My mother lives with my husband and me. She has alzheimer's dementia, and is in a wheelchair. She's had a life-long habit of giving her money to my brother. Now I have control of her money, allowing her spending money. When I refuse to give my brother money out of her savings account, she gets angry, mean, and declares she wants to move out to an apartment. She is on the waiting list at the nursing home, but she says she's not going there, she wants to live alone. She clearly cannot live alone. When she leaves here she will go to the nursing home. We are in the process of getting papers filed for guardianship. In the meantime, do I show her the doctor reports stating she in incapable of living alone, or of making decisions? Do I just tell her the doctor said she can't live alone? She knows about the guardianship proceedings, but she doesn't understand them. She thinks a guardian will be another person at her beck & call - she will tell them how she wants her money spent & they will do it. She had extensive testing a year ago, and the neuro-psychologist went over the results with her. However, she doesn't believe she has dementia. The report had a minor error about her circumstances, so she uses that to mean none of the report is correct. I'm looking for some way for her to have peace with the decisions my husband & I make. We are not going to bow to her bullying. So, if she reads the report, which states in black & white she is not capable of making decisions for herself, will she back down & accept her circumstances, or am I in for a continual battle with her for the rest of her life? My brother knows we don't want him to ask her for money. He is too selfish to consider how it affects her & us. So talking to him won't do any good.
If changing the subject when she brings up her health helps and works, go to it and distract her from the question; but if she consistently asks to see reports you must show them to her. What sense if any she can make of them is a different issue: all you can do is "lead the horse to water" - especially if it says it's thirsty! But in the end it's her report. If she wants to see it, don't keep it from her.
I hope for all of your sakes, including his, that your brother's progress continues. Perhaps one day it will be behind you, though it sounds as if he's given you quite a lot to forgive. Keep faith, all will be well. Well done. xxx
how the brain looks and how it looks with AD dementia,
there is a slide presentation on the internet.
I told her the reason she forgets so much is because of this
but that is as far as it went.
Our 86 year old doesn't want to be in a nursing home,
and has been out now for 1 year and 10 months now,
keeping social, busy and on a low sugar diet with
fiber, protein and vegetables and fruits loaded with
max. nutritional benefits and water.
I am proactive and her advocate day to day
but she does have a guardian.
BUT, if that means her funds come up short, causing her to need Medicaid, THAT is a problem…States have no hesitation rejecting help to someone, if funds WERE available, but not spent on her care & upkeep, when they do their "5-year-look-back".
Elders w/documented dementia causing them to make poor decisions, means they need someone to take over managing their affairs.
Sometimes that gets REAL ugly--families may split up, some ostracize one or several who try to take care of things---all kinds of things go haywire---may never get put right ever again. Just know that while going thru all this stuff.
Avoid compromising your health, your own ability to take care of yourself later, too..
IF the Elder struggled w/mental/emotional issues all their life, then determining when dementia takes over, & mental/emotional instability leaves off, is tricky--
--THAT often causes those who evaluate the person, to drag their feet at pronouncing incapacity--especially when the elder has managed to skate thru their lives without being evaluated properly, as so many have!
Your Mom's condition is documented by her Doc.
He knows it, you know it, your Brother should know it--but he may think he can still keep weaseling money from her, and may think he will be able to keep doing that off her estate…..you need some nice official --lawyer or minister or Social Worker, who will firmly inform him that Mom's estate is now being used only to care for Mom, not her kids.
She cannot remember hearing about it when it was done & she was informed
--she cannot do it any better now
--don't bother to show it to her now
--she will get very upset over it, & will more likely get angry, & may try to make rash choices that, at this point, you may have some difficulty dealing with.
Better, to take care of the business of getting guardianship, get her proper care all set up, THEN let anyone who needs to, know about how things now are.
Since you already have POA, that should be easier to get done.
Yep--Brother will be angry.
But Mom's POA's job is NOT to pander to his needs; Mom's POA is to take care of Mom.
Mom's gonna be angry: fearful how she has lost ability to take care of herself; fear of getting closer to death. It's a very scary position for so many people!
Especially those who have had a troubled life, and/or who have been very controlling in their lives.
That makes people very feisty…downright ugly sometimes.
Mom will likely become less angry as her dementia/Alzheimer's progresses.
Knowing things will get "better", sometimes helps a bit, just knowing that….and so that you can prepare yourself, your mindset, and maybe to take measures to protect yourself from those who might retaliate out of their anger. It's a great motivator to take whatever steps are needed to protect yourself, to plan ahead.