My sister is not realistic about our mother's health. Our mother has had several strokes, has fallen and broken her hip, and is no longer able to be mobile without assistance. She is in a nursing home. My sister believes mom would be fine with more physical therapy and could go home if dad (who is in his 80's) would try harder. She is angry at dad and wants me to be angry too. How do I cope with this?
Carol
Is your sister interferring with the plans you have made or just wanting you to be her "venting ear?" If so, I would give her so many minutes to vent, then change the subject or always have a reason to leave the conversation. It does not sound like she is the type to "pitch in" so I would not get angry over it (dealing with this one myself.) I am sorry that your sister is badgering your father. Sometimes the elderly have no energy to deal with a whiner and just let them blather on.
My siblings just "blow up" anytime they are asked to do anything reasonable to help. So I just had to put some distance between us. With everything I have on my plate, I did not have the strength to deal with self-centeredness.
The last thing you need is to have to justify your sound decisions. Make good plans, follow through with them, and create some distance between you and those who are "energy vampires."
Good Luck,
Lilli
Hang in all of you. It's tough. You've got people here who understand.
Carol
Don't take this literally, but slap some sense into Cleopatra Queen of Denial. Find support groups in your area and drag her along; doctors and nurses at the NH can help too. Eventually enough people are going to be calling her a horse she'll have no choice but to put on a saddle.
Help her see the Light -- whatever light that is --; as long as she begins to embrace the fact that life is a circle that all of us sooner or later complete.
Good luck.
-- ED
I’d like to take what DanielRomero said on Dec 21st, 2009 "How much can we realistically expect my 80 something father to help with my mother's care?” and expand.
This question should be asked of the Doctor, your Father, sister your self. This will clearly indicate how reasonably your Father & sister perceives the situation and compare it to the medical and possible social work/discharge planner’s advice. Call a local Home Care agency (Home Health or non-medical) and have a home care assessment completed. They are usually done for free, depending where you live, so ask them. This assessment will provide a general and specific evaluation of the household and personal care required to maintain life safely and independently for your parents. It’s not fair to assume that Dad should put himself at risk trying to care for his wife. If it is determined additional care is needed, do your homework and discuss methods and cost of the care level recommended. Often, family can supplement a few hours a week to help with costs. If possible, have a face to face conversation with your sister. Leave your baggage by door, and speak only on the facts and your concerns. Make no insinuations, guilt comments etc. Try very hard to stay on topic and not let personalities and anger/resentment fuel you’re conversation. Find something you both believe about your folks, and let what you think in common be the beginning of the first step together. I hope this is helpful