I have been the primary caretaker since 1995. First dad with cancer battle for 13 months then mom moved in with my husband, daughter and myself in 1998. In 2012 my mom started to decline cognitively and mobility. The generation that does not believe in doctors. I am a nurse so I sort of know what is going on inside her. Since the decline, I have asked my older sibling to help with reprieve such as 4 hours a month any day, just so my husband and dgtr could well, just be. After I asked a couple of times, they have completely disconnected. We were inseparable, and the hardest part is the cut off from my 14 year old dgtr. They were so close, he would always come over and visit and call. He did meet someone about the same time of the decline but she is very family oriented so I don't think that is it. I have called, texted and even wrote a letter that I don't care about him helping out, just want the closeness we have had for 40 years. It's the strangest situation, why has he shut off from everyone within my home? Is there anyone on the flip side of caregiving that could shed some light on this behavior? Is ignorance bliss? Meaning not knowing or seeing the decline? I get the "no time, work to much, and "it's my time to live".
So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.
Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.
You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.
Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.
It may not be anything that you've done. My little brother has limited contact with us, though he is one of my mother's golden children. He is very religious. One time I asked him to come over and maybe provide some spiritual guidance to Mom. After being there for a few minutes he was not able to really talk to her. He told me that he couldn't connect with her. I know he cares about her in his own way, he is just not socially adept and she is severely impaired cognitively, so it made him uncomfortable. So he calls her a couple of times a month, which is probably all he feels he can do.
I'm sure my brother's family would step in if asked, but they would do it with attitude. I wouldn't ask them. They have a lot going on in their own lives, so it is easier to hire people. It's a shame that one should even have to ask family. It seems like they should be close enough to know what might be needed. It isn't the way it is nowadays. The Waltons are a thing of the past when it comes to most families.
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .
Jeanne's right: it should be possible to arrange respite breaks regardless of whether or not your brother wants to participate. Apart from anything else, that would also free you to follow Pam's advice to get together socially with brother and new g/f and pick things up again. The bit about poor men finding it so hard boo-boo I have less sympathy with; but never mind that - no reason why you should lose a relationship you value just because of one situation you're out of synch. about.
I have one more question... Today is my dgtrs last playoff softball game, for the first time in a long time she called him on her own yesterday without telling me til this morning. She said she left a mssg but he never called back. She said she left the time and place if the game. She said "mom, uncle ........has had 24 games to choose to come to since May and he hasn't saw me play once". I used to say he was working, now I simply tell it has nothing to do with her at all and things will work itself out. She is very mature for her age and just said "ok". One thing I left out, the first time I asked for a few hours of help, he emailed me that he did his part in life by raising my niece, (her mom bipolar), I was the mom and took good care of her with him. But he said he met someone he likes and this is his time to live and he does not feel bad about it. I got off track, last night I was thinking if he can't take 15 minutes out of his day to make an appearance and make her day, well I am washing my hands of all of this. I am so sorry for going in like this, but this is the first time in years I have talked about any of this. I will be very hurt for my dgtr if he doesn't show, but why wily I be surprised? I just get so mad when it comes to him ignoring her. She has nothing to do with anything. I have texted him that there would be no talking about anything, just about my dgtr. I am a very easy going person and he knows that. He could call me now and say let's get that lunch you have been wanting and I would put it all to rest. ARGH, I get my mind racing and pray all the time to stop it. Understand that I am reminded constantly throughout the day by mom with dementia how she feels she has no son, 5 minutes later the same statement. So it's difficult to let something go when it's all that is talked about due to memory loss. Baileys in my coffee maybe???? JK. Thank you everyone for for very insightful words, maybe after I continue to share and learn about your challenges, I can figure a few things out.
May I put a little different spin on this? Even if he did "help," his idea (and his new gal's) might be very different from what you imagine. You're thinking, "If he'd only...." If he were in with both feet, he STILL might not "if only he'd..."
From what I read on here, siblings can make caregiving even more of a nightmare than it is. Making decisions by committee is very difficult, in my opinion. I cared for mom as an only child. No recriminations from siblings, no committee disagreements, no help. But SHE had saved for a rainy day. So I got my respite with the money she'd saved.
I understand it's not ALL about his not helping, but more about: "What the HELL is wrong with you???" Accept that you can't know that until and unless he's ready to tell you. "Mom, he must have something going on in his life right now. He loves you...just can't deal right now." That's what I'd tell my mom, I think.
And in the meantime? I'd invite him and his girl to every 'doings' and ignore that he doesn't respond or show up. Olive branches often build into powerful trees. "We hope you and Missy will come to Thanksgiving dinner with us. 2:00. We love you and miss you in our lives." Period. Then Christmas. Then birthdays, Then...whatever.
In the meantime, appreciate the autonomy you DO have taking care of mom. It could be, believe me, much worse.
I wonder if the parent is placed in a continuing care facility if the isolated sibling would start becoming part of the family again?
Don't bother calling for help anymore, and take Jeanne's suggestion to hire a temp caregiver.
I love the book, "The Four Agreements." One of the agreements is, "Don't take anything personally." He goes on to say, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream." Another agreement is: "Don't make assumptions." Everyone here is assuming/imagining what is going on with your brother. No one knows but your brother. So let him live his life as he wants and you go about your own life doing what you need to do to stay healthy and happy. As JeanneGibbs says, get some respite care for yourself.
It's a tough lesson for your daughter to learn, but she'll be OK. People in life disappoint us, it's just a part of life. And sometimes family really let us down. But we just pull those who stay even closer into our sphere of love.
The inside flap on the book has the four agreements listed with a paragraph about each. I think they're really valuable when you think about it. What would the world be like if we made no assumptions and took nothing personally?
When I think about my life, it would ease a lot of the stress and burden because I'm always getting upset about how others do things. Do I manage to live this way most of the time? No, LOL, but it's a good reminder!
I set up a badminton event last night and there were two no-shows (grrrrr) and one woman was super competitive in her play, which upset me because two women were total beginners. If I didn't take it personally and knew it was about them and not me, I wouldn't have gotten so cranky about it. :)
I agree with Jeanne about moving forward as if you are an only child. I know many kind men who cared for their parent/parents and I know many who ran. The runners always had a history of selfishness. Take a good hard look at your brother. Let me know if I have been too harsh. I don't mean to be. :)
And I too, think the new girlfriend comes into play here - I've seen a couple cousins pull away from family because of the new lady in their lives.