I have been the primary caretaker since 1995. First dad with cancer battle for 13 months then mom moved in with my husband, daughter and myself in 1998. In 2012 my mom started to decline cognitively and mobility. The generation that does not believe in doctors. I am a nurse so I sort of know what is going on inside her. Since the decline, I have asked my older sibling to help with reprieve such as 4 hours a month any day, just so my husband and dgtr could well, just be. After I asked a couple of times, they have completely disconnected. We were inseparable, and the hardest part is the cut off from my 14 year old dgtr. They were so close, he would always come over and visit and call. He did meet someone about the same time of the decline but she is very family oriented so I don't think that is it. I have called, texted and even wrote a letter that I don't care about him helping out, just want the closeness we have had for 40 years. It's the strangest situation, why has he shut off from everyone within my home? Is there anyone on the flip side of caregiving that could shed some light on this behavior? Is ignorance bliss? Meaning not knowing or seeing the decline? I get the "no time, work to much, and "it's my time to live".
So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.
Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.
You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.
Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .
I love the book, "The Four Agreements." One of the agreements is, "Don't take anything personally." He goes on to say, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream." Another agreement is: "Don't make assumptions." Everyone here is assuming/imagining what is going on with your brother. No one knows but your brother. So let him live his life as he wants and you go about your own life doing what you need to do to stay healthy and happy. As JeanneGibbs says, get some respite care for yourself.
It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn, but she'll be OK. People in life disappoint us, it's just a part of life. And sometimes family really let us down. But we just pull those who stay even closer into our sphere of love.
May I put a little different spin on this? Even if he did "help," his idea (and his new gal's) might be very different from what you imagine. You're thinking, "If he'd only...." If he were in with both feet, he STILL might not "if only he'd..."
From what I read on here, siblings can make caregiving even more of a nightmare than it is. Making decisions by committee is very difficult, in my opinion. I cared for mom as an only child. No recriminations from siblings, no committee disagreements, no help. But SHE had saved for a rainy day. So I got my respite with the money she'd saved.
I understand it's not ALL about his not helping, but more about: "What the HELL is wrong with you???" Accept that you can't know that until and unless he's ready to tell you. "Mom, he must have something going on in his life right now. He loves you...just can't deal right now." That's what I'd tell my mom, I think.
And in the meantime? I'd invite him and his girl to every 'doings' and ignore that he doesn't respond or show up. Olive branches often build into powerful trees. "We hope you and Missy will come to Thanksgiving dinner with us. 2:00. We love you and miss you in our lives." Period. Then Christmas. Then birthdays, Then...whatever.
In the meantime, appreciate the autonomy you DO have taking care of mom. It could be, believe me, much worse.
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