With prompting, she remembers he had an illness that prevented him from traveling (they lived about 1200 miles apart). The ill son, let's call him Joe, died last week and there will be no funeral, per his wishes. His illness, ALS, was not diagnosed until after he'd stopped visiting her and he never told her on the phone that he had a fatal disease, he just stopped calling when speech became too difficult. He didn't want her to know his illness would be fatal. But when her other son (the one I'm married to) and I visit, she repeatedly asks how Joe is and says she's worried about him. My father-in-law is still alive and lives with my mother-in-law in a nursing home. He also has some dementia but I'm not sure whether he would remember being told about Joe's death or not. My mother-in-law gets anxious and worried nearly to tears if I don't show up for a visit on time (so, I know she can remember some short-term things). I'm afraid she'll spend the end of her life in terrible grief if we tell her about Joe's death. On the other hand, it just feels wrong to keep lying to her about her own son.
what would you tell him if you could?
would you like to look at the family album with me?
(or if she is religious)I know you'll meet in heaven one day.
It's best if she's told he moved far away for his job and he just can't come visit because of distance and money. You'll think of something. Best of luck.
The sweet and loving relative for whom I am responsible, moves almost seamlessly between reality and the softer world of those whom she has lost, and I offer short, supportive comments that make her comfortable.
Kindness, compassion, and love are much more important to her where she is, than meaningless facts.
I’ve discussed this with several religious leaders, and they uniformly agree.
{{Hugs}} and Prayers 🙏 during this time of sadness at the loss of your brother-in-law.