples wishes are documented. You know what you feel is best for your mother, is she generally well, would she feel she had a reasonable quality of life. The automatic resuscitation of all patients as an idea has been changed to making sure people have expressed their wishes. Resuscitation is not like one sees on TV or as simple as we are led to believe, it often results in broken ribs and heart / lung damage, so which ever reason the Doctor called you for it is something to decide with your mother because if they do she is very likely to be in considerable pain for some time - he is asking her choice which is a vast improvement on life extension at all costs. Give him a call to check which it is, and hopefully you will then be able to decide you can take your vacation without any extra concerns.
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This dilemma boils down to one question.

Just ask yourself this - what would you do if you learned your mom had lost consciousness or passed away while on your trip?

Stay on the trip anyway until the end of the vacation = go

OR

Come back to be with her and/or make arrangements = stay.

All the odds, stories and anecdotes from posters on this site are irrelevant to your situation.
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My Mum had planned a trip to India for 2 years. My Granny had had Chronic Leukemia for a decade, but a few months before Mum's trip she started to go downhill.

Granny told Mum to go on her trip. This was 1992.

3 weeks into the trip Granny wound up in ICU, it was Boxing Day. A couple days later there were uprisings in India and Mum had to cut her trip short. Mum did not know Granny was in the hospital. My brother and I arranged for a ticket to get Mum home and Granny died the day after Mum got home. She died when nobody was with her.

Mum's sister lived in Ontario, she knew she could either afford a trip out for the funeral or before Granny died. She decided to wait for the funeral. She had lived thousands of miles away for 15+ years.

I know that when my Dad had a stroke and I got the call that he was not going to make it, I had a trip planned for 10 days later. Turned out Dad did live and I went on my trip. I did see him as soon as I got the word about the stroke.
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Only you can make that decision. Your mom is not eating and drinking enough. I would postpone the trip if I was you. Perhaps plan if gets stronger.
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dspd77: Imho, I cannot rightfully tell you to take the trip or not to take the trip, else if your mother takes a turn for the even worse health wise, I could never forgive myself. As you stated, a lot more information is needed from your mother's physician.
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I had 2 elderly parents to worry about when my DH and I traveled the world. We always bought trip insurance for that very reason. In 2014 we had an 18 day trip to China and Tibet planned for October when my father fell and broke his hip in July. I had him set up in AL by then , but my mother was still a nervous wreck and acting like if I left, she'd have a total breakdown (I'm an only child). So we cancelled the trip for 2 reasons. 1, I knew I couldn't really have a good time across the globe with my parents in bad mental shape *mom anyway* and 2, I wanted to be here to manage whatever crises erupted, even though I could rely on my 2 children to pinch hit for me. It was my decision entirely to cancel the vacation and I'm glad I did. Dad died in June.

You have to make a decision YOU are comfortable with. Can you go on vacation and have fun, under the circumstances? Only you can answer those questions. Don't feel like there's a " right or wrong" answer either.

Good luck!
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No. You should not cancel your vacation that you've already planned. Your mother's condition will not worsen because you take a break and go on vacation. Nor will it improve if you cancel it.
Take your vacation and enjoy yourself. Make sure you have someone around who can handle it if something happens with your mother while you're away.
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I remember when my FIL was dying in hospice. There was a poor gentleman in the same room with a horrible raspy breath, and he was alone, poor fellow. I guess the family had stopped spending nights, as he hadn’t eaten in over a month and was still going, like the Energizer Bunny.

Or, she could be like my husband’s grandmother. She hadn’t been feeling well, and we visited her in the hospital. She was sitting up and talking, and we told her of our engagement. She was so happy and said she wanted to give us some money to help. The doctor wanted to examine her, so we went downstairs to get a coffee. We weren’t gone 3 minutes and when we got back, she had died. She actually dropped dead.

If I were in your shoes, for me it would depend on our relationship. If she was a loving woman like my mother, I would stay. If she was a nasty witch like my MIL, I’d go.
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Of course, only you can answer that question, because you must live with the results. I would take the vacation. For all you know your mother will still be here in 6 months or even a year. We called the family to say their goodbyes when Mom was in dire straits 3 times before she actually died, the first time several years before her death. Even when she was in hospice she survived for almost 2 weeks longer than her doctors predicted. A vacation is an important thing for dealing with stress and you can't keep putting it off until you reach a point where nothing bad could happen.

On the other hand, think about what preparations should be made in case the death does occur when you are gone. Be sure the arrangements are all made and that someone has all the documentation and receipts. If you do go, you might want to think about NOT being notified of her death unless you really want to get into the hassle and expense of trying to get home quickly. If you would feel that you would have to do that, then don't go.

You may also consider having the funeral/memorial at a later date. This is sometimes done for the convenience of those who want to attend. When my aunt died during the height of the COVID crisis the family located near her had a very small burial and wake. Then, on my aunt's birthday in June they had a big celebration of her life that included a picnic at her favorite spot. All the family came to that celebration of life. There was also a delayed funeral for one of my best friends from my high school years. Many of us had moved to places all over the country. Her family could have done the traditional funeral 2 or 3 days after her death, but they chose to delay the memorial service 3 weeks to allow all of us who wanted to come a chance to get vacation time, purchase plane tickets, and all the other stuff. I lived a little over 3000 miles away and had a very heavy schedule at the time, but I was able to carve out a 4 day weekend and come to her funeral. There were at least 200 people who came as Cathy had always been well-liked. It was a wonderful thing to be able to get together for her one last time. Talk to your family and see what is acceptable for them.
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P.S. My sister lasted one day shy of three weeks without ANY liquids or food. So I wouldn't take any "pronouncements" from this site or the Internet on how long a person can live without any intake.
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LittleOrchid Dec 2021
So true. My mother far outlasted all of the predictions of death based on how much she was consuming. Sometimes some individuals can survive much longer than anyone predicts. Getting too hung up on when to expect a death simply increases the stress levels, but does nothing helpful. It is much better to just take it one day at a time without anticipating the timing.
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We went away and my sister ended up in the hospital. She had a seizure in the memory care home. We flew home early and when I got there I found out that the home had not followed its own procedures in making sure someone went to the hospital with her and reported on all of her medical conditions and stayed with her until she was admitted. I was very upset because I'm sure my sister was very scared by the entire process (going by ambulance, etc.). IF you decide to go away, you should make sure you understand the process that her facility uses to make split-second medical decisions and that you feel comfortable that they will follow these guidelines. As others have said, NO ONE can predict end-of-life timelines. Only G-d knows.
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Impossible to answer! Do you have hospice for her? A hospice nurse can usually predict how long she has and yo can decide on vacation. However, I was told my mother had more time and went to see my son in CA. One day later she was actively dying and passed away on our emergency trip home. Ask yourself how you would feel if that happened and you will have your answer.
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Katefalc Dec 2021
Not fair to answer like this. Putting guilt on people is not right. Because it happened to you I’m sorry but your answer feel heartless
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I think you need more information from the dietician, doctor, or other professional, especially since she has not lost any weight the last few weeks. It takes few calories to sustain a person at this point. Until you have more information, you might consider do you really need to make a decision immediately? Think about the last date it would be feasible for you to make a decision about your vacation. How hard would it be to re-schedule? Will this be a needed break for you, or would you spend your time worrying about your mother?
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If it's not too late to purchase travel cancellation insurance, do so. It sounds like your Mom is preparing and transitioning to die. The timeline is unknown, but If this happens while you're on vacation I am sure you will regret being away. Hopefully the doctor can give you some clear answers to guide your final decision.
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Resuscitation orders are usually addressed with family of older patients. It is not a scare tactic. Usually this conversation happens when a patient is admitted or early in the hospitalization process. People can live for quite a long time with diminished food intake. Usually, people do not last more than a week if they cease drinking altogether.

Resuscitation orders include CPR and artificial respiration efforts (think ventilators) and are only used during a "code." While the doctor is up for discussions about resuscitation, now would be a good time to talk about advanced directive. This is a medical-legal document that outlines all types of care that mom will or will not receive if she can not make her own care decisions: nutrition, fluids, curing diseases versus palliative care, CPR, ventilation... Most patients, especially older ones, are asked about advanced directives on admission. If mom can not make those decisions, then the next of kin is asked. That would be you.

Ask her doctor plainly what her risks of death are in the next several weeks. That will give you the answer you seek.
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You are probably asking the question b/c you feel you should not go on vacation and are looking for permission from others to do so. Do you visit your mother regularly and does she know you and know you are there? Will she know you are not visiting? I think you will have to be honest with yourself about how you will feel if your mother dies while you are away.
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My parents went on a cruise knowing Grandma (mom's mom) might not have much longer. After all, they planned for this cruise for so long, so much money invested, and Grandma could hold on longer for all they knew. Grandma died several days into their cruise. My aunt (her caregiver) held it against them, sisters became enemies, and nothing was ever right between them again. Both of them died last year within months of each other, didn't acknowledge each other in their obits, and never had spoken since the day of Grandma's funeral. Was the cruise worth it? Nope! I think you should delay your vacation.

We cancelled a trip to WDW when mil came to live her final days with us. She often said how she regretted that we didn't get that trip and asked us to promise that after she passed we would take the trip. Even though I promised, she never saw anything concrete. When the hospice nurse told us that mil was possibly lingering longer because of unsettled business, I went online, bought park tickets, and whispered to mil that I'd bought our tickets for WDW. She nodded her head and within an hour she passed. Do I regret cancelling the trip? Nope, no regrets. When we went three months after she passed, there was a peace and joy we would not have had earlier that year.

Vacations can be taken any time. The anticipated passing of loved ones nearing death can't be rescheduled. The loved ones are more important than money and relaxation.
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deedeer Dec 2021
My post is for Graygrammie:

Wow....I can see why both sisters would hold it against each other. The caregiver was left to deal with Mom's death while the other sister was having the time of her life. You are right in that vacation can be taken any time but there is only one Mom. Most likely, the sisters' anger with each other may had hastened their own demise...

PS: I tried to click on helpful answer but it did not go through.
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I think the Dr is only asking if she stops breathing do you want to try to bring her back?

If she's old and has medical problems, then usually the answer is no. They have lived a good long life and don't need to go through trying to be brought back. Which would mean broken bones, ect. The loved one should die in peace.

I would also not let my loved one be forced fed or have a feeding tube put in.

You should go on your Vacation and just call everyday to check on mom.
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It sounds like she is eating and drinking. She hasn't lost any weight. They get pickier as they age. My mom didn't seem to eat for a year. And when she did eat, it was a few bites and then she was done. It was a very slow process.
I would go on vacation, but keep your cell phone near.
The do not recesitate is normal part of paperwork/end of life decisions. I wouldn't read to much into that, bc he would have said more.
When my dad went to pass, the nurses called and said the end is near. He died within 24hrs. You need downtime too.
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The hospice nurse told us when my mom was dying that she would go on her terms-if she wanted us there, she'd wait for us. Not sure I believed it at the time. All of my siblings were at the house all morning. We all went out to lunch. When we , only myfinished, only dad and myself went in. We said a rosary next to my mom. Half way in, my brother came and joined us-almost immediately after he arrived, my mom died. Looking back, my grandmother was in the hospital. My uncle and several of us grandchildren had been there all day with her. Everyone went to dinner. She died within minutes of everyone leaving.
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Why would you even ask ???
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TaylorUK Dec 2021
Well it isn't clear to me, There is no 100% right answer to a situation we don't know all the details of. I find your answer very rude as no doubt you will find this one (yes my ASD makes me blunt), but there are a number of things to take into account. you are obviously fortunate enough to be able to answer those questions without the authors help.
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When they stop eating and drinking, that usually means they are on their way out. If you want to be with her when she passes, I wouldn't do it. You can always reschedule a vacation. You can't reschedule your mom's route.
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Can you get vacation insurance that will cover changes of plans, if you have to return early for your mother?
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That’s so hard to answer. My gut feeling is to keep with your plans. Your mom could last well beyond your vacation time. However, my mother in law was near the end when we had already planned a family vacation out of the country. We said our goodbyes to her, even though she was unconscious. She passed while we were in the air. I wish we would have waited a day to leave. - You just don’t know when is a good time. However, I believe mom would tell you to go on as planned. I certainly believe that is what my mother in law would have said.
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Her doctor is probably setting up a DNR. Is Mom on Hospice?

Hard decision. If you go something could happen, if you don't go it probably will not happen. Ask her Dr what he thinks.
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If you can relax and enjoy the vacation I’d encourage you to go. Trying to predict what may happen with our elders is usually a guessing game, you could very well cancel and not get a needed break and nothing happen with mom. Your need for respite is important.
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The doctor may have asked the resuscitation question because he did not have that information in your Mom's file. That was one of the first questions the ER asked me when my Mom and later my husband were in the ER.

Re the vacation: Some things to consider -- how complicated are the arrangements for this vacation (i.e., can it easily be canceled), how quickly could you get home; do you think you would be able to enjoy the vacation or would you feel very guilty; what does your spouse think; do you feel you would need to be with her when she passes; are you stressed out from dealing with your Mom's situation and you need to recharge. My personal theory is whatever action you take, you should be at peace with the decision. Kind regards.
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Ariadnee Dec 2021
I agree with this. Also, my friend's husband with Parkinson's disease had been readmitted to the hospital, she went into his room, he was resting comfortably. So, she went back to the waiting room, he passed away. I took care of my Mom at home. Towards the end I'd go check in on her every 30-40 minutes, just to see how she was doing-my last check-she had passed away. So, there's really no telling exactly when death comes to pass.
As Hedgie wrote, how complicated are the arrangements and can you easily get back if needed? Otherwise, "you should be at peace with the decision".
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