Do I show my mother the doctor report outlining her mental condition?

Gigi11 you are so right, the time comes where talking is pointless. I never had the heart to tell my mother she has a fatal brain disease, she went to a french school so she will say to me, what is dementia? In french it means forget, what does dementia do the only thing I can't do is drive. LOL I told her that dementia took away her independence, and we have to make sure she is safe. She was ok with that and sadly now she is what they call the twilight phase with one foot in reality and the other out, which is upsetting to them. We moved her from a nursing home she was completely miserable in. Into a memory center and after two months with all the activities she is finally doing good, praise God. My heart bleeds for all of you watching a loved one with this disease it breaks hearts. Somehow I know there is a lesson in all this for me, just can't put my finger on it yet.

IF Mom has enough funds to keep subsidizing her son, it may be OK.
BUT, if that means her funds come up short, causing her to need Medicaid, THAT is a problem…States have no hesitation rejecting help to someone, if funds WERE available, but not spent on her care & upkeep, when they do their "5-year-look-back".

Elders w/documented dementia causing them to make poor decisions, means they need someone to take over managing their affairs.
Sometimes that gets REAL ugly--families may split up, some ostracize one or several who try to take care of things---all kinds of things go haywire---may never get put right ever again. Just know that while going thru all this stuff.
Avoid compromising your health, your own ability to take care of yourself later, too..

IF the Elder struggled w/mental/emotional issues all their life, then determining when dementia takes over, & mental/emotional instability leaves off, is tricky--
--THAT often causes those who evaluate the person, to drag their feet at pronouncing incapacity--especially when the elder has managed to skate thru their lives without being evaluated properly, as so many have!

Your Mom's condition is documented by her Doc.
He knows it, you know it, your Brother should know it--but he may think he can still keep weaseling money from her, and may think he will be able to keep doing that off her estate…..you need some nice official --lawyer or minister or Social Worker, who will firmly inform him that Mom's estate is now being used only to care for Mom, not her kids.

She cannot remember hearing about it when it was done & she was informed
--she cannot do it any better now
--don't bother to show it to her now
--she will get very upset over it, & will more likely get angry, & may try to make rash choices that, at this point, you may have some difficulty dealing with.
Better, to take care of the business of getting guardianship, get her proper care all set up, THEN let anyone who needs to, know about how things now are.
Since you already have POA, that should be easier to get done.
Yep--Brother will be angry.
But Mom's POA's job is NOT to pander to his needs; Mom's POA is to take care of Mom.

Mom's gonna be angry: fearful how she has lost ability to take care of herself; fear of getting closer to death. It's a very scary position for so many people!
Especially those who have had a troubled life, and/or who have been very controlling in their lives.
That makes people very feisty…downright ugly sometimes.
Mom will likely become less angry as her dementia/Alzheimer's progresses.

Knowing things will get "better", sometimes helps a bit, just knowing that….and so that you can prepare yourself, your mindset, and maybe to take measures to protect yourself from those who might retaliate out of their anger. It's a great motivator to take whatever steps are needed to protect yourself, to plan ahead.

My Mom can't even remember what she did 5 minutes ago so I didn't even bother telling her. It's not going to make any difference..

I showed our 86 tear old,
how the brain looks and how it looks with AD dementia,
there is a slide presentation on the internet.
I told her the reason she forgets so much is because of this
but that is as far as it went.

Our 86 year old doesn't want to be in a nursing home,
and has been out now for 1 year and 10 months now,
keeping social, busy and on a low sugar diet with
fiber, protein and vegetables and fruits loaded with
max. nutritional benefits and water.
I am proactive and her advocate day to day
but she does have a guardian.

Showing her the report isn't likely to result in what you want. She will resist the information n the report for whatever reason. What is important is that you know what the report says. If possible, talk to her doctor and see if he can suggest a way to let her know that she needs help now. This is probably all very frightening for her. It would be for me.

That clarifies a lot. If your mother's care in itself exhausts her income and savings, there is no surplus and she is therefore not free to dispense anything to other people. End of.

If changing the subject when she brings up her health helps and works, go to it and distract her from the question; but if she consistently asks to see reports you must show them to her. What sense if any she can make of them is a different issue: all you can do is "lead the horse to water" - especially if it says it's thirsty! But in the end it's her report. If she wants to see it, don't keep it from her.

I hope for all of your sakes, including his, that your brother's progress continues. Perhaps one day it will be behind you, though it sounds as if he's given you quite a lot to forgive. Keep faith, all will be well. Well done. xxx

Thank you all for your wonderful advice, insight, and experiences! I truly do appreciate the time each of you took to help me.

My mother is already on Medicaid (thankfully!) so she doesn't have much in the way of money. Which makes it ironic that money is an issue. The problem with her & my brother has always been that my mother will find some reason to break the rules wherever she lived, not pay the rent, etc. & give the money to him. She has burned her bridges everywhere she's lived. Including a nursing home. She refused to pay her patient pay amount for 4 months, giving ALL the money to him. Now I'm repaying that amount out of her room & board. She has some money I managed to save for her, but I'm holding onto it because that full amount needs to be repaid before she can re-enter the NH. All she sees is her 50 year old "baby" in need & she has money to help him. Of course, he's always after her for it, too. This month, she gave him all but $12 of the money she had access to. So, yeah, it's technically "her" money, but if it weren't for me fighting her urge to give it away, she'd have none & my husband & I would be paying her way. Not to mention if we're paying her way because she's giving her money to him, it's as if we're supporting him also. I will help him myself at times, but I simply refuse to enable a drug addicted loser brother to continue in that path. (BTW, he has just started his first job in over 5 years, is clean, & doesn't need my mother & her easily available drugs tempting him.)

So, I agree that it is best not to show her the report. I was hoping she could gain some peace with her circumstances, but that obviously isn't going to happen. The suggestions to change the subject are excellent. What I am trying to do is, when she brings up the subject, to simply state what I will or will not do, with a kind tone of voice, then change the subject. Then make sure I do something nice for her, and continue to be kind and peaceable. That's my plan. Sometimes my husband needs to remind me to do it!

She is trying to get social services to set her up in an apt. The dr. says she cannot live alone, so she wants the brother to live with her. They have lived together at least 3 times - epic failures all 3 times - but says they deserve a "second chance."

My dear mother is very strong-willed & stubborn. I'm afraid we're in for a long, difficult process. Even though the dr. advised at least a year ago that she have a guardian, I have dreaded going against her wishes in that regard. I cannot put it off any longer. I have another brother who is willing to step up & apply for guardianship, but he lives across the US from us. So, this is the step we need to take to protect my mother AND my brother. The dr. recommended she be placed in the NH. Her name has been on the waiting list for 6 months. When I last checked, they didn't want her back unless someone had guardianship, & the previous bill was paid in full, of course. So that's what we're working on.

This surely is a hideous disease. It's so much more than just "memory loss." I don't like my mother much right now, & she doesn't like me. I try to remember what she was like when she was young & strong, before dementia started to change her. The Bible assures us at Isaiah 33:24 that there will be a time when no one will say, "I am sick." The time for us to have to deal with these tragic illnesses is almost over. The our great & loving God will step in & correct matters. Nothing can happen to us that He can't fix. I look forward to the time when He will restore my mother to good health.

I truly appreciate the wisdom and empathy you all have shown. This is not the first time I've had to ask for help here, & probably won't be the last. It's wonderful to be able to share encouragement. You have all helped me to see the need to press on with love, when I'd like to throw up my hands in frustration. Bless you all! :)

thanks Joannes, you helped me

it will only serve to alienate her. Simply say "ok" to her complaints and she may stop arguing with you. You can file for emergency guardianship.

Will telling someone he or she has dementia be accepted well? Of course not! That's when you hug the person and say you will always be there to help! Would you rather know you had a disease or think you were going crazy? I know which my mom preferred!

Reports are probably best left in the file for now. My husband is developing dementia. I typed up a report for his doctor for a followup visit after an ER visit for overdose. He wasn't sure if he took the first pill, but was able to communicate he thought he took two instead of one. I did not intend for him to see the report. He gets up at night and wanders about on the computer. Its
usually the internet, but this night it was my documents. The report did impress him in that he kept asking, "I really did that?". He doesn't carry it to the next point - the doctor not giving him more pain killer, the insurance and ER listing it as an incident secondary to overdose. I say little about this or other incidents as it does not help the general mood of the household. Best luck with your mom. My brother deals with our mom, I deal with my husband, our sister deals with none. She moved far away and only likes to hear that everyone is still OK.

I have a sister in a group home who functions at about age 5. The reports mean nothing to her. She just wants to have her way, and if you give an inch she will keep pushing. So don't give in, just tell her NO, because she understands NO. Offering her reports just gives her something to push against. Just say NO.

I'm on the cusp of dealing with this with my mother, but I can share how this went down with my grandmother. My mother and her siblings chose to tell my grandmother nothing about her dementia diagnosis or mental decline. This troubled me because I felt she deserved to know, especially early on while she was still mostly herself so that she could "say her goodbyes" or do whatever final things she felt she needed to do before her mind deteriorated too far. I do agree though with most posters that it is unlikely to be accepted well but I feel like at least once it should be clearly discussed if possible to give them that chance.

I would say that the time to tell someone that s/he has dementia is right after the diagnosis. At that point, the person is probably still fairly cognizant and can understand what you are saying. I would tell someone rather than give him or her a medical diagnosis to read. And - yes - one simply MUST tell a person that he or she has dementia of whatever stripe so s/he knows what is happening. As a doctor who only saw people with dementia noted in a long-gone email support group: the reason people do not tell is because THEY are too afraid to deal with this. Older folks (or, I imagine, people with EOAD) can handle more than you realize.

That said, when the person has progressed beyond the beginning stages of the disease, it might be pointless to talk about the dementia. However, I would give it a shot once anyway and see what happens. The bottom line is (and I know some people who would disagree with me) that honesty is always best.

I don't know if it comes in time with all forms of dementia, but my Dad, who knew, early on, that he had dementia, got on the meds and basically kept it to himself for several years, DID, when he started to need help with paying bills etc, get into a 'fighting and denial mode' after he signed over POA and their trust to me. It was difficult for a while dealing with him, but since then, as his dementia (and thus his memory ) has gotten worse, he's now in a place where he doesn't fight much of anything. Occasionally he asks why he is living where he is or why he cannot go home and I find the best, most acceptable answer that works for him is to say, " Doctor says you need to be here, while they get your meds straightened out and help you with your memory problem' Then, its 'OK....if the doctor thinks so. I know my memory is bad now...." and we just start talking about something else. He cannot remember a conversation for more than a little bit, so it gets forgotten and it will come up again, but the same answer makes him happy again since he doesn't remember the previous discussions anymore. And re: giving money to someone else, I would suggest you just say that you have paid all the bills and you are taking care of him too....whether or not you give him anything. My Mom is in early dementia now, and still at home. Her memory is still pretty good, but I am noticing that when she's angry and being a 'pistol' about something....ordering me what I should do to take care of it etc....if I just keep talking until we go on to something else....Mom is starting to forget about the thing she was fighting and arguing about. I think the 'practice' I've had with my Dad is making it easier for me to recognize, NOT comment and get into the issues Mom brings up...and just move into the diversions better with her. Which is good, as I am TIRED! Sometimes, I just say that did what she wanted me to....when I really did nothing about it, and don't worry about it anymore, because she is not remembering to come back to it over and over and over....or check on if I did or didn't. It's like she wants the control 'right now'...but as soon as I say I'll do whatever she thinks should be done....she's on to the next thing in her mind and never remembers to come back to the first thing. Much easier when you start getting to that point and can recognize that diversion works OK. When the same issue is brought up again, don't mistakenly think they are on it again because they are insistent and keeping track of things....because they aren't really....they just don't remember it's already been dealt with. And don't argue. Just say OK...I'll take care of it....and either do so if it's important or let it go and divert to another issue.

It is pointless to try to ground your mother in reality by showing her a diagnosis. It will only have her digging her heels in further. You have POA, she's living with you, so you are, if you don't rock the boat, in control of the situation.
I recently read a book about interacting with people with dementia. The author advises the "best friend" approach. Don't disagree, gently lead to the desired outcome.
As for the brother...as much as you can, separate your feelings about his mooching from the reality of the situation. If your mother's assets are minimal, it's a no brainer. The money will be needed for her care in the SNF and you'll have a five year Medicaid lookback if she runs out. Unless they're very small amounts, the money she's doling out to her son would have to be repaid. However, as someone else has said, if your mother is very secure financially and in no danger of needing public assistance for paying the SNF, then it's her money and if she wants to indulge him, it's her choice.
What I would do....when asked to fork over some cash for your brother (I assume you hold the checkbook), I'd say "OK, Mom." That's it. Then I'd either not give him anything (if funds are limited) or I'd give him an amount I thought was more reasonable. I'd explain the situation to him - that you're conserving mom's money for the SNF. But, if he complains to her and she asks again on his behalf, my answer would be the same "OK, Mom" and give him nothing. He'll learn soon enough and you won't get into an argument with your mom about how she's incapable of taking care of her own decisions – an argument you could NEVER win.

I really agree with Sunflo's and Exquinox's advice (similar to some of the other comments), it makes little sense to try to drive home the deteriorating mental state of your Mom. Think of the fear and the complete loss of control she is experiencing. Sunflo's suggestion of letting her give your brother a small allowance each month would most likely make her feel so much better. Mothers worry about the child who has struggles, and that's just a fact. (I have four children and one has struggles, so I help her a bit, and if I was not allowed to do so, I would hate it, and I would worry about her welfare.) Since it sounds like your Mom is still "with it" enough to know some of what's going on, it seems to serve no purpose to have these constant struggles with her. As her dementia progresses she may not be so aware of what's happening financially. (Unlike Frustrated's MIL who had her mental capacity until the end.) She won't be needing extra spending money for giving gifts etc. Like Ba8alou suggested, would a dementia unit in an Assisted Living be better for her, since she is so against going into a NH? Anyway, not the question you asked, so in getting back to that question :) I would say absolutely don't press on with showing her the Dr's statement about her mental condition. She knows, I'm sure, and is frightened. Driving it further into her head with a statement from the Dr. as proof, would only make her more afraid, and it seems an unnecessary cruelty. Sort of like saying, "SEE! Look for yourself. This is how incompetent you are!!" :( Best of luck to you, BrendaLee. These are hard and frustrating times we all are going through. It's hard to know which way to go.

When I took my mother to the doctor’s recently, they give us a list of her medications and what they are used for. Hers said that she had dementia. She stared at the page for a long time but never said a word.
My mom knows she has memory issues but laughs them off as her being old.
When we first removed her from her home she kept saying that she wanted to go home. I kept replying, “I’m sorry that you can’t go home right now. The doctor said that you need to live with one of us until we get your health back on track”.
I don’t know if saying that to her helped her. I do know that it helped me to deal with the situation of her wanting to be on her own again. Knowing I had a response to her question/statement made me feel good about it. Maybe you can figure out some sort of reply that is a bit ambiguous but acknowledges her desire to be in her own place.
I also feel that if you repeatedly approach the subject of the dementia, your mom may understand it for a few minutes, feel the pain and fear of knowing that she has an incurable disease, then, forget that you ever said it. If you repeatedly go through the cycle, I feel, it would be painful, for both of you.
As for the sibling who wants money, maybe give him $20 and then you can honestly tell your mother that you gave him what she could afford this month and that the rest needs to be set aside for her care.
I am thankful that I don’t have to deal with that with my mom. My siblings are afraid that if they get involved in my mom’s care that they will have to contribute money for her. They don’t even ask.

I would not bother telling her or showing her, she has dementia and won't remember it and will not be able to process this information for future decisions she can't make. As financial POA, pay her bills for her, tell her you'll give the brother money and she will be fine, just don't pay him anything.

Medical studies have supported that many patients with dementia suffer from anosognosia. If a patient with dementia has anosognosia (its a symptom and nothing they have control over) they are unable to understand that they have dementia. For years people have assumed they were in denial or were merely being difficult. If they have anosognosia they CANNOT comprehend that they have dementia. In simpler terms, this is another way their brain is broken.

While it has been acknowledged with dementia patients for a long time, in the past 10 years, FINALLY the medical world has come to understand that many people who suffer from schizophrenia and bi-polar, also suffer from anosognosia. All of these poor people suffering with mental illness refusing to take meds, whose families believe they are stubborn or in denial are neither. It is just another element of their mental illness.

So many people get discarded by their families in frustration when its not their fault at all. And the families can't make them take meds without taking legal action, sad for everyone really.

My MIL who passed away from vascular dementia had anosognosia. She never had any understanding that she had dementia. She thrived under unconditional positive regard from all of us. We didn't correct her ever. While she had been a pretty hateful person to me, prior to dementia, I understood that, with dementia, it was a whole new ballgame.

Too bad more people don't know about anosognosia.

My Mother loved the saying "this too shall pass" and that is so true of any situation you face with an Alz patient. I would not show her the Drs. report. Her powers of self delusion are at their best right now. I also would not give the spoiled son any more of her money. Those who say it's still her money have not experienced her money running out. You have to make it last until her death and that could be many years. You also have to think about a 5 year look-back if she needs Medicaid. At this point, the future is impossible to predict so err on the side of caution. She will not have a dramatic personality change and accept her situation and lack of control. Sorry. Every step will be a struggle until she regresses to a baby stage. This is the terrible two's revisited and you are the bad guy. You seem strong enough to handle it - you're doing great so far. Keep us updated if you can.

1. Put yourself in your Mom's position. Her diagnosis is a terrifying one, and neither she nor anyone else can fix it. Don't complicate her confusion with information she can't handle. In any case, it won't fix the problem with your brother. Know that (sadly) her denial will eventually fade as she loses mental capacity. There is no way around the difficult move to a care setting, but she will eventually get used to new circumstances. (I know, I've been visiting my dear wife in a skilled care center every day for two years, and have seen many people go through that sad transition).
2. Get someone else to intervene with your selfish, useless brother. An authority figure (lawyer, judge, pastor, priest, trusted friend) needs to bring him up short, face facts and help with her care rather than being a perpetual parasite.
Best wishes.

Sadly, there comes a time when talk is pointless. Why get into arguments with your mother or brother when you know nothing will change? It just saps your strength, doesn't it?

If your mother starts to carry on about giving money to her son, maybe it would work to just tell her, "We can't do that anymore. The money is needed for your care." And then drop it. Keep it light. Smile. Nod. But subject closed.

Blessings and good luck.

Sure. Let her see her medical report since it is about her. I showed the EEG results to my husband and once he saw the "abnormal" findings he now admits he has a problem with his memory. If your mom is in the 80 yr. age range, she is going to have resolve like you have not seen before and therefore, yes, she probably will continue to deny she hasn't a problem until she really gets more memory loss. As the disease progresses, she will lose the ability to form sentences, and therefore the ability to talk. There is relief on its way, just be patient with her and know this is a horrible disease, one I wish no one had to endure. Give her a hug, when the time comes put her in the nursing home, and after she is there she will forget you eventually. That's the way of the disease.

I agree with above. It will not do any good to outline, enhance, enlarge, notarize, have the President sign ANY medical report of her illness. Doesn't matter how many times you have any heart-to-heart talks, how many 'experts' have told her, how many times it is written, she will not accept it. One thing also I have noticed about my mom is that she starts to lose comprehension beyond 3 to 5 words. It gets her upset and she stops reading. I've been through this regarding many subjects including her health status, the loss of her ability to drive a car, her financial status---it doesn't do any good. I have PofA over the finances (write checks and pay bills). Some years ago my mom was giving to any charity that asked and I have a brother who was also 'needing' money monthly. I finally had to step in and get rid of the charities and explain to the brother that the money could also not be forthcoming anymore. If your brother is somehow entitled to the money, I like the answer another caregiver gave regarding negotiating with your mother on the amount.

Um. I don't know how well off your mother is. But if it has been her lifelong habit to indulge your brother, and if she has sufficient funds to continue to do that without placing her own financial security at risk, and if she still feels and expresses the wish to do so - regardless of anything your brother might say or do, or your own opinion of his behaviour - then you have no right to prevent her. You cannot countermand (or fail to act on) her wishes simply because you disagree with them. You can only do that if to enact them on her behalf would jeopardise her own interests. Be very careful on this point. Be especially careful precisely because it IS so incredibly frustrating.

But to return to your question: yes, you ought to show her all medical reports, allow her to read it for herself, don't interrupt her or challenge what she says, but offer any help she asks for to understand it and encourage her to ask questions. You will need to do this on innumerable occasions and it will get tedious and frustrating - but it's still worth the effort. Do not expect her to agree with it, or to like it, or to accept it. It would be wonderful if, given time and your endless patience, she came to trust your and your husband's decisions as being simply devoted to ensuring her ongoing welfare, comfort and happiness; but she's a long way from that, by the sound of it, so all you can do is make the best choices you can and meanwhile accept her unhappiness with her situation. Thwarting her wish to indulge her spoiled child is not a good start to helping her relax, by the way; so don't unless you have a genuine duty to do so. It is her money, always remember that. I'm sure you didn't mean how it sounded, but the phrase "allowing her spending money" made my antennae twitch. It's ALL her money. Your role is to protect her from theft, abuse, insane reckless spending and all the other potential adverse consequences of losing mental capacity; but once that's achieved you must do as she wishes.

What you seem to be longing for, understandably, is that you will somehow be able to make her at peace with what is a terrifying, imprisoning condition. No, almost certainly she will never "back down and accept her circumstances." Would you?

I didn't even address the financial ramifications here. So true. My parents have enough money to take care of themselves and have LTC. I don't think money would be an issue. My MIL also recently passed away at 93. She had LTC and a teacher's pension as well as her husband's pension, so an income monthly regardless of what she had stashed away of about $4000/mo. She never lived 'lavishly' and her NH was truly awful, but once there, the money began to really go. Since she had LTC and income, she would never be without money to pay for her stay, but she did spend down a lot of of 'freedom' money, which meant extras like getting her hair done, giving gifts, things that gave her pleasure to do, before she died. She was always mentally aware, so those things meant a lot vs had her mind been gone. It was just amazing to see, despite constant UTI's, two falls and hip breaks, pneumonia twice, in general very fragile health, including a slow growing lung cancer for years, that she appeared to be on the track to live well into her mid to upper 90's. It was a blessing when she passed away at 93 because her quality of life was so bad, but truly, distressing because with all the medications and ability to keep a person alive, they can easily live and run through money. If your mother is not in good - very good - financial shape, I think you just have to see it as your duty to protect her resources or she could have a wretched existence. You ARE doing the right thing. I think the guilt and lack of appreciation is the part that drives people crazy.

That is so true, I found out Medical Assistance could back 5 years...My mom will be penalized part of a month because of a matter involving financing my brother for a motorcycle.

My own mother is 79 and has had what all of the family but my dad has been willing to call 'some kind of mental disorder' all her life. I believe she is most definitely NPD and that has made her very mean when she feels like hurting someone. She has always done what everyone refers to her "Lucy" things - little hit and run in a parking lot, walked out of stores when kids were little wearing the outfits she tried on them, ended up somehow behind the register with the employee telling her 'you have to get out of there'. Some of these things have been humorous in the telling but others are darker, won't go into those now. Lately at my father's birthday part (80) she walked around and told everybody what she planned to do 'when Daddy dies' and thought it was funny. Caused a huge family fight with one brother and his wife getting thrown out. There has been drama all my life involving her. In the past few years, my Dad, who is the son of a loving Alcoholic (so his dirty habit was hidden out of 'loyalty' or so my grandmother thought), mentioned that he 'thinks she might have Alzheimers'. She is constantly asking things like 'have you ever taken a cruise' when she knows you just got back from one. Some of this, having seen her behavior all my life, seems to be that she is so totally self centered that with aging, she has just gotten worse. She MIGHT have Alzheimers, but there is no family history that I am aware of and most of her side of the family lived well into their 90's. My point here is that when I have said to my father, when he says that, is "take her to the doctor". He says he will, when she gets 'worse'. I tried to explain that to halt any progression this needs to happen sooner than later. But he knows she will flip out, probably refuse or forget to take her meds. He doesn't WANT her to have Alzheimers so going to the doctor would be confirming something she doesn't want to know! He mainly uses it as an excuse for her very bad, very mean, and sometimes erratic behavior. With both of their personalities, and with the enabling my siblings do with her (all her life no one has EVER set her straight) I am positive nothing will be done. I have had a real long journey trying to separate '__it from shinola' with her, because if you just met her you might think this is a change. To me, she is just doing more of what she has always done. And I am sure she would never stand for complying with treatment. She would be vindictive and hurtful while you are trying to help her. BTW, both my sisters are nurses and I am not. So, even though they are not doctors and do not even deal with Alzheimers patients, I am discounted because as nurses, obviously they know more than I do. I am a person who wants a direction and then wants to be proactive. Most of the rest of my family are enablers. My parents have money and that plays into it too. If you don't stroke them, they will threaten to 'write you out'. It has happened to me three times and none of them want that. I don't need their money and don't care so I have no ulterior motive and they cannot work me. I have reached the point of deciding that what will be will be. I know things are getting 'ugly'. But I personally don't believe there is any way to make a person with a history of NPD behavior all of a sudden accept that you have their best interest at heart or make them be nice and compliant. That is just who they are and it can go hand in hand WITH Alzheimers. If you are the primary caregivers, I guess you just have to accept your mom is not going to appreciate or like what you are doing or what she may need to do. But was with a child, her judgement is not that of a grown up, functioning adult and you have to do your best to keep her safe. Harden up a little, seek help and support if you need to and do what you have to do.

I would agree with all the above posts. One thing I would add is that if mom will need Medicare/Medicaid to cover her N/H expenses the look back will include money Mom has given to brother and he may have to pay it back.