I have been the primary caretaker since 1995. First dad with cancer battle for 13 months then mom moved in with my husband, daughter and myself in 1998. In 2012 my mom started to decline cognitively and mobility. The generation that does not believe in doctors. I am a nurse so I sort of know what is going on inside her. Since the decline, I have asked my older sibling to help with reprieve such as 4 hours a month any day, just so my husband and dgtr could well, just be. After I asked a couple of times, they have completely disconnected. We were inseparable, and the hardest part is the cut off from my 14 year old dgtr. They were so close, he would always come over and visit and call. He did meet someone about the same time of the decline but she is very family oriented so I don't think that is it. I have called, texted and even wrote a letter that I don't care about him helping out, just want the closeness we have had for 40 years. It's the strangest situation, why has he shut off from everyone within my home? Is there anyone on the flip side of caregiving that could shed some light on this behavior? Is ignorance bliss? Meaning not knowing or seeing the decline? I get the "no time, work to much, and "it's my time to live".
No accounting for brother's choices....maybe he's starting to feel guilty for having gotten that much money from Mom, and has no way to pay it back?
BUT...without him stating his reasons for staying no contact, it's all speculation---which will hurt you worse than him!
Better to just "let go and let God" so to speak--and find solutions to getting things done without him, taking joy in knowing the good work you are doing--it's some of the hardest there is.
Yep--there could be a 5-year look-back if Mom needs Medicaid help, and she's been giving it away.
If she gives money to you, instead of putting it back, which might feed confusion, you could put it in a safe place, instead, for future reference.
She will think she gave you money, and might feel good about it, or, she might not later, and want it back...never know!
Or she might need it for Co-pays for medical, or medical equipment or something--then it would be available.
You don't want her giving it to strangers when she's out shopping, for instance--mine did that, and she also buried some, or packed it badly---heaven only knows where mouldering money might later be found, where my Mom has spent time.
Medicaid will question where the money went, if it disappeared within that 5-year look-back---they don't care where it went, other than it didn't go to help take care of the elder's needs.
My Mom "disappeared" over $200K in a bit over a year, to various places--THAT is something Medicaid would scrutinize, and would deny Medicaid coverage until Mom lived 5 years past the money's disappearance.
What a wonderful, rare gift to have lived such a pleasant life so long! Please don't let your brother's behaviors add stress to your days---work at finding other ways to "take a break" with your DH and child.
Might check with Area Agency on Aging to find home care workers, or hook you up with Elder day Care places, Senior Centers and those activities that your Mom might enjoy, which could serve to give you a couple or few hours to yourself or with your family.
But if I let it bother me (which it did for a long time) it hurts me and not him. He simply isn't involved or very concerned about our mom. He calls her once a week (for probably a three minute call) at my insistence. He never asks me for things to ask her about or to get her to talk about. So I just let the two of them figure it out. I can't control everything and I can't make my brother a better son for our mom. That's "their" deal, not mine. And I'm much happier as a result!
Kids [even as adults] have a hard time watching Mom decline, unless they were brought up being close to relatives aging and dying as part of normal family life. The modern world, that's gotten more rare.
OR.....The person he met at that juncture, could be far less family oriented than you think; could even be one of those sick weirdos--it happens--they twist their target person away from family connections, before the targeted person realizes what's going on.
OR.....they could be just wanting to keep to themselves as a new relationship--not wanting it to be stressed by family stresses of declining relatives.
OR..... he could be declining himself---how old is he?
Has he had any head injuries in his life? or, PTSD from military service? Those could cause rifts.
OR......maybe he has lots of business with his work, and can't get away---except, that would make NO excuse why he doesn't answer any messages, letters, etc.
OR.....Commonly, kids who separate from the flock walk away, because they have experienced some levels of abuse--by a parent and/or other siblings, which they finally refuse to tolerate any more....it might not even be abuse you are aware of.
It's very common for one or 2 kids in a family, to become targets for inappropriate behaviors of one or both parents--the kid[s] might go through a whole life, putting up with it, trying to make things better---then one more thing happens, and they choose to walk away. It's very common, also, for the other siblings to perpetrate more of that similar abuse upon the one or 2 kids targeted by the parent.
OR......Sometimes the parent and the other siblings choose to walk away from the single kid, and make it look like the single kid is the one who chose to leave the flock--because it makes them all feel better to point a finger at the one who walked.
KEY CONCEPT: When someone refuses to even answer any attempts at your contacting, at all, that makes it pretty clear: there's some strong reason he is keeping distant; that USUALLY means: He's felt too hurt, too long, too often, related to something that someone says or does to him, and wants no more hurt from Mom's or your direction;
OR.....he's got problems or illness of his own to deal with---maybe he doesn't want to burden you or Mom with it.
It's sad that family members allow things to get so terribly broken. It hurts both sides. But unless someone starts talking openly about that "elephant in the living room", and try to resolve it, there it will stay, blocking passage through the room.
Well done you! And well done for the walking therapy, too - hope it isn't long before you're enjoying the fresh air again. Big hug.
And I too, think the new girlfriend comes into play here - I've seen a couple cousins pull away from family because of the new lady in their lives.
I agree with Jeanne about moving forward as if you are an only child. I know many kind men who cared for their parent/parents and I know many who ran. The runners always had a history of selfishness. Take a good hard look at your brother. Let me know if I have been too harsh. I don't mean to be. :)
The inside flap on the book has the four agreements listed with a paragraph about each. I think they're really valuable when you think about it. What would the world be like if we made no assumptions and took nothing personally?
When I think about my life, it would ease a lot of the stress and burden because I'm always getting upset about how others do things. Do I manage to live this way most of the time? No, LOL, but it's a good reminder!
I set up a badminton event last night and there were two no-shows (grrrrr) and one woman was super competitive in her play, which upset me because two women were total beginners. If I didn't take it personally and knew it was about them and not me, I wouldn't have gotten so cranky about it. :)
I love the book, "The Four Agreements." One of the agreements is, "Don't take anything personally." He goes on to say, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream." Another agreement is: "Don't make assumptions." Everyone here is assuming/imagining what is going on with your brother. No one knows but your brother. So let him live his life as he wants and you go about your own life doing what you need to do to stay healthy and happy. As JeanneGibbs says, get some respite care for yourself.
It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn, but she'll be OK. People in life disappoint us, it's just a part of life. And sometimes family really let us down. But we just pull those who stay even closer into our sphere of love.
Don't bother calling for help anymore, and take Jeanne's suggestion to hire a temp caregiver.
I wonder if the parent is placed in a continuing care facility if the isolated sibling would start becoming part of the family again?
May I put a little different spin on this? Even if he did "help," his idea (and his new gal's) might be very different from what you imagine. You're thinking, "If he'd only...." If he were in with both feet, he STILL might not "if only he'd..."
From what I read on here, siblings can make caregiving even more of a nightmare than it is. Making decisions by committee is very difficult, in my opinion. I cared for mom as an only child. No recriminations from siblings, no committee disagreements, no help. But SHE had saved for a rainy day. So I got my respite with the money she'd saved.
I understand it's not ALL about his not helping, but more about: "What the HELL is wrong with you???" Accept that you can't know that until and unless he's ready to tell you. "Mom, he must have something going on in his life right now. He loves you...just can't deal right now." That's what I'd tell my mom, I think.
And in the meantime? I'd invite him and his girl to every 'doings' and ignore that he doesn't respond or show up. Olive branches often build into powerful trees. "We hope you and Missy will come to Thanksgiving dinner with us. 2:00. We love you and miss you in our lives." Period. Then Christmas. Then birthdays, Then...whatever.
In the meantime, appreciate the autonomy you DO have taking care of mom. It could be, believe me, much worse.