My mother lives with my husband and me. She has alzheimer's dementia, and is in a wheelchair. She's had a life-long habit of giving her money to my brother. Now I have control of her money, allowing her spending money. When I refuse to give my brother money out of her savings account, she gets angry, mean, and declares she wants to move out to an apartment. She is on the waiting list at the nursing home, but she says she's not going there, she wants to live alone. She clearly cannot live alone. When she leaves here she will go to the nursing home. We are in the process of getting papers filed for guardianship. In the meantime, do I show her the doctor reports stating she in incapable of living alone, or of making decisions? Do I just tell her the doctor said she can't live alone? She knows about the guardianship proceedings, but she doesn't understand them. She thinks a guardian will be another person at her beck & call - she will tell them how she wants her money spent & they will do it. She had extensive testing a year ago, and the neuro-psychologist went over the results with her. However, she doesn't believe she has dementia. The report had a minor error about her circumstances, so she uses that to mean none of the report is correct. I'm looking for some way for her to have peace with the decisions my husband & I make. We are not going to bow to her bullying. So, if she reads the report, which states in black & white she is not capable of making decisions for herself, will she back down & accept her circumstances, or am I in for a continual battle with her for the rest of her life? My brother knows we don't want him to ask her for money. He is too selfish to consider how it affects her & us. So talking to him won't do any good.
My heart goes out to you....
I was in a very similar circumstances with my brother.
Mom (who is in stage five of Alzheimer) , I and my brother were in a constant battle till she broke her hip less then three months after fracturing her back...As luck will have it after she was in transitional care she was able to go right into the nursing home where she gets very good care. This basically took care of the problem. My brother is still living in her home but is in the process of moving out. I will be so relieved because of of him constantly getting money out of her, no matter what I did even giving her a small allowance. There is no right answer. I would strongly advised to get an elder law lawyer. The one I have has dealt with filing for Medical Assistance, and other matters pertaining to mom, her finances and of course my brother. I have found with mom when she is hell bent on something that diversion is the best remedy. Are you getting time away, I know she lives with you but I would see about getting someone to be with her even for a short bit so you and your husband can get away. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers...
Take care of yourself.
Equinox
I don't think she will accept anything you show her in black and white. The guardianship proceedings are likely to make matters worse emotionally between you as she will feel you are taking total control where she will have little to no input. And then you will place her in nh. This will be upsetting for her. I'm not sure about the legal ramifications but you can check with your attorney to make sure you will have both financial and medical guardianship. If she is relatively coherent and capable, the court could assign a separate guardian for her finances especially if mom says she wants brother to have some control. Not to scare you, just be aware that these legal proceedings can turn messy.